Author Topic: My Story Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis  (Read 428 times)

Offline M47W43Topic starterTopic starter

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My Story Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis
« on: December 02, 2019, 01:10:32 PM »
Hi All,

First, my stats:
M: 47
W: 43
S 18, S11
T: 25 years
M: 20 years
Bomb drop: 7/3/19
Trial separation since 7/26/19

I have been with W since 1994. Married since 1999. We have two great kids, and all the usual great memories of your average American middle class couple/family.

W was stomping around angry in early July and I said. "Let's get out of the house and talk about what's bothering you." She proceeded to give me the ILYBINILWY speech. "I've changed." "I've felt this way for a while." "I don't know what I want." "I don't feel any connection." Classic MLC jargon.

Over last 18-20 months, I've seen her get a new car, 2 new tattoos, get a whole new group of friends who she met at her new gym in her hometown. Oldest child graduated high school in June and headed off to college at end of August. She has been staying with one of her friends (female) from the gym since late July. She runs a daycare out of our house, so I do see her most days during the week. Kids aren't aware of exactly what's going on, as she leaves after S11 goes to bed and is here in the morning before S11 wakes up, most days.

What was our marriage like? What were our issues? Pretty typical I'd say. Inconsistent communication. Focused too much on the kids. Less time in the bedroom as the years wore on. Basically grew apart as time passed.

Since BD, I have lost 45 lbs., been working out regularly, going out on my own much more. Generally trying to be open and friendly with no R talk when I see her. There is zero physical contact at all since August. Aside from that, an outsider wouldn't think anything was up if he saw us interact.   

We did 3 sessions of MC, but she was just looking to have her decision to D verified for her. At our final MC session, I turned to her and said, "I'm letting you go. You have said repeatedly that are not and can not be happy in this marriage, and I want you to be happy. You need to move on." MC told me afterwards that W had a shocked look on her face when I said that. Wife is also still in IC (pro-divorce female therapist).

We have had 2 brief, amicable talks about custody and the house. For someone who says she needs to dump me to be happy, she sure isn't moving too quickly. I am not going to do the heavy lifting here, no matter how much I want to be done with limbo. Lastly, while it's unproven, yes, I'm assuming there is an OM in the picture.

How should I proceed? Tough love? Friendly roommate? Impossible to tell what she's thinking in her crazy MLC mind.

Feedback welcomed!





 




 







Online Standing Strong

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Re: Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis
« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2019, 01:21:52 PM »
Hey M&W,

Sound like you're doing really good. Calm, not in a panic...... so you've gotten thru all that. Very good.

Since she's moved out already, yeah.... not too much to see eh?

Has she leveled out, or still descending?

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline M47W43Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis
« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2019, 01:28:16 PM »
Hi SS,

I'd say she's certainly closer to leveled out than still descending. Things have moved along and maybe she is squarely stuck on which way to go now? At times, I feel like it has to end to create a loss for her to have to endure. IDK.

Online Standing Strong

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Re: Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis
« Reply #3 on: December 02, 2019, 02:05:21 PM »
Hey M&W,

Leveling out is good.... so how does she treat you right now? Is she hard in avoidance still? Or are you furniture (a set piece) at the moment?
Does she engage at all? Is your presence something she can't handle or finds uncomfortable?

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline M47W43Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis
« Reply #4 on: December 02, 2019, 02:44:17 PM »
SS,

The times we are together, we make friendly small talk. Less avoidance than right after BD, though she's not looking to hang out. I guess I'd say I'm a piece of furniture that she speaks to when she's around. Everything is friendly, never any yelling, etc. "Please." Thank you." etc. I think her (likely) EA is running its course (it could even be with her girlfriend. IDK). I've made dramatic changes with the weight loss and Lasik eye surgery. I definitely look and act better and more confident. Outside chance she's noticed I suppose.

Online Whyus

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Re: Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis
« Reply #5 on: December 02, 2019, 11:26:54 PM »
Hi M,
im sorry that you find yourself here.
Im not kidding you, that sounds all too familiar with me. Its like i was reading my first thread. My XW was also 43 (as was I), Gym, new younger Friends etc. I actually asked her if she was having a PA with a younger GF who used to chill at our house sometimes. they were like glue, turned out that she was cover for a Young Milfhunter at the Gym. "Im going to TGFs for a while"  :-\
I first started posted a couple of weeks after BD, a week or 2 later I discovered OM and ABD (Atomic Bomb Drop). That was the day I asked her to leave for a while and think About what she wants. She didnt come back.

There is a Chance that there is no OM on the Scene but if you prepare yourself for the worst then it is easier to manage. This is probably the worst experience you will ever experience so prepare yourself. Its all About you and the Kids now you seem to be doing everything Right... Keep Posting and reading the other threads.


Look after YOUrself, eat, Sleep, breath and plod on for now. The essentiales first…
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Thunder

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Re: Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis
« Reply #6 on: December 03, 2019, 03:36:50 AM »
Hi M and welcome.

This site is a good place to be, you will not feel so alone.  People in the real world will find it hard to believe.  Most people think of a midlife crisis as a joke, but we know better.

You sure sound like you're handling things really well.  Letting them go do what their going to do is very sensible.  You can't stop them anyway.

Working on yourself is the best thing to do, it helps you detach from what she is doing.
At least you're not dealing with the Monster type MLCer.  Some can be really awful.
As long as you two stay in friendly, parent contact that is the best for the kids.
She is not your friend right now, but co-parenting has to happen, may as well do it in a friendly manner.

I'm sorry you are going through this, M.  It's not easy, but we're all here for you.

Take good care of yourself.  Post when ever you need to, someone's always around.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline M47W43Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis
« Reply #7 on: December 03, 2019, 06:21:17 AM »
Appreciate all the responses. It's very helpful!

What are everyone's thoughts on bringing up and gently pushing D discussions? She hasn't really brought it up in any tangible way, but I think she's waiting for me to do it. I think she needs to feel the loss and see the kids have to deal with this mess before she can emerge from the tunnel. I will be okay, despite inconveniences this would bring. Almost like ripping the band aid off to start the long healing process. I just don't see many other options right now. 

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis
« Reply #8 on: December 03, 2019, 06:53:43 AM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Online Helpingme!

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Re: Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis
« Reply #9 on: December 03, 2019, 07:30:34 AM »
M47
I wouldn't bring it up or discuss D. My W talked it at first, but my advice I got was to not talk about it. Let it die down.
That's what I did. 
I also hid it all from my Kids and everyone else.
My thinking was one day when my W woke up there would be too much pain for her to handle and I definetly wasn't going to let her throw up in my face that I caused her any pain. I had heard enough of that monstering BS.

This is just my opinion M47. The way I've handled things are not the majority choice. I just let her be. Let her live her little fantasy life and went on with mine.
That's just my story with my MLCer. Just ONE example of many.
I don't think helping them see the damage and change. Until they can see the damage themselves, we can't help them either way my friend. For the better or the worse.

 

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