Author Topic: My Story Living in Limbo  (Read 1049 times)

Offline OffRoad

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3535
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #20 on: November 17, 2019, 12:08:16 PM »
Also, I hope you are storing your valuables elsewhere as people have told you. My XH would sneak into the house while I was at work and take MY things. (Then got mad when I changed the locks...go figure ;D)
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline terrified_in_TN

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1245
  • Gender: Male
Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #21 on: November 17, 2019, 03:29:42 PM »
I don't think she truly understands because she said she could object but that we don't have a legal reason not to tell them..

I am not a lawyer, and I apologize for not knowing your story or background, but I don't think there is a legal obligation that requires you TO tell him, either.

I could see complication if you had small children (again apologize I don't your the details of your situation), but even THEN I don't believe there is any legal requirement for you to do so.

About the only thing I can add is your MLCer can range from very mild, in which case, being kind, paving the way, etc would apply, to extremely violent in which case you need to take steps to protect yourself.

I don't want to scare you, but often times nobody thinks anything violent will happen to them, especially from someone they have known most all their adult life, until it actually does.

Hugs,

-T

Online in it

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11630
  • Gender: Female
Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #22 on: November 17, 2019, 04:20:12 PM »
Also although not as common. Or maybe even less reported.Men do get abused. And there are places they to can  go ascertain that too. They can recieve counseling etc.

Abuse once it starts escalates each time you return to the relationship.

That's why when you have the ability to have the abuser (male or female) arrested. If you have actual physical proof of what you are saying.
You do it,  you have them arrested go through that process so they feel the consequences of their behavior.

You cannot worry about what anyone thinks including your kids. You are being a role model for them. Someone abuses you no matter who it is? You do something about it if possible.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2019, 04:53:51 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 85
  • Gender: Female
Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #23 on: November 18, 2019, 05:47:08 PM »
Update after court....

We got to court and they were in the mediation area and not in the courtroom... they wanted my attorney and me to come in, she put me in the courtroom. She told me that they were just going to  try to intimidate and bully me and she wasn't going to subject me to that....
They said they wanted to see if they could reach an agreement for me moving out... dumb A$$ that is all I wanted right now is to move out and take my things... so he had too pay more money to do that? I guess so he felt more in control... Wonder why he chicken out going before the judge?

well he caved on it all but 2 things.. the bed which I agreed to take over payments... and the stove... but my attorney is making him pay for his part of the health insurance which is 193 a month and the bed is 325... he wanted the bed but didn't get it

The only win he got was a date for me to be out... I am leaving sooner than I said so he won't know...I said I would be moving out Christmas break which begins on the 20th but I am going to move out the 13th... less chance of him to monster...

He demanded to be able to use the bathroom in the hall and not the master.. and I use the hall because I am claustrophobic and so now I can use both and he can only use the hall so if I am in the shower guess he will have to pee in the front bushes again...


The judge told us both that we had to be considerate and amicable so if he violates that he violates the court order now..
when they walked out my attorney overheard my H complaining and his attorney said it is too late now...so he already isn't happy

I also went to the domestic violence center today and so they have me listed as a client... they gave me ideas for maintaining my privacy when I move...

I plan to stay NC... I just have nothing to say to him.... Right now even though he didn't gain today I did... I still feel like he won since I am leaving even though I don't want my marriage to end.. but there is no working on a marriage with a man who is living with a goal to destroy me...

just makes me wonder what is next to do to me on his agenda as I am sure he is planning it now...

Caroline

Online in it

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11630
  • Gender: Female
Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #24 on: November 18, 2019, 07:04:38 PM »
Good leaving before that date is good. I know you know this but: Do not let him know where you are going or where you are.

You are dealing with an insecure coward so do not be afraid. Just use your head.

 My suggestion to avoid anymore damage being done to you can change your phone number. I know that's a pain right in the butt...but I'm more then sure you might be in for a major hoovering at some point....he's going to try to suck you back in with overtures, lies, wanting to try to settle something without the lawyers, subject you to monster or the pity party whatever he can to keep you engaged.

You have a lawyer now everything goes through her. (I'm glad she realized what's going on and protected you by putting you in the courtroom.)

If you don't want to change your number and let the phone ring, give his number a different tone. Just don't answer it. Let him leave whatever messages and texts he wants to. DON'T listen to the messages and don't read or reply to the texts.  Let your lawyer listen to them or a friend. You are on an evidence collecting mission.
Treat him like a total stranger. Time to ice over.

If he harasses you ( ANY unwanted contact with frequency)  press charges against him. That might eventually lead to an order of protection.
Document everything.

He may even stalk you..showing up places you might be. You may have to stay aware.

While you are still there get the make, model, color and plate number of the car. Memorize the plate so if you see a car that looks like his you can identify it.

