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Author Topic: My Story Acceptance Feels like Death

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My Story Acceptance Feels like Death
OP: December 09, 2019, 06:59:28 AM
Well, I think I finally arrived at the acceptance stage and quite frankly instead of the peaceful feeling I expected it feels like a fresh death.

Old thread  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11104.msg751852#msg751852

Quick recap.
BD June 2017 via text - OW is High School Sweetheart - first year almost no contact, second year more regular contacts and I got my hopes up just to face reality now. He is gone, has been gone and while still confused, he might be gone forever.
Until now I bathed in that lovely pink bubble of denial and hoped and hoped and dang I am all out of hope now. Not sure what caused this sudden realization but it's here and its raw and cold.

I is now that I feel I stand at the graveside of my M and wonder what to do now.
What do I want to do with my life ?
Will I be lonely forever ?
I don't want to date and I do not want anybody else in my life, and I do keep busy and have friends, but I miss having my person. My ride and die buddy, my sexy H that still gave me butterflies after 17 years, my shoulder to rest on - I miss him dreadfully and I miss the intimacy of knowing somebody so well that they've become a part of you.
Where to go from here - I have no idea, so I will just linger and figure things out one day at a time.

Thank you everyone for still riding along this long and windy road that nobody knows where it leads to - I appreciate everybody on this forum more than I can ever say
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« Last Edit: December 09, 2019, 07:01:03 AM by Schratz66 »
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#1: December 09, 2019, 07:07:02 AM
Attaching
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#2: December 09, 2019, 07:10:18 AM
Where to go from here - I have no idea, so I will just linger and figure things out one day at a time.

Schratz, i am so sorry that you feel like this but it is perfectly normal. The reality can be overwhelmen and you see Questionmarks everywhere. Please dont "linger", Keep rolling, Keep your head up and soldier on. You will be just fine, you are strong.
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Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#3: December 09, 2019, 07:18:57 AM
I truly do know how you feel Schratz...These are the times when you must have faith,have faith that Gods will will be done no matter what it is...
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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#4: December 09, 2019, 07:24:24 AM
Attaching... 

Idk if I'm at the same stage as you, but "feels like death" strikes the chord big time.  Be kind and gracious to yourself.

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Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#5: December 09, 2019, 07:50:18 AM
It is normal, dear girl.
And it does seem to work a bit like a funeral first. And feeling like a widow. Which sucks, feels weird and is very difficult to explain in RL.
But we will walk with you and this time will pass, I promise.
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« Last Edit: December 09, 2019, 07:51:19 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#6: December 09, 2019, 08:55:28 AM
With you Schratz, I’m at the same place, same timeline, same emotions, same stage, and yes, it feels like a new death. Maybe though, this is your LBS bottom, from where the good stuff grows. That is my prayer for you.
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BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#7: December 09, 2019, 09:17:25 AM
S,

I don't think Acceptance is a bad thing, not at all.  I believe it has to happen for your healing to really begin.

It's facing reality, no longer fooling yourself, and maybe the feeling of it like a death is because you had to ditch those rose colored glasses finally.
It's more the death of your innocence, which I honestly think we all have to do eventually.

The innocence your marriage held is gone.  The is the one thing all these MLCer's take from us.

You are going to find your way S.  I have no doubts about that.  You are a strong woman.

Hugs
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#8: December 09, 2019, 10:19:22 AM
S--acceptance is a very important, albeit painful, part of this journey. But I have found that once we feel that pain, it is easier to move forward. Change is painful. Hoping there is a bight rainbow at the end of this metamorphosis. I know there is.
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H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#9: December 09, 2019, 10:43:59 AM
Wow, yes.
When you get to that point in grief where you say “This happened.  It really DID happen.”
And then you face the grief head on, with open eyes.

I am sorry for your loss.
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me 56, H 52
S14, S10 & S10
M 1/98

7/16 - BD - PA - OW
Monster until 1/17
T&Gs until 8/18
No legal action

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#10: December 09, 2019, 10:50:14 AM
I'm so sorry that you are suffering. I know this is painful and seemingly never ending, but it is a step in the right direction of your journey. It does have to happen and it's not a bad thing, just a really difficult thing to work through, but you will. You will get through this and heal. It might be baby steps, but they are moving forward. Go at your own pace S66. God does have a plan, we don't always know the in and outs of it, or why it doesn't align with what we want for that matter, but He has a plan for you and He's got you covered!!  :) Big Hugs!!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
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M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#11: December 09, 2019, 11:52:17 AM
For some of us, time doesn't seem to make a difference in how we feel, how much we miss them and how we are still attracted to them.

Acceptance that I feel this way and that there is NOTHING wrong in feeling this way is how I live now. He is still very much a part of my thoughts and I see him as well......so what is there to do but accept that I do not know what is going to happen in the future and try and live each day in a place of contentment.

I have tried many many things to block him out of my thoughts, it is just not going to happen for me.

Seems a bit cruel that we cannot just shut the door and walk away, heal and resolve whatever feelings we once had...but MLC is such a bizarre situation to be in...especially when they pop up in your life...and you can feel that connection even for a moment again and you know, they feel it too!

Holiday time makes it all more acute.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#12: December 09, 2019, 02:53:27 PM
Schratz, continuing to walk this long and lonely painful road with you.  It does feel raw and cold, but I look at those who traveled before us, and they are at a better place in the journey than we are now.  Both of us need to peek at the sun a little more and look for those rainbows.  Hugs.
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BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#13: December 10, 2019, 01:45:42 AM
Schratz, I was thinking about the title of your thread, and I'm going to agree that acceptance feels like death. Reaching the acceptance place is needed, though. I'm kind of there at the moment, and am relieved to be here, but it is a sad place too, because it's a place with very little or no hope. It's a place of having to let go of the dream of our Hs coming home. And it has nothing to do with whether our Hs wake up or not, it's to do with us, we reach a place where it's all over. There will be mourning at this point. I'm at this place now, too. I'm grateful to be at this point, I'm hoping if I get through this mourning stage, I will be freed up of my love/waiting for H. I'm hoping this will be where my co-dependency might end.

