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Author Topic: My Story Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis

M
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Thanks, MKnight.

Tonight we attended S11 winter concert at school. It was the first time since BD we rode in the same car together. We watched the concert and there was plenty of small talk throughout. We came home and very briefly talked finances. She said she would have to sell the house because there was no way she could afford it “by herself.” I did not respond to her comment. She runs a biz out of the house, so we had discussed several weeks ago giving her house in a D.

Unfortunately, I don’t think she will hit rock bottom until I’m completely out of the picture. If you were to see us interact, you would not think a D was likely coming down the pike. It’s a bizarre place to be in, that’s for sure.
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D
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M4,

I have been separated from my MLCW for almost 2 years now come March. Living in separate homes. There are still people who see us together that do not know that we're not a happily married couple. I have met co-workers of hers that call her my better half.  :o We are all living in an LBS bizarro world.  This Saturday marks 241 days since she filed for divorce without telling me, and she hasn't done anything else. We have a status conference scheduled in May. I don't know what that will bring between now and then. Keep your head up, take the high road, and let your conscience guide you. You need to be able to look back at this time and know that you were the best that you could be.
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

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M4,

i have a very similar situation with my W - check my thread.

In regards to how to act towards W when you suspect she is still seeing AP and other upsetting behaviour, I have taken the approach of the vets before me of responding in kind to pleasant behaviour W exhibits and ignoring as much as possible her nasty behaviour.

It is very difficult to not feel taken advantage of when your partner seems to cake eat, taking stability and support from you whilst hurting you deeply.

Try to remember what you already know..  this affair is not about you.  You are accountable for your actions as is your W, just try to focus on what is right for you and your kids and you will look back at this awful time with pride that you did what you could when your W was lost in the fog.

 Nothing you do will snap her out of it, nice or nasty.

 Recognise your courage, regardless if you stand for 6 months or 6 years it all takes tremendous courage and determination.

LW

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M
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Discussed Christmas plans with W and she said she would be coming to my family’s celebration on Christmas Eve because “it was the right thing to do.” Also Indicated she would stay here in order to be here for Christmas morning with the kids, and that she would “ sleep on the couch or something.” I did not respond to her couch comment at all.

S18 will be coming home from college tomorrow. Taking next semester off. We discussed what to do with some of his stuff like his coffee machine. W said maybe he could sell it, or he could bring it home because “you may need it.” I didn’t take the bait and get into an R or D discussion, just ended the conversation there.
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M
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W still liking almost all of my social media posts, which I find strange given the circumstances. She hasn’t brought up mediation or D discussions. We’ve been texting about kids mostly, or our schedules/bills. Always cordial and even occasional “lol” comments. No R discussions in last 10 weeks. One of my concerns is that this is what W thinks divorce will be like.

Thoughts on any of this appreciated!
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M
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Update/venting:

W says we should take 2 cars to Christmas Eve tomorrow night because she might "leave early" to go to her "brother's house." Said she will be home late and will sleep on couch so boys know she's there.

Part of me wants to tell her to not bother. She has made it clear she longer wants to be a part of this family, so let's not fake it. The other part of me wants to play it cool and get through the holidays without a huge uproar for the benefit of the kids.

Advice needed/welcomed.
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Ah dear chum, I can hear your monkey braining from here.  ;) understandable.

I am assuming that YOU want to go to your family's celebration regardless of whether your wife goes or not?
If so, do that. Make your plans as if she were an acquaintance who may or may not show up. Separate your plans with your family completely, set off when you are ready, drive separately, arrive and leave when you choose. In a very courteous way, ignore her....she may think she is the centre of the universe but it isn't true. I can see real advantages for you in the 2 car option tbh and in making your Christmas Day plans as if she were a optional extra too.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

M
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I feel your pain

Quote
Unfortunately, I don’t think she will hit rock bottom until I’m completely out of the picture. If you were to see us interact, you would not think a D was likely coming down the pike. It’s a bizarre place to be in, that’s for sure.

I expect it will take a long time for her to hit rock bottom - you will need to be completely out of the picture. If its like anything I've heard, I am the sole reason fro her unhappiness and the OM is perfect and makes her happy.

Try and detach the best you can - its incredibly difficult when she still lives in the same house.
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  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!


Yep, the monkeys have escaped their cages again... Totally understandable with the shenanigans you are witnessing...

Treasur is right though... Do your own thing at your own pace in your own time... MLCW is relegated to the position of crazy aunt that shows up to the family dinner that everyone tolerates and that is fine... It is what she is wanting/asking for and, until she gets to the point where she has lost it all and realizes that she is STILL unhappy (i. e. hits rock bottom with a resounding <splat!>) she will continue down the path....

Do what is good for you... What is good for her is not your concern anymore... not to mention the fact that what YOU think is good for her will NOT match what SHE thinks is good for her...
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
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Surreal night at family gathering with W. She was her usual cheerful self with everyone there but avoided me. People were asking questions about what was going on. I stayed focused on the kids. W left gathering to go to sister in law’s but I’m 99 percent sure she went somewhere else instead. Going to do my best to remain at least indifferent toward her for Christmas, but I’m about at end of my rope as far as d-bing goes. She’s not coming back. Need to change course after New Year.

With that, I’d like to wish everyone here a merry Christmas and happy holidays. Your support is worth more than you know.
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