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Author Topic: My Story Some heartfelt food for thought regarding another aspect of one's journey

G
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To all my brothers and sisters on this forum:

I hope this post finds many of you doing well.  I have been an observer for over two years now as I too have embarked upon a journey of having a MLC’r blow up our family after 20-years of marriage and 28-years of friendship.  I haven’t been in a strong position to share my story as it has been a journey to get back on my feet with our daughter, in spite of the choices HE/THEY made to destroy the foundation of marriage.  I am hoping one day when this forum becomes a place of safety that I too will feel confident to share my story, knowing we all are trying to help one another and not hinder on multiple fronts, either knowingly or unknowingly.

For months as I slowly watched in anticipation for a healthier gathering to share and support one another so we can come out the other side better- not bitter- I have witnessed a slow and continually spiritually draining spirit wreaking havoc on this board.  I hope that everyone can receive what I am about to say in the loving spirit it is given.  If one chooses after that to mock, berate, argue, or force their unhealthy behaviors on me- which will ultimately be your choice- will speak to the type of heart one is carrying around within them today.  It’s my hope as I share here, this one time only, that many will step back and reflect on which spirit are they serving?  Each of us are different, in the end it all requires a heart-check.  Because of the divisible spirit of this board, I will not be responding after this one post I make.  I am choosing to give food for thought and to continue a healthy walk as I let God do the work in me as well as my family so the evil one doesn’t take anymore than he has.  After all, for those who know the purpose, he comes to destroy families. This is all part of last day happenings, no matter what one may choose to ignore.  Simply check the word in the bible. 
Here are a few:
2 Timothy 3:2
James 1:8
John 10:10
John 8:7
Mark 12:31

The first thing I am noticing is a double standard.  Let me say upfront that I am a Christian.  While I do not agree with anything that has happened in MLC world to any of us, I can say I have come to understand, in part the how’s and why’s.  It doesn’t make it fair or right.  It doesn’t take it away.  What is does is gives me control over how I will engage going forward and ultimately keep me in check as to whether I am contributing to the problem or disengaging from the problems that come with this heartbreaking situation in our lives.  Yes, I understand not everyone is a Christian.  Just as with anything, I have watched others profess their beliefs and today I am standing on mine in a manner that reflects Christ like behavior no matter what.  It’s hard some days, but at the end of the day, it’s a choice not to add to further destruction of one’s family, mind, body and soul. Ultimately, the choice is given to each of us. 

I love my husband and I am very heartbroken.  Sadly are now divorced to protect my family against his poor choices. He chose to flee without explanation or an apology.  He lives with OW who is his subordinate and 18-years younger with a 5-year old of her own. That former husband of hers is distraught and wanted to kill my husband.  That’s their triangle, that I will not be a part of.  So yes, on top of major medical and having an adoptive daughter who feels replaced, I get the betrayal, anger, frustration, and hurt that comes with watching your spouse (former or otherwise) morph into a demonic like force that is not our spouse.  That is the works of pride and obstinacy without salvation at play in the lives of many families.  In the end, the evil one has taken another family. IMHO, both spouses have work to do on these separate journeys.  The question is which master will we serve as we walk this out?  This division on this board is serving evil, period.  It can be changed. The choice is each of ours daily to help or hinder.

To keep this as short as possible, just bear with me on what I know from my own experience.  I am hoping it will shed light on how you can’t understand why the MLC’r can’t snap right out of it.  I am going to come at this from a different perspective.  Please don’t pounce on the words; this truly is something hard to explain unless you have gone through it. Because of the division on this board, coupled with double mindedness and closed hearts on things we can’t understand, I chose to do this one post to hopefully add clarity and to get those who choose to berate those kind hearts that area sharing and baring their souls to back off the opportunity to create strife and simply step back and look at those things you may not understand.  You may or may not get it, that’s ok and part of learning.  Next year you may.  It’s a journey.  I hate watching some of the kindest souls on here turn bitter in defense over months because they chose to love in their own way, personally I think a Christ like way, and they were mocked and ridiculed and told how to feel.  For these reasons, I am stepping up today and asking the bullying to stop from those contributing to it.  I’m asking for the site owner to please take control of a situation that is going to possibly put new seekers into greater despair because unless they walk according to what some old timers think they should be doing, and then all other ways are wrong.  That’s a cult, not free will.  We should be learning from one another and in the end we are individually responsible for the choices we make, good, bad or indifferent.  All feelings matter.  They are our own.  What we do with them is up to each of us.  So let’s begin  :)

 In a way, though I never strayed or cheated, due to major medical decisions I was forced into early menopause at 32 with two types of drugs to suppress to be operated on, one which is used in cancer treatments today, though I didn’t have cancer.  It was hell.  Within 2 weeks of being shut down systemically, my mind went into a fog.  It was the fishbowl effect many speak of.  Though, fish bowl is hard for many to understand, maybe look at it like being in a bubble and pressing your face to the plastic and you can push and press, but can’t break through.  With that comes frustration and anger.  Then greater anger because how could this have happened, it has to be the spouses fault.  For if you were happy with them, you wouldn’t be forced to face this horrible experience, right?  The sad part is, there’s no way out but to keep pressing on this morphing warped like place to find a way out.  So right there ask yourself how you would feel if you were trapped in some place like that, a place that feels rubbery but you can’t break through.? You are building rage.  You don’t care, you’re in a way fighting for survival and all bets and family needs and desires are off.  You feel like you’re climbing out of your skin.  It’s not right or fair, but it’s every man for his or herself.

