Author Topic: My Story 5.5 years in. Me getting stronger. H a mess  (Read 3544 times)

Offline Seahorse

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My Story Re: 5.5 years in. Me getting stronger. H a mess
« Reply #10 on: December 04, 2019, 04:12:21 PM »
Milly - sounds fabulous - when do we arrive!   ;D
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Shelly7435

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Re: 5.5 years in. Me getting stronger. H a mess
« Reply #11 on: December 04, 2019, 05:01:30 PM »
Oh Milly these mlcers... what a mess. I haven’t see my x in about a year but I suspect he would disgust me as well.

You give me hope when you talk about your d25. I’m glad you had a nice visit.
M 53
H 48
M 12 years; together 17 years
D18, S28
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: 5.5 years in. Me getting stronger. H a mess
« Reply #12 on: December 04, 2019, 05:03:12 PM »
Oh had me at mulled wine.  ;D

I had a whole post that just wouldn't go up. I'm sure it was jibberish. But mostly I was cheering you on for the pragmatic, detached, mature and sensible take you had on the Christmas tree vis-a-vis the "new financial arrangement."  I feel like Tuscany was a turning point for many of us.

As far as what was in H's mind when he saw the tree? Probably just "Oh what a perfect tree for Milly and the kids."  I doubt there was any attempt at softening you. He knows the new Milly can't be bought (especially with a tree she still has to pay for herself-lol) I do think they have good in them still. Just hard to access. And very compartmentalized.

Can't wait to hear about S's reaction to your enormous TV!
Me 48
H 47
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Anon

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Re: 5.5 years in. Me getting stronger. H a mess
« Reply #13 on: December 04, 2019, 06:42:37 PM »
Ah Milly,,, I would LOVE to be there and bring whatever.   The ‘whatever’ could be my homemade to die for killer cinnamon buns for the next morning after we crash from all that spiced wine?  Washed down with mucho cappuccinos.   (Mucho is Italian, right?)

You sound good Milly, like you can handle this extra curve ball that's come your way easily.  Tuscany sure was a game changer for me, and like KIT says,,probably many of us.  I've not been the same since.  If I could pick one word to describe how it changed me - stronger..    in two words... much stronger!

So your H is quite the joke, isn't he?   Does he really think it's okay to get a speeding ticket with your car and dump it on you?  Good for you for shutting down any more favors to him in the car/storage dept.  In fact, you probably can do quite nicely without any favors from him.   Something tells me he's so fogged up though that he won't understand why you have withdrawn the favors.  Lost cause - back in the oven - turn it up to broil maybe then walk away,,, he can let himself out of the oven when the timer goes off and come and find you, if you aren't long gone by then. 

Sorry he is being such a jerk with the finances again and reneging on his promise to support S at the academy.   That's just a $h!teting thing to do.  And back with ow?  You know they go through a few breakups before the final breakup that sticks.  Once it sticks I hope he drops straight down into withdrawal hell and stays there until he understands a few key things about himself.

In the meantime, you keep planning mulled wine sleepovers with your buddies.   :- :)  We will keep you more than sane and moving forward!


« Last Edit: December 04, 2019, 06:56:32 PM by Anon »
"This too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass."
"Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Instead, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."

Offline Keep believing

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Re: 5.5 years in. Me getting stronger. H a mess
« Reply #14 on: December 05, 2019, 02:26:57 AM »
Wow Milly,
Oh these mlcers can really spin your head. But I have to say ,the conversation you had went no where. I dont know what their reasoning is yet to have theses conversations,    why they pretend . I suppose just to get something from us.  I am guessing his being nice the last couple months was manipulation to get you to do what he wants. One thing I think I realized is that until they actually have that breakdown and talk to you , Its all manipulation. We want to believe they are changing. We want to beleive they are seeing the light , but they is what we want to see.
I love how your d 25 sees ow now. Thats great. maybe she will eventually not want to be around her anymore because she is so stupid. you can only handle stupid for so long.
Your best bet is to be financially independent. I know how hard that is. you want h to be responsible. You have to let that go as well. your son will eventually not want to see his father . I think he will despise him in the future. your son has been hurt so many times from him . This is what happened with my d 19. She washed him out of her life.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: 5.5 years in. Me getting stronger. H a mess
« Reply #15 on: December 05, 2019, 02:30:23 AM »
Sorry, this is as close as I could find to an elf with a tree where the sun don't shine...

But H's antics actually remind me more of this guy...

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Online Treasur

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Re: 5.5 years in. Me getting stronger. H a mess
« Reply #16 on: December 05, 2019, 02:37:57 AM »
Funny how KB puts her finger on what I'm sure must be one of the markers of 'yup, not cooked yet', those circular conversations that really go nowhere. If you contrast them with what a normal conversation between two adults trying to solve a problem with two different sets of needs.....I remember having a few of those moments, just round and round. Manipulation, sure...bc they only see their needs as really relevant I guess...and the lies of course...bjtbalso that strange cheese-brain thing. Used to make me wonder how my then h managed to function out in the real world at all.