You are the one who is leaving because he wants you too, and by now you want to. To harass you after you leave means he's trying to control you. If he can't control you physically he'll try to get some kind of emotional reaction from you. If you answer the phone he may record you by saying something that makes you angry then try to get charges pressed against you for being unstable crazy or whatever else he can think of. So do not answer his calls. This isn't an MLC.

 When you have some peace and are able to reflect back you may realize just how bad for you the relationship was. No contact is no picnic but is necessary for your own well being.

Sleep. get good sleep It's sooo important...eat healthy and take care of you.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 85
  • Gender: Female
Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #25 on: November 19, 2019, 11:17:40 AM »
Well he has already begun the process to "set me up" . I found an indoor camera that rotates in the room he is sleeping in... He bought it on 11/2 so I don't know if it has been somewhere in the house already. It is in a bag and not set up but I am sure after the court issue yesterday that he plans on trying to catch me doing something wrong to tell the court.

I emailed my attorney about this since he always tries to talk amy dog in the room with him and I have to go get her. I am sure that he intends to try to catch me coming in his "protected space" to get her. So I asked her to communicate to them that he can't take her in there.

Everyday it seems to get one more step worse... So glad I am getting out and going before he expects me to leave... 

AT the same time... I find myself really beginning to grieve ... This is so hard and I know each of you understands.. Today is one of those  days to just make it through one minute at a time....
Caroline

Online in it

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11630
  • Gender: Female
Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #26 on: November 19, 2019, 12:05:31 PM »
Oh noo Caroline  I know I started grieving ohhh sweetie they get entirely freaked over that. ENTIRELY freaked.

There's nothing wrong with you..you aren't crazy. You're are grief stricken and you need privacy and you need to get away from him.

He'll be calling the troopers to take you to be evaluated at a mental health center because you are crying..sweetie really as soon as you can leave. You need to. They don't understand it's the end of everything. And it doesn't matter anyway they don't care.. :'( :'(

They don't feel anything. No compassion, no sympathy, no empathy. No regard for you as a human being. To him you will appear weak. And he would ramp up the abuse even if you didn't cry to where he finally made you cry. They get off on it. I know it's sick but that's who they are and you have to remove yourself from being anywhere near him.

He is heartless and soul less and you need to leave. He cannot even hear you whimper or he'll continue to abuse you worse.

This is all so very hard and it looks like with the camera etc he's trying to set you up.

Sweetie please is there someplace you can go? Take your pet and leave? A Motel 6? Anyplace?

« Last Edit: November 19, 2019, 01:21:24 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Disillusioned

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 409
  • Gender: Male
Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #27 on: November 19, 2019, 12:35:17 PM »
Well he has already begun the process to "set me up" . I found an indoor camera that rotates in the room he is sleeping in... He bought it on 11/2 so I don't know if it has been somewhere in the house already. It is in a bag and not set up but I am sure after the court issue yesterday that he plans on trying to catch me doing something wrong to tell the court.

I emailed my attorney about this since he always tries to talk amy dog in the room with him and I have to go get her. I am sure that he intends to try to catch me coming in his "protected space" to get her. So I asked her to communicate to them that he can't take her in there.

Everyday it seems to get one more step worse... So glad I am getting out and going before he expects me to leave... 

AT the same time... I find myself really beginning to grieve ... This is so hard and I know each of you understands.. Today is one of those  days to just make it through one minute at a time....

Caroline,  I know others have pointed out that his behavior is concerning, and I have to say I agree.  This sounds very aggressive.  Please be on guard and continue to make note of this behavior with your attorney.  It may work to your advantage in the future. 
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Online in it

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11630
  • Gender: Female
Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #28 on: November 19, 2019, 12:46:30 PM »
Well imho opinion Caroline you have to leave there's no telling how low he will stoop.
There's no good reason to subject yourself to abuse while you are greiving.
You need a safe place to do that in and it's not there.
Use your head, he's not worth it.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 85
  • Gender: Female
Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #29 on: November 19, 2019, 07:05:20 PM »
I am grieving but internally. He has seen me cry twice since this began. Once when we got in a fight after I found out about the affair ( which was quite awhile ago) and a few weeks ago when I found my birth mom and he knew that was why... But I am not going to cry in front of him at all.

I personally don't want him to know that he is hurting me.

I have already begun to take steps to be safer here... I am locking my door at night. I am going to be packing a bag to keep in my car.  The lady at the center gave me things to think about and some steps to take to help.

I think the grieving is coming from realizing that I won't be seeing the man I love everyday and that I won't live with him, that my marriage is ending.... But I can't help him, I need to take care of me... and this is not the man I married or have spent 24 years with...

I have other things to implement as well form there suggestions.
Caroline

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.