Now as time goes on the body temperature and further antagonist are going on.  It could be family, senses, smells, just ongoing agitation and irritability that won’t go away.   It’s like someone turned the heat up on you, then cold, then crying, then mad and it starts all over again.  Then you’re too proud to tell your spouse or significant other that you think you’ve lost your mind, because after all this makes no sense and it will be over soon.  Wrong, more time, long days and nights of hell.  The only choice at this point is to seek help, but for some reason, which could be denial and pride, we put that part of thinking it will get better.  Then we attack our family in ways we never thought possible. Words especially, coldness, aloofness, bitterness, you start to feel like a caged animal.  Well as pride really sets in it takes over the forefront of our thinking and reasoning.  We say the hell with everything.  Yes, we had a choice, but at this point (again this is only my experience from a different perspective) we feel we can handle it and nothing is wrong with us.  A new beginning will solve everything.  I had two years of this before my husband lovingly turned around one day and said; I will no longer allow you to treat me this way.  You need to get help. I thought a new life would be better, but I never left.  The feelings I had were totally hate like feelings, no feelings at all.  Unlike anything I had ever felt and I knew I loved him.  I was mad at myself that I couldn’t reach or connect with him.  Like a force was pulling me by my feet away from him and my hands were out, though they weren’t. 

So I went to get help.  The doctors told me this was a side effect of a rapidly forced menopause.  I truly can attest that I believe the mind shuts down and our old self is stuffed down as pride and obstinacy, or evil takes over because we thought we were infallible. I believe it’s the body’s way to protect our minds without going insane.  It most certainly is a compulsive type of action that one can’t help. It’s a breakdown of our old self that we ever knew, mentally, spiritually and physically.  Now if anyone has dealt with major medical issues, can you honestly say you handled it with grace and dignity in hard times?  No, because sickness isn’t neatly packaged.  We think we can control it, but we can’t.  The breakdown is an illness of sorts.  Sorry if many do not agree.  Hurt people hurt people.  They act in compulsion in pain.  Anyone who can’t understand that part of human behavior is greatly disconnected emotionally or hasn’t humbled themselves to try to understand what someone is struggling with. 

There are so many ailments and disabilities today, why is it we just want what makes us feel better to ease our pain?  I get it, but it isn’t just about us.  God has many children, even those who wish not to acknowledge him or have a relationship with him. He’s not on standby to be a genie in a bottle.  When we choose our actions in life, disobedience in any form, automatically consequences are attached.  Good or bad.  The problem is people think they are immediate.  Some call it karma.  It’s justice of a different kind. This is a fallen evil world that is run by Satan until the return of Jesus.  We must choose what kind of life we want and what types of behaviors we are allowing into our lives.  In the end, sorry, we must choose who we will serve.  The world serves self.  We Christians are to serve God and for his glory and purposes.  Is it hard, yes, but to those Christians on this board, you know this is our calling and it ultimately separates the wheat from the chaff.  God hates divorce.  He is working on our behalf behind the scenes if we are earnestly seeking his will in the situation.  If not, one will run by worldly standards which only serve self.  Think about all the platforms of self and destruction.  We all fall short.  Christian or not, we all are sinners.  We as Christians are not to be partaking in such worldly destruction and foolishness that divides and creates strife.  So that’s my message there on the Christian perspective.  I’m not hiding from it.

They had to put me on low dose antidepressants for about a year.  To shorten this story, I can tell you as the antidepressants started to work; I felt the reverse of re-connection to my husband.  I was gravitating toward him.  Then I can recall one day while I was in the kitchen talking to him in my shut down mode, I was simply leaving the room when he was talking to me and his words hit my heart.  The sound of his kind voice.  I turned around and looked at him and the first thing he said to me is your eyes look different.  They look better than evil has looked these past two years. All my feelings came rushing back. Hence the switch, it went on at that moment.  Then came the rush of shame and guilt.  All the hell and pain I had caused him.  It was as if all those words I ever said were coming back on me in the force and method I had given it to him.  I pushed through the bubble at this point.  In our lingo here it is movement through the tunnel.  Now I wanted to go run and sleep.   To hide in shame.  He was good to me, but he held me accountable.  Thank God, I never left.  Though I can recall I felt like I slept on and off for a year.  I had to learn to peek out and go back in because my body was tired and I was ashamed.  I have to say had he berated me or bullied me, I would have left and started a new life even though I loved him.  It’s what we call a humbling of thy self.  I had to die to self.

