Author Topic: My Story Alvin's 5th: Ghost love score  (Read 460 times)

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Re: Alvin's 5th: Ghost love score
« Reply #10 on: December 01, 2019, 12:54:50 PM »
Yep, all messed up and so full of guilt/shame/something. Not so surprisingly it seems to be what most mental conditions are all about.

Before heading out to capital with my girls I gifted W with self made Christmas calender. Nothing fancy, just 48 different types of tea bags (2 flavors per day) put behind daily boxes. W's reaction? Surprised, and then questioning "her own goodness/worth" (because she feels kids deserve Chrismas calendar only if the behave nice, and she should not be exception), and finally some kind of acceptance (self care is vital, and pampering taste buds with good tea is easy and cheap way) ... Some shame/guilt in there I think....if she only could change the perspective, and see that it has got nothing to do with her, but all of me. It is my way to spread christmas spirit and joy to folks in my life. It requires nothing of me but maybe half hour of my time, but it gives me a lot.

Alvin
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** “Rivers know this: There is no hurry, we shall get there some day.” — Winnie the Pooh ***

Offline Thunder

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Re: Alvin's 5th: Ghost love score
« Reply #11 on: December 01, 2019, 07:39:54 PM »
Very thoughtful gift, Alvin.

Hope you guys have tons of fun!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Alvin's 5th: Ghost love score
« Reply #12 on: December 02, 2019, 12:54:31 PM »
Fun it is :) We've had tons of excellent food (going fancy dining every night, visiting some better bistros few times a day etc) , long and absolutely not serious talks, equally long walks (walking from one landmark to another), shopping around, and above all enjoying magical Christmas spirit.... This is dad and two of his gals creating some unforgettable memories. 8)

Alvin
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** “Rivers know this: There is no hurry, we shall get there some day.” — Winnie the Pooh ***

Online Whyus

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Re: Alvin's 5th: Ghost love score
« Reply #13 on: December 03, 2019, 02:04:25 AM »
Have fun with your Girls Alvin...  new, positive memories being made Right there mate.
Very Interesting what your IC said, its more confirmation of what we already know. Its not About us, its about them. They have to do it alone so back of and let them go through this with as Little stress as possible.
Not everybody can do it, its hard and may end in a D for some as the timelines are exhausting especially if you watch for signs of where they are. Not worth it as each is different and has a different pace.
Sounding good Alvin, try and Keep in touch with your bro (message to myself, im also guilty)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Alvin's 5th: Ghost love score
« Reply #14 on: December 04, 2019, 09:45:59 AM »
Thanks Whyus :)

Journalling... Just arrived back home... It was surprisingly "grief-full" event.  I cried some last night (there was a false fire-alarm at the hotel last night, and I had trouble falling asleep again), I cried some on the way back, I cried some more when back on the home...   What I am grieving is the "loss of innosence", loss of my best friend, loss of our relationship, loss of "normal" life....  None of it feels "bad" though, despite tears I feel lots of grace and compassion and gratitude towards myself. And I acknowledge this feeling will pass some day.

Not so surprisingly W and S5 had both slept at MBR (=my) bed when I was gone...    It feels (and IMO is) so ridiculous.  She can (and apparently wants to) sleep there when I'm gone....  Despite all what I've gone through so far, and where I am at right now, it still does hurt to acknowledge that W chooses to sleep in different bed, in different room when I am around.... But I do get she's mentally unwell. I can only try to look at her crazy decisions with some compassion.

W came home few hours after my arrival... She looked exhausted. She told she's been working overtime every day we were away, and says it seems it is coming "standard practice" as they are once again one staff member short...  She told she had not eaten anything besides single meat pastry all day... Eventually I cooked both  of us a a quick 5-minute meal (tona-fish, fried vegetables, couscous)....  It feels bad to see her failing at self-care even on this essential level.

Alvin
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** “Rivers know this: There is no hurry, we shall get there some day.” — Winnie the Pooh ***

Online Standing Strong

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Re: Alvin's 5th: Ghost love score
« Reply #15 on: December 04, 2019, 09:53:41 AM »
Sounds like guilt and self-loathing to me Alvin,

She wants to be there, she knows she should be there.... but she can't.
Although you can't know, the really interesting thing would be to know what she feels when she is in there.
Sadness than she can't be in there with you, but wants to?
Relief that she can be part of the way where she needs to be?

I think it's absolutely great that she sleeps in there when you're not home. It says a lot. Shows she is thinking about it, and desires it.
They feel so unworthy.

Baby steps are big steps.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Alvin's 5th: Ghost love score
« Reply #16 on: December 05, 2019, 05:59:31 AM »
Standing - no doubt there's guilt and shame within my W. I  can only imagine how terrible receiving unconditional love and compassion and forgiveness must feel when/if you believe you are not worthy any of it.

As for today... I'm still somewhere in the land of grief/mourning, grace and forgiveness... Possibly this song here describes it all oh so well: https://youtu.be/igtI_c3KYv4

Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** “Rivers know this: There is no hurry, we shall get there some day.” — Winnie the Pooh ***

Offline Thunder

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Re: Alvin's 5th: Ghost love score
« Reply #17 on: December 05, 2019, 07:17:27 AM »
Beautiful song, Alvin.  None of this is easy, is it?

Here's a another song you may like:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-VPzJ76D30
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Alvin's 5th: Ghost love score
« Reply #18 on: December 05, 2019, 12:51:16 PM »
Thanks Thunder. Very nice song, and the text beneath the video hit right on the target. The "reason I wait" proclamation.  That pretty much summed up all my "silly beliefs" about love, and how I feel/felt about her.  Some of those are still within, some I have traded away to new "more flexible beliefs" just to survive. Hence I mourn the loss of innocence.... All in all I feel I am lightyears away from man I was last Christmas.

Journaling....

G19 and I had a lengthy phone conversation today. She pondered aloud Ws inability to make choices other than at last moment (even if then) or forced (even if then). Eventually I shared with her that W possibly suffers from mental fatigue/burnout, and as such struggles with decision making and stress. And that it can/will take years, possibly decade or more of the same as W is refusing professional help of all kinds ... G19 took it well, not at all surprised.

I also had good quick talk with G18 later..about us two, how much of the same we ultimately share... This is the most important blessing of MLC. It has the potential to make family stronger if we just embrace the possibility

Alvin
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** “Rivers know this: There is no hurry, we shall get there some day.” — Winnie the Pooh ***

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Alvin's 5th: Ghost love score
« Reply #19 on: December 06, 2019, 01:19:08 AM »
Quick bit of journaling  as Im having a day off ....

Did you ever feel like you were dipped into bowl of (self) grace and (self) compassion and (self) forgiveness? I don't know how else to describe this stage I am in. I very much enjoy soaking in this melancholic hottub of mine. I somehow feel/know this is part of my healing... The path of LBS is truly mysterious one, and full of surprises.

Alvin
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** “Rivers know this: There is no hurry, we shall get there some day.” — Winnie the Pooh ***

 

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