Author Topic: My Story Lose you to love me  (Read 537 times)

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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My Story Lose you to love me
« on: November 15, 2019, 03:23:50 PM »
So much has happened in so little time. I guess its time I update with a new thread. When I left off it was right before my birthday. As of October 26th, I joined the 35 years old club. ;) The days leading up to it were uneventful. H pestered me with hints of spending time with me and taking me out for my birthday. The day before my birthday, my wonderful friends took me out for lunch where I had some much-needed sushi and laughs.

Finally, after much irritation from H I told him if you want to take me somewhere then plan it and say so. I won’t chase you to spend time with me on my birthday. Gosh, talk about taking charge. ::) H then said “you know I wouldn’t miss it for anything. I want to take you out. I want to feel like a man and spend my own hard-earned money on you.” I told him fine but plan it and take me. He ended up taking me to my fav sushi spot (I know sushi 2 days in a row, I was in heaven). I got dolled up and H said I looked gorgeous. It was a nice evening. H held my hand and said “I hope you had a nice night. I’m trying to make it special for you.”

We ended up back home after and spent the rest of the night doing our own thing. I was still wary after finding messages between him and his coworker and after-all he needs to work on boundaries with her and any other friends he makes. He has been keeping his phone out in front of me. I already told him that I didn’t care at this point, but you know he must make a big show about it. I just needed some space from H. Luckily H is learning and didn’t cling for dear life and gave me a chance to breath.

The rest of the time between my birthday and Halloween, H and I were cordial. Like friendly neighbors. When it came time for Halloween I was busy getting decorations up and the kids costumes. We didn’t go as big as we normally do, but the kids had fun. I was a deer and when H saw my costume he was a little speechless. I asked him how he liked my makeup and he said it looked good. I even had him pin my tail on. After a quick trick-or-treat around the block the kids were exhausted. It was a school night and they had their bags filled so we called it a night. H was extra friendly and handsy helping me take down the decorations in the garage. I laughed it off and we again spent the rest of the night doing our own thing.

That Friday I met H for D11’s scrimmage. H was super chatty. I have been warm and receptive to him, but still guarded. At home I relaxed with some pinot grigio. H ended up getting a little buzzed and ended up gushing to me like a giddy school girl that he thought I was ‘sexy’ and ‘beautiful’. He said, “I couldn’t get over your costume…like wow. And it wasn’t just that. I mean, I’m lucky”. My face I tell you… I told H “are you ok?” :o H actually giggled and pulled me closer and fell asleep.

The next day I spent purging and cleaning so not much interaction with H. He popped in here and there, but pretty much left me alone. That night, sober H said he missed me and that he felt like he actually saw me for the first time after avoiding looking at me. I told him it was nice to hear, but that I’m not sure what to do with that. I trust my gut in that I know H wants us, but just doesn’t know how to repair everything. H said he wanted to work on our marriage. I told him that he needs to stop pushing me away and looking for reassurance in other places. I also said he needs to find healthy ways to build and maintain relationships with me and with friends. I also might have said that I’m tired of rug sweeping and that I won’t put in any more effort than he is.

H validated points I made and also challenged me on some things. Like I shutdown when confronted. H said it makes him feel abandoned or like I don’t care. It could be small or big, but I just don’t deal and go hide somewhere. I have been pushing myself more to not do this and I can see that at times I just don’t deal with things at the times I should. I countered that when H gets heated and upset that he needs to take a step back and not take it out on me or the kids. H said I jump to conclusions quickly, which makes it hard to talk to me. Which is true but given what I’ve been thru not completely unwarranted. I told H that he needs to be more respectful of how he talks to his ‘friends’. I get that I tell my friends I love you and thank you for being there for me, but not at 3am during drunken texts and definitely not hide it. (If you feel the need to hide something, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it.) H agreed that given everything we went thru and that he’s done, I had every right to feel hurt by his actions. I added that now that he knows, what will he do in the future to not do the same thing over and over. That gave H some things to ponder and we left things at that.

