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Author Topic: My Story Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis

W
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We had a brief custody discussion (S11) and she mumbled that she wanted what's best for kids, and whoever lived in a town with a better school system (likely to be me) should be custodial parent. Said she "didn't want to fight."
My XS and I sat our Boys down and told them that we had "seperated". She said "I dont know where I am going to live but I just want a small appartment for myself where I dont have to do anything for anybody else and just have myself to look after. We will let you decide for yourselves who you want to live with, we wont be disapointed or take it personally if you choose the other parent".... both Boys said "we will live with dad!"... she just said "Ok, I respect your decisions".
Crazy, she basically said that she wasnt interested in them anymore except for a couple of Hours to Chat with them like a big sister...

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Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

M
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Update/Journaling

W's MLC  journey continues. Lately, W has been a bit more chatty. I went to a family birthday gathering with S11 and she said "tell everybody I said hi" before she left the house. She also said twice to me this last week "drive safely" when I left for work in the morning. Doesn't mean anything, I know, but it just seems odd to me.

This last week we took S19 to lunch for his birthday, the first meal we've shared together (M, W, S19) in many months. Conversation was normal and not uncomfortable. S19 had asked us individually that he would like that for his birthday. Considering W was was on anxiety meds and could not handle being in the same room with me right after BD, I was surprised she agreed so readily to S19's ask.

We are still separated and still seeking D through a mediator we have retained. I am in the process of gathering my financial docs to send to the mediator and will continue to do so. W confirmed with me that she is somewhat uncertain as to what she needs to send to the mediator and that she hasn't sent any docs along yet. I did not say anything to her in return. 

I continue to detach, not pursue and 180/GAL. I feel like I'm progressing in each of those areas. I am looking forward to coming out on the other side and living my best life once again.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, all!
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M
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Update/Journaling

While going through items to gather and send to mediator, I came across a letter from my wife's birth mother to her. After reading it, I now believe my wife's (she is adopted) discovery of her half-siblings and her rejection by them was a major triggering event for her MLC. The letter wasn't hidden, and I do wonder if I was meant to see it.

The letter, about 30 months old, has some really devastating comments from her birth mother. Examples: "All I ask is that you do not force yourself on them as you did me." "This isn't just about you and your feelings." "I hope you respect their choice not to contact you if that is their choice. Not like your promise to me that you would not contact them." Wow. I can only imagine the pain W felt when reading this.

I did share much of this with my IC, who firmly believes this is the root cause of what we are dealing with. This is solely W's issue to handle, and thus far she has been unable to cope. I continue to move toward D through mediation. This is her journey, and she needs to take it alone.

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Locating a birth parent and or siblings is tough. While I can see how hard those words may have been for you W, I also see that they should not have been surprising. Not every birth parent wants to see the child they once let go. That response was one of several options that could have happened. It is sad to me that her adoptive parents were unable to convey to her growing up that people who dont want to be involved with you says little about you, and everything about them, unless of course no one ever wants to be your friend. From what was written, I might even guess that her birth mother told her she was not interested in a relationship and your W pursued one anyway, thinking only about her own feelings even then (MLC ramp up, maybe? Maybe searching for her birth mother was the beginnings of the MLC ).

I think there should be a Life Coping Skills 101 required in High School. To help people who do not get that kind of information at home.
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« Last Edit: February 23, 2020, 11:27:10 AM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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Following along M47. Back on the board after a bit of a break and your story sounds pretty familiar. I don't have much to add to the advice you've already been given.

It sounds like to me like you're doing the right things. Beyond than that I would encourage you not to be so task-oriented and business-like that you suppress your emotions. They'll come out later in an unhealthy way. That's what MLCers do, right?

Keep up the good work and be there for your kids. Be good to yourself!
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

M
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Thank you all for your previous replies.

We retained a mediator and had an initial meeting 5 weeks ago. He sent us i]a list of info he needed us to send him so he can begin his work and schedule another meeting with us. My wife hasn't sent anything as of yet. I have begun gathering necessary docs and sent some info along to the mediator.

We met with a realtor in early January, but there has been no follow-up from W wanting to get the home listed. If we are going to move forward and maximize price, now is the time to move and list our property.

Aside from these two things, I have noticed W reconnecting a bit with the kids and generally being more talkative with me (small talk), and I've seen glimpses of her "old self." She is also dealing with her unresolved issues from her adoption, and for the first time, mentioned to me that she was talking about this with her IC.

