BURNING MAN 16

[Finding Joy]

I always kind of smile that you are so into country music and live in New York State:). I am a TX girl and so country music is a part of my DNA.  It truly is so unfair what she has done to you and your boys.  I really believe things are going to get better between you and them with the divorce, but agree that teenagers are typically less about hanging with their parents.

My biggest fear is that one of my older kids would want to live with their dad, and if they want to, they can.  I wouldn’t be able to stop them.  I wonder if your son would consider it.  He is old enough to have a big part of the decision.

[3Boys4Me]

Oh man, how I wish H wanted an active role with the boys - he would except they won’t spend time with OW (they knew her, family friend) so he has chosen her over seeing them, almost exclusively.

I am sorry if you have explained why previously, I don’t understand how she can keep you away from your kids / justify that?? Do all you can to get your time with them. They should know how much you want to be with them - I applaud how you are trying to see your son every day.

[karmirtsaghik]

Watcher,

This is so heart wrenching to read about how you sneak in 10 minutes here and there just to see your son. What kind of a mother would do this? Does your son have friends or social life? I agree with Thunder that you can ask you lawyer to look into a possibility to fast forward custody hearing. You need to document all the days that you sneak out to see your son, all the effort that you put in, also the day when he told you that his mom is nearby and therefore there was not chance of two of you seeing each other.
 
Soon enough she will not be able to control your kids. She is not going to basically put them under house arrest for the rest of their lives.

Stay strong, Watcher.

[Treasur]

Watcher...I hear you sound as if you are losing faith a bit with regard to your boys. Please don't, especially with your youngest. I know that sneaking around to grab 10 mins with him is insane and feels so far from what you want. But this time will not last forever...that is one thing we LBS learn lol...and he told you himself that he sees what you are doing and that he really appreciates it. I agree with using the legal system for access when/if you can and going strong on what is extreme parental alienation....but until then, don't lose the faith Watcher. Those ten minutes are a lifeline for your son.

[Watcher]

Hi Thunder, FindingJoy, 3Boys4Me, Karm, Treasur.

Yes he has friends at school so I do have to be respectful that he has a teenager life and I don't want to place any pressure on him.

There are no neighborhood friends as the school is about 5 miles away from our home.

Everything has to wait until the Jan 14th hearing date where all these issues will be addressed. You have to remember she doesn't get along with me and the Court looks at my July filing date and not 2015 BD.

S16 texted me from school this morning that his mom is picking him up today supposedly for a dr appointment. It could be true as she takes them to endless doctors for various reasons.

They are both at a strange age. There is not much I can do until this divorce process starts to move again in January. I cannot goto the house and they will not leave it because they have to listen to her.

S16 keeps warning me about how she is going to explode if she sees me. IDK. She sounds angry and I don't need a false restraining order or any other police nonsense at this stage.

Yes Finding Joy I am new to country music as of 2017. Sam Hunt is the next big concert in December.  Brett Young just announced a Feb concert in NYC. 

There are so many concerts in December and January at smaller venues. Country music is very popular here.

I will see what happens tomorrow.

Enjoy your day

Thank you

[Watcher]

Also, I recognize I have expectations in regards to seeing S16 and I was disappointed yesterday. I cannot expect him to always remember to text me and let me know his schedule.

This morning he sent me his "just want to give you a heads up" text warning about his mom getting him today. I thanked him for letting me know.

I guess I have my own insecurity and fears when it comes to the 2 boy's. It's like I'm paving the way for a kid.

This morning I went to the dentist and then I went to a Spanish bakery. Not thee Spanish bakery where the women flirt with me but the food is so so.

I went to a bakery where the food is much better for my empanadas and pan de bono. I had a guy wait on me so I held the flirt. 

They keep playing that Keith Urban/ Eric Church mix for "We Were" which is just awesome.

So back to the bakery. It always amazes me that I can speak fluent Spanish because of being with my W. I have to listen carefully because it is a fast language for my ear but the gentleman today spoke slowly so I had no issue.

I would say I'm a shy Spanish speaker but I always surprise myself. S19 is also fluent. He picked it up rather easily when he was a toddler. S16 rejected his Spanish heritage when he was a toddler. He was a bada$$ as a little one. He had ADHD as a child or full of life as I liked to say. 

He is better at speaking it now. He is taking French in high school and he wants to switch now to Spanish to get that easy A. I told him that Freshamn year and he didn't listen to me.  He must be finally comfortable with his language skills.

Back to Country music. In 2017 Nash FM radio started in the New York area. So it introduced me to a new genre and I was escaping the same mundane radio played music. Now they call the station New Yorks Country 94.7 FM. 

Dierks Bentley is the one who caught my eye with "Black" then Thomas Rhett with Maren Morris "Crazy for You" I think it was called. So the concerts going just started in 2019.

I mean i went to Duluth, Minnesota for Dierks Bentley and I was hooked. I attended that concert knowing 2 songs. "Black" and "Burning Man". However, "Drunk on a Plane" stole the show and that's a great concert song.

Luke Bryan has a new one called "What She Wants Tonight". That's another good one.

I dropped the ball on Zach Brown Band and Maren Morris. Now she is pregnant so you know she will not be touring for awhile.

So Whyus influenced my concert going. Noexpectations influenced my Kickboxing. I was thinking the other day she kind of also influenced my running. She joined softball and I wasn't going that route. So I settled on running.

Anyway that's my day thus far.

Thanks again

[Watcher]

Just Journaling

Kickboxing went fine tonight. I haven't lived at home for 35 of the 53 months since BD so I should be used to this by now. The main difference is I still visited our home and I saw our son's 5-6 days a week.

I haven't seen S19 since June 1st graduation. I actually just saw him at the ceremony as she threw me out of the house at 3am that morning.

