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Author Topic: My Story New chapter please

h
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My Story New chapter please
#70: June 10, 2020, 11:45:40 PM
Oh Roo, I am so sorry you've been hit by another blow.  I can completely relate to how you feel.  I know that you will settle and find your way forward again - and probably in record time (due to practice).

They do say that it's darkest before the dawn but we also have no way of knowing if this will just never end.  Bigger moves always feel the most enticing on days like these but give yourself a chance to take a breath and straighten your shoulders.

Not surprised to see that you all agree that it was likely ow.  We got a few more details about the call.  Apparently the caller said that H is really depressed and has had several conversations about flying his plane into a hill.  Really?  Who has several conversations about that?  H has only been to that State twice since March so he has offered the names of every person he had contact with while there.  Due to COVID, its a pretty short list.  If the call was made from another state (ie ours) it just supports the theory that it's vindictive and aimed at diverting suspicion because otherwise, why wouldn't you call the local authorities.

H also gave my name to the medical officer and she called me yesterday.  I think she felt quite comfortable with my assessment.  I have training in mental health first aid and first hand experience of a person who committed suicide.  I was very comfortable having that conversation with her - its a language I understand and she said I was definitely a mitigating factor.  H is stood down until he passes a medical next week and the company are being very good about it.  Everyone knows it is a vexatious claim.

H is angry and wholeheartedly believes that there is no one (besides a guy from years ago) that he has upset enough to do this.  The elephant is still there but I suppose it doesn't really matter in the long run.  Doesn't change my actions.

Gotta go, be back later
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BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved home again March 2020
Moved out July 2017
D20, D18 and S16

9
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New chapter please
#71: June 11, 2020, 05:58:30 AM
Thanks Hope,

I didn’t mean to highjack your thread with my problems!  Maybe it can help someone else who is in the same stage as we are.  Limbo.

I have to say besides BD this is one of the darkest places I’ve seen my H.  He has gone into complete shutdown and is manic about his company.  I’m hearing from more and more people about how he is forgetting everything, is snappy and rude.  It’s not the same boss they used to love, he is not the same H I used to love. 

He is traveling and sent me a text last night that said “Don’t give up on me”. I just responded “Please fix yourself and don’t give up on yourself”. He responded with an angry “you need fixing too”.  I just said “I intend to fix myself, you’re right”.  He responded with more anger until I just stopped. 

Is this darkest before the dawn?  Who knows.  I am standing up a little straighter this morning and starting The work to “fix myself” again.  All of my kids are on their way home and we have a beach house for the weekend.  Who knows if my H remembered or if he will even go.  At this point, I don’t care.

Reconnecting is not for the faint of heart for sure.  Big changes are coming my way, I feel it.  Big changes need to come my way.  My old marriage is completely dead.  Wonder if something new will take its place.  I know that I can’t be the only one who wants a new marriage.  Hope my H can fix himself before all those who love him give up on him. 

Again, sorry for highjacking!  Off to plan a great weekend!
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Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

h
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New chapter please
#72: June 23, 2020, 12:00:44 AM
Just thought I would post a little update although there isn't much to report thankfully.

H's investigation is now closed although it did go on a little longer than first thought.  The CASA side of it was shut down very quickly with H declared a victim of a vexatious claim.  He didn't need to go for the blood test or any other medical consults.  He did a couple of "check flights" to prove his mental health and he is back on deck this week - unfortunately back to ow's neck of the woods.

When this came through on his roster about 10 days ago, it prompted a 'where are you now' conversation.  Contact has fizzled out and H no longer has her number.  He offered to block her email and I said that would be good but I am not sure if he has.  I wish he did have her number so he could block it but apparently he doesn't and I think I believe him.  He offered to call in sick for this week but given the kerfuffle lately, that wouldn't be a good idea. 

Overall it was a good conversation which felt honest and more like we were talking about an addiction that he needs to manage rather than a person.  I asked him to plan for the weak moments because they are likely to happen.  I have sensed a slight increase of weight on his shoulders over the last few days as this trip approached.  As I type, he is driving to her home town from the town she used to live in (not sure which one she is in right now).  The last time he did this was with her.  He would normally fly but flights were booked so he has to do a 5 hour drive.

