[megogirl]

Yes RCR is well-schooled on MLC to say the least.  Larry Bilotta is good too, but I don’t entirely trust him ($$$).

My question is for anyone who believes RCR is “wrong”....what do you think she was/is wrong about?  Because for me, what she wrote came to life right before my eyes.  My X morphed into the Prisoner personality!  Before that, I was thoroughly confused by her description and wondered if she was certifiably insane.

If I had Oprah-money I would absolutely publish THS. 

[Standing Strong]

[MLC joke.. not real]

Is RCR wrong?

[Childish, immature voice] "No!!! You're wrong!!!!"


LOL!!!!

-SS

[nah]

I agree with RCR.

Mego, SS, how do you feel about her words on mirror Work?

Paving the Way is about how you treat others and your Self; it integrates with Mirror-Work which is about you; who you are, how you respond and react and what you can do to change what needs changing, embrace what needs loving and heal without bitterness. Paving the Way for your MLCer to come home is about loving your Self and making your Self a priority.As you change and heal, you become an attractive force for your MLCer. Understanding the theory as I explain it will get you nowhere if you fail to apply it; without actions it’s dead and I can’t do the work for you. Growth is a personal experience.

Aka... focus on yourself. The “naysayers” aren’t disagreeing with RCR. Just the opposite.

[Nas]

I agree with RCR, Mego, SS, how do you feel about her words on mirror Work?

Paving the Way is about how you treat others and your Self; it integrates with Mirror-Work which is about you; who you are, how you respond and react and what you can do to change what needs changing, embrace what needs loving and heal without bitterness. Paving the Way for your MLCer to come home is about loving your Self and making your Self a priority.As you change and heal, you become an attractive force for your MLCer. Understanding the theory as I explain it will get you nowhere if you fail to apply it; without actions it’s dead and I can’t do the work for you. Growth is a personal experience.

Aka... focus on yourself. The “naysayers” aren’t disagreeing with RCR. Just the opposite.

This all day long.  This is what I knew early on I had to do but didn't want to and for the first few months I wouldn't even look at the writings on mirror work.  Credit to my wonderful mentor, Ready2Transform, and others for keeping on me until I understood the importance.  I just wanted the theory to be true and the "stages" to hurry up and happen so I could get to "the end."   

[Standing Strong]

I agree with RCR.

Mego, SS, how do you feel about her words on mirror Work?

Paving the Way is about how you treat others and your Self; it integrates with Mirror-Work which is about you; who you are, how you respond and react and what you can do to change what needs changing, embrace what needs loving and heal without bitterness. Paving the Way for your MLCer to come home is about loving your Self and making your Self a priority.As you change and heal, you become an attractive force for your MLCer. Understanding the theory as I explain it will get you nowhere if you fail to apply it; without actions it’s dead and I can’t do the work for you. Growth is a personal experience.

Aka... focus on yourself. The “naysayers” aren’t disagreeing with RCR. Just the opposite.

Hi Nah,
I totally agree with that. Where I differ is that some interpret that to mean at the exclusion/determent of the MLC'er. I choose to improve (and a lot of it) as well as engage the MLC'er. The MLC'er is expecting the LBS to be hurt, damaged and pushed away by their words/actions.The MLC'er is a bully. In my case, W thought I'd be gone toot-sweet when she tried to push me away.... she was shocked when that didn't happen. Instead I got better, stronger, better looking. Before long her monstering had no effect, and without the desired effect of hurting me it lost it's power and appeal. Where she struggled with life, work.... I excelled. Where she thought confessing anything to me would be anger and condemnation instead brought kindness, understanding and love..... she was shocked again. New trust began (slowly).
So mirror work? Absolutely essential. Focusing only on yourself? Absolutely not (not for me anyway). Gotta stand up to that monster and not be afraid of it (that's another RCR teaching).
We can't be exclusively mirror-work (IMO). That's only part of our work... and I think that's what RCR says. Survival mode can't last forever, we have to get back into the fight. Active, not passive (and I totally understand that this is not possible with all MLC'ers).

-SS

[nah]

It seems to me you are doing great for being so early in but...

“Not focusing only on yourself? Stand up to the monster? Get back into the fight?”

I’m not sure where RCR wrote your ideas. Do you believe RCR is wrong? Bc she wrote this -

Release is difficult. You are not only emotionally attached to your MLCer, but you are also attached to an outcome--you want to reconcile. Ironically the only way to achieve a true reconciliation is through releasing the attachment to it. That does not mean giving lip-service to release, but coming to a place where you can Accept with joy whatever outcome you receive.