Before I filed I kind of just thought I would weather the storm and it would pass. Since I filed I'm beginning to see just how bad this situation became and it seems like it's going to take a herculean effort to get divorced now as she drags her feet.

S16 has given me so much optimism and I really need to stop acting like the sky is falling at times. I have to keep reminding myself that this is not going to be resolved in one day.

He is solid and I have no doubts about him. I trigger myself. I remembered when she ran away with the boys in 2015 and it hit me yesterday. That just starting running in my head. I just had that same feeling.

He is trying to have a normal life and right away I fear the worse if I don't hear from him. She took them from me and cut off all contact at the height of BD and my anxiety.

That scarred me. I know what it's like to lose them. She was a monster when she returned Sept 2015 and I was soooooo happy my boys were home. They were 15 and 12 at the time. That was an incredibly painful experience when she left with them for 35 days.

I think that's my current fear. Losing them to divorce and her vindictiveness. She is going to punish me. That is for sure. She loves to dole it out and I have been on the receiving end of it for years now.

Tomorrow they will announce if I made it to the NYC Half Marathon in March 2020. This year I joined NY Road Runners Club and I'm partaking in their 9+1 program in 2020.

If I run 9 races and volunteer for 1 throughout 2020 then I automatically gain entry into the 2021 NYC Marathon. The NYC Half would count as 1 race towards that goal.

I know I said I wouldn't run in January however I signed up for the Fred Lebow Half which would also go towards that goal.

Again I'm going to run less  and try and focus on certain goals. I already have 2 Marathons scheduled for 2020 and the NYC Marathon would fit nicely in 2021 once I meet the requirements.

I'm going to bed. We will see what happens tomorrow and I'm sure it won't be the end of the world.

[Watcher]

"I'm jealous of the blue jeans that you're wearing
And the way they're holding you so tight".
-Dan and Shay, "All to Myself"

I'm not a Dan and Shay fan however that is a great opening line for a song. Hmm, that's what I'm missing in life. I need a pair of blue jeans to be jealous of in my life. 

S16 texted me this morning that he will not be in school today as he still has a persistent cough.

When she pretended to be S16 last December via text he quickly told me that it was her so I don't believe anything funny is going on here. He is just home sick today.

We will see what happens tomorrow and Friday.

At Kickboxing on Monday we discussed how the 22 yr old female instructor is going to hurt someone. She is the one who is always barking at me but I'm used to her.

Now it's a straight hour on the bag. No more ab work which is strange and the thermostat in the gym is real high I've noticed. I was drenched more than usual. I mean I really hate dripping and leaving a mess.

She is the one who injured my oblique last Spring so I have to be careful with her as I missed 6 weeks of gym time because of it. Some of the men are grumbling that they don't want to take her class anymore.

Yes I'm 47 years old and I don't want to do a burpee and be barked at to hit my chest to the floor. She can be a real pain in the arse especially when she stands over me to make sure I pound them out.

However, I can be a smartass. When the instructor asks what exercise would you like the class to perform Watcher I always answer with burpees just to hear the groans. 

My buddy is also 47 so I was telling him last night that we have to enjoy it now because I hear it gets much harder once we turn 48. 

Tonight is hump day at the gym and this is when the intensity nosedives straight thru Friday. Hmm, 3 male instructors in a row and quite easy. Those women are rough. Monday and Tuesday nights are rough.

Honestly I would follow better female instructors Wednesday thru Friday however the guys will only workout at 430pm and this is my be social with men week.

Rain now in the forecast for the Marathon. Oh my goodness.

Enjoy your day

[UrsaMajor]

All caught up now.....

[Watcher]

Hi UrsaMajor.

Tonight I took off from the gym as I have to rest for this Marathon I thought. I drove all day today at work and I was tired anyway with the traffic. Take 4 full days off to prepare. I've been carb loading so far this week eating a lot of pasta and pizza.

I've also been consistent with my Whey protein shakes.

Still calling for rain at the moment for Sunday. Tomorrow night I have Luke Combs and it sort of has snuck up on me. I made this purchase right after I met my attorney in June and now it is here.

I was hesitant because I was filing for divorce and here I was making all these plans. Well 6 months has passed since our 1st consultation and I'm still getting divorced and everything I planned panned out thus far.

I keep thinking this divorce is real and at times it seems like I'm not even getting divorced. Is it her lack of response, attorney or participation which has thrown me ?  IDK.... Its not what I expected.

Today I received confirmation that I was accepted in the NYC Half Marathon in March. I logged into my NYRR account and the confetti popped signaling that I was accepted. 

I have events planned over the next 8 months leading into July 2020. Sometimes I'm still hesitant like I shouldn't be doing anything or spending money on myself, or traveling.

I know come July I will be satisfied with the decisions I made when I look back. Maybe I will be divorced by July. IDK....

I'm still having a hard time breaking myself down. It's hard walking away from that family role. Yes, I don't mean it like I'm walking away, however I'm really not in the role as I want it to be.

I don't believe I'm still viewing things through the MLC lens. I really haven't thought of her. I know there is something wrong with her and it's on her to figure it out. I'm satisfied with that conclusion.

I cutoff her social media nonsense so I'm really in the dark now. I made a decision when I started seeing S16 that I would just make it about him and I going forward. Of course I would love to add his brother.

I'm comfortable at the moment because I know nothing is going on. I know the stress will return as I get closer to the Jan 14th hearing date.

Hopefully I will see S16 tomorrow if he goes to school. Of course this is not what I wanted. The divorce. However, I wouldn't give up anything in my life to remain married to her.

So work, hopefully S16 afterwards, then Luke Combs tomorrow.

Have a good night everyone