In time I got better, we got better.  I remembered thinking Lord, do not let me lose my family again.  I went in closer to the Lord.  My husband though he said he was a Christian wanted the ways of the world and thought he could stop temptation.  As we know, we can’t serve two masters.  You will love one and hate the other. It’s a choice. Then he got sick for the first time. A year before he got caught. In the hospital he lost his colon.  He lost his mind, he had the crisis hit full blown, though in hindsight the above signs and symptoms I had were with us three years prior.  I just kept working through it and he felt nothing was wrong. So with all this, he fled after being caught. He still wanted in our life but was and is a complete monster.  Thinking he can have a double mindset and a double life. 

This forum helped me to move forward, but in love and strength.  I am no contact except for a parenting app. He lives with her.  He has touch and goes through the app.  I am kind and respectable, but no phone or email as I won’t allow it. He is only serving self.  He is in a narcissistic place right now.  His goofy mind reminds me that I can call him anytime I want on the phone, I tell him no thank you.   I love him, but I will not support this destruction.  I will not be the other woman.  I am 55 and starting my new life.  I am standing, but I am spending time getting to know me.  Does it hurt?  You bet!  It’s horrible, some days.  I just pray and cry it out and go forth for God to unveil what he has in store for me and our daughter.  She will be graduating high school in May.  The marital home will be sold and I will move to the state she will be going off to college.  She will have her own life and so will I.  Yet, I will be a silent anchor for the holidays and family time with all the kids going there from here.  He can stay here with his new counterfeit life until he wakes up and seeks first the kingdom of God and finds his family he destroyed. 

For me, I know God wants me to move forward in love towards one another.  That’s what today’s message is about. Anything that hurts someone is a choice to do evil, knowingly or unknowingly.   That’s not love, period.  We must be accountable for our parts in hurting others and healing ourselves.  I hope this adds a different dimension of clarity as to why they just can’t do something.  Until you have walked a mile in this experience, it’s easier to be a side-line critic to ease our pain then to understand they can’t get out. In the meantime, I look forward to seeing a change of heart on this forum.  For those who have chosen to take beauty and make it ashes, the same can be said as to why there are still bitter hearts instead of getting better without the MLC’r just like this forum taught us before it went awry.  May you all have a great holiday season.  May we all have a heart change and gain compassion for others.  May we not lean on our own understanding.  May we not destroy what is good in our life to serve the evil one’s agenda.  May we work together to get through this nightmare that no one has asked for. God Bless!!  GG.
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Thank you Gg4lifefor sharing this with us.

God bless you.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Gg,

I just read your post.  Thank you for writing.  I did take your words in the loving spirit they were given.  I understand perfectly what you were saying.

I'm sorry things are the way they are for you right now, but you sound good.  Thank you for sharing your story with us.

A few things you said I found interesting, when you said you were forced into an early menopause and how it effected you.

We had a recovering MLCer on here recently who described her MLC in some of the same words.

"Within 2 weeks of being shut down systemically, my mind went into a fog.  It was the fishbowl effect many speak of.  Though, fish bowl is hard for many to understand, maybe look at it like being in a bubble and pressing your face to the plastic and you can push and press, but can’t break through.  With that comes frustration and anger.  Then greater anger because how could this have happened, it has to be the spouses fault.  For if you were happy with them, you wouldn’t be forced to face this horrible experience, right?  The sad part is, there’s no way out but to keep pressing on this morphing warped like place to find a way out.  So right there ask yourself how you would feel if you were trapped in some place like that, a place that feels rubbery but you can’t break through.? You are building rage.  You don’t care, you’re in a way fighting for survival and all bets and family needs and desires are off.  You feel like you’re climbing out of your skin.  It’s not right or fair, but it’s every man for his or herself."

" Then we attack our family in ways we never thought possible. Words especially, coldness, aloofness, bitterness, you start to feel like a caged animal.  Well as pride really sets in it takes over the forefront of our thinking and reasoning.  We say the hell with everything.  Yes, we had a choice, but at this point (again this is only my experience from a different perspective) we feel we can handle it and nothing is wrong with us.  A new beginning will solve everything."

"The feelings I had were totally hate like feelings, no feelings at all."

"I truly can attest that I believe the mind shuts down and our old self is stuffed down as pride and obstinacy, or evil takes over because we thought we were infallible. I believe it’s the body’s way to protect our minds without going insane.  It most certainly is a compulsive type of action that one can’t help. It’s a breakdown of our old self that we ever knew, mentally, spiritually and physically."

When you talked about going on a low dose antidepressant and how it helped you to re-connection to your husband and you gravitated towards him, make me wonder if some women are not actually in a mid-life crisis, but it's more of a hormone imbalance and possibly an anti-depressants could help them.
Just food for thought.

Not that I want menopause debated here. Just some interesting thoughts.

I wish you nothing but the best, Gg.
I pray someday you and your loved one are reunited.

Hugs!
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

F
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Thank you for sharing! I was able to relate to aspects of your post and found value in in it! Keeping you in prayer!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
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M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

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Wonderful post, thank you Gg

Attaching

-SS
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W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

 

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