The rest of the weekend and up until D11’s, now D12, birthday this past Friday was quiet. H and I continued to open up to one another. I told him I’m still really guarded and that it’s up to him to bring that down. I was tired of being open. I said “All I’m asking is that you put words into actions.” H said he felt that at times it was impossible to do. That he felt defeated before he even started. I just told H the only one in his way was himself. Then sh!te hit the fan. >:(

I got messaged from a fake account that she was seeing H and that he promised her he was getting a divorce. Further that she wanted to know if he mentioned her. My heart sank. At first, I was going to just confront H and not respond to whoever this person was, but something felt off. This same person has been trying to friend request me for a week prior. I kept denying and it would pop up again. Most of my stuff is only visible to friends. So, what was this person trying to find out? More importantly, who is this person?

I messaged this person back asking for details, screen shots, anything to prove what she was saying. The details she gave were just enough to be believable, but a lot were things that happened over a year ago between H and I. Also, no screen shots. No concrete evidence. I even asked specific times and places they met. Her answers were vague and borderline lies. For example, H works in a hard to get to area and only has 30 minutes for lunch. Somehow, she was saying they met almost everyday for lunch, but she worked away from where H works. After work H goes straight to pick up D12 from school and take her to practice. And S18 is home when H gets home and stays with him until his shift starts, by then I’m home. When did H have time to see this mysterious OW… Is H a magician?  ???

Also, if you were supposedly serious with someone for a year and they only met you for 30 minutes a day for lunch, wouldn’t you question something? She said she knew he was married and that we lived together but were separated. I did tell her ‘and you believed that?’ I kept working her, trying to get anything, but nothing. I confronted H with the messages and he point blank said who the firetruck is this? I knew when H was with OW at BD. This time around I didn’t get that vibe from H.

H then spent the rest of the weekend trying to figure out who this was and why they would do this. I suggested OW because we happened to run into her the previous week (I smiled at her, she ran away 8)). H said that its been so long why would she try and start sh!te? I told H I wouldn’t put it past her, but H believes it might be his coworker. (not the one he was messaging btw). Another one, 22 and was having issues with her on and off again boy-friend and baby daddy. Things got weird between her and H (long story) and he finally told her that he didn’t want anything else but friendship. I just told H whoever it was, they were out to hurt me and that’s not cool. I told him “I don’t know who you pissed off, but this is what happens when you don’t have boundaries in the first place.” H said he doesn’t trust any of his coworkers at this point and has slowed down on talking to any of them unless its about work.

I have since stepped away from the drama and am letting H deal with it. I can tell when H is lying and this time he wasn’t. So, whoever was trying to get at me failed. I trust that this is hopefully a little karma wake up call to H, but who knows. H is terrified I’m done. I honestly still don’t know. At this point, all I’m going to do is continue working on me. I started working out every day. I slacked during the summer and gained 10 lbs. With the holidays fast approaching I thought it best to head it off and get healthy. I began meal prepping again. So far, I’m 2lbs down. I cut back on my alcohol consumption. I used to relax after work with a couple of glasses of wine or a couple beers. Now only weekends and special occasions.  I got good news that I am up for consideration for a promotion at my job. I’m crossing my fingers that I get an interview soon. I think after so long of focusing on H and MLC that now I am seeing that by focusing on me, things are turning in a more positive direction.

Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10683.0;all
« Last Edit: November 15, 2019, 03:24:55 PM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Lose you to love me
« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2019, 07:30:16 PM »
Wow - Island - what a week. Belated happy birthday to you and I’m glad you and H were able to get some good talks in and open up.
You handled that anonymous trouble maker beautifully- very impressive. I think we can always trust our gut if something is real or not.
You really sound so in control of yourself and good for you for focusing on your health and career. Keeping my fingers crossed for your promotion!!!
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Lose you to love me
« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2019, 08:38:31 PM »
Wow - Island - what a week. Belated happy birthday to you and I’m glad you and H were able to get some good talks in and open up.
You handled that anonymous trouble maker beautifully- very impressive. I think we can always trust our gut if something is real or not.
You really sound so in control of yourself and good for you for focusing on your health and career. Keeping my fingers crossed for your promotion!!!