Appropriately detached you will still be able to care, but you will also be able to function. Detachment is the first step in the process of release. Cut the cord (Detach); drop the rope (Let-Go), step to the side and Accept (Surrender). Detachment is at the behavioral and emotional level. Detach from your MLCer's emotions, otherwise you will cycle with him and his behaviors will create your emotions. Then learn to Surrender by first Letting-Go. Let-Go of any agenda, Let-Go of preconceived notions, Let-Go of expectations; the final Letting-Go is where you approach Surrender when you release control to God. It's also the hardest. Letting-Go is a process and you may grab on again many times, you reach Surrender when you no longer feel the need to take back control, but rather you trust in a Higher Power regardless of whether it is directing you to where you want to be or not. Surrender is a state of trust and Acceptance. him and his behaviors will create your emotions. Then learn to Surrender by first Letting-Go. Let-Go of any agenda, Let-Go of preconceived notions, Let-Go of expectations; the final Letting-Go is where you approach Surrender when you release control to God. It's also the hardest. Letting-Go is a process and you may grab on again many times, you reach Surrender when you no longer feel the need to take back control, but rather you trust in a Higher Power regardless of whether it is directing you to where you want to be or not. Surrender is a state of trust and Acceptance. where you approach Surrender when you release control to God. It's also the hardest. Letting-Go is a process and you may grab on again many times, you reach Surrender when you no longer feel the need to take back control, but rather you trust in a Higher Power regardless of whether it is directing you to where you want to be or not. Surrender is a state of trust and Acceptance.

Again, it’s about letting go, detach from them (aka... stop focusing on them) and focus on YOU.

Sorry if these words seem negative but they are directly from RCR.

Is RCR wrong?

[Nerissa]

I have always thought RCR was very strong as an lbs spouse.  She seemed to have pretty clear boundaries and was kind but firm.  If I had been able to follow her instructions, I’d have been detached and healthier much earlier.  She is often misconstrued.  We give our own meaning to her words depending on our state of mind I think. 

It is completely normal to be stuck.  Perhaps for a long time.  The facing of a possible new reality is just too painful.  In any case, no one knows what may happen in anyone’s individual relationship.  However, there comes a time when continuing to encourage the fantasy of reconciliation - encourage rather than acknowledge its possible but unlikely - becomes collusion in that fantasy and in encouraging a withdrawal from engaging fully with the new reality of Life imo and impacts children too.

It’s an awfully fine line but for me, there’s a real peace and freedom in being able to recognise the fantasy and relegate it.  There were several posters here who gave me mild ‘wake up and smelll the coffee advice’. Even as it stung, I recognised the common sense.

[Treasur]

Thank you for reminding us of these words, nah.
I remember going back to that collection of articles over and over again bc it was the hardest road to walk. And it definitely happened in clunky stages for me. Sometimes I fought for it, sometimes against it, sometimes events forced me or my own exhaustion, sometimes anger or resentment too. Tbh I think it is only quite recently that I have touched the deeper acceptance of Surrender. And I don't always manage to stay there lol....but more and more I can get back to it with a bit of effort. And it is a calmer, happier place and strangely even a place of love in a way.

I have noticed that a couple of other posters are at that 2-3,year point when they have detached a lot, even dropped the rope but now find themselves in a place where their old hope has dwindled and they are not sure where to go now. This excerpt is probably one that speaks directly to that....the deeper stages of dropping the rope and trying to find a way to accept without resentment, to trust that in ways we can't see yet our life will be ok, to find whatever higher power we believe in and really genuinely hand all the messy bits over to it.

[megogirl]

Nah

I've never disagreed with anything RCR has written.  That's why she's my personal guru.

Am I bad at Mirror-work?  Sure.  But I'm in Survival Mode. 

It's still hard to focus on anything, other than getting out of bed tomorrow.

[Treasur]

Nah

I've never disagreed with anything RCR has written.  That's why she's my personal guru.

Am I bad at Mirror-work?  Sure. 

But I'm in Survival Mode.  Hard to focus on anything, other than getting out of bed tomorrow.

Mego, if it isn't too presumptuous bc I don't know you very well, may I say that this is one of the most brave honest things I have seen you post. And probably a good sign that you are starting to inch your way out of survival mode. Which as so many of us know is hard and not like living at all is it? I think I was stuck in survival for at least two years, maybe a little more. I hope that you are feeling the odd glimmer of light now even if it is a bit off and on....and that you will start to find your own way to follow RCR's guide on the mirror work. Not easy but it seems to work like a slow snowball so it gets easier with time