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Author Topic: My Story Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis

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  • MLCer Type: Vanisher
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If you´ve lost the weight due to exercise and diet changes, great. If you´ve lost the weight because you literally could not swallow food due to the loss of appetite due to the numbing shock of it, then self-care is a priority.

You cannot control the speed of her emotional journey. You have some input on the divorce process timing. If your state allows for a legal separation, that might be a workable option to protect you financially. Limbo sucks and takes an enormous toll on your mind, body and soul. The finality of divorce brings relief but then a long journey of healing awaits. Ain´t no way around going through the pain and healing. Since you seem to be in an eyes wide open scenario, what steps can you take to make this endurable for your son? You are in a bit of bind in that you reside in the house, but your wife is using it to make a living. Have you thought about how you will extract yourself from that? Your son likely knows that something is up. He may be carrying around more anxiety than necessary and may welcome a chance to ask you questions. You might reach out to his counselor at school and/or English teacher as kids often express a lot in their writing assignments.

So sorry that you are in this situation.
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me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

M
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Hey Forethetrees,

But for the first 2 weeks after BD, weight loss is due to diet and exercise.

As you point out, it's a tricky spot because W makes living at residence. She has effectively moved out, but is there M-F when S11 heads off to school and when he gets home. She leaves when I get home from work or after S11 goes to bed. Even if I tell her to fully move out, it will be confusing for S11.

This is why I asked earlier today if pushing the D along made any sense. She's got the best of 2 worlds now and little motivation to change any of that at the moment. With D settled, we could go our separate ways and explain it to our kids, etc. Other than that, it's a tight spot.

M
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W
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I personally wouldnt Mention D unless you really WANT a D. Maybe just because you have had enough, have financial Problems due to your MLCer or she is a physical threat to you.
You dont Need a D to inform the Kids, which should be done sooner than later but they will only Need to know "Enough"!. They will nedd to know tha you dont want the seperation and that ist on your W, that is for her to own. not your Problem.
If you are still Standing then mentioning D wont help you out. It will not wake her or sna her out of it. She will take it all in her stride, slowly probably and you will D. A really important piece of advice which im sure everybody will agree with it "we cannot nice them back"!. That doesnt work , i tried that one and failed  :D. She did say at one Point that im unbelievable because im still being so nice to her ...….. Puke, I was kissing her arse like a pathetic lost Boy  >:(


Hang in there
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Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

M
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Some random things I've been thinking of saying to W if the opportunity presented itself. This would be to counter her having the best of both worlds currently. This would only happen if she brought up R. Would love feedback!

"You have made it clear you no longer want to be a part of this family. Regardless of what I think, you need to move on. I'm letting you go, and I am moving on."

"You have made choices, and you have to live with the consequences of those choices."

"I want to be clear so you don't have any misconceptions. I will be cordial and professional as a co-parent for the sake of our kids, but we will not be friends. Once this (D) is done, it's done forever."
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W
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It sounds good and makes sence to us, those are classic lines in your/our Situation.
I personally believe, also because I said some similar Things is that it will roll of her back like water on a Lokus leaf. That is just my personal experience from dealing with my XW, I am not telling you what to do you here though.
It could also be that she may interpretate those comments as threts, they only hear what they want to hearafterall.

I gave up telling my XW such Things and just did them without warning. I let her go and I stopped being a "friend" or doing Things to make it easier for her but I was Always professional when it came to the Kids.
She noticed but it didnt Change anything which didnt matter because I did it for my inner Peace and not for her.
"Actions not words", thats what I learn here. Ist what we want/wanted from our MLCers so I guessed that is what they would want to see from us.

None of this is easy and there is no guidebook just references to be used as one feels.
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Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

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  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Some random things I've been thinking of saying to W if the opportunity presented itself. This would be to counter her having the best of both worlds currently. This would only happen if she brought up R. Would love feedback!

"You have made it clear you no longer want to be a part of this family. Regardless of what I think, you need to move on. I'm letting you go, and I am moving on."

"You have made choices, and you have to live with the consequences of those choices."

"I want to be clear so you don't have any misconceptions. I will be cordial and professional as a co-parent for the sake of our kids, but we will not be friends. Once this (D) is done, it's done forever."

What she is going to hear (if she's really off into the tunnel) is:



and, as WhyUs noted, it will have about the same impact/effect....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Words do mean something to them, but only at the right stages and moments.

They choose who they trust on various topics, and if you're not in the "circle" it will have the opposite effect you are seeking.

This is why it's important to build a new trust with them, so you can help.
If she's still in the phase of trusting certain friends and certain family..... she isn't going to care what you say (that will either be very clear, or it will disappear into brain black hole).

If you aren't trusted i a specific area, the only people who can influence her is those trusted people. They may be a bad influence, but she will have to figure that out on her own. It sucks, but that's the way it is.
Don't shoot yourself in the foot. If you can zip it..... zip it. If/when she comes around, you'll know. You also can't put blame on her or she will clam up. You're playing the long game, play wisely.

-SS
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W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

M
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Anyone have any experience with filing D to get spouse's attention/wake them up? I know this usually doesn't work, but would love to hear from people who may have first-hand knowledge.

Also, what do people think of being friendly (in a non-romantic, friendly roommate kind of way) to their W when there is a high likelihood she is engaged in an A? Better to give the cold shoulder?
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D
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Anyone have any experience with filing D to get spouse's attention/wake them up? I know this usually doesn't work, but would love to hear from people who may have first-hand knowledge.

Also, what do people think of being friendly (in a non-romantic, friendly roommate kind of way) to their W when there is a high likelihood she is engaged in an A? Better to give the cold shoulder?

Only file if you are truly, completely able to handle the consequences.  Are you ready to be divorced?  Filing on someone who is just engaged in an affair is sometimes recommend to shock them through the fog of limerance, but for someone in MLC, it will not have the desired effect and should only be done if you can handle any scenario that she comes back with.
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

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I don't think I have read a single story here of divorce being used successfully as a wake-up call.
Tbh, logically, if you accept that their crisis is about them not the marriage, then that makes sense doesn't it? This is not a normal situation and normal rules rarely apply tbh. And in a strange way, I think they have already divorced us in their heads.....

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't file...you may have other reasons that bring you to that decision.
But I would agree with Dis that divorce is a serious step and one to take only if you are very clear in your own mind about the reasons for doing so which have nothing to do with your w's reactions or not.

On the Friendly roommate thing? Not sure I have much to say as my situation was quite different but again the underlying principle is more about behaving in accord with your own values and priorities rather than trying to influence her. At the same time, Friendly is not always appropriate if someone is treating you with disregard or giving you lots of monster spew...civil is probably easier to aim for. I tried to choose what I thought I would feel ok with if I looked back five years later when I wasn't sure, so I used the rule of 3 a lot to train myself to respond rather than react based on how I felt at a given moment.  Jmo.
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« Last Edit: December 05, 2019, 02:07:34 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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