Author Topic: My Story Living in Limbo  (Read 2319 times)

Online in it

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11731
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #50 on: December 07, 2019, 02:39:49 AM »
I agree with Treasur.
Even if you say nothing or you react in some way it escalates their anger.  They self enrage and can do it over very minimal things.
If you can start to see his behavior get stranger as it's control issues ( example seeing you packing ) reality is starting to creep in it might make more sense? I

I've found that  if something makes no sense it's all about control. Kind of like he wants this divorce so why is he making a big deal over you packing cleaning supplies.

I'm so glad you will be out of there soon. Stuff is just stuff.Your safety is the most important thing.

I bought a camping cot to sleep on until I got my bed. As long as you have a safe roof over your head everything else can be gotten later. If you feel anything off, trust your gut and get out of there without him knowing about it.

 He's not going to get any better.Just worse.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2998
  • Gender: Female
Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #51 on: December 07, 2019, 03:25:04 AM »
Caroline, I'm so sorry this additional stress has appeared, the bankruptcy. And I'm so sorry for your S21. Poor kid. And it's Christmas. I'm so glad that you planned to move out earlier. I hope this gets you away from the disaster once everything is locked down. Such a shame the amount of destruction so many of these MLCers can do to their families and themselves. So many on here have been through bankruptcy, repossession, had absolutely nowhere to live since they couldn't afford to rent either. And this is after years of hard work and sacrifice.

Sending you lots of hugs and strength.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9615
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #52 on: December 09, 2019, 03:39:53 AM »
Caroline,

Maybe this is pure speculation but....

Is his intent to declare bankruptcy, coupled with telling your S21 at this particular time, while watching you to see if you were listening, all part of the MLC-script ruse to get you to react?  I would NOT put it past a bat-snot bonkers Mid-Lifer to completely concoct such a story for the simple reason that it fills their need for drama... The fact that he is nit-picking about the contents of the hall closets would tend to add to this theory... To me, it feels as if it is a desperate ploy to keep you from moving or somehow control things over which he no longer has control...

Naturally, it could also be that he has run up so much debt in his crisis that he has to file for protection

You have already spoken to council about his threat so that is good. They are already informed if he DOES go down that road....

the sooner you are in your own 4 walls and away from the insanity, the better...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 96
  • Gender: Female
Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #53 on: December 09, 2019, 09:34:22 PM »
All thank you for the support!!!

Ursa you are spot on with how I am feeling.... on the ring doorbell I overheard him talking about how he has not decided whether or not he is filing ... but I do think he is feeling out of control...and while he has racked up a lot of cc debt (eating out) and money for his attorney and the private eye...

Another thing I realized is that him trying to avoid paying me for the insurance was his way of hoping i couldn't pay for the bed and then today he took the check to his attorney who had to deliver it to my attorney rather than just handing it to me.. it is all about control... but he is so worried about money... I am sure his attorney charged him to deliver the check... dumb....

Tomorrow and Wednesday are move days and as I have said he doesn't know it.. I am sure the OW ( who called him while I wAs sitting in the living room with him last night ) will call or text him that there is a uhaul here... I won't miss living next to the cheating "reporter"

I must admit I am really sad tonight... it is a mix of so many emotions and today would have been my moms birthday ( she passed away 6 years ago) which just adds to it...

Tomorrow he will know that I have begun moving out..may not know when I will finish but will know ...at least I won't be alone in the house if he reacts... ( my oldest S) who doesn't like him will be here and he will put him in his place if he starts with me.

Those of you who moved away from your MLCer... did you say goodbye or leave a note? 

Just trying to sort that out in my head....
Caroline

Online in it

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11731
  • Gender: Female
Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #54 on: December 10, 2019, 01:23:18 AM »
No.  Other than an email in which told him if he ever came near me again I'd have him arrested among several other things.

This was after I got a few of my things back from him and the games and control started.
Any emotion is lost on them anyway. To them it makes you look weak.

He'll be contacting you. If you are to get any peace and be left alone to work through your emotions more than likely you'll have to throw up a boundary of no contact. It will be better for you if you do.

Make sure you take everything you want. You do not want to have to go back to the house to get anything.

I'm glad your son will be there with you. From here on in ( after you leave) I wouldn't spend any time around your soon to be ex without a witness present.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2998
  • Gender: Female
Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #55 on: December 10, 2019, 01:38:38 AM »
Good luck with your move, Caroline. I hope it goes smoothly. I'm sorry you are having to go through this, these will be very hard days, your emotions will likely be the most they've been since BD. But look at so many of us here who have been through the house move already and are doing better, this should give you hope that you will be ok.

Ignore your H. No goodbyes or loving words. As In it said, he will think you are weak. Be strong and appear (fake it 'till you make it) determined to move on to a new life he will have no part of. Of course you still love him and are going to miss him terribly, but faking it does work for us. You have to make a new life for yourself whether you like it or not, so appear as if it were your choice. Start visually letting him go. He doesn't get to have bites of Caroline any more.

Sending you hugs and strength. xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9322
  • Gender: Female
Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #56 on: December 10, 2019, 02:12:50 AM »
Hope the move goes well. We are all thinking of you.
I'm glad too that your son will be there. And echo others thoughts about no need for a note. This is not a situation of your making but his, and although I hope that you refuse to have any contact with him other than via your L, I am sure it will not be the last your hear from him.

I hope I am wrong but echo what init says about trying to move everything important in one day, prioritise the important stuff. It is very likely, if your h follows the textbook, that he will be very angry that you are 'winning' by moving out earlier than he thought and may act accordingly. And that ow neighbour will tell him of course. Please do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe. Keep your L informed. Please don't persuade yourself that your h is not currently angry, controlling and not entirely rational or that any of this is normal or your fault. If you can, please move as much as you can in one day and never go back to the house again alone. Call the police if you are afraid or at risk.

We are thinking of you, Caroline....it will get better from here.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Reinventing

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1993
Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #57 on: December 11, 2019, 11:06:57 PM »
If I'm remembering correctly, this should be end of day 2 of the move. Has anyone heard from Caroline?

Online in it

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11731
  • Gender: Female
Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #58 on: December 12, 2019, 02:21:03 AM »
Not me..not privately.
Maybe we'll hear something today.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9615
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #59 on: December 12, 2019, 02:57:07 AM »
She may or may not have Internet/Phone service in her new place yet, depending on where she is and the local Service Providers. She also may not be setting up a PC as her first priority but rather a bed and her kitchen as sleep and food are MUCH higher on the priority list than updating the Forum... Just speaking from experience here...

I don't recall whether or not she has ever posted from a cell phone either... So, yeah, keep an eye out but no expectations just yet...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.