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Author Topic: My Story Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis

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I doubt it's about getting a reaction...... they exist in a moment and the moment passes. Their perspective is not persistent.

It's probably on her list inside a specific "box" and only is remember when that "box" is active. She opens it..... the statements spill out, she makes plans and puts them in the box and then closes it. It could be weeks or months before the box is opened again.

You did good.

-SS
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W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

M
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Easter went just fine. W came over early in the morning, S19 and S11 received their Easter baskets. I made brunch and we ate together. After we finished, W thanked me for making brunch. I then left with the boys for a hike, and W left a little while later to go back to her friend "Stacey's" house, where she has been sleeping nightly since shortly after BD last July.

Lately, I see more and more MLC signs from W. The way she talks (more profanity), the way she's dressing. She has been talking more about her friend "Stacey" and has recently starting visiting her parents. She will tell something about one of the kids and then text it to me again the next day as if she hadn't told me already. She doesn't monster at me or the kids. I would say she appears to be "absent" even when she's around, if that makes any sense. This is about her and her issue(s). She has to be left alone to work through it.

Most importantly, for me, I continue to work out and self improve. Going to IC once a month, too. I treat her like a house guest when she's around, and I continue to detach. We retained a mediator in January, but the virus has closed family courts due to the virus where I live. As of last month, W had not sent any financial info to the mediator. I don't know where this will end up, but I know that I will be fine no matter what. I will remain focused on me and my kids, and keep taking it one day at a time.

Stay safe, everyone.

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Nice and slow M47,

Time is your friend.

Yes, the language, the dressing and the importance of a certain friend....... it's all "normal". The "record skipping" memory..... all "normal".

The good thing is she coming around and visiting. She is being drawn back. That is very good. Sounds like you're doing it right too..... getting better, staying busy. What you're doing does help her (it really does).

Keep going. You're doing good. If you can, try not to think about the mediator or court, or any of that. That part inside her is not split across her entire personality which is why the subject disappears. As she works on her problems, things which seem important to her have their hold lessen or sometimes even disappear as elements of the problem are dealt with. Hold on and run that clock. Stay strong, and keep getting better.

-SS
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W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

M
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Those you following are aware that W runs a daycare out of the house. With the virus situation, her numbers are down, as could be expected. So yesterday W texts me in the morning telling me she was considering just closing temporarily and filing for unemployment. Asked my opinion. I asked her if she was planning on reopening once the virus allowed her to do so. She said she was, assuming her clients would come back (most have already told her they would). Then texts this: "Some won't come back until the fall and who knows by then what our situation will be. Will the house be sold? (it's not even on the market at this time). If that's the case then I will have no job whatsoever."

To say she's confused seems like a huge understatement.
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HI M,

This si where I think you ned to let her figure this out all onher own. Don't offer any help even though it's in your nature to do so. I believe she needs to feel what this life without you is going to be like. Just listen to her be friendly as always and don't offer any suggestions.

Take care M God Bless
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Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

M
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Journaling

Just to summarize where we stand at the moment. W BD came 7/19. She has been sleeping at a "friend's house" every night since a few weeks after BD. She runs a biz out of the house where I live with S19 and S11, so I see her most days when she arrives to open the biz as I'm heading off to work.

W is adopted and I believe the trigger for all of this happened about 3 years ago when she found out she had 3 half-siblings that she was previously unaware of, and was dissuaded from contacting them by her birth mother. She also has no information about her birth father, and though she tracked down her birth mother when we started dating 25 years ago, they have no real relationship because birth mom has her own family and they are unaware of my W.

Around this same time frame, my W started posting things like "love yourself first" and the like on Facebook. She also went out and leased a new vehicle, got 2 tattoos, joined a gym and made a whole new group of friends. Looking back, it makes more "sense" now, but like most others, I just didn't see it at the time.

Since BD, I have been working on myself. I've lost 50 lbs, been working out, going to IC and really working connecting on a deeper level with my kids. We tried MC early after BD, and although the MC told us we were dealing with issues very similar to most people she deals with, W wasn't into putting in any effort to work on M.  I come from a large, nuclear family and we both have really focused on our family for most of our time together. I think this has unfortunately "invalidated" her background and experience and has led her to want a D in part as a way to "validate" her past, something she has been unable to do on her own.

We hired a mediator and selected a realtor in January. After initial visits with each (we retained the mediator), she has done very little to further the process along. I have done the minimum required of me with the mediator and realtor to date. So, we remain firmly in limbo.

Usually when she arrives in the morning, we chit chat about the kids' upcoming days or finances, or the weather etc. Today I decided to just sort of say "hi" (I never say anything first to her in the mornings), and to move right along. As I started to leave, she started talking about S11 and his school assignments etc. I responded and just left. She texts around 11 a.m. saying she will be getting Chinese food for boys for dinner and asked if I wanted any. I said "no thanks." I get home and her stuff in our bedroom is tidied up a bit, and it looks like most of the stuff was put into our closet. She never took most of her stuff out of the house, just carries one smallish bag with her back and forth.

