Author Topic: My Story Living in Limbo  (Read 2311 times)

Online in it

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My Story Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #40 on: December 04, 2019, 04:02:12 AM »
Yes it will help. You did all you could. Now when you get away from him go no contact , focus on you and then address this "offer" he's made you. ::)
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #41 on: December 04, 2019, 03:20:57 PM »
Zinus makes the most comfortable mattress I´ve ever slept on for a bargain price and they sell the frames for it too- compare the zinus price with the amazon price and let your h have the bed- he can pay you 1/2 of its value.

Hope you´re locking the car after loading so he can´t put a tracking device in there.

Anywho- hope you are enjoying creating your own peaceful sanctuary.
me 51
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Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #42 on: December 04, 2019, 07:35:35 PM »

@forthetrees right now I have no extra money... I have having to work a second job to make enough for the haul next week... The security deposit and rent over 3,000 wiped my savings out....and I am working on trying to rebuild my credit so I cannot buy a new bed right now... but he agreed in court that it was to go to me...He is just mad about it....He knows that I have been bad with money in the past.. but my credit is improving and his is getting worse because he has paid so much late and run up all his credit cards...not my problem...

Well he is on the MLC cycle train... Tuesday he ws concerned about eating healthy and working on his mood ( though not giving up alcohol)
and today he came home at 11:30 am sick slept all day ...I came home and started packing the kitchen and had to run out for an errand and when I cam home he left to go eat out... running again...

When he came home I asked him to help me with something ( I needed him to help me lift the table on it's side so I could take off the legs, it is extremely heavy). He said you really want me to help you after what you did today. I told him I didn't do anything. He said that because I paid the bed late that it cost his business $1,000 .. ( the loan is personal) it was due yesterday and he said it already went on my credit. ( I know it didn't). I said I got paid Friday when we were gone to the wedding and I did not have a check book. I asked for the log in to pay it online and you said no. And he said and your never going to get the log in. I said well that meant I had to mail check when we returned on Monday. SO it has been mailed. also on a side note the statement he provided from two months ago has a fee for him paying it late.. the irony...

Then he said I cost him $600 for his attorney to deal with the insurance crap. when he doesn't want the health insurance anymore. I told him yo can't request me to drop you on Thanksgiving day and think that the check that I get the next day will not deduct your insurance. ( court agreement was that he is to pay me his portion of the health insurance and bottom line... he didn't pay it....and I am holding him accountable.

So he said that he fired his attorney and he is hiring this other law firm to handle the divorce. Well one that will delay it further ... it also is interesting that the firm he identified that he says he hired handles only bankruptcy and not family law... he is ridiculous.

I said no more and was mature in my responses.

But on a positive note... uhaul is scheduled for Tuesday and Wednesday next week.... I packed much of the kitchen tonight and took down a set of drapes. Since he wouldn't help with the table I just put it in the living room so I can use the dining area for boxes.

So I am packing as quick as I can and I dropped off a few more boxes at the townhouse....

It still seems surreal that I won't be living here after next week... and  it is so bittersweet......and vey emotional....I am trying to make sure that I keep my emotions in check around him ( don't want to start crying around him now)

I am really gonna miss the shell and and the man that I married even more... but I just have to remember that I did not make this choice and its is not about me...

I know that the initial transition is going to be hard and I am so thankful that I have you all for support...



Caroline

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #43 on: December 05, 2019, 01:38:13 AM »
Caroline,

The first week I spent in my new flat was a complete Mindfiretruck... On one side, I was so tired form the moving and unpacking, I fell asleep often when I'd sit down in the living room to drink a coffee... and wake up with a massive panic attack because of not having the faintest idea where I was for several minutes at first.... It was deathly quiet although my dog was still there but that was a change from 2 kids and 2 dogs... It was crushingly sad to be alone after 17 years of marriage, even though the woman I had married had long before left the building ... But there was also a sense of calm and peace that pervaded as I was no longer in the crosshairs of crazy, I only had myself to answer to, to be responsible for (until I got the kids' rooms set up and they started being with me overnight), I no longer had to walk on eggshells or avoid certain situations like being in the bathroom at the same time or trying to be polite and friendly to someone dead set on ignoring me at best or being snotty and snarky at worst.

It takes ... yep... THAT word again... TIME to adjust to the new situation but I have the feeling that you will be a whole lot more relaxed in short order once you are safely within your own four walls...
« Last Edit: December 05, 2019, 01:39:18 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56
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Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #44 on: December 05, 2019, 09:42:43 PM »
Ursa,
 That makes so much sense and i imagine that may be exactly how I feel.. with the exception of no kids...

Mine are all grown.. so the silence will be defining for awhile...

My struggle in my mind right now is that I need to pack, I need to go drive to earn extra money and I need to unpack at the townhouse... but my heart wants me to sit in the living room with him because I have 6 more nights and then I won't sleep her anymore... I will have to come back to get more stuff but will mostly be during the day when I am off for Christmas break and he is at work...

