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Author Topic: My Story Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis

M
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Couple of other tidbits to consider:

I really don’t know were her head is right now. Very friendly, talkative when see each other. Even though it’s just about kids/finances. I’m worried she thinks this is what divorce will be like!

Right after BD, I felt as though she was repulsed by me. The last 3 weeks or so, she seems a little more relaxed and I don’t feel the same way, though we appear to be far away from any physical contact.
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« Last Edit: December 05, 2019, 04:07:19 PM by M47W43 »

W
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I may be wrong here but my XW was very similar. She BDed me but we still shared a bed (she bought 2 single quilts and threw our huge quilt away which was a sign and broke me). She was "mostly" Cold but friendly, just Living I guess.
6 weeks later I busted her and OM, that night she left and she never came back.

A couple of weeks later she was really friendly, would sometimes come home to cook and clean whilst I was at work. The fact is (in my case) was that she thought that I had accepted that she was with OM and was cool with it and we would be Friends. She really wanted to be my friend!!! I mean, WTF is that all About?

This may be where your W is, she thinks your "cool" with the Situation because your being Kind to her. They see, hear and believe only what they want to and Twist Things to suit their Needs.
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Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

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  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Anyone have any experience with filing D to get spouse's attention/wake them up? I know this usually doesn't work, but would love to hear from people who may have first-hand knowledge.

PLEASE tell me this question is NOT serious......



Seriously... you could stick a nuclear bomb in her underwear and it won't wake her up if she's truly off to the races. It would, however, play DIRECTLY into her hands to prove that YOU are the evil one, the one that is causing all the problems... It allows her to dodge any and all responsibility/accountability (which they do anyway) for the consequences of her actions. YOU file and she gets a "Get Out Of Jail Free" pass for her shenanigans because YOU ended the marriage, not her. That is the narrative that will be played out on the silver screen of her history...

Also, what do people think of being friendly (in a non-romantic, friendly roommate kind of way) to their W when there is a high likelihood she is engaged in an A? Better to give the cold shoulder?

The cold shoulder approach works if they are being a twatwaffle, if they are flaunting the AD in your face, and so on. Other than that, unless they are being truly abusive (in which case No Contact is a viable option), you have NOTHING to loose by being cordial and polite... Doesn't mean you have to play snugglebunnny BFFs with them (I certainly do not with xW as I don't have friends that treat me the way she treated me or her other so-called friends who were not enablers).  I think it might have been Treasur once who said that the best option is to treat a live-in Mid-Lifer like the crazy aunt/uncle that lives in the basement of the house - polite,ly, cordially, but all the while knowing that you can only trust them about as far as you can throw them...
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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What Ursa said.
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me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

M
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Doing some tidying up around the house and cleaning up/sorting all sorts of paperwork etc. I came across an application my wife sent in to “My Lost Family.” If you’ve been following my situation, you may recall she is adopted. It was heartbreaking to read the application. Things like, “I don’t know who I am.” and “I know nothing about my birth father.” Also found a letter from her birth mother, apologizing to W for not letting her contact her 3 half-siblings who W tracked down at end of last year.

No idea if this has anything to do with our current situation, but I am in pain just reading this stuff. I can only imagine how W must feel.
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Hey M47,

Oh wow..... that is terrible. When did she start that process of looking? I'm assuming that must always have been something on her mind all these years.
It makes me wonder if she got the ball rolling to find them around the time she went into "shadow pre-BD".

These questions they have... they build and build until finally they break in MLC and (hopefully) seek out answers.
Big life questions needing resolution, that sure sounds like MLC to me.

-SS
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W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

M
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SS,

I'd say the questions about her siblings/father came about 2-3 years ago. We located her birth mom when we were dating and that received mixed results. Knowing there is nothing I can do to help solve this is maddening.

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Hey M47,

Then that lines up with the normal amount of time for "shadow pre-BD"..... big life event too, which is typical of lighting the fuse.
Does it seem that way to you? (the time-frame)

Oh what they should teach all men in husband class. Oh that there would be a mandatory husband class for all males.

Yup, totally maddening..... I know what you mean. They will figure it out or they won't. Very hard to watch the one you love struggle. Very hard to not be able able to protect them or solve their problems.
Stand fast M47, you're doing good. You're the rock and the lighthouse in this. She has to see the light and get her bearings before heading home.

-SS
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W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

M
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Not too much to update. I have noticed W is at least a little bit more relaxed in my presence over the last 2-3 weeks. Light conversation, and she actually laughed today! Right after BD I got the feeling she was repulsed by my presence, even staying on the opposite side of the room as me. Lately, we have been standing physically closer to each other the last week or two. Just some observations.

S18 due home from college next week and he will have to be brought into loop re: W staying at friend's house each night. Also need to decide on Christmas schedule. My goal is to keep emotions out of it as these things unfold.   
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M
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Hi M47W43

I could have written your post myself....I've heard all the same stuff....I'm 3yrs into this mess.

My only advice, as will be repeated by the veterans on this forum, is to detach the best you can, get a life for yourself outside the relationship, concentrate on your kids and  leave her to get on the crazy train by herself.

Read ShocknAwe threads and ShockSis, recovered MLCer posts. It gives great insight into what goes on in their heads. You cant fix it.

Let them go. The sooner you can do that, the more at peace you will be.
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