Thank you S66. I haven't felt this good for a while. I really was numbing a lot with alcohol.

So yesterday evening I had a meeting with an insurance agent from my union. I have been procrastinating with setting up a funeral plan and extra life insurance in case something were to happen to me. H was there the whole time and I could see the panick in his eyes if anything were to happen to me.

After the insurance agent left H said "thank you for still choosing me as your beneficiary. You know I won't let anything happen to the kids." He also said financially it's one thing, but I can't replace you and what you do for our kids. I told H that anything can change, but I expect nothing else from him. And that he'll need to rise to the occasion should the unexpected happen. It was kind of sobering to think that if anything were to happen to me and H that my oldest S18 would need to take charge. S18 felt a little unsure he would be able to take charge. I assured him that grandma was still here and papa to help.

At least now I feel a little more secure that the kids will be looked after in case anything were to happen to me. H, I do trust to take care of our kids.

Today I purged more junk. I seem to be on a mission to lighten everything in my life. I don't know why I hold on to so much stuff. It's just stuff. It was freeing to give away and dump bags and bags of just stuff. I feel lighter. Its a great feeling.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Lose you to love me
« Reply #3 on: November 17, 2019, 12:15:12 PM »
As a suggestion, you might want to make the kids beneficiaries for part if not all of your insurance. If your H does not go off the rails, he will still control the money for the kids, but can be held accountable if he doesn't spend it in their interest. If he goes off the rails, now s18 will be taking care of his siblings with no money, as your H could spend the insurance on anything he wanted to, including other women.

Trust is all well and good, but it won't take care of your kids when you already know your H is teetering back and forth on the edge.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Lose you to love me
« Reply #4 on: November 17, 2019, 04:58:56 PM »
Thanks offroad, no worries they are. H gets part, but the kids get majority of it. H is mainly the one to facilitate benefits for the kids should anything happen. We also made sure S18 is well aware of what the split is. I think if H were to get lost again he would focus it on me. Like he did before. At least that was the pattern he followed.

Cross my fingers he doesn't revert back to that person, but who knows.  ::) so far I've seen slow, but good progress in him.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline sachat3

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Re: Lose you to love me
« Reply #5 on: November 20, 2019, 11:22:32 AM »
Staying with u island!
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Lose you to love me
« Reply #6 on: November 20, 2019, 04:47:24 PM »
I was going to post about H and his dealings with the mysterious fake OW, but at the end of the day still no idea who that person is. H is bending over backwards to make sure I know he is there for me and that he is trying to prove to me that there is nothing to worry about. I told H I was fine. A little disturbed that someone has this much time on their hands to harrass me, but whatever.

Since that weekend I continue to try not to get tangled up in whatever that was. H is more concerned that I believe whoever that was. That I am pulling away. I admitted to him I was a little withdrawn, but more so to get my head straight and to take a moment to evaluate where I was. I just told H I appreciate him trying to comfort me and that I didn't want him to feel like what he was doing wasn't 'enough'. In turn I challenged H to not do the same to me as he often does when he gets low. H agreed he does push me away as well and maybe we both need to make a effort not to or to say when we do need space without making the other feel bad for asking. (I am majorly guilty of doing that, but feel it is more a trigger caused by BD).

I am continuing to focus on getting healthier. This is my second week of working out every night. I already feel stronger and less tired. I even find my sleep less interrupted. I am not on a diet, but just eating less overall and trying to make healthier food choices. I did crack one night and inhaled a 10-piece box of McDonald's chicken nuggets. ::) I blame my mom for that, she brought it home. :P I find myself drinking more water in place of snacking. Which is doing wonders for my skin. I didn't realize how dehydrated I was. Still no word on the promotion, but HR said they are trying to fill some positions first so no definite timeframe. :( I'm hopeful and keeping positive that I hear something soon.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Lose you to love me
« Reply #7 on: November 21, 2019, 05:19:01 AM »
One foot in front of the other Island, for you and H....

