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Author Topic: My Story Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis

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My Story Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis
#130: September 09, 2020, 11:04:02 AM
M47

I had exactly the same last week when my S11 started 'big' school.  I acted, as always, in the best interests of my kids and decided that it made little difference to me if she came, but that it may be nice for S11, so I let STBXW see him the night before, although this was during 'my half of the week'.  I had no interaction with her, just let her spend time with S11 and said goodbye when she left of her own accord.

Although it was difficult for me, my S11 appreciated it and I felt that it was the right thing to do.

Just my opinion.

much Love

LW
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M
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Update

I moved last month to an apartment with S19 and S11. So far, so good on that. We are closing on the sale of our marital home today (fingers crossed), so another link broken. We are in the process of scheduling what will likely be our final mediation session.

W texted this morning and said she wanted to talk to the kids about "a few things" but wanted to talk to me first. I responded saying that's fine, and asked what she had in mind. She said she was going into work and would text me later. She indicated it would be about "new people in her life." No surprise here, but any and all advice on how to handle this is appreciated.

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That will be the (surprise) OM then..... ::)

Say little. Agree to nothing she asks/proposes re the kids until you have had time to think about it. Keep it as brief as possible. Stay calm, hear her say what she wants to say and then walk away mentally discarding ant blame or BS bits.  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

M
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So W wants to come over to my place Sunday for birthday cake for S11. I'm inclined to set a boundary and tell her she can pick him up and spend time with him, but we are not faking the "happy family" thing. Thoughts and advice appreciated.
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b
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Hi M47 .. quietly following along .

Quote
So W wants to come over to my place Sunday for birthday cake for S11. I'm inclined to set a boundary and tell her she can pick him up and spend time with him, but we are not faking the "happy family" thing. Thoughts and advice appreciated.
.

I agree 1000 %.   I would NOT play or even attempt to play the " happy family" ..ever .  She can PU your son and celebrate his birthday  with him , just the 2 of them .  This would be a direct consequence of her choices and actions ..there is no longer a "happy family" ... and NO cake either .  Just sayin.
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

5
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Hello M47,
our BD was close mine was 5/19.  I am following your story and and your strength. I wish you the very best.

5hil
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Hello,

Quote
So W wants to come over to my place Sunday for birthday cake for S11. I'm inclined to set a boundary and tell her she can pick him up and spend time with him, but we are not faking the "happy family" thing. Thoughts and advice appreciated.

I agree with this 100%. My ex wanted me to come up for Christmas to spend time as a family on a trip. I politely declined. Not to punish her, but to protect my own feelings. I knew I would be miserable the whole time because it was fake. The children would know it was fake and it wouldn't be a family event because the family is no more. This goes beyond a boundary; it is reality.

I hope this helps and ((((Hugs)))

Ready

PS- I also second Barbiedoll- No cake either. Maybe a stale doughnut. Just sayin

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« Last Edit: October 17, 2020, 07:52:25 AM by readytofixmyselffirst »
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

M
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Thanks everyone for the feedback/comments. It's incredibly helpful!

We communicated via text this morning and when she asked to come over, I told her she was welcomed to pick up S11 and spend time with him, but I didn't feel it was appropriate to have her in my house to have cake. She replied asking why it wasn't appropriate (she is in a full-blown PA and D is not yet final, mind you), and added some jive about having to "raise the boys together and we would need to be in the same room at the same time either at my house or her house" etc. I didn't take the bait, but rather asked her what time she planned on picking up S11. She kept pushing and I told her I wasn't going to have further discussion on this topic via text, and that ended it.

Off to play some golf and pick up gift for S11! 
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Hello,

Quote
and added some jive about having to "raise the boys together and we would need to be in the same room at the same time either at my house or her house" etc.

You are not raising them together because you are not together. Being in the same room is not the same as celebrating as if you are a family. I also agree that you are both too early in the crisis to be trying to pull this off as a "family".  She can press all she wants, but it's your house and your rules. In fact, the more she pushed the issue, it seemed more about her than your son and no respect for you at all.

Enjoy the afternoon and get a nice gift,

(((((Ready)))))
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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

T
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Told her she was welcomed to pick up S11 and spend time with him, but I didn't feel it was appropriate to have her in my house to have cake.
You're a lot nicer than I would have been.

This is how it's done.

You'll need to do a lot more of it and you never need to give her an explanation.

When my wife was off having her MLC I told her we would never speak again if we divorced and she knew I meant every word.
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Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS ( 10 ), DD ( 9 ) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS (3)
MLC lasted 6-7 years

 

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