[Treasur]

I hope that lots of readers, not just Anon, can see that there is no right answer to the question just the one that feels right for you. I suspect we may each need to have reached a certain point before we can do that though....maybe detached enough from the chapter but close enough to remember how the story was? Idk.

Barbie, one of the things I love most about you is your searing honesty. It may be an uncomfortable gift to live with, but I see it as a rare and beautiful one. And one that helps others a lot. Your description of how this experience culls so much of ones own foundation was how it was for me certainly. Nothing made sense to me including myself. And that is very frightening as a place to be. We make choices in that vacuum the best we can don't we? In your case eventually to allow your h back, in mine to stay as far away from him as I could. I am often grateful that God didn't answer my early prayers bc if he had I think it would have killed me or I'd have lost my mind. He knew more than I did lol...I did not have in me whatever was needed to stay connected to my h as he was then. I have always assumed that they, even post crisis, have no real grasp on our experience as indeed probably we can't grasp theirs entirely either. But life is different once those paths diverge whether we like it or not and we figure it out as separate people I think. Those two separate people may be able to reintroduce themselves to each other and even reconcile, but there was a time of two paths. I have often wondered whether part of your experience is that in reality you had less of a reconciling h for a few years and more a livein MLCer - with the timescale of that - who ran home as quickly as he ran away from home.

I have often wondered off and on if there is a peculiar symmetry in the stages of an MLC and in an LBS crisis. Is our obsession with MLC a kind of LBS Eascape & Avoid? Can GAL become our version of Replay? Both seem to take a remarkably long time lol. If the psychological goal of both, in an ideal world, is some kind of Integration of who we were and are and want to be, perhaps these kinds of questions are part of that process for some of us.

[barbiedoll]

I have often wondered off and on if there is a peculiar symmetry in the stages of an MLC and in an LBS crisis. Is our obsession with MLC a kind of LBS Eascape & Avoid? Can GAL become our version of Replay? Both seem to take a remarkably long time lol. If the psychological goal of both, in an ideal world, is some kind of Integration of who we were and are and want to be, perhaps these kinds of questions are part of that process for some of us.

.

There is profound truth in these words...I believe it is indeed what I have and continue to experience.

[KeepItTogether]

For me, I would say it was worth it. And not just b/c of my S. I did have a good marriage. We had some good times--many in fact. Until he lost his sh!te anyway. LOL. But I was a different person then. I can see it now. It took this crisis for me to wake up. Has it been excruciating? Ummmmm, yes. Extremely. But would I have learned the lessons I needed to learn if it hadn't happened? Maybe not. Maybe I would have proceeded forward in my life, doing everything for the "family", always being the one to make all sacrifices and letting life unfold without my wants/needs taken into consideration. I don't think H necessarily drove me to this. It's just that he has always been on the self-centered side, and I am a fixer/planner/doer. I tried to make everything perfect. And in the process nearly killed myself. Cancer and a MLC jettisoned me onto a different path. I am more patient, humble and kind than I was before. I appreciate every moment with my S. But I also do things for me now. B/c I know that I need to put the oxygen on myself first before I can help anyone else.

[Maleficent]

Was it worth it?  No.  Not today anyway.  If not for my son, I might say it was not worth it at all.  In a funny way, h’s MLC might have been the making of my son – taking him from a charmed life and teaching him about love and commitment and responsibility. 

I have read all of your answers and I see myself in your words.  Like NYM said though, it might not be healthy to ask this question now (like flogging ourselves with a chain), yet this is the spot my IC brought me to, in her quest to get me to accept the death of my M. 

If you asked me at BD, or the day after, or the month after, or six months after, I would have said, yes, definitely.  A month before he left, I remember thinking that we found “happily ever after.”  Our marriage was not perfect, but it was good and it had many seasons.  But 2 years in, I am now thinking of all the sacrifices I made, personally, professionally in my career, and financially.  I lost myself in this marriage.  I might have been the only one of us trying to hold everything together.  I saw some cracks before we married, but I believed that love would triumph.  And maybe there were many many good times over the 30 years, but my IC has brought me to a low place where I, too, have re-written our history negatively.  And, in turn, I regret the paths not taken, and I am sad and often feel worthless.  And, now I am left to rebuild, without all the tools and all the pieces.

I am taking to heart Nerissa’s comment that maybe like a motion picture, there is fluidity in this answer.  But not today, today I am angry and regretful. 