I am choosing to let it go and focus on the last couple of weeks which have been really solid.  The CASA $h!te fight was a bit of a blessing in the end because he was really distracted from thoughts of ow and also at home for 8 nights more than he would have otherwise been.  I honestly felt no vibe or presence of her whatsoever.  I haven't checked the phone bill because I haven't felt like I needed to at all. 

We have really enjoyed our time together and it has been a bit productive too.  I have been wanting to refurbish the bedroom furniture that H had at his place because I like it better than the one we had.  I never got round to it and it was just causing a mess so H suggested we sell the lot and start again.  I put it all up for sale and the furniture we are sleeping on sold within 24 hours.  We are now sleeping on a mattress on the floor for 6 weeks until our new furniture arrives.  I suggested that this might be a good opportunity to re-paint and re-carpet and H initially completely rejected the idea because he couldn't deal with even more mess.  Within 24 hours he had come around and within 72 hours, it was done.  These little acts of service seem to really help him settle down a bit and have been a feature of both returns.

Anyhoo, the monkeys are here for a bit this week but I will manage them and focus forward.  Hoping to have a bit more H free time this week to check in on some of my forum friends too  :-*
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BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved home again March 2020
Moved out July 2017
D20, D18 and S16

M
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Re: New chapter please
#73: June 23, 2020, 01:38:31 AM
Hope, I'm so glad your H has gotten through this nasty episode at work and that during that time you have both grown closer. Love the sound of a completely new bedroom for both of you. Even love the idea of camping out on a mattress on the floor for a few weeks! A little like being students.

You have been amazing and so patient through all this. I find it really interesting that your H is feeling heavier now that he has to face going back to OW territory. I think this is a good sign. I remember my H's all smily to himself the nights before he was due to go to OW city, although I didn't know about OW at the time.  In hind sight, it was grotesque. Glad that for your H going to OW town now is not a thing to look forward to. I wouldn't be surprised that even though your H doesn't think OW sent the anonymous tip, the bug is in his ear. Good if he finally starts seeing her for what she is.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

h
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New chapter please
#74: June 30, 2020, 09:20:11 PM
And wouldn't you know it...I spoke too soon.

The monkeys got real loud when H decided last Tues night that he would catch up with friends at the local hotel for a few beers.  He would know this is a trigger for me because he knows that drinking in enemy territory is an arsehole thing to do.  I tried to stay calm and think I managed.  He sent me a snapchat photo of the guys which I appreciated.

Night 2 and he is going out again.  Real weird vibe from him this time though.  He ended up having 1 beer and then going back to his room to drink.  Called me at about 10pm to say goodnight and sounded flat.  Was ow there?   I don't know if she was even in that town (W) or if she's found a place in the other town (S).  Interestingly, the next night was H's choice because he had to drive from W to S to catch his flight home and could have done that at night or in the morning.  If he was seeing her, it would make sense that he would choose the town that she was in.  He chose neither and stayed the night at a friends house in between.

The weird vibe sent me to the phone records and I was shocked to find that contact continues pretty frequently.  It looks like it had a short break and started up again the afternoon of the anonymous tip off.  It didn't happen on the weekends or from home which is probably why I didn't sense it.  What shocked me was that I hadn't sensed it at all.  That really rocked me for a few days.  It looks like texts only as there are no calls or emails showing up and they normally would.  Could mean that he has another way of contacting her.

We then spent the weekend with his parents so it was a bit difficult to get a good read in a different environment.  I would probably describe him as a bit withdrawn but it could have been the circumstances too.  He is away again this week having promised himself a 6 week challenge starting Monday.  No such luck - a social, arm-twisty, kinda crew saw to that.  Day 1 starts today and he has committed to Dry July.  Last year he got 4 days in.  I honestly don't know if he will make it that far this time.  He is smoking cigars most of the time while he is drinking now too.