So, do I sit back, work on myself, and hope for the best, or move forward to make sure I get the best financial deal possible out of this?
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A
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So, do I sit back, work on myself, and hope for the best, or move forward to make sure I get the best financial deal possible out of this?
Hi M47,,,,,that is a tough question!  I went through the same conflict about what to do.   We waited initially but eventually went ahead and listed our home.   This was just over 2 years post BD.   Then it sat on the market for 6 months!   If we had listed right away in 2017, most likely we would have sold for more money than we got now.  I was tormented back then by many questions as was my h.   In the end, I was fine and he was absolutely tormented about what to do even though it was now more than 2.5 years since BD.   

Part of my own torment awhile back was,,, what if we reconcile and the house is gone?  In the end, I was more than fine if it was gone because if there is to be a reconciliation, there can always be a new house too.   Fresh beginnings so to speak.   But also, I now realize I have no sentiment about or attachment to this house and I'm fine leaving it.  The market here is very unstable and no one can predict which way it goes from here.    For me, I'm happy it's sold otherwise I would worry about what this market will do with the next bad news in our economy or in the politics.  It could easily go down,,,, even way down.   It could also go up, but it won't go way up the same way it could go way down.

So Monday our house sold after 6 long months.  H almost didn't sign the offer and took right to the deadline to decide.    He later said he would not be happy whatever he decided.  We still jointly own another house that I will move into.   The plan was to sell that one too, but h will not even consider it for another year.     Okay with me.. the house is fine and suits my needs very well.  And with his contribution as co-owner, I can't go wrong.   It would cost me way more to rent than to stay in this other house we own. 

So,,,every situation is unique and no two are the same.  I look back on the last almost 3 years since BD and all I can say is I am glad I didn't rush this decision even though waiting likely cost us.    Go over the pros and cons carefully and take your time.   If you are both on the same page,,, well maybe it is a good time.   In my own situation I was not happy forcing anything on my h.   He had to be okay with it too.   So in the end, I told him the final decision was his and I would be fine with whatever he chose.   My way isn't for everyone that's for sure,,, but it worked for me and I'm happy how it turned out.     





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"This too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass."
"Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Instead, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."

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So, do I sit back, work on myself, and hope for the best, or move forward to make sure I get the best financial deal possible out of this?

Fwiw M47....lots of food for thought in what Anon said.
My 2 cents.....I think you need to look hard at two things......the practical/financial impact on you of different options and what really lies emotionally behind your question.
It sounds as if you are wondering if doing nothing and keeping the house (which I think your w still runs a business from) will increase your chances of reconciliation? Is that about buying time or is it about believing that the house is part of what might draw her back? Or is it about something else altogether?

IIRC, BD was about 9 months ago? Long marriage? And you are in a mediation/divorce process currently? And you told your w a few months ago after some abortive MC that, as she was adamant about leaving, you would let her go. How old are your kids? Are you still both living in the house to be potentially sold? And I take it that neither of you can/wants to buy the other out?

My opinion....and it is only that....is that if your w is in MLC, MLC trumps things like divorce and house sales. As does reconnection if an MLCer ever wants to genuinely reconnect and an LBS is open to it. And that MLC takes a few years, maybe 3-5 minimum anecdotally. And none of us can predict the future, only deal with the current reality we see today. So, there may be a bird in the hand over an unknown bird in a later bush principle to muse on? But only you know how sustainable your current situation is or the size of the financial risk/reward at play for you.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

M
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Since BD 8 months ago, I've been focused on working out, GAL and becoming AMOAFWL.

When this all started, W had to go on anti anxiety meds just to be in the same room as me. We separated (though I see her daily as she runs a biz out of the house). Since that time, she has weaned off the meds completely. She still seems to want to D, and we've retained a mediator, but she speaks about it very infrequently. I just go about my business, act indifferently, and listen and validate as best as possible when she speaks to me.

It is difficult to tell where she's going or what's going on in her head, so I heed the advice of many here and don't waste much time trying to figure that stuff out.

She just walked into the room and told me she's going to a concert  next week, and told me the names of those she was going with. Seems very odd behavior for someone who wants to terminate a relationship and D, but I just listened intently, wished her a good time, and went about my day.

Patience. Keep digging for patience.
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M
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W casually says last week that she "missed some emails," including an email from "the mediator guy." He had sent us both an email about 3 weeks earlier, asking us for our financial info, etc. She asked me if I had sent in the info, and I matter-of-factly said, "Yes, I did" and went on my merry way.

Today she mentioned that she had to get her laptop back in working order because everyone needs her information from her business, like the "the tax guy" and "the mediator guy."

Things continue to be amicable between us. It won't change what I am doing, but I do wonder if if she is "testing me" with these types of statements, trying to get a reaction out of me.
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