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Author Topic: My Story Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis

m
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M47W43 I guess I am a little confused by the question. Sounds like both the promotion and potential move are short term events about to happen. What are you trying to achieve before these events?
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M
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Hi Marvin,

I guess I'm looking to move forward with my life, but still stand. Very complicated/risky when she can file for D at any point and I could lose quite a bit. Maybe I should push the mediation through and then still stand?I just don't know how to proceed.

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Hi M47,

I think (personally) that moving forward with what you want/need to do can be done without pushing the MLC-W...... if they want to be a part of something, they can jump in. Otherwise, they're just looking from the sidelines anyway.

What I think "naturally" happens is as you move forward, you become more attractive. That in itself can lead to MLC'ers re-examining their wants but more often they are just happy that you are "their's" and "reserved"...... but what really happens is that you become attractive to others, and those others become the threat to their "prize". It is almost inconceivable to them.... that YOU could be stolen away. I think this is a vital element in helping them snap out of it.

So how is this done? By moving forward and getting better. No need to look over your shoulder and see if their following, they'll make that know on their own. At the same token, there is no need to throw tomatoes at them showing what you're doing or how others are looking at you. They'll see that on their own (and it only matters if they see it on their own).

You're right that she can file at anytime, so there's no use in worrying about it. It'll happen or it won't, but it will slow you down if you dwell on it. If she files it can't be allowed to stop you, if she doesn't file it can't be allowed to stop you. So really, there is no choice but to move forward and do what you need to do. It is very freeing, and you can stand without any issue in this place no matter what she does.

Go forward, go forward, go FORWARD!!!!

-SS
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W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

F
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That is a tough place to be.  Do you push the divorce forward and accept it as inevitable because it’s best for your circumstances, or hold out hope risking your finances further and your son’s schooling? Obviously divorce does create another obstacle to reconciliation and in my view makes it less likely.

From my perspective only you can decide that.  I didn’t push our divorce when he wanted it and even did everything to slow it down.  That said, it was also to mine and the kids benefit to stay married.  If he doesn’t come home in the next 6 months and doesn’t pursue a d, I will file myself.  Which I really hope does not happen as I want my family together.  That said we’ve been separated since oct 2018 and I’m not waiting forever.  The kids and I are moving back to TX in a year and FL is far better if a d is happening.

If you pray, pray about it.  Obviously you want it to work out, it’s a tough choice. 
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« Last Edit: May 10, 2020, 03:18:07 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

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Hi Marvin,

I guess I'm looking to move forward with my life, but still stand. Very complicated/risky when she can file for D at any point and I could lose quite a bit. Maybe I should push the mediation through and then still stand?I just don't know how to proceed.

It sounds as if you are trying to assess risks vs benefits of moving forward. And perhaps that you are 'secretly' still hoping to influence your w a little? And maybe trying to assess what the impact of divorce vs standing really means to you, if they are linked or not? Which is normal.

Only you can assess the scale or significance of the risks. Based on what you said
Quote
I would like to get my S11 into a better school district, and it is likely he would live primarily with me post-D. I'd like to move before summer is out, ideally. Also, I am up for a promotion at work, but don't want any increases in pay until my sitch is settled.
, these sound like things you would like but you may be overestimating the risk of not getting them perhaps? Which is normal imho in a time of anxiety or uncertainty. The world probably won't end if your son is not in a better school district.....or if you move in the fall rather than summer....even if your income increases, that could have advantages as well as disadvantages from an objective POV.

So, what does 'lose a lot' actually mean? What would you lose that you have not already lost? What is at the heart of your fears? What are the things you simply cannot afford to lose vs things that you don't want to lose but could survive or work round? What would make standing while moving forward do-able for you, if that is what you want? What would you have to lose that would make standing unsustainable for you to do and have a decent life? We talk here often about the need for an LBS to protect themselves and their kids the best they can legally and financially. Every single one of us takes some loss and damage, but there is a personal sliding scale probably that needs to be approached more with the head than the heart. My best advice is to breathe, take your time and think honestly about the scale of risk and the things you fear most and the things you can control.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

M
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As far as updates go, Mother's Day went off just fine. W came over and I made brunch. We all ate together. The boys gave her a card with a gift card. After much inner debate with myself, I also gave W a very-basic card with a Starbucks gift card. I simply signed my name to the card, no other greetings, etc. After brunch, I went for a hike and W took the boys to see her mom and dad (they stayed in the car and chatted from a distance). She was here about 6 hours altogether. She thanked me several times while she was here and before she left.

We now both have Fridays off. She does come over for a few hours on Fridays, and I usually make my weekly run out to the stores to stock up on necessities for the house. I was out when she arrived today, and when i walked in she was fiddling underneath that bathroom sink (thinking there was a leak). As I arrived up the stairs she said, "My hands have been hurting lately, I have to get them checked out." She was trying to shut the water off under the sink. I squatted down and turned the valve off. She looked at me smiling and said, "I loosened it for you." I just cracked a smile and went about my business.

She hasn't brought up D or any other R related issues in quite some time. What I described above is the norm as far as how our interactions usually go. I know it means nothing, but quite the difference from 10 months ago right after BD when she couldn't even be anywhere near me and needed to take medication for her blood pressure and anxiety.

I would say I'm doing fairly well, all things considered. I work out regularly and have kept the weight off. I am on the cusp of a promotion at work, too. I have no idea where this will end up, but I am doing all I can to make sure I am in a better place, no matter what happens.
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That sounds great M47  :D

Just one step at a time. You did the right thing with a basic card and not making it weird or stressful for her.
She's testing the water one toe at a time, seeing if it's safe and looking to see what you're up to.

Very important that you do well and project strength. The better you do, the better she will do and want to try more.

Keep it up!!!

-SS
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W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

M
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Update

While communications have remained cordial, if not almost "normal," wife emailed mediator this morning saying she wanted to "move things along." At the very least, I feel as though I am heading for some closure/less of a limbo state. Onward! 
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m
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Sorry to hear in one sense, but as you said limbo is very hard. They are unpredictable and in being tied to them emotionally it makes moving forward oh so difficult. Keep in mind they mean what they say until they don’t.

I guess what I am saying is maybe it’s time for you to actively decide what you want, what you need. I think it’s possible to live your life and stand at the same time. Even to decide day by day where you are, but limbo is a very draining and stuck place to be.

Ask yourself what you want, maybe it’s better to be on an active footing rather than reactive?
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M
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Does anyone see any value in trying to ascertain more about W's sitch/plans before next mediation session? I'm talking about a quiet conversation about where she will live, with whom, etc. Or, just wait as these types of questions will likely necessarily be answered during the mediation process?
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