Its been an interesting few days. I returned from the work trip I went on with H which was lovely overall if not a little bit eventful. More on that later.
As I lay awake one of the nights, the feeling I was downloading was like H was 98% delighted I was there and 2 % struggling with the merging of his 2 worlds. I felt almost like I had taken a recovering alcoholic to a bar. Having a romantic partner in a world that he has valiantly been trying to clean up seemed a little confusing maybe? It’s not that he has run rampant and kept his hotel rooms filled with female guests in the past but the MLC part of his brain definitely has had the freedom to run free without being watched when he is away from home.
The whole experience also made me realise how easy it would be to fill the down time with unhealthy pursuits rather than going to the gym and then going for walks and watching hours of Netflix as H does. He is not a reader or on social media so his time is not wasted doing that like it is for so many.
On the first day, neither of us had to work so we went into the City for dinner and a few drinks by the river. We were looking for places to go on H’s phone and as he flicked out of one internet screen, all his previous screens flicked up and I saw the heading of one of his searches was ow’s name. I saw it, H saw it and I asked him why it was there immediately. He got a bit defensive and said it had been there for a while and he can’t remember why. His reaction and seeing her name was like tipping a bucket of ice cold water over me and I shut down – couldn’t help it.
A few mins later H said “just so you know, there has been no contact between us at all since we last discussed it” I already knew that he hadn’t called or messaged her because I’d seen the phone records a few days earlier (I check them at the end of every month before they drop off the record). It is completely feasible that it could have been a search he did a long time ago because I know I would have very old screens open on my phone. His reaction being a bit defensive earlier seemed to point at a more recent search though. It could have been that he just didn’t want our day ruined by this too.
He went on to elaborate on a conversation that we’d had the week before when he’d rang me on the way home from work in a grumpy mood after having gone through the COVID interrogation that happens every time he comes back into our airport. He is well and truly over the whole thing and some of the bizarre and non-sensical rules he has to follow. Anyhoo, he explained how earlier in the day he had been happy and that it has been a long time since he has felt happy like that. I understood exactly what he meant and was a little surprised by his honesty. He is very good at being happy when he is at home or around me but when he is on his own with only his thoughts and his world, it must be harder. We talked about how I had heard what he’d said and wondered if the word ‘happy’ could have been interchanged with ‘peace’ in this instance. He said that it could – that was accurate. He said that he felt that way because of the growing distance between him and the situation with ow. That’s what I thought he had meant when he mentioned it. I think I even said that to Evermore on text. It was good to be able to have that confirmed. That talk thawed the ice.
On the second day, H saw a guy in the hotel that we have both known for years although it might be close to 10 years since I have seen him. He used to be a pilot with H’s company and has moved onto another airline. He is also a good friend of the guy that H suspected was behind the stalking. H tells me that apparently he recently sent a text to H’s friend (previously described here as “friend I hate”) which said “you’re a firetrucking count” (remove the o). FIH thought it might have something to do with H and the suspected stalker but reported it to HR anyway and didn’t reply. Seemed like a bit of a stretch to me because why wouldn’t he just send that text straight to H. Not EVERYTHING is to do with H!!
Anyway, the next day, I get an email at my work email address from a person calling themselves Danielle ….for your entertainment, here it is:
“Hi H&F,
Could you please let me know the actual marital status between you and H is? I am getting conflicting stories from him compared to other people at work. My understanding is that you were married long term and have now been separated about 15 months. Sorry for emailing you, I do not know who else I can get a straight answer from. I was given your name and told you were probably the best one to ask.
Have a nice day, I apologise for the email out of the blue.
Danielle."
I also found out later that my son's girlfriend had a comment on her Facebook account about H being a serial cheater. This time from a different but regularly used name. The first thing I did when I read the email was look at the address. It was from DanielleSydney83@protonmail.com. I looked up Proton Mail because I have never heard of it. It is based in Switzerland and is known for it's difficulty in tracking. I find that the more this person contacts us, the more info they give us about who they are. I might have mentioned that the stalkers arrogant best friend is an IT guru and I might have mentioned that we actually think he's gone a bit rogue on his friend (C) (the one who actually had a problem with H). Greg has seen 'C' a few times over the last few months and his impression is that 'C' is just desperate to be a cool kid and be liked and spends hours talking about his exploits with his IT guru friend (who is stupid rich). He is too much of a puppy to be this evil but probably too much of a puppy to tell his friend to stop. I obviously asked H if he knows any Danielle's and he said no and then added "because I have been in Sydney so much lately to have spoken to this Danielle, they would have been better of making their email address from here". H hasn't been in Syd since Nov last year.