I plan to continue to focus on myself and the boys, and I'm not sure where this is headed, or even where I want it to head. She is in MLC and must travel this road by herself. But it sure would be nice to get some sort of clarity for my own sake.

Thanks for listening. Stay safe all!

 

 

 
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M
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Wife in MLC
#76: May 03, 2020, 05:38:34 PM
Hope everyone was able to enjoy something this weekend!

I wanted to throw some stuff out for some feedback. First, W has been asking me about her business, which has obviously slowed down with the COVID-19 situation, She's been asking about applying for grants/loans, filing for unemployment, etc. Given that she has stated she wants a D and that we retained a mediator (not to mention that she fired me as her H), how should I go about answering any of these questions?

Secondly, I am certain W thinks (knows) that I would do almost anything to keep my family together. This means that she isn't concerned that I might move on and that she's comfortable in her feelings that I will be here when/if she ever decides that's what she wants. Any ideas on how to change this dynamic?

WMLC
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Let me ask, what dynamic are you trying to change?  If you will do anything to save your family, then she isn't wrong. Manipulation on your part is not the answer. What is your intention? Stand and wait on a shelf while she does what she desires? Stand and move your own life forward while she does what she desires? Stand, but lay some ground rules? Maybe stand, maybe not? Think about how you feel about it and what you want.

As to her asking you questions about this and that, you can answer them as you would for any friend, you can choose the road of telling her you don't feel comfortable giving advice when she no longer wants to be your spouse, you can just lay out her options and tell her she needs to choose for herself, you can recommend a course of action, but don't expect her to take it.  And if you give an opinion and she does take it, expect the blame for whatever goes wrong. If no blame happens,  bonus for you. :)

You can't fix her situation. If the house is gone due to her choices, that will be on her. Understand that when it finally comes to divorce, if she has no job, you will most likely be paying more spousal support if she no longer has a house to run her biz depending on the state.

All is JMO. Your mileage may vary.
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

M
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First, a big Happy Mother's Day to all the moms on this board. Hopefully you can enjoy yourselves tomorrow.

Looking for some advice. I know almost all of the advice and guidance is to not bring up D and all that entails to the MLCer. In my situation, however, time isn't on my side. I would like to get my S11 into a better school district, and it is likely he would live primarily with me post-D. I'd like to move before summer is out, ideally. Also, I am up for a promotion at work, but don't want any increases in pay until my sitch is settled.

Any tips for "showing your W you are moving on", without doing things that actually move the D forward? Or do I just move forward with mediation?
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Any tips for "showing your W you are moving on", without doing things that actually move the D forward? Or do I just move forward with mediation?

What you do or do not do will likely have minimum affect on her. What you can control is you.IMHO what matters is to learn to make best of what ever you choose, and learn to be grateful of what comes your way. Trying to predict years ahead is futile (think Covid happening), but think say next week or month. This is what many say, move slow...but yes, it too can reach its limits and there are special points in time when making moves is better (for example all my 3 in-house kids are changing schools next autumn).

I decided to move on and started D process last week when W gave three "wrong" answers (never going to fix this M, never going to to leave EA, never going to change). I acknowledge all these are her emotions and likely to change down the line, but basically I had the same two roads in front of me as ever before:

1) live in present as if everything she says is true and will not change, at least anytime soon.

2) take the gamble and wait. The sitch is very unlikely to change anytime soon.

Both options have somewhat equal number of emotional and practixal ups and downs, which is why we feel stuck and indecissive. I know this to be true as I did for many months a weekly plus/minus lists for pro-marriage and pro-divorce. Each week they landed with same number of items of equal value, though I changed contents and perspective time and again.That is the evil dynamic that keeps us indecissive.

So how and why I finally moved on...

One part of it was realization...If you keep on standing then the D paper or ring really matters not. They are just symbols, and can be rebuild later in life. So no reason to be afraid of D... If you want to move on with personal life, then being married or carrying a ring really matters not. Just look at MLCrs. What separates LBS and MLCr is integrity. We have values we believe. I think no LBS could think of actions that violate sanctity and security of family. And right  now your family equals you and kids, she has made the exit.

So if you are really accepting the above, you may get a new kind of perspective when you start making your next round of pro-marriage/pro-divorce list....The harsh reality is that we cannot live our lives in future, awaiting forever for others to change  And that is why we must move on regardless of our MLC spouses... If you want and believe new school district is for best of S11, then move. No D required for that unless it is about finances, in which case you can go ahead with D. if you were married, you would likely still go through the same talk, and end up with shared decision to move if it is for interest of your kid (but remember, what really matters is what S11 does himself. School/district is just the scene, but he is control of his life..all you can do is set the example how to walk the walk).

Alvin.

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« Last Edit: May 09, 2020, 09:54:53 PM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

 

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