Author Topic: My Story Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 3  (Read 855 times)

Offline MaleficentTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 3
« on: November 15, 2019, 06:11:54 AM »
Learning to Live Again with Gratitude 3
Time for a new thread. Thanks for reading along.  I hopefully attached the old one at the bottom. 

Summary: BD came suddenly after 30 years and H moved out by the end of the week.  A bit of a monster with angry words and blaming and projection.  Very hurtful.  I learned of ow 8 months later because he confided in our son.  ow presumably disappeared this past spring, but I do not know any facts and I do not seek information that will hurt me, so I do not know if she is back or if she has been replaced by another.  We have one son, who is getting married next summer.  H reconnected with his mother after ow disappeared and made some steps toward our son and some of those steps could be seen to include me.  Our lawyers had been working informally for the last 18 months to share documents.  Last March, h’s L sent a financial sheet with a proposed division, but there was no follow up.  Last week, 8 months later, h’s L sent a proposed joint agreement for an amicable dissolution based on irretrievable differences.  The document was sloppy and full of mistakes, and even spelled my name incorrectly.  Angry Maleficent. 

So, here I am on a new thread, more bereft of hope than before because the baby steps had seemed hopeful.  He has been running like a wild child or a feral animal.  I am not the girl he left behind.  I have been running our home financially and physically on my own.  I am more social and I have had some wonderful travels and vacations. Made new friends and got even closer with my old ones.  I have had all sort of family life issues with elder care and lost my job in a reorganization recently.  Yet, I still get up every day, although I often wonder what propels me forward.  I do not want the old marriage back; it was the life relationship he chose for us, and now I see it was very imbalanced toward what he wanted.  I miss him and I love him, but that is not enough for me any more.

***

Treasur and Learning, thank you for the beautiful uplifting poems.  I am saving them. I do tend toward the darker poets because after all Sylvia Plath was a “local” girl.  And yes, it is time to end this chapter too with my therapist.  I really like her on a personal level and she did bring me out of the stage of denial and disbelief to anger and sadness and grief, although with some harsh love reality.  When she spontaneously states during each session that I need to accept that my marriage is over, it hurts.  I want to focus on me now and push the M aside in our discussions.  I need a different approach so that I do not languish in grief and despair.  I have some ideas for my healing and growing plans, but not ready to implement. Life in the Limbo Crossing train station.

Nerissa, thanks for the good practical advice, so hard though as I will probably work more closely with the forensic accountant and the lawyer on the facts. I need to separate facts from emotion. 

Schratz and Sea, thanks for being there alongside on this journey.   

***

And this week in MLC land, I am still practicing KIT’s NC November and I have not reached out to him for anything.  He has not reached out either – did get birthday wishes from him at the end of October and then I received the proposed “agreement” last week.  And he has not picked up his growing pile of mail in weeks.

“It’s my town and I own it.” So, this week, after a lonely visit at my aunt’s nursing home, stopped at the local bakery for lunch.  Pulled in to the large lot and there was his car, a space or two away from mine. I have had sightings of him here before and he ignored me even when I approached his car and simply waved.  I was not in the mood.  NC November, sadness and anger.  But it is my town, too.  I am no longer invisible.  Walked in, saw him sitting alone, avoided that area, ordered, joked with the workers (I have a fun distinctive laugh, so he might have heard me, not my problem).  Made pleasant talk at the door with some man who looked like he might be meeting h.  Done, not waving to someone who treats me as though I am invisible. Patted his car in the lot.   Felt empowered.

I am nowhere near detached.  I cycle between anger and compassion. Friend told me this week that h, formerly so easy-going, was involved in a verbal skirmish at a town meeting.  I checked a bit of town website footage, did not see the whole interchange, but he dressed in his new young look, and after he spoke, walked with his shoulders hunched.  Felt sad. 

Old thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10959.0;all
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 3
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2019, 06:31:01 AM »
Following - I fixed the link int he old thread so people will get to this one...

Sad that the Mid-Lifer feels they HAVE to do this...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 3
« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2019, 09:54:03 AM »
I am no longer invisible.  Walked in, saw him sitting alone, avoided that area, ordered, joked with the workers (I have a fun distinctive laugh, so he might have heard me, not my problem).  Made pleasant talk at the door with some man who looked like he might be meeting h.  Done, not waving to someone who treats me as though I am invisible. Patted his car in the lot.   Felt empowered.



Well this just made my day Mal. Yes, you are indeed powerful. B/c you know MLCer would have run away. And in truth I to have avoided places where I think my H and his OW might be. But you have inspired me to take control and live unashamed. We have nothing to be embarrassed of. Quite the contrary--we have everything to be proud of and to hold our heads high. 
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 3
« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2019, 11:03:21 AM »
Attaching Mal and absolutely in awe of the bakery encounter.
You know why you still get up every morning Mal ? Because you are worth it and your son is worth it and giving up on ourselves is not an option.
You and I both tippie toe around he black crater of depression but we are both amazing women and we got this Mal !!!!
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online stillbaffled

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Re: Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 3
« Reply #4 on: November 15, 2019, 07:11:37 PM »
Continuing on with you, Maleficent. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 3
« Reply #5 on: November 16, 2019, 05:35:26 PM »
Quote
But it is my town, too.  I am no longer invisible.

HA! You go girl. You might feel like you're floundering, but I think you are getting your wings! ;D I wouldn't give him the power to have you not occupy the same space. Good also that you interacted with others there. Hopefully, he felt intimidated and will think twice about frequenting places that you might show up at.

I am also delighted to see you counting your blessings in all of this. It does keep things in perspective. Good news also with your unemployment claim. Good things seem to be starting to snowball in your direction.