On the whole, he is in struggle town and trying hard to hide it.  So am I.  Evermore has been helping me keep my cool and I have been more focused on self care and 'zooming out' of the situation.  I found the 'Healing broken trust' podcast very helpful yesterday in helping me step back and leave this to H to manage.  It is testing my resolve to not intervene and to leave this to him to sort out.  Believe me, I have run many conversations in my head about how I notice his withdrawal and that I sense it is because ow is still around and that I won't tolerate that for much longer. 

Truth is,  I don't really know what is the chicken and what is the egg in this scenario but they all seem to sit in the same addictive basket. I have been as cool as a cucumber about the drinking and smoking which leaves him no one to fight with except himself.  I think this approach is right for ow too.  After 3 years we know she is a side piece at best.  Her recent behaviour has also confirmed that her new stronger, post U.K move, image of honourable woman who will not make the same mistakes of the past and values honesty above all else is bull$h!te.   In the long run, she would have remained a lot more attractive if she'd matched her words with her actions (which was soooo important to her) because now she is going to lose what little respect she has from H.

It occurred to me the other day that she has never really received love from him because his love languages are Acts of Service and Time.  She never really got the time which was one of her chief complaints.  If you're not having the time, you're not getting much of an opportunity for the Acts of Service either.  She definitely serves a purpose although I am not sure what that is other than being a human form of beer.  I imagine that time will see her starting to sneak some requests/demands in there so I shall step aside and just let that whole thing combust on its own.  Way easier said than done though :(

I never posted the email she sent to H on here but I will, so you can all see how sensible and honourable these chicks can seem.

Good morning to you,
I need you to be honest to me and to H&F, as from the moment we kissed Thursday, afternoon we were doing the wrong thing and I am not placing myself back in that position again. It's what you do right now that will allow us to build our foundation with strength, to enter into this relationship honorably and this is most important to me.  It's your actions now that will illustrate to me you have changed, you have learnt from past mistakes and it will prove to me you now mean what you say.  Your actions are more important and hold more meaning than they ever have before.  I mean it when I say I am not getting involved (H's name), I am not walking our same errors and I know you don't want to either. I don't have to see you in W, I can keep my distance.  I don't want to but right now its for the best.

I'm sorry I've come back and am making life messy.  Turn your back on me and I will understand, I know you are doing it to protect your family. For you I want nothing but peace and happiness and I truly mean that.  I am always going to be here, I love you, I always will.  Do the right thing from this moment onward, for yourself more than anyone else xoxox


That was over 6 weeks ago so yeah, I think we can call that email a fail  ::)
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BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved home again March 2020
Moved out July 2017
D20, D18 and S16

E
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New chapter please
#75: July 01, 2020, 01:04:38 AM
You’re so strong H&F. It’s a really crappy situation but I think you’re working your way through it in such a strong calm way (I know you’re not always so clam! But I admire how you can pull yourself back together so quickly and so well).

Thank you for listening to me today and for ‘being there’. It’s invaluable. Xx
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M: 50 (48 @ BD)
H: 53 (51 @ BD)
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 21 (19 @ BD)
D: 19 (17 @ BD)
'Extra D': 19 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45, now 47) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her. Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her.

G
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New chapter please
#76: July 01, 2020, 09:53:33 AM
Can’t describe how disappointing it is to read the latest revelation regarding OW contact.  Your right, HF, it’s all part and parcel with the addiction basket.  The OW contacts authorities, has your husband undergo evaluation, he calls her to confront (I assume), manipulative drama starts all over again.  Ridiculous.  Childish.  I honestly beginning to think that these MLCers never recover.  EVER.  Even the ones trying, like your’s, KIT’s, Roo’s, Song and Dance are a few that come to mind that are trying to reconnect.  I think I’ve lost all faith in the recovery of these men.  We as spouses are strong as hell.  That’s probably why our husbands were drawn to us in the first place.  And these broken men mirrored us and our strength because they didn’t have their own.  We all have to do what’s best for us bc they sure as hell aren’t looking out for our best interests, are they?  Just sending you virtual hugs and encouraging you to channel that strength to look after your first.  Put your own oxygen mask on!!!
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