It is remarkably difficult to have a sensible conversation with another adult when you have to assume that most of what they say is either unreliable or untrue. I remember reaching a point when I just decided it was futile so I stopped trying....and I'm not talking about big issues or big emotional stuff...small things like turning up at place x on day y to do z that he had proposed doing, or sending a piece of paper to an insurance company. It did get exhausting....but look at how far you have come, Milly, and how differently you react now.

Hmmm, looks like MLC tree toppers could be added to our virtual HS online store lol
« Last Edit: December 05, 2019, 02:40:13 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: 5.5 years in. Me getting stronger. H a mess
« Reply #17 on: December 05, 2019, 02:40:19 AM »
Sounds to me like typical clinger bait n switch. Vanish...then return with gifts...annoy the hell out of you...then remind you how amazing they are.  ::)

Blah. It is kind of predictable if you think about it.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Maleficent

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Re: 5.5 years in. Me getting stronger. H a mess
« Reply #18 on: December 05, 2019, 05:11:43 AM »
Hi Milly, Following along at 5.5.... I was so upset for you when I read h reneged on the financial arrangements for the academy, leaving you completely responsible. So, initially, he looked like the good guy.... Angry about leaving you responsible for the speeding ticket, too.  Sounds like a boy of 17 with no responsibilities. For everyone's sake, I do hope he grows up soon. In the meantime, as others have said, please do not give up the garnishment unless you are guaranteed of something better. (Yes, do take the tree and call your lawyer.)

On a positive note, so glad you had a nice visit with D25. Slowly but surely, a strong relationship will return, and that is where it is at. And she sees ow for what she is.

I'm in for a party with you all and the big screen tv (hope S is over the moon) and mulled wine. I'll bring chocolate fondue.
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline MillyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: 5.5 years in. Me getting stronger. H a mess
« Reply #19 on: December 05, 2019, 11:34:50 AM »
Everyone thank you so much for all your posts: Dissilusioned, Treasur, Sachat, Sea, Kit, Rose, Anon, Shelly, Keep, Um, Morte and Male. I've read them all a couple of times. Great advice about the circular conversations, the pointlessness of talking to an MLCer, the crazy idea that you can have a conversation with an adult who used to be your number 1 but you can't believe a word he's saying.

UM, your elf is too pretty but thanks!  Love the fantasy mulled wine party at mine. Come at 7pm Sea, and if anyone passes out and sleeps on the couches, there's Anon's magic doughnuts for breakfast!

Shelly, I'm happy to hear that my situation with D25 gives you hope. I did always reach out to her. I never ended communication from my side. I would send her a message once a month or so. She would never answer.

Thanks everyone for the funny comments about what you'd do to my H or wish for him to experience. Good ideas!

So this morning there was another email from H just saying that he told the florist regarding the delivery that I lived 15 minutes away just like him. I didn't answer. I went to get my hair done. The hairdresser did my hair sooo pretty. She took a picture of the back which I sent to my kids. She said it looked like a model. I then went for my lunch meeting with my boss and winemaker in our old family restaurant where H, OW, D25, and her boyfriend had dinner two weeks ago.

I was the first there, which was a little embarrassing. The owner welcomed me fairly nicely and offered me a glass of champagne which I said yes to maybe a little too enthusiastically as a man at the next table turned to look at me. I picked up my phone and lurked on HS.

THe work lunch turned out to be very nice. We had a great time. I feel that the relationship with me and the winemaker has improved lately and conversation was easy and there were quite a few jokes, too. We talked about some fairs we are going to do and I'm going to be going back to London for one in February and another in May. Lovely for me as I get to visit D22, plus my new girlfriend in Oxford!

After lunch we went back up to the winery to deal with a couple of things and by the time we were done it was already dark. I drove back down to the village to go check out the Christmas tree. There was a queue so I went and had a cappuccino. 'Mucho' is Spanish, Anon! But the way you said it was really cute! Italian is either 'tanto' or 'molto.'

So I walked back over to the florist and the guy my H said he'd talked to was out front. He looked at me all sheepish as I was arriving. i wondered what he was thinking. He took me over to the tree my H had set aside for me and it was really beautiful, but gynormous, for a castle. So I said it's far too big for my house. There were other trees and I found a smaller, narrower one, still that lovely blue fir that doesn't lose its needles, which I think will be perfect for us. The guy is going to deliver it to me in the morning and cut it to size for my room, how wonderful!

Then I go to pay and he says absolutely not! In Italy it's quite common to 'pay later.' So I thought he meant this and I said, 'Oh, ok, you want me to pass by next week.' He said, 'No, I cannot accept payment. The gentleman who came yesterday, then he looks at me and says, you know who I mean?' I say, yes. He says, 'He insisted that you are not to pay. In fact, the gentleman said that he was going to phone me today with your address for me to deliver it because he wanted it to be a surprise, so just as well you came by so I didn't have to bring it back.' Maybe H decided once he got home that I had better go check it out first.

So I thought this was quite a nice gesture from my H. He's not done anything for us for any of the Christmases since BD. A free, delivered, and sawed to size tree is actually a very nice Christmas gift for me and the kids.  In the past, my poor D22 (only D17 the first year) got up the ladder with an electric saw to try to chop the tree to size. Quite dangerous and also quite the sight. She was in her underwear and swearing her head off because it was really hard to do.

I wrote a brief email to H to thank him for the kind thought.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.


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