[Acorn]

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on the topic, folks.  This forum is full of sensible, mature, honest and deep thinking people who are not only willing but wanting to learn and grow, recognizing that focussing on MLCer is neither helpful, nor healthy.

Courage, how much I agree with you:

I feel like there should be some giant disclaimer at the beginning that says:
MLC IS CAUSED BY A VARIETY OF FACTORS EACH IS DIFFERENT AND PERSON SPECIFIC, YOU CANNOT AFFECT OR CHANGE ANY OF THEM, IF YOU ARE FOCUSING ON YOUR SPOUSE/EX YOU CAN NEITHER BE GROWING OR HEALING.

It’s notable how I, in reconnection/rebuilding, and Offroad in different circumstances, have the same attitdude:

For me, and it is only for me, when I moved from thinking about what will happen when he sorts himself out to what I want to do NOW, the focus was no longer on what my MLCer did or didn't do. It was on how I wanted to live my life, whether or not he ever returns, reconnects, speaks to me again, whatever. What he does is his own business. I will take care of me ( and at the time, the kids).

I’d say the MLC lens is a tool to understand what is going on, not a way of life.  Use it when necessary and then put it away.  A bit like my magnifying glasses for fine needlework.  I can’t imagine driving with them on! 

I, for one, would love to read more reflections on the question in the thread title, which is about LBS, not MLCer.
We can be a mirror for one another. 

[One day at a time]

Great question Acorn!

It did keep me stuck for a while, it was a way to justify the unjustifiable so I could in a way keep my love for H.. It explained a lot of things for me and that helped me a lot in the beginning but eventually the MLC lens had to go so I could really start moving forward with my life.. The issue with the MLC lens is that it gives the idea of "this is just temporary, if I ride the wave, we'll be OK in the end".. But the reality is that very few people actually do reconnect/reconcile so eventually I saw the MLC lens as nothing more than denial.. Denial that my life had changed forever and it was up to me and me alone to get up, dust myself off and move forward and let H choose his own path..  Only when the MLC lens went, I truly stopped waiting for an outcome.

[Father5]

This is a great thread ,

I am a little over a year in and I feel stuck at time's. I still yearn for a return or something.  I am growing and moving forward but at snail's pace it feels. I sometimes go afee weeks without posting on this site. Then something happens, I see her or whatever and  I cycle all over again.

 They are shorter and less intense but that is where I am. Am I in denial ? Maybe but I am trusting the process. She is no good for me and I am no good to anyone else at the moment.

   But I get stronger everyday

God Bless you all

[Not Applicable]

Whatever our focus is on, ourselves or our spouses, I think if we are still in this forum, we are stuck. Especially if we are focusing on ourselves, here. Because why on earth should we need to be focusing on ourselves in an MLC forum? It's almost lying to oneself to say you are focused on yourself if you spend all your time here. I think if people were really focused on themselves and not their MLCer, they would find another place to do it.

[beyondblessed]

Whatever our focus is on, ourselves or our spouses, I think if we are still in this forum, we are stuck. Especially if we are focusing on ourselves, here. Because why on earth should we need to be focusing on ourselves in an MLC forum? It's almost lying to oneself to say you are focused on yourself if you spend all your time here. I think if people were really focused on themselves and not their MLCer, they would find another place to do it.

Not for me.  I've long since left the abandoner in the dust.  I'm here simply to encourage every other LBS to do the same
All you have to do is read a sample of my thread to see this is how I roll.

[Couragedearheart]

NYM,

Whatever our focus is on, ourselves or our spouses, I think if we are still in this forum, we are stuck. Especially if we are focusing on ourselves, here. Because why on earth should we need to be focusing on ourselves in an MLC forum? It's almost lying to oneself to say you are focused on yourself if you spend all your time here. I think if people were really focused on themselves and not their MLCer, they would find another place to do it.

I politely disagree.
In this forum I am asked questions that challenge me to grow. That help me see truths that I am unable to see myself. I am given links that are timely and have helped me grow and heal exponentially.

If that is the truth for yourself........I lovingly ask....why are you here?

[Acorn]

NYM, I think ‘stuck’ and ‘choose to stay’ may have been used synonymously.  I will respond to your post because the term ‘stuck’ needs further clarification as some have already suggested, and, thus, it’s relevant to the thread title. 

Whatever our focus is on, ourselves or our spouses, I think if we are still in this forum, we are stuck. 

Sure, some might be stuck and that’s the reason for their presence on HS.  In my humble opinion, these are the people who sit on their hands, waiting for their MLCers to wake up and come back to them.  In other words, ‘sitting on the porch and crocheting doilies.’ - UrsaMajor.   (Thanks, UM!  )

Some stay to learn more about themselves so that they may grow.  I dare say no one is perfect and there is always something we can learn and improve on.  In those cases, this forum works as a mirror.  A good thing.

