Author Topic: My Story Living in Limbo  (Read 1051 times)

Online in it

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My Story Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #30 on: November 19, 2019, 07:57:05 PM »
Yes keep your door locked.

This "man" that chooses to abuse you, your love, your care concern and your heart is the one who is there.
He doesn't deserve you.
And no you are right you cannot fix him or help him. He needs to be left on his own.

He's a big boy he'll figure it out. Don't worry about him. He'll learn how to do things for himself. Maybe he will grow up? Maybe he won't. Either way he has no right to treat you badly.

You do not deserve to be abused. Maybe read some articles about how to detach. Or maybe something online about the mindset of people who have been or are being abused.
The longer you stay there you may be more traumatized then have more trust issues to deal with later.

Do not  place your trust, faith or anything optimistic in regards to your relationship or whoever he is now.

Keep yourself safe.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online in it

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #31 on: November 25, 2019, 02:32:00 AM »
Just checking Caroline..is everything ok?
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online Treasur

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #32 on: November 25, 2019, 02:37:00 AM »
Checking in too...let us know how you are if you feel able? You are in our thoughts here.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #33 on: November 25, 2019, 08:13:41 AM »
I emailed my attorney to find out how long I had to remove my clothes from the guest room where he is staying since it is exclusively his now... and about him taking the dog in there since he had that camera...

My attorney took two days to send it by then I had removed most of my clothes but he responded to his attorney with a nasty email saying I even took the toilet paper out of the bathroom.( funny since I use that one too,just needed to buy more) Then when he came home.. he was lviid with me that he had to pay his attorney 400 for responding (hello??? you were the one who started this and have spend 13,000 on your attorney and now you are worried about 400, and he is probably angry that I preempted his plans of "catching me with his camera". ) I also called him on the fact that he is recording stuff.. he said yep I have plenty... I know he has himself talking to the dog.. but since I am not mean to you... you have nothing... he just wants to put me in a position to worry...

He said we needed separate areas to sleep because of my allegations of him physically harming me.... I said from the fight we had in February and he said no what I said in deposition...I said what did I say (because I am not going to say it to his face)... he said because I would not say where I was moving... I said I said that because I don't want you to know and you don't have the right to know.. he said I don't want to know , I don't care where u live.. I said then quit having your attorney ask me where then and  He had nothing left to say...

The clothes I removed were on garment racks in the hall ( and in his way) then he says he was going to buy me racks but he has been sick and then moved furniture around in his office area so my clothes could be in there (I think he wanted me to think he was helping me) I know better... he wasn't too sick to buy the camera though....

But I am ok.. just emotionally challenged right now... I am going from being excited about the move to being sad that I won't be with my husband anymore... (I know that I am not "with him" right now and that we are just physically present in the same house and he is not the man I married either) just figure that it is normal that I am sad that I am going to miss even seeing the "shell" . I am packing still but stressed since it is all coming so fast now and the process is so emotional, I get stuck. I texted two of my friends to come help me with no response... maybe I need new friends... This part right now is so overwhelming.. trying to go through it all, get rid of stuff and pack it right... Moving alone is hard enough... not to add all of the rest of it...



Of course my daughter wedding is this weekend, I am very happy for her but she is very narcissistic and I know that she always blames me for what ever she can and even if I am silent she will find something... she already says my dress is too fancy but she would say that about a burlap sack.. emotionally I am a mess and having to be there with his parents, him and dealing with her will be a huge challenge...

But I will just keep my headsets in as much as possible and know that it will be over Sunday and then I get to get the keys to my new place on Monday..

I sign the lease tomorrow... honestly nervous..... it is a huge step and I feel like I am not standing for my marriage by leaving, but know I can stand being away and it would continue to get worse if I stayed... just hard since I don't want a divorce...

of course I got the crud yesterday too... and so on the emotional rollercoaster right now...

And of course in all this, it is hard to wrap my mind around the fact that it feels like he is winning since he "now wants me out" and wants a divorce ... I logically know that I have done all that I can to save my marriage, that this is not about me, that I have two of my kids supporting me ...  I am pretty sure that he will still be coming home getting drunk laying on the couch falling asleep, watching tv and going to bed at 8:30. he will still lead the same dull existence he is without the pets or me there and the house will be basically empty) I am not worried about him just am sure that his quality of life will not change when I leave) and the magic fairy of happiness that he expects will rain down on his life when I leave... will not appear)

it just sucks.. but I know all of you know this... just helps to write it to get it out of my head...

I know I need to move out to begin to heal and help me to really detach.. hard to detach when you are constantly having to look over your shoulder for the next crazy thing you have to protect yourself from...

I have even set up an appointment for a mechanic to check my car for a tracking device when I am ready to move.. security system arrived yesterday will be the first thing installed...


Thanks for checking on me.....



Caroline

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #34 on: November 25, 2019, 02:33:25 PM »
Might be worthwhile to be sure there´s no tracking app or install on your phone. If you share a plan with him, now would be a good time to get your own plan.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #35 on: November 26, 2019, 07:09:21 AM »
Might be worthwhile to be sure there´s no tracking app or install on your phone. If you share a plan with him, now would be a good time to get your own plan.