Until my story is finally over, I will never know if was truly worth it.  So every day, I will have a different answer to this question.  My little auntie who is well over 100, says that life is like a long walk and we see and do many things along the way…..

[Anon]

I have continued to ponder if it was worth it since I posted this yesterday.  The comments all give me another perspective to consider and Malificient,,, it was interesting to read that your IC intentionally brought you to this point so you could accept and mourn the death of your M.   I never thought of it from that angle but I think this could be exactly why this question just recently popped into my consciousness.  It's my mind perhaps finally willing to pull whatever life support is left on my M and just let it die.   

It's been a awhile now since I could visualize a reconciliation.   My h has shown me over and over again in various ways that he is not someone that deserves to be in my life.   But then,,, I am still so damaged, and the pain continues.   Why still so much pain?  Especially if I see him as someone I no longer want in my life, not that he's asking right now but I believe he will one day.   I definitely don't like him, and probably don't love him either.  I see him as the scumbag he has likely been his whole adult life. 

The only answer I can come up with is the on-going pain has nothing to do with him being gone from my life, but all the other things I lost when he blew up my world.  Tangible and intangible things.   The damage is extensive.  I will recover but I'll never be the same.    He's gone but many of the wounds he inflicted are still open, raw and  bleeding.   I'm not even sure how to heal those wounds.   All I know is the wounds were caused by him but it has nothing to do with the fact that he is gone and I don't miss him or want him back.  I think it has a lot to do with being collateral damage for someone so selfish that what it did to me simply didn't matter to him and wasn't even considered.  It was a completely inhumane act against me that I never in my wildest imagination could ever happen.  Sure, it's always possible a marriage will end but I never in a million years thought it would be this way and I surely didn't appreciate the horrible wounds that are inflicted when it does end this way.   The inhumanity of it,,, whether it comes from someone you love or someone you have never known who treats you inhumanly,,, is an incredibly deep wound that may bleed for a long time.  The realization that MLC or not, my h had it in him to do such a horrible thing to another person is horrifying to me.  Even more horrifying is he did it to me,,, after giving him 21 years of my life when he was my world and I treated him as such.  How on earth could I ever go back and say anything other than,,, I would not do it again,,, not in a million years.   Whatever other choice I could make would unlikely lead me to anything as dehumanizing and painful as this choice was.   I keep coming back to the same answer.   I would not do it again.  This has to be one of the worst outcomes ever and I wish I had a crystal ball back then, because I wonder if I will ever get past the pain of being dehumanized and tossed aside.   I will get past it but it will take a long time, and a lot of patience from anyone who is interested in me enough to try to gain my trust.  I'm old enough that what's happened to me could be a life sentence.  I hope not, but I know I still have a long way to go to get over the pain I'm feeling right now. 

And,,, ugh,,, I know this is wrong and I have to work on this,,, but I hope he and she rot in hell for all they knowingly did to me for their own shallow pleasures.  I need to forgive them both but in reality,,, I actually hate them both with such intensity because I was simply collateral damage and it almost destroyed me. 



 

[megogirl]

Anon

I posted the perfect meme today for our situation(s)...it read:

"Forgiving you means I no longer dwell on what an @$$hole you are. 
It doesn't mean you're no longer an @$$hole."

Yassssss

[Shacon]

Oh Anon, how true your words are. I am 5.5 years post BD. I was married for 23 years at the time of BD. Like you, I am past the point of wanting reconciliation. I don’t miss him or want him in my life anymore. But I still feel this deep pain every day. What they did to us is soul destroying. For me it is still the picking up the pieces of what was once a comfortable life. The finances are still recovering and a big worry to me. Both my kids are in university and have loans. I am helping them as much as I can. The house I am trying to keep which has had to have many repairs done all of which I have been responsible for. The way they leave without a care in the world still is inconceivable to me. The complete lack of responsibility for their former life. For a long time post BD, years, I saw the depression and thought he would eventually come out of it. I have seen glimpses over the years. But now I believe he is this person. I have finally accepted this is who he is and like it or not I have to GAL and move on.
But back to your question. Would I do it again if I knew? Absolutely not. Never.

[Helpingme!]

Anon
I used to scream out I HATE YOU!! As loud as I could. It may have been at my mirror or just driving down the road. Is it right or wrong?? Who cares. We are not perfect.
At the time I really though I hated her and OMa$$ and trust me I wished things on them like burning in hell and alot more. I think it's part of moving on. I had to get to that stage to heal myself. So don't worry about being wrong(ever) just keep moving forward.