I had a forensic accountant for my divorce. xH whined why did I want one? He said it wasn't necessary. It was super simple, you just add up the columns to come up with a number. He's a CPA, by the way. I said if it was that simple, people wouldn't be making a living doing it. He shut up. Stick to your guns with this. This is your financial health you are fighting for.

I am glad you liked the poem. I liked Treasur's Mary Oliver poem as well. A friend of mine really enjoys her writing.

Quote
I do not want the old marriage back; it was the life relationship he chose for us, and now I see it was very imbalanced toward what he wanted.  I miss him and I love him, but that is not enough for me any more.

More growth. We do mourn what was. Understanding that what was will no longer be enough, as we have changed due to the chaos, is a consequence your H will have to deal with should he come to his senses.  I am glad you want more for yourself. You are grasping that you do deserve more than what the MLCer is currently capable of. Just because they are unhappy, and are living lives that no one in their right mind would want, doesn't mean we have to go along with it. You're wearing your own oxygen mask, aren't you?
trying2bok

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 3
« Reply #6 on: November 17, 2019, 04:09:04 PM »
Welcome to your new thread Mal

I’m a bit behind but catching up lovely lady

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline MaleficentTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 3
« Reply #7 on: November 17, 2019, 07:02:01 PM »
Rose and Still and Schratz and Learning, KIT and UM, Thanks for following along and UM thanks for the technology help! I am glad I at least sound strong to you with the bakery encounter.  KIT, you are right, we need to hold our heads up high and wear our crowns. Love to all of you.  One encounter down, countless more to go. Schratz, so right about tippy toe around the black crater.

Well, tonight I'm venting and need some more reassurance. He broke NC November first. Sent a patronizing Sunday night email, at least how I read the tone.  He wanted to know if I received the separation agreement yet and if I had any questions and wanted to discuss it with him, or should we leave it to the lawyers. Then he went on to say how he visited with my son and future daughter-in-law last week and now he wants to meet her parents....It is like getting rid of me is just a little detail he needs to clean up. Who is he? This is not the boy I fell in love with.  I am still so angry about the "agreement" on so many levels, not the least of which is his proposed distribution.  I cannot come up with one good reason to reply to the message. Am I missing something here?

Learning, thanks for the story of your use of the forensic accountant. I will not back down. Thanks for cheering me on.

And I may even have another chance to be brave tomorrow night-big town meeting on an issue he feels strongly about.  I might show up and vote (if I survive tomorrow's visit with my mother's cardiologist.)  If he even acknowledges me and asks about the email, hopefully I will garner the strength to voice something witty and strong.

Why does he even need to send this kind of email?  Is this some kind of control? The Art of War and trying to keep his enemy close?  Nerissa said something once about them seeking blessing and acceptance, does that have something to do with it? I know, I'm trying to taste green again with my elbow. But, this is litigation.

Thank you.
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Online Treasur

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Re: Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 3
« Reply #8 on: November 17, 2019, 10:54:05 PM »
Unless you feel strongly that you need NC for your own protection or healing...which is neither initiate or respond.....Dark would suggest if he asks a question that can have a polite neutral response, leave a gap then do so. During the divorce process, it may matter to look like you are being reasonable and rational in responses to him so he can't claim you are not  ::)

I'd say something like 'best to leave the legal stuff to the lawyers' or 'my lawyer will get in touch with yours'. I'd probably ignore the fake family stuff if it triggered strong emotions. If not, I'd say something neutral like 'glad you enjoyed your visit'. Like you would to a slightly odd neighbour or acquaintance. And I'd ignore any comment about wanting to meet her parents bc a) so what? And b) not your circus to arrange....

You are trying to taste green on why so I wouldn't bother. If you really need to, probably he is trying to make things seem normal/amicable so he feels better about what he's done or trying to chivvy you into just agreeing with his first offer. And you are in a legal process so I wouldn't talk to him about legal stuff bc his interests and yours are not the same; there is no We in this situation.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2019, 10:56:45 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 3
« Reply #9 on: November 18, 2019, 01:33:26 AM »
I also think he is  trying to normalise things.  From his perspective, he knows you are still attached so if he is too kind it will give you hope.  But he does want your friendship and you cant give that yet, at least.

Treasur’s advice is perfect. I always answer in a superficially friendly way but try not to engage emotionally or about personal issues.  A friend of H we had t seen for many years died. He wanted to talk.  I said how sorry I was and didn’t ask any questions about the circumstances.   In an earlier post I suggested you leave things in the hands of your lawyer and you commented that you needed to be involved with finances.  I didn’t mean that you shouldn’t be fully involved - just that most or all correspondence - certainly if it is  in any way contentious - should be handled by your lawyer. S/he will agree all correspondence and send all letters to you for approval before sending.

It doesn’t save you from receiving the painful emails but it keeps you at some remove and you do not have to go through them, trying to create a suitable response.  A few years down the line, you will be able to decide on the relationship you want with him and the disagreements will have been mediated by the lawyers rather than coming from you directly so there should be little direct animosity.

I know someone whose husband took her to court to keep her settlement smaller and sent a big removal lorry to the house to take things while she wasn’t there.  She had became alcoholic because of his long term philandering.  They had been together since university and had five children.

Despite all this they are able to talk and meet at family occasions because she had a good therapist and lawyer who kept her away from contact while negotiating a generous settlement including a share of all future earnings.  She is doing really  now while he is cheating on his next (young) wife.

Then in- law stuff is to keep you on board  in a familial way.  It’s going to be hard to plan a wedding while divorcing.  Dont try to do all this  alone.
« Last Edit: November 18, 2019, 01:35:04 AM by Nerissa »

 

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