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Author Topic: My Story Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis

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Yup M47, that's sounds right on the money...... all normal to everyone, except you.

Really a rotten feeling isn't it?

They put in all that effort to look normal, and the whole while it is so unnatural, uncomfortable and not fun for them (it is quite the show).

Hang in there man, and try not to think about what they could be doing. Yeah that's the hard part, but we fill in all kinds of terrible things which simply don't happen... so don't torment yourself over nothing.
Those moments when you want to quit will come, and if you hang on..... they will also go.

-SS
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W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

M
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SS,

Thanks for the reply. I guess I’m wondering why bother to stand when as best as I can tell, most of the situations like mine seem to end up with the W filing for D at some point anyway? Why not make the best possible custody/financial deal right now while she wants out and might be willing to give up more in order to fully flee to her fantasy life? She needs to feel the loss. Right now, she’s enjoying the best of both world’s and is cake eating big time.
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And that is a legitimate choice, M47.
Particularly when divorce has already been discussed and if you think your w will give you a better deal on some things.
However....
Lots of emotion around at this time of year so a good time to not react to events
Even if your w says she wants the divorce, most MLCers drag their feet on paperwork so you will probably have to drive it through if you want it done quickly.
What your w says right now about anything much can change from a Tuesday to a Wednesday and as reality bites she may start getting nastier about things like custody.

Imho divorce is a serious decision for anyone.
And it matters that whatever decision you make is one that you can be at peace with.
Have you taken L advice already? If not, that may be a useful first step, just to gather more information.
If you have, breathe, consider your options and take your time. Jmo..

If you are trying to game the odds?
Well, if your wife is in MLC things will usually get worse before they get better and it takes years. You are six months into this with a 20 year marriage and kids.  And MLC trumps divorce, so your w's behaviour will not magically improve once she gets the divorce she says she wants. Nor does divorce mean that future reconciliation is impossible of course.
I suspect a small majority here end up divorced. Others live separated for years without legal divorce. A minority have MLCers who stay as live ins and might mutter divorce but don't do it. None of these are great options though and they all bring different challenges.
Deciding to stand without a divorce, though one or indeed after one is an intensely personal choice about you, what you believe is going on with your w and some of the practicalities of life including what is best for your kids.
It's complicated
So take your time and choose what you think is your best approach for you.
Meanwhile I'd suggest that if you think you might not want a divorce and don't want to be the one that files, stop discussing it with your w. She is free to do as she sees fit but it isn't your job to solve the problem for her.
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« Last Edit: December 25, 2019, 10:37:04 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

M
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Update

We spoke on Christmas and it’s clear to me that it’s over. W spewed all the usual MLC jargon. “You can’t re-fall in love with someone” “There is nothing here between us”’ “ I don’t feel any connection” “25 years. We had a good run.” I validated her statements and told her that I was letting her go. “If you want to be with someone else, you can go. I’m no longer fighting for you.”

I then said that we should get together and discuss splitting everything up so we can file and get a mediator. It’s best to have everything agreed upon in advance to expedite the D process. I am okay with this path, as I feel there is zero chance of R without some loss being felt by W. She has the best of both worlds at the moment, and if one of those worlds is lost, perhaps things will change.

And to be clear, I am not going down this path to try and snap her out of it. I am going down this path as a matter of self respect and in the interests of myself and my children. W’s actions and choices are simply unacceptable, and I will not continue to be disrespected. I will continue to focus on myself and my kids,  which has been very helpful to me. She can do what she wants to do and sort herself out on her own. Sad day, but I also feel it’s a necessary day. Onward.
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m
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M47W43: I am so sorry you are at this point and yours and your children’s life has been so impacted by this. But it sounds like you are making a very non reactive and self caring decision here. As you say as long as it is for you and your kids and not trying to impact what is going on with your wife that is a very valid thing. Also no matter what if you get a fair settlement now you will probably do better as time goes on, as there are tons of stories of MLCers willing to do anything to get away initially only to get more and more unreasonable as they sink further and further into crises.

And as many have said even if you finalize a divorce now and one day she does recover and you are both still somewhere where you want to reconcile nothing will stop you then. But right now you have to worry about RIGHT NOW and the years of turmoil she is facing.
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M
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Discussions regarding D have begun in earnest. W is also now telling people we are getting D. I’m just navigating the process and trying to get the best deal possible for me and my kids. I feel stuck between looking forward to the future and trying to not push forward the D too hastily. Natural feeling I suppose.
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m
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Right now maybe it’s best if you simply focus on one hour and one day at a time. Don’t rush anything as you said, and get a written legal settlement of finances if she is pushing in place. Then you can see how slow or fast things proceed.
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My suggestion to you is to make sure you get what is yours. Minimum half custody of the kids, full custody if it makes more sense. Approach  it to her as giving her more time to get settled in her new life. Mine was a spender. $20,000+ in one month. If you have a shared account, move your half of the money to a new account with only your name. Do not give up things unless you truly don't care about them or you have no choice. I hate to say it, but everything can be a bargaining chip and hard as it is, you must not lose sight of that while you are so vulnerable. She likely doesn't want the furnishings,etc, then will try to make out that you got everything. Make sure it's specific that you having to keep and/or get rid of everything is not a fair exchange for, say, your family heirlooms.

Good luck. I'm very sorry you are going through this.
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

M
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Venting:

W says I need to go to counseling (how ironic) so I can better deal with our sitch. (I have been going, but haven't told her). She is also in IC and is spinning a wonderful load of BS to her counselor (family and friends as well). She doesn't think blowing up a family is that big a deal, and for some reason thinks we will still be chummy when it's over. "We can put S11 in therapy." Doesn't view D as being a big deal. She views me as traditional/old fashioned and tries to make it seem like I'm the one who's out of touch for fighting to keep the family unit together, and she thinks we can still be a family after D.

For my part, I have no choice but to focus on getting the D over with ASAP. Meeting with people to prepare for mediation this week. On to new things in 2020!
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You might find it helpful M - if only for your sanity and blood pressure - to refuse to engage in these kinds of conversations at all. Her reality is hers; yours is yours. Maybe find a set of small phrases to shut the conversations down like 'well, we obviously see things differently' or 'I imagine we are both finding our own way to adapt and move forward' or 'we may have to accept that we have different POV right now' or 'I guess this is normal when people get divorced'. Or even the useful 'hmmm' or no response at all.

Which also means you starting to train yourself to a) not care much about what she thinks about anything much and b) give up trying to persuade her to see your perspective or care about anyone else's feelings or thoughts. Sorry. And yes, you probably do need to save your energy for dealing with the practicalities of divorce and supporting your daughter if divorce is on the table now. Much easier to do without the distraction of someone else's justifications or avoidance of realities that come with divorce imho. Less blah blah conversations with your w may help that bc it is exhausting to battle someone else's reality that still seems WTF to you after a long marriage and painful to realise that your w only cares about what she thinks and feels right now. Sorry.
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« Last Edit: December 30, 2019, 06:19:43 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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