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Author Topic: My Story Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis

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You were expecting Responsibility and accountability from a Mid-Lifer?

While you are at it, can you describe for me what Green tastes like?
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
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Tomorrow we meet with mediator to sign papers and get the D filed. Not feeling the dread I hate even a just a few months. I am hopeful we can hammer out the details in a reasonable manner, We both like and trust out mediator, so that should help our cause.

W texted a couple of days ago about paying for some clothes for S11 and followed up with a few texts that bordered on R talk. It seemed like she was just sort of explaining how she has rewritten history. I just validated and did't further the conversation much at all. Among the lines she said to me were, "This was/is a difficult decision for me. I didn't wake up one day and decide this." "We've had no connection for years and I've tried to make it perfect and happy and it's just not there." "Why do either of us want to stay in a marriage that we don't feel loved or appreciated or whatever the case may be?" "Yes. I think this is the best course of action.... for both us."

I found the last statement this most interesting, but I did not pursue and try to ascertain what she was trying to say there. She also offered to separate and "start moving on" so it would be gradual for the kids, which I declined.

Onward.
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Quote from: M47W43
"Why do either of us want to stay in a marriage that we don't feel loved or appreciated or whatever the case may be?" "Yes. I think this is the best course of action.... for both us."

BOTH of these statements are blame-shifting - making it seem that she is being oh so altruistic in her actions because it "will be better for both."



It is a way of avoiding or negating the responsibility for HER actions, HER choices.....

"What do you mean 'WE?' You got a mouse in your pocket? There is no "we" in your decision...."We" had no say in the matter.. This is YOUR choice, YOUR decision.....""
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
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Met with the mediator and signed the D paper work today. W got upset during the signing of the papers and went to the restroom to collect herself. I did not show any emotion. The rest of the meeting was the mediator explaining the process and beginning to discuss how we "untangle" things. W had very few answers and didn't seem to have any plan (I'm not saying I believe her).

Meeting ended and I walked out to my car ahead of W. I could hear her crying but I didn't stop. Then she wrapped her arms around me from behind and said through tears, "I'm sorry. It's my fault. I just don't see a future." I said, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and walked over to my car, at which point she confirmed the realtor appointment for next week and we went our separate ways.
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M
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Just want to wish all the Dads on the board a happy Father's Day tomorrow. Don't let your sitch rob you of any joy. You deserve to have a great day!

What is the advice on whether to respond if W reached out to wish a Happy Father's Day via text, etc?
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F
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It was important for me that my kids knew I was not choosing to divorce or separate.  That I believe in marriage and making it work.  I made this very clear to my children.

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Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

M
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Well, tonight's the night we tell the kids. Plan is to let W break the news. We spoke about what language to use, but I'm not holding my breath she will do the right thing. My focus is on the kids and making sure they know this isn't their fault and that we both love them very much, and that everything will be okay. Hope to update again later tonight. 
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D
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Well, tonight's the night we tell the kids. Plan is to let W break the news. We spoke about what language to use, but I'm not holding my breath she will do the right thing. My focus is on the kids and making sure they know this isn't their fault and that we both love them very much, and that everything will be okay. Hope to update again later tonight.

Prayers, my friend.  I will never forget the anguish this caused my dear little daughter.  Be strong for them.  I despised my W in this moment, and for the first time in my life, even after finding out about OM, I felt angry enough to be physical with her.  Thankfully I restrained myself.

I share this with you only as one possibility of the range of emotions you may experience.   Prepare yourself.  Make sure the children know you love them.    My thoughts are with you.
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

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Thoughts and prayers with you today/tonight.

-SS
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W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

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M47,

As long as she doesn't lie to them about this decision being mutual, then yes to tell them it has nothing to do with them, and you both love them is a good thing.

Just don't allow any blame to be put on you.  You did not want this.

I wish you luck!  Hope things go smoothly.

Hugs
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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