Some stay to pay it forward.  When we were hurting and confused, many kind people virtually held our hands,  hugged us and checked up on us.  Total strangers responded with their hearts brimming with empathy.  (I’m tearing up...  These total strangers were there for me when I was floundering.)

Especially if we are focusing on ourselves, here. Because why on earth should we need to be focusing on ourselves in an MLC forum? 

I’d say that if LBS is focusing on herself and her life, she has graduated from the newbie status after having learned enough about MLC to realize that you simply cannot fix MLCer or predict the outcome of MLC or M.

I shout from the rooftop: ‘Focus on yourselves, LBSs!’

It's almost lying to oneself to say you are focused on yourself if you spend all your time here.

It could be true in some cases, I don’t know.

Some may spend a lot of time here because of the same reasons I outlined at the beginning - for self improvement and/or to pay it forward.  Maybe they feel it is their calling to help others because they also have been there and understand what other LBSs are experiencing?   It’s same as volunteering in real life, such as helping out in a soup kitchen, etc.

I think if people were really focused on themselves and not their MLCer, they would find another place to do it.

I agree that it may be beneficial for some to leave HS in order to quit obsessing about their MLCers, move forward and rebuild their lives.

I also think that some old timers who help out day in, day out, are here because they would love to help others. Because they are good people. 

Let’s not confuse ‘stuck’ with ‘staying on.’

Now, back to the question: Seeing your situation through the MLC lens.  Does it keep you stuck?

[Treasur]

The simplest definition of 'stuck' for me was feeling stuck.
Either in indecision or in inaction. Sometimes both lol.
Focusing too much for too long on the MLC bit of the equation added something that I could not control, predict or change or really comprehend tbh. I was stuck when I was still trying to do that bc actually it was impossible.

I agree that older timers like me come here for different reasons as you say Acorn and each of us knows if that is feeding a sense of 'stuck' or not at a given time.

[Not Applicable]

Yes, there are people who stay on to help others. That's not what I am talking about, because it has nothing to do with focusing on oneself. 

But coming to a forum about MLC and saying you are focusing on yourself is like saying you aren't thinking about pink elephants. How can you not think about pink elephants in a pink elephant forum? You can't shut yourself off from the MLC discussion here even if you are coming here to focus on yourself. If you really want to focus on yourself I believe you have to get away from the reminders of MLC.

As for why I am here, well it has nothing to do with focusing on myself. I'm not pretending to be focusing on myself or self-healing or doing any mirror work. I actually have quite a lot that needs my focus in my life other than my MLCer at the moment anyway, even if I were interested in that kind of stuff, which I am not. Why focus on ourselves anyway? Don't people have kids, elderly parents, hobbies, jobs etc. that need their attention? Why all the encouragement of navel gazing rather than just LIVING life?

Also, I still live with my MLCer so he's not something I can just take my focus off entirely anyway for practical reasons.

[in it]

I guess I felt stuck here after a time, as relating /rehashing my story so I could relate to others was getting kind of old. And sometimes way too painful There came a time when I got no benefit and recounting it.  No reason to keep reliving it.

It did help a great deal to be able to vent here..I had a lot of that to do. I was trying to get myself back to somewhat "normal" And this site helped me, I should say, let me do that, vent, and no one took it personally or was offended then. nor told me not to be angry. And for that I am grateful.

 Sick of myself posting that same old past rehash?  That is not going to make any difference. it's in the past. I wasn't put on this earth to put up with some guys abusive BS. I just didn't want to make the same mistakes I had already had made in case I moved on into another relationship.

So you have to give yourself the time to heal and actively work to get there. So just in case you move on to another relationship you will be healed enough not to attract the same type of man (woman)  again.

In working on myself I threw up huge boundaries this second time. That was hard to get used to having. I worried way to much about how others felt about me. I always tried to be polite before.

 If I get pissed now? Especially after I've done all I could and someone still thinks they can get away with keeping me engaged in a negative way? I do not take one ounce of sh!t anymore. My anger lets me know something is wrong.

Mostly for these last six years I was stuck in the anger phase of grief. May still be to a certain extent? but no where near as bad as it was. In my opinion The anger helps you detach.

And I am careful whom I do this with. Had a fight with one tenant.  NO PROBLEM- get out.

She persisted to text to keep the fight going. . I just stopped replying.

 Was it hard? YES very hard. Hop- up -and- down- wanna -throw -my -phone -across -the -room- then- stomp- on- it hard. But I stopped texting.   

I found out there's been some lying on her part. Now I will not deal with her at all.

 I had a dear friend of mine the other day we were texting about an horrible accident that had happened in our area The authorities where looking for a red truck with front passenger damage. She said since she had the same kind of damage on her truck and it's red she might stay home.

I said to her.."They said red, your truck is not red." She came back with "Yes it is."

I said "No it's not, it's more of a rust color." Then added "I'm not arguing with you. If you think it's red, it's red." sent her a laughy emoji and a kissy face one.