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Author Topic: My Story Wife in MLC - please share your thoughts/opinions/diagnosis

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Please remember too that these are just words, a moment....the real time to support your kids will be all the actions you take to show up as a decent loving father after this and that is what they will remember as you move forward.  Actions last so much longer than words imho. And the same will be true for your w (which may not go quite so well of course but that's not your job to worry about, just your side of the street)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

M
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All things considered, it went about as well as it could have. We called them together and W told them there were going to be some changes, including we are getting a D. We both assured them this had nothing to do with them and that we both loved them very much and always will, regardless of circumstances.

Some tears from W and S11, and S19 was pretty stoic. W then left to go see her sick mother. I spoke to S19 afterward and he was not surprised, which I didn't think he would be. I was expecting the worst, so it's a pretty big relief that it's over, to be honest. I will of course keep a watchful eye on them over the coming days and weeks for any secondary explosions.
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M
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I have begun telling my siblings and family about my situation. One thing I did not expect: It's been a cathartic experience! It's really nice to hear so much unconditional support, without any judgement from people. I can finally see that there is life on the other side of this mess. 
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... W told them there were going to be some changes...

Talk about deja-vu feeling with these words....some changes, lol.

But true, you are going to get plenty of support as you let the genie out of bottle. Embrace it, those who have been through D will likely know best how long/hard the process can be and will backing you on the long run (whereas rest of world will forget it in days/weeks)... What your life now becomes is all up to you. 

Alvin.
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Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

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Just catching up on threads after being off HS for a while. Sorry about all you're going through. It reminds me a lot of what I went through last summer. My xW delayed telling the kids until after the divorce was final and even then she told them it was "looking like divorce." I actually told them it was final after she left. They weren't surprised.

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I have begun telling my siblings and family about my situation. One thing I did not expect: It's been a cathartic experience! It's really nice to hear so much unconditional support, without any judgement from people.
This is really true.  I didn't tell anyone about my situation until my W left for good. (She was a stay-home wallower for three years, but requested mediation shortly after leaving last June.) Once I started telling friends and family it was a HUGE weight off my shoulders. Lots of people told me stories about their crazy exes, including a few guys I didn't even realize had been married before.

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I can finally see that there is life on the other side of this mess.
Absolutely. Once the thing you had been dreading happens, there are consequences and wreckage, but there's no longer any dread. It's not going to be easy, but it will get easier. There will be a ripple effect of grieving secondary losses and you'll have some bad days, but you've come through a lot already.

Treasur is completely right - what you do is a lot more important than anything you say. If you're being strong and calm, they'll draw strength from it. Don't be surprised or take it personal if they lash out at you sometimes. And now is a great time to continue GAL activities. My kids (mine are older) told me they were really impressed at how I got on with my life after the D. I got a mountain bike, started running races, joined a Meetup.com group for introverts and I made new friends. Meanwhile xW stayed in an apartment all the time with a bottle of wine and her cat. If you go about your business and live a good life, it will make it a lot easier for them to get on with their lives as well.
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« Last Edit: July 10, 2020, 10:24:11 PM by PJ Will Be OK »
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

M
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One of the many inspirational sayings I've come across while reading during this last year-plus is the following quote: "Everything you want is on the other side of fear." It's been attributed to multiple people, but it just rings so true.

My biggest hang-up early on was, like many others here, being paralyzed and not wanting to do anything to "make things worse." As many of the vets here have pointed out faithfully, the reality is that BD is THE WORST and nothing you say or do is going make it any worse once BD happens.

To those earlier in their sitches than I am, I must tell you that dropping the rope and working on yourself is the only way forward. You cannot "nice" or "mean" them back. But you can save yourself and set yourself up to live your best life moving forward, with or without our MLCer.

Let go of the fear that's holding you back. There's a whole new world out there just waiting for you. Don't worry or focus on your MLCer. They will know how to find you should they ever want to down the line.

Peace and love to all.
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M
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Update

Received draft separation agreement and currently reviewing it. I would appreciate any opinions you may have on it. The initial proposal proposal calls for me to be the custodial parent with joint legal custody. I get S11 Mon-Fri during the school year, and W gets him on weekends. The schedule reverses during the summer. No child support, and $1 alimony per year to W for 5 years. Those are the highlights. Thoughts!   
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  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Division of property? House (if applicable)?

Which of you earns more? If you are the custodial parent, you're the one who should be getting CS.... Health Insurance for S? Division of medical expenses beyond what Insurance covers? What about moving in the future, if one of you has to move for a job (for example)?  Retirement?

LOTS of questions there.....

Alimony of 1$/year for 5 years sounds like a great deal to me...... Slip her a 5'er and call it done.....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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M47 if a may make a suggestion.

What i did that helped me tremendously was go to the library and get some book on divorce and separation.  There is a lot of information out there.  I learned so much just by reading what all needs to be looked at.  It may help you too.

I found things I would never have known, or done.
I recommend everyone, in this position do some homework.  It's a cheaper way of going without paying hundreds of dollars to a lawyer.

It doesn't replace a lawyer, but it can save you money.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

M
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Division of property? House (if applicable)?

Which of you earns more? If you are the custodial parent, you're the one who should be getting CS.... Health Insurance for S? Division of medical expenses beyond what Insurance covers? What about moving in the future, if one of you has to move for a job (for example)?  Retirement?

LOTS of questions there.....

Alimony of 1$/year for 5 years sounds like a great deal to me...... Slip her a 5'er and call it done.....

House being sold, splitting the proceeds. I can live there until its sold. I earn a little bit more and would be the custodial parent. No child support in exchange for the $1 alimony. Each responsible for our own health insurance, kids stay on my plan. Split uncovered medical expenses for kids. Moving within 25 mile radius allowed, any further would require written approval from the other party. Retirement accounts remain separate, both keep whatever we have/get in perpetuity.

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