Author Topic: My Story Life Stress and MLC  (Read 600 times)

Offline Jackolar12Topic starterTopic starter

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My Story Life Stress and MLC
« on: November 16, 2019, 10:00:00 AM »
Every one has stress you can’t avoid it. What contribution do you think it made to your former spouse making their decision to leave. People cope with stress differently and they have different threshold tolerances, was your stressed two years prior to bomb drop and what are they like two years after.

The period in between would naturally be more stressful on the lead up to bomb drop and allowing two years for divorce which is a stressful time for everyone.  Now the dust has settled do they seem calmer than before or are they just the same as they normally were.
Kind regards jack

Jackolar, you have started quite a few Discussion threads, which is fine, but I don't want your Story thread to get lost.  I only found 2, if I am missing any, please let me know.

Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5927.0

First thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4281.0
« Last Edit: November 16, 2019, 04:20:50 PM by Thunder »

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Life Stress and MLC
« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2019, 11:59:27 AM »
I can respond to this in terms of my husbands behavior prior to BD. He is a workaholic. He always has been . It was a very attractive draw to him when we 1st met as he was a hard hard worker, extremely committed to jobs he took on and had a very admirable reputation. He is in the construction/building industry and was bull-moose strong...nobody was physically stronger and no one could out work him.

He had an exceptional work ethic and was very well known and was called to jobs all over north America. He was their "problem-solver trouble shooter " kind of man that was just as impressive in a business meeting in a suit and tie as he was in work boots.

The year prior to BD his work load increased to a ridiculous pace , he had trouble keeping a crew ( men do not want to work 15 hour days) , he was NOT happy with anyone, he became angry to the point of physically grabbing a man on a job. He had an altercation with his boss and shoved his desk against him and pushed him to the wall.

His boss told me . He worked except for 5-6 hours a day ...when he slept. To say it was insane was an understatement. But the HUGE issue came when a new ( young alpha male) was hired and often challenged my husband. He HATED this person and NEVER had I seen that before . He worked hard to discredit him, talked endless about him and created chaos in the workplace. VERY unlike my extremely friendly , social and kind husband. I could sense he physically was "compressed"...like a huge explosion was coming.

He broke our phone ...smashed it arguing with someone, he could NOT REMEMBER anything ( like blueprints and drawings) , he could NOT keep up with the work he took on. There was a huge fire at a job site and he was trying to comprehend that issue , trying to book a flight , trying to pay his crew and was absolutely exhausted … it was then he dropped the big bomb on me . Same day.

Then he flew out of the province and left me in that stated. I had many people ask me what the hell was wrong with him....his boss, his brothers, friends. I had no impact on him and I certainly could not change his work life. After he was "thrown -out" of our home, I had access to his email ( he never shut down his big desk computer ) and saw an email that he was "quitting his job". To say that was shocking ….I almost died. He said he was not "respected and was not used for the skills he had ". Bizzare.

I again spoke to his boss. He asked me if my husband had a "drug issue ...or what was wrong that he suddenly changed ". I just cannot tell you the disbelief. I had to tell his boss that he no longer lived with me. He said that I needed to get him to a doctor .

My husband has returned . He talks a lot about HUGE job stress ...most of it self imposed. It was another way to "run, fill the whole in his life, avoid and ignore". It was how he had met his extreme need for admiration, acknowledgment and praise. And I do mean EXTREME need for validation. He talked in therapy about not being able to remember , to make any decisions , to feel anything positive...he felt nothing . He blamed his job for his "crash and burn " at the time. But it was just part of the perfect storm that is MLC.

He has to work hard on selfcare, finding balance and NOT overworking ...he has to pay attention to that . He has been in therapy for 5 years and still struggles . He is still learning to say NO, to create personal boundaries and to physically pay attention to himself. Amazingly, months later, the company offered  him his job back ( even though he quit in a very nasty way) . He is extremely likeable and was an asset to the company.

Stress played a huge huge role. But what came 1st ? Feeling or emotional unrest ( part of MLC) and that mad him work like a crazy man ? Or his hectic lifestyle pushed him into a MLC?  I have my own opinion about that .
« Last Edit: November 16, 2019, 03:55:52 PM by Thunder »
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Jackolar12Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Life Stress and MLC
« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2019, 01:48:58 PM »
Thank you Barbiedoll that’s a great reply, he was prolific no wonder they want him back. There’s information on line about research that identifies the hormone cortisol at high levels over extended time causing the brain to change into a different state in some people.