Unfortunately H was really upset about this yesterday because I also filled him in on S's girlfriends Facebook post and another one that I hadn't mentioned from about a month ago. A fews beers in and he starts talking aggressively about finding this guy and telling him he knows who he is etc. I remain staunchly committed to not engaging at all. I didn't respond to my email because I don't want him/her to think that they have finally hit the jackpot on a way to get to us. I do understand H's anger and got pretty angry with him myself about losing him to this situation after all we have been through.
A little while later, because I can't stand the emotional gap, I check the phone records and he's tried to contact ow again. I think she must have blocked him because the calls are about 2 seconds in length. Gutted. He had actually called her the previous evening when I had another fight with him over the phone about a car park pass. I had just arrived home in our state and left H interstate for another 2 nights. We are both a bit mopey about that and I am on the phone to him as I am trying to get out of the staff car park. They have removed number plate recognition and H has the back up access card. I am talking on the speaker to the car park dude who is this snippy sounding guy who is treating me like I am stealing a car and not verifying H's employment like he should. H can hear all this through my AirPods and starts losing his $h!te. I am ignoring his instructions because I am trying to get out of the car park ($126 later) and then I pull over after and get stuck into him for yelling in my ear while I am trying to talk to someone. He was also 3/4 drunk then too
. More emotional gaps. The attempts to call ow happened straight after that.
I was busy for the rest of the evening but H sent a photo video through mid evening with a text "I like this x". The little video is mostly photo's of him and his people - including lots with me. A few of them were taken when we weren't together and no doubt got sent to ow. I was pretty triggered but left it. When I called to say good night, I asked him if he'd been taking a trip down memory lane and he said no, it was something that popped up on his phone. He said he knew it was a bit "raw" but focused on the fact that we made it through and are all together with lots to look forward to. He told me that he had smashed out an hour in the gym (and stopped drinking). He was completely sober by the time I spoke to him. I woulda bet money on the fact that H would have just kept drinking. Nice to see some healthy coping skills being used eventually but noting that the visceral auto reaction to call ow was first. I actually think he would have $h!te himself if she had answered.
So back to last night, when I have just looked at the phone records and am still feeling the gap from our argument over the stalker. I decide in my brilliance and newly returned non-tolerance for emotional gaps, to react and not respond. I ring H and spout some cryptic $h!tee about feeling wobbly and worrying that he will become destructive. He is in a cab on the way to the pub. He assures me that he is not going anywhere and is at a loss as to how else to comfort me. He's not over the earlier conversation either and is trying to retreat. I push, he starts putting walls up. He then says "while we are being honest, I don't like how everything has to be your way". (Except for the last 4 years buddy!!).
Anyway, I actually said it was good to hear that and I wanted to hear about it any time he felt like that. His preference is not to mention things because he actually assumes I am right and he's wrong until it all bubbles inside and he reacts with seismic actions instead of words. So the words are a new thing and will be encouraged. That part of the conversation could have gone badly though because you can imagine how it felt to hear everything goes my way? Lordy Lordy Lordy!! I think he only had 1 beer at the pub he was on his way to before he caught a tram back and was watching TV in his room by 8pm.
I swear I only post here when there is chaos around and I am trying to process. These things often feel like a kick in the back - pushing us forward. We actually had quite a few conversations about ow etc while he was away. Seeing that guy, seeing that search with ow's name and just being away seemed like fertile ground for it. I asked H what he'd told ow about why we broke up - other than the fact that I had caught him out messaging her. He said that she never really prodded about that (not surprised) and that he would have deflected with something like "we've been broken for ages". I actually said "well you weren't really wrong there, I don't think we'd really healed from ow1". I also said that given he has been low-key unhappy for so long, he has done well to not totally firetruck this up. He certainly doesn't get 5 stars but I did give an encouragement award
H said again that he wants me to go on a trip to 'W'. This is the other place he goes to a fair bit normally; ow's sister works at the airport and a lot of her family live there. He understands the statement that would make but is not doing it to make the statement. He said he wants memories of me there and wants the mystery of the place removed for me. Given the rollercoaster ride of the last week, I am thinking it would be wise to hold off on that for a bit!!
He returns today for the weekend and then goes away again next week to 'W' for the first time since Nov. We are both aware of it and the timing might be a little off but we both also understand that life goes on and things must be faced. I really need to continue to step away from the processor. If I step in too early, I catch him mid firetruck-up and miss the part where he cleans it up by himself. That is definitely happening more and more. You definitely can get lulled into a false sense of security though when the relationship is mostly normal and lovely. There is much work yet to be done by both of us.
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New chapter please