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Author Topic: My Story Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis

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Does anyone see any value in trying to ascertain more about W's sitch/plans before next mediation session? I'm talking about a quiet conversation about where she will live, with whom, etc. Or, just wait as these types of questions will likely necessarily be answered during the mediation process?

Based on your recent experience of her, how likely is she to tell you the truth? Or indeed have a plan?
What do you already know based on the observable facts you can see?
And tbh, maybe more importantly, what do you need to know and how would that change anything for you?

I suspect - and it is normal and understandable and most of us did it - that some bit of your brain still believes that the 'answer' to the pain of the uncertainty of it all can be resolved through some kind of conversation with your w? A kind of residual 'us' married bit of your brain perhaps. Which based on experience here is unlikely to be true. And tbh it metaphorically gives a kind of power to her and keeps you attached if what you feel or do is contingent on her 'sitch/plans'.
So, my only advice is to take a rule of 3 breather and think objectively about what you want to know, why, what you would do with that info and how reliable a source your w is now.
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« Last Edit: May 28, 2020, 11:34:32 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

M
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Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts
#91: June 09, 2020, 02:00:23 PM
Update

Had our first mediation session last Friday. Agreed to meet next on 6/26. W emailed mediator this morning (without CC'ing me) that she wanted to move it up if possible. Mediator  forwarded email to the both of us and we agreed to move it up a week. I suggested to W that we try and have a discussion before hand so we can answer mediator's questions about what each of us is looking for, plus let him know of anything we mutually agree on. She agreed, and we will discuss this coming Friday.

What spurred this on was she spent some money on clothes for S11 without discussing with me first, then asked me for half of the bill. I said I have no problem doing that, but that these sorts of transactions in the future will be guided by the agreement hammered out in mediation. She took that and emailed mediator saying we are "already having money issues." Quite the leap, in my opinion. She is likely having some issues with cash flow, I would guess.

After mediator email, she texted saying she knows that she will be "screwed" in the end and that she's "going to lose everything" in the end, but that's a consequence she has to accept. I texted back saying that I was sorry that she felt that way and that I know its not easy, and that it's a very difficult time for her right now. She texted back saying it's a "very difficult time" and that this is hard for her, too. Added that she wants to make this as "easy as possible, because she knows in the long run, she's going to the most hated person." Then said we can meet to discuss this Friday, etc.  She texted 90 minutes later saying she made a casserole for the boys, and she hopes they like it.     :-\

Looking for tips/advice/insight into what to say to W when we meet on Friday.

M47W43
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Typical MLC.  A pity party for her choices and trying to make you feel sorry for her.  Just try to keep your calm when you meet and be polite, while not giving her the farm...
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Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

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The worlds smallest violin playing "My Heart Pumps Purple Peanut Butter for Your Sorrows" during her pity party..... ::)
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
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Met with W in an effort to make mediation session next week more productive. I arrived after her, and was somewhat surprised that she had a coffee for me. Discussed the need to tell the kids about her decision to D before D papers are filed and prior to next mediation session, about which she is very nervous. I validated how I could see how she felt that way and also made it clear that it was her responsibility to let  them know her decision, even though we would be there addressing the kids at the same time.

She is starting to realize the financial implications of her decision. I did my best to validate her feelings. 'I know this is a difficult time for you' 'It sounds like you are feeling really anxious.' She is still iffy about where she will live (not saying I believe her, just replaying conversation for folks here), and is unsure of where she will work, etc. Agreed that house will be sold and we will split any equity. Also discussed briefly how we'd like to divvy up the marital debts.

Lasted about 45 minutes, at which point I summarized the conversation to her and ended the discussion. I was better than usual with eye contact and nodding when she spoke etc. When it ended, she asked if she could get anything for the boys at WalMart (I usually shop for the household on Fridays), and I said, "No, thank you. I'm heading there after I make a few other stops." As we were walking to the car she said, "Maybe I'll see you there." After which we went our separate ways.   
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W telling the kids about D this coming Thursday, we will be there together for this. When we last spoke, I asked what she was planning on saying to them, and she said she is going to tell them that "people and things change", and then she said she can't get any further than that in her mind because she starts getting "upset."

A few questions for the board. How do I react when she tells them and both kids (Iikely) and W start to cry? Do I ignore W? After all, she's fired me from the job of being her H. I might be tempted to say a few choice things to her if she turns to me for consolation (this is NOT my style, and would be a 180 for me, as it's an emotional time for everyone). Also likely the boys might not be too fond of her after she tells them she's divorcing me, at which point she will blame me for making her tell them. This has long been her M.O. during our R.

She says she doesn't want to hurt anyone and she knows that it's going to be traumatizing for them, yet she insists on doing it. MLC much?
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Be prepared for her saying this is a mutual decision and best for everyone. And do what feels correct to you, I don't believe it matters to the mlcer in the long run. If it were me and my spouse started to cry because "people and things change", I'd look at my hands and let them finish. Then have my own speech, something like, "I'm sorry kids. This is not what I want, and I doubt what you want to hear. What can I do to help you through this?"

Have your own speech prepared. Whatever it is. You don't have to use it if you don't want to, but it's good to have it in your pocket. I'm not about letting the mlcer say whatever they want with no input from the lbs (but I had no choice as my mlcer just told whatever lies he wanted and I had to explain that no, this was a complete surprise to me), but everyone needs to do what it is that works for them.

Good luck.
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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I'm with OR on this one.... This is HER choice, HER decision... Your kids need to know that, one way or the other, especially if (and when) she starts on the "mutual decision" nonsense.  My kids were WAY too little (D was 4 and S was 8) for a real discussion but I did say that this was NOT what I wanted after xW was done with her "mutual decision" speech and how "Mommy and Daddy had just grown apart." My answer was that there was nothing that could not have been solved with work and communication.....

Yes, your boys are probably NOT going to be happy with her but... well... hate to be so blunt but those are the consequences that she has to deal with resulting from the actions she has chosen to take..... Responsibility and accountability are real buzz-killers....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
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Been texting all morning with W about what she plans on telling the kids. She refuses to say this was her decision, and that I am trying to "blame her." She wants to present a united front blah blah blah. I told her this IS her decision. I am not asking her to take sole responsibility for the breakdown in the marriage, etc. I am only asking her to be truthful (God forbid) with her kids. I'm not going to die on this hill and we will figure it out, but it's maddening to deal with type of idiocy.
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Don't you love it?  You are trying to blame her.   :o  Well she was to blame for her actions and leaving you.
You don't need to take any blame for that.

Yes we are all responsible for problems in the marriage, and we all had them, but you don't blow up your family over it.  You try to work things out. 
It was her choice to leave, not yours.  I'm sorry but there is no "united front" here.  She just doesn't want to look like the bad guy, but guess what, she is.

Well just stay strong M47.  I hope it goes smoothly.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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