The brain is stuck in flight or fight mode, that coupled with a dysfunctional Amygdala might change their perception of once pleasurable things into threats. That new guy could have been one together with his employment. I see your husband both fought and tried to flee by resigning. He’s a big man but did he ever mention he was fearful during this time. Also if your perceived as good or low threat they are comfortable around you and could explain why some Mlcers keep connected with their children, friends and extended family and others don’t. They get foggy thinking as well as their brains changing as well as frontal lobe connection problems.


In an altered state the fight /flight person can revalue the stimuli that were once dear to them into threat levels, enemies if you will. It may be why the former loved Lbs is devalued as we are seen in a negative way and not supplying what they need in the altered  brain state. We are of course it’s just the way they perceive things in an altered state.

Their set on a hair trigger and can instantly react to things negatively In relation to the threat level they perceive, where they would have been more reasonable before. Sounds a bit like monster mode we’ve experienced. It’s a primal state designed to protect them, was he severely depressed as well.I’m happy he’s making progress they don’t revert back easily it’s so individual. I have copied and pasted a snippet for you below.

“Chronic Stress Can Damage Brain Structure and Connectivity
Chronic stress and high levels of cortisol create long-lasting brain changes.
Posted Feb 12, 2014

Neuroscientists have discovered how chronic stress and cortisol can damage the brain. A new study reconfirms the importance of maintaining healthy brain structure and connectivity by reducing chronic stress.
Neuroscientists at the University of California, Berkeley, have found that chronic stress triggers long-term changes in brain structure and function.”

I will see what others might have experienced and post more when I find it.
Kind regards
Jack






Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Life Stress and MLC
« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2019, 03:01:41 PM »
Quote
hormone cortisol at high levels over extended time causing the brain to change into a different state in some people.
.

I do agree with this . Cortisol is your stress hormone. I have had hormone testing done and have extremely low cortisol ...olmost not registering . It is a result of the past 4 -5 years of extreme stress and I have exhausted my adrenal glands and have been diagnosed with Adrenal Fatigue. I am on supplements and a regime of changes to allow cortisol to build up and return to normal. I take several adaptions that treat adrenal fatigue whether it is too high or too low .

I do NOT believe it played a factor in my husbands situation...unless of course it has been a long standing issue since childhood. His issues are far deeper and present perhaps all of his life.

Quote
The brain is stuck in flight or fight mode
.

That is MY brain. It is in part how PTSD affects your amygdala . I have a sort of adrenaline" sensitivity " ( as they say) and in under 1 / 10 of a second I can go into fight or flight , if I am triggered . Trust me … faster than lightening .

Now, in my husbands case, he was severely traumatised as a child...I have not heard worse anywhere on HS. He was born under 2 lbs to a 15 year old mother . She had 2 more boys and left when age was 18 . That would be the good part ...he was raised by a rageful alcoholic who called him a "son-of-a-wh0r^" his entire life, beat them, moved every single year ( he was never in the same school for 2 grades). some sexual abuse etc etc …

He has PTSD from childhood, has ACOA Trauma Syndrome and I could go on.... His brain "changed" or was damaged in childhood as a result of trauma ...trauma changes the developing brain in young growing children. So his "fight or flight " activation or dysfuction has been there his entire life . He has told the therapist that he has been " fearful likely his entire life". And here we are ...cleaning up the damage as adults . His problems are from FOO issues ...some I knew nothing about .

http://www.practicenotes.org/v17n2/brain.htm

Quote
was he severely depressed
.

Yes. But he denied this at BD . Only in recovery does he see he was profoundly depressed.


I agree with this , however , what does "chronic" mean to you ? I believe it is much longer than any MLC. Chronic is defined

a
: continuing or occurring again and again for a long time
chronic indigestion
chronic experiments
b
: suffering from a chronic disease
the special needs of chronic patients
2
a
: always present or encountered
especially : constantly vexing, weakening, or troubling
chronic petty warfare
chronic meddling in one another's domestic affairs
— Amatzia Baram
b
: being such habitually
a chronic grumbler

I believe it has been present in my husband since birth...maybe prior to birth as has been suggested to us. Forever …he was raised and weaned on trauma . I do NOT believe it contributes to a person in MLC...unless, there have been previous issues. I completely and utterly believe MLC is a result of FOO issues...and some of the FOO issues DO alter the brain developement , changed  fight or flight reactions, changed cortisol and other stress related hormones ... alters everything .



Not sure why the top quote is crossed out … I never did that .

« Last Edit: November 16, 2019, 03:58:26 PM by Thunder »
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Life Stress and MLC
« Reply #4 on: November 16, 2019, 03:10:01 PM »
Jack,

I’m in the boat that looks awfully similar to Barbie’s. H took a new job 2 years ago, maybe 4-5 times the size of the previous companies he had run, they don’t typically hire outsiders and they brought him in as 2nd knowing that he will take over this coming year.