If you are an Android user, Google does a lot of tracking all by itself but that can be shut off. It is, however, active my default so you need to intentionally shut it off.

A BF of my cousin was also able to follow her whereabouts based on her iPhone (pretty creepy when she was visiting me and gets an e-mail asking how was Paris when we were visiting... She thought it was amusing... I didn't).....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #36 on: December 02, 2019, 08:16:22 PM »
Checking back in ...

The wedding is over and it was absolutely beautiful! Since it was outside.. we were worried since it had been overcast all day..
The sun came out 20 minutes before the ceremony and it stayed so nice! I survived the trip there and back with H. He had one glass of alcohol once we left Wednesday until we returned home yesterday. H was very standoffish most of the trip, but he began to open up a little each day. Some of the things I did notice is that he had to communicate with me since we only had one car and had to coordinate picking up cake, food, people from the airport, and being places at certain times.

I know others have asked how the MLCer can function in the real world and I got a front row seat to watch it.. I was amazed how "normal" he acted around his parents and others.. It is no wonder they don't think anything is wrong with him... they live in another state so they have only seen him twice during this whole thing... It sure makes you question your own take on everything.. but then I remember all of the crazy bs that he does when no one else can see...

I told a story to my S21 and his girlfriend at dinner on the trip about when we were dating when my D got pancake syrup all over him. H did not respond or react like he always used to ( i wasn't surprised) then a day later I heard him retelling the story to one of the grooms family members the night before the wedding and laughing about it.. (so he was listening)

Another thing I noticed was that he told our new granddaughter that our D got lost at his wedding when she was the flower girl (he didn't know I was near enough to hear) and then later when he told someone else.. he said at the last wedding I was at with D she got lost...( he knew I was in the room this time) my d said to him that was your wedding...

On the trip back he was cordial but could tell he was gearing himself back up to be distant again...

He left as soon as we got home to go get alcohol.

Tonight he came home with new vitamins and stuff he said to help his digestive system and helps with his mood...but was very talkative and I did as someone suggested on this site and just mirrored him with level of communication.

I took the day off today to recoup and pick up my keys to my new townhouse. I took a car load of things over. I put in shelf paper, and put up plates and cups and put together my new floor lamp ( lamp was a win today) it was $80 and then went up in price to $100.. it was on sale today for 70! :)

I plan on taking over a few boxes each day and unpacking them to make it easier when I do the big move the end of next week.

I am hoping to leave here on a positive note... but know that 1. he is already violating the court agreement since he now doesn't want the health insurance and he will find out he still has to pay until I can cancel him.. ( which might take a court order) and also when the neighbor gets the letter from my attorney telling her to stay off my property... I am sure those will rile him up...

This is all so bittersweet.. my leaving him and moving....but I have to remember that this wasn't my choice .. he made these decisions and that it isn't about me... My job right now is to try to find some real peace when I am in my own place ...

I do believe that God can restore my marriage, but that is not possible with his current state ... and I asked God to block my move if that was not part of His plan.. and the way cleared and I believe that my moving is part of His plan for my life and it is what I need.

and as always who knows what mysteries MLC land will reveal tomorrow but for now... I am thankful that we are being cordial, I am progressing toward my move, and I now have a son in law and 2 grandchildren.. it is so nice to have these positives..
Caroline

Online in it

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #37 on: December 02, 2019, 08:51:07 PM »
Good Caroline I do believe God either clears the way or blocks it..as frustrating as that might be sometimes.

Now maybe you have some answers as to whether they can control their behavior or not. As you can see a difference in how he is with other people and how he is with you. Seems to control himself just fine with others ( it's a show he puts on)

I'm so glad you will be away from him and his energy soon.
I'm excited about your townhouse. peace yes you need peace and time to yourself.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online Treasur

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #38 on: December 03, 2019, 12:51:06 AM »
They cycle, Caroline, so please keep your guard up before you move out. And do not let your brain persuade you for one minute that any of the crazy s$it you have seen your h do was not real bc it was. As init says, they control the masks they wear in front of others and use them to gaslight you. Do not gaslight yourself.

I think you will find the peace of feeling safe in your new home surprisingly powerful. I did not realise how much I had adapted to living with an underpinning of fear until I moved to somewhere safe. It was like my body and spirit breathed out.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #39 on: December 03, 2019, 08:13:46 PM »
Well H attorney sent an offer to my attorney today...

He keeps house equity and debt for house
He keeps his own debt
He keeps his debt he has for our youngest sons school
I get the sleep number bed( that was already decided in court a few weeks ago) but he now says he will pay for it, but i have to transfer my annuity worth more than is owed on the bed to him
He keeps his business and the debt for it
I get my pension..

I emailed my attorney back and said rephrase it how you want but He** no!

When I talked to my oldest S he said I figured he would do something like this .. I said why.. he said because you all actually got along and now that you are home.. he has to find a way to erase the positive and try again to get rid of you with some BS offer

I agree that he will definitely continue to cycle...

Took more from storage and set it up in the townhouse... and have loaded my car with boxes to take tomorrow...

One step at a time..

I know while I have done some focusing on myself... I have focused on H too and guess I needed to for me to know that I have done all that I could to save my marriage... still don't want to give up hope.. but living somewhere else will help me try to focus on me....

Caroline

 

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