The trollOW is interesting in that she wnts to start stuff but can't back it up... That sounds like typical troll or sour grapes....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Lose you to love me
« Reply #8 on: December 02, 2019, 03:57:58 PM »
Happy belated Thanksgiving everyone  :D

The site had been so glitchy, I had black Friday shopping to do so I gave up ;)

Thanksgiving was interesting. I left H alone to cook the turkey for dinner, while I spent lunch with my side of the family. I got home to a cooked Turkey and a drunk but happy H. (I'm just glad dinner wasn't ruined).

S18 took the girls out to watch frozen2 while I helped finish up dinner by making the sides. H kept me company the whole time and was very chatty.  ::)

Eventually dinner was done and all that was left was to wait for the kids to get home. During that time H eventually got to talking about OW. I don't know why, but its not a topic I bring up  ??? I think it had to do with trollOW and how H now thought it could be OW. H went on about how OW was supposed to move up with him when he first left and how upset she got about me being around if/when the kids ever flew up to visit. She told H that he couldn't contact me ever  ::)

Yea I laughed way to hard about that one. H said "that's when the veil kind of lifted a little, the fact that OW expected me to never speak to you again. That she wanted to control when I could see the kids. That all her plans of our future did not have the kids in them." I couldn't help myself from saying, "yea, but that didn't stop you from continuing to talk to her."

H kinda waved it off as it was just something to do to pass the time. But did confirm that OW was insanely jealous of me and did stalk me religiously on FB, IG, and Twitter. I told H that I knew that, which is why I'm private on FB and IG but that I post things I want her to see on Twitter. Aaaannnnd maybe once in a while I'll go public on IG. But not recently.

H said that OW felt like I was living her life. Yea, get outta here with that crazy.  ::) I'm just glad I could hear all these things about OW and not feel a thing. Apart of me hopes that I still make her jealous and it makes her feel inadequate in every way that she is. I'm totally not being the bigger person but firetruck her feelings.

Moving on H was very up and down this weekend. I mainly let him mope around and let him decide if he wanted to share his feelings with me. Oh, boy I better realize what I wished for as I got super clingy H. Feelings, so much feelings pouring out of him. I kinda take it back. I'm drowning in his explosion of feels. Like crying, saying he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. How he's trying not to push me away, but feels vulnerable. I couldn't find a corner of peace.  :o

I should backpedal and say I'm dealing with a lot with my grandma being sick. My mom and I are here primary caregivers. It's been hectic this past week as we're adjusting to having her back home from the hospital. I shouldn't feel this way, but to deal with a man-child who won't get his sh!te together and deal with his "issues" is frustrating the heck outta me.

I love H so much, but dammit I want to smack some sense into him. Like *smack* the world does not revolve around you and yes we expect family to be there when you need them, while you were in "crisis" but you forget how you burned every bridge and literally shoved everyone away all while betraying your wife and kids for some tart. (Ugh, ok rant over).

On a happier note black Friday and cyber Monday have treated me very well. I'm 99% done with my Christmas shopping, all without stepping in a store ;D
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline sachat3

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Re: Lose you to love me
« Reply #9 on: December 02, 2019, 10:31:37 PM »
I saw your thanksgiving pics and they looked ace. Like you all had a fab time. I think we both know I know how it feels to be stalked by Ow. But what’s funny I find, is really, it’s us who should feel threatened by them. I mean after all they have our “man”, the gather of our children, the man we’ve made so many memories with. Yet that’s not how it works. Funny that :)

I think your handling each and every obstacle that H throws your way with dignity and grace. I don’t have much else to offer other than that.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

 

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