The dynamics of that workplace are wild, the boss has some sort of complex about women, idolizes his mom and has been through 3 marriages and almost all the female staff.  So the female staff go and come as they please, and basically run rampant.....undermining the entire management team, and run a gossip circle that gets anyone who crosses them fired. The boss and H get into lots of verbal altercations and I have just been informed H has smashed his 3rd phone in as many months.

It’s like high school without adult supervision if it was run by an angry boss and the mean girls. H has been working 100 hr weeks for months and often refuses to take any days off. 

What a perfect place for a people pleaser with anxiety and a perfectionist complex.

H is an adult, I can’t stop him. I’ve begged  him to quit the job to no avail. So I step back.....work on financial security for me and S and start making lifeboat plans for when this ship inevitably sinks. Not to mention seeing the advancing iceberg allows me time to get myself stabilized in therapy, for whatever happens next.

What things are occurring that create stress:
Moving
New job
Workaholism
Affair
High conflict environment
Lack of coping skills
Lack of boundaries
Oh and FOO issues, schizophrenic and Bipolar drug addicted mother, parent divorce before age 2,   physical abuse and torture, severe CEN, abandonment several times starting around age 11, being permanently abandoned with his sister at age 13, we don’t know if there was sexual abuse or not but we suspect there was. Being trained from age 5 that he was the caretaker for his mom and baby sister.
Ect, ect,ect

Remember it’s our marriage, the one where we lived in separate places for 4 months prior to the move, and that he has been working 100 hrs a week and coming home after I’m asleep that is causing all this stress and that is wearing him down. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
« Last Edit: November 16, 2019, 03:59:10 PM by Thunder »
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Life Stress and MLC
« Reply #5 on: November 16, 2019, 03:44:48 PM »
Quote
Oh and FOO issues, schizophrenic and Bipolar drug addicted mother, parent divorce before age 2,   physical abuse and torture, severe CEN, abandonment several times starting around age 11, being permanently abandoned with his sister at age 13, we don’t know if there was sexual abuse or not but we suspect there was. Being trained from age 5 that he was the caretaker for his mom and baby sister.
Ect, ect,ect
.

That is  very significant childhood trauma. CEN is also present in my husband . I do believe the roots of adult crisis starts in childhood and explodes into crisis when it no longer sits dormant in a person.  And there is the proof …" we did not cause it ".

https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/

My husbands ACE score …  9 out of 10. Nothing "normal" will come out of that .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Life Stress and MLC
« Reply #6 on: November 16, 2019, 04:03:23 PM »
Barbie,

I am a 9......H is a 10.
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Hmmm

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Re: Life Stress and MLC
« Reply #7 on: November 17, 2019, 02:54:37 AM »
Hi guys,
I barely post these days as my H is very settled with his OW-at least six years and he has cats now:)

His childhood was very similar to your H’s but with multiple sexual abusers too. He is still a workaholic. Visited the kids yesterday and mainly slept on my sofa.

Just wondering what you mean by CEN?

I used to be a biologist and agree totally with the ‘before birth’ trauma due to epigenetics switching on genes in preparation for a life of fight or flight. Freeze in his case with dissociation.

Not sure if I’m standing now, divorce about to be final. I have lots of fond memories but I crave a life of enjoying simple pleasures like wild camping, music and fun. He’s in a fast paced business that is superficial and involved pandering to narcissistic millionaires

Love to you all, you are patient and working hard on yourselves. It’s painful and tiring but will be well worth it xxx

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Life Stress and MLC
« Reply #8 on: November 17, 2019, 04:42:26 AM »
Hi Hmmm, I am responding to your question about CEN. It stands for Children Of Emotional Neglect . It is very much my childhood wound. Jonice Webb is brilliant about addressing Cen and wrote the book Running On Empty .

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/2017/07/7-signs-you-grew-up-with-childhood-emotional-neglect/

I am glad you posted. Would like to hear from you more .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Hmmm

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Re: Life Stress and MLC
« Reply #9 on: November 17, 2019, 05:47:28 AM »
Thanks Barbie. Yep, lots of that sadly. Still angry at his dad who was in and out of his life. His addict mother died on her birthday this summer after a short battle with lung and bone cancer. Awful end to a chaotic life but no excuse in letting her child bring up the others and be beaten etc by her boyfriends. It’s impossible for me to be angry at him but OW is currently having a very nice life with him miles away. Our house is happy at least

I’m just making sure my kids have a calm, stress free life. They’re doing much better despite a very sporadic visitation schedule xxx

 

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