I am guessing my feeling is normal... just my internal heart struggle today...

Right now I need to just put one footie front of the other and give myself grace right now...
Caroline

Offline Milly

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #45 on: December 06, 2019, 04:13:50 PM »
Caroline, you describe so well those last days in the family home, and the last evenings shared with your H. I'm sure many LBSs will recognize what you're saying.

I would like to add weight to what UM said, in that his experience once he had moved, was pretty much like mine. I found that the sadness at facing the move, and the anticipation of having to leave my family home, (aggravated by the actual physical move itself), was far worse in the time leading up to the move, than once I was in the new place. I was surprised the first morning I woke in the new place at the sense of lightness I felt. It was much more peaceful, no eggshells, could do whatever I wanted, and I did. Changed things, made things a bit more like when I was young. There is much to be said about not having to see our Hs with their angry faces and the chance that anything can cause them to insult us, just like your H accusing you of paying the bed late and costing him, when he refused to give you the online credentials, which he can so easily change any time he wants. That was really passive aggressive of him. You won't have any of those angsty feelings in your tummy any more because he won't be in the room with you to make you feel bad about yourself. At least this was my experience. As much as I missed being married to my H, I did not miss living with the man he'd become the last few years before he left. My life is not what I wish it to be at the moment, but it is soooo peaceful.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
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Online in it

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #46 on: December 06, 2019, 08:19:45 PM »
Yes that first night alone in my apartment I comforted myself with the thought.
I might be alone, but at least I'm not being abused anymore.
I can breathe now.
It was a huge relief.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #47 on: December 06, 2019, 09:05:52 PM »
I am hanging on for those moments of peace..

All of you warned me that the closer it got to my moving out the more he would act out...

He still thinks I am moving on the 20th but... this morning he informed me that I needed to hire additional counsel that he was filing bankruptcy and he was meeting with them this week...

I emailed my attorney and she said that there was a bankruptcy attorney in their office and we could do a joint meeting...
She finally got an answer to the insurance money.. he is going to have a check to my attorney by Monday... of course he can't just hand it to me...

When I came home tonight our S21 was with me. and he told him that he needed to make sure he was ready to remove all the stuff out of the airplane hanger as he was filing bankruptcy... and once he filed everything would be locked down ... all the house hold furnishings everything....

We mentioned that this coming week is finals week for S21... and he is already having to help me move.. and now he has to worry about moving his airplane because of his dads bs??  Of course when he was telling him.. the kept looking at me in the kitchen because he wanted to make sure I was listening..I acted like I wasn't...

I asked later about transferring my gun to my name... he already agreed it was mine in court and he got snarky and told me to figure out how to do it myself... and to send it through my attorney... but of cours ehe just complained about having to pay his attorney for this stuff...

He said he wasn't going to file until the next week...( when he thinks I am moving).  Glad I will be out before that happens...
He said he was going to file personal and business... so what will he do for a job??? Of course I know nothing about bankruptcy...

We both own the house, but I am not on the mortgage....and the bed which I am getting ( the loan is in his name)... amazing he was so worried about his credit being dinging Tuesday and now he wants to file bankruptcy???

But the more I packed the more agitated he got and retreated to his room...he came out a few minutes ago and then came out again.. and I am packing the cleaning supplies from the hall closet ( mind you he has never cleaned anything) and he said "you know that stuff was not on your list for you to take... I said yes it was it said all items from hall closets. and I walked away...

SO he is really going to point out the cleaning supplies???? What will he do when I take the washer and dryer that are also in there??

But I feel he is escalating each day...it feels like he is purposely trying to  make himself angry...

So peace sounds really nice right now....



Caroline

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #48 on: December 07, 2019, 12:22:00 AM »
Caroline,

"Filing for bankruptcy" really is "filing for bankruptcy protection". It gives a person protection from their creditors while they get their financial affairs in order and make payments according to bankruptcy court. Some debt is forgiven.

As much as you can, please just get out of there. I slept on a blow up bed that I bought at Walmart for months and that worked really well until I got back on my feet. We are all going to feel better once you are safe in your new place.
« Last Edit: December 07, 2019, 12:23:20 AM by Reinventing »

Online Treasur

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #49 on: December 07, 2019, 12:48:05 AM »
I am so sorry about this extra chapter in his chaos and self-destruction, Caroline. Your h is at war with the world and himself isn't he? But I am so relieved you are moving out very soon and I hope that you will keep your literal and metaphorical door closed to your h for a while once you do. Reinventing is right - and so is your gut instinct - we will all, including you and your kids, feel better when you are safely away from his anger and unpredictable chaos. This may be a real Christmas gift to you although I understand that it might not entirely feel that way....but removing ourselves from the risk of harm is a healthy choice and a sane one. Stuff is just stuff, and you matter more than stuff. Sending you an encouraging hug x
« Last Edit: December 07, 2019, 12:50:02 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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