I have no magic solutions to feel better, just wanted to share my thoughts. xxx
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#14: December 10, 2019, 07:05:55 PM
Continuing on your journey with you, S66.  I'm sending support and encouragement.  The way through is tough and sometimes I wonder if there is an end to it.  I just keep moving forward and living one day at a time.  Maybe that's how it will always be.  I don't know and I try to just stay present in each day and live it to the fullest. 

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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#15: December 17, 2019, 12:09:17 PM
Hi Schratz,

I've been away for awhile but am so glad to be here now and read how you are doing.  I think you are so incredibly strong.  Good for you to get to this stage.  I can imagine it's tough (I'm not quite there yet) but so brave of you.  I like what Milly said, that "it has more to do with us, we reach a place where it's all over."  You are amazing and strong!  Just keep doing the next right thing for yourself.  xoxoxo
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Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Divorced as of January 2019
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 59
OW? I don't know - probably plural

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#16: December 18, 2019, 08:08:35 AM
Thank you everybody for still coming along with me - I cannot say how much your words of support and wisdom mean to me.
I think these MLC know when we are getting to a better place where we try to heal.
They must smell it in the air....

Had another friendly chit chat visitor at my desk again this morning - no reason...just stopping by.....he still cannot look me in the eyes, but it's no longer the dead shark eyes it was before so I guess his guilt is wearing off. Still as clueless as ever on how these stop-ins affect me but today's wasn't as bad as others.
I haven't fled to the bathroom yet and hopefully i wont as I have a job interview this afternoon and I don't need to show up as the red eyed Goobly Gook.

Still no clue why he feels the need to stop by - other than to see I am still where he left me or to prove to himself what a great guy he is since he can be amicable with me, but in the end I will never know nor does it really matter.

D came home for Semester break and we decorated our Christmas tree and have been making homemade gifts and it has been nice to have company.

I hope everyone here is able to get some joy out of the Christmas season no matter how small - my daily joy is to look at my daughter and be grateful she is alive and well and that we have a roof over our head, food in the fridge and money in the bank.



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Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#17: December 18, 2019, 08:30:47 AM
Be proud Schratz of who you are and who you are becoming . You are indeed as strong as women come and I admire how you have walked this incredibly painful path. And still you are on your feet and doing what mom's do. I know you have suffered and I am so very sorry. Christmas will have some hard moments but there is a new year on the horizon and great things come to women just like you .

Yes, stops to chat could be for many reasons as you stated . I also would find that incredibly painful but your actions prove you are getting stronger and stronger . We have many similarities . I remember being at work at getting an email from him to my work computer. The truth is ..I made my co-worker ( a great friend) open it and read it . My hands just shook and indeed end up in the bathroom just a mess. I went zero contact ..never ever called him, saw him, answered him or responded . I just could not have anything to do with him , the shock was that deep. So, you can tolerate visits to your desk ...I am in awe of how you manage it . YOU have come a long long way my friend.
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#18: December 18, 2019, 08:52:35 AM
Acceptance - yes, what a strong word.
So powerful and so necessary.
Attaching S66.
Sending Hugs

Sea

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#19: December 20, 2019, 05:04:29 AM
Last Day of work until New Years and we have Ugly Christmas Sweater Day and a gift exchange and I was all Ms Positive Pants and was going to have a great day as MLC normally skips Fridays at work. Should have known....first thing I see when pulling in is his truck which means he is heading to OW for Christmas straight after work.
Why that still hits me like boulder smashing me to the ground - I don't know. But it does and I blame the holiday hormones or something as I am sitting in the bathroom at 8.04 am with my Christmas Sweater crying bitter tears of loss and love and grief.

I just want to go home or run away or crawl in that cave
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Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#20: December 20, 2019, 05:16:25 AM
Oh Schratz I’m sorry. I know that pain you’re feeling. Nowadays when I have confirmation of my H going to Ow, I tell myself ‘good! The more time they spend together, the more my H’s OW becomes annoying the more they fight. And I no longer believe their Christmasses are lovey dovey. When you have years of Christmasses one way (with us) where they loved Christmas, there’s no way they don't compare or feel nostalgic. Even if they have a pleasant Christmas, I think we become an elephant in their room.

I hope you wore your sweater into work and let good people surround you with cheer and laughter. Shake it off, Schratz, or imagine swinging a giant dustbin lid on your H’s face when he comes to mind. That’s what I do. Mine is a big stainless steel round one.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#21: December 20, 2019, 05:18:29 AM
S66 -

Your post made me so sad for you.
We try so hard to put on a "happy face".  It sounded like a great start of a day, only to be ruined by what you saw.  I'm so sorry that you got sad seeing his truck in the parking lot.  It's amazing how these things hit us when we think everything's under control.

I hope that the rest of your Friday goes well, and that you don that Christmas Sweater like nobody's business!  You're the queen, whether you feel like it or not. 

Hugs,
Sea
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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#22: December 20, 2019, 06:18:02 AM
66 - no way round it, loss and grief just sucks. And jumps up and smashes you round the head out of nowhere sometimes. I get it. I hated the grief, really hated it, hated the me doing it, so I am not going to BS you about it.

I heard a podcast say that it isn't just the loss of the person....a betrayed spouse listed over 120 things that he thought he had to work through grief about after a long marriage. And they reconciled but he had still lost those things anyway......grrr. But he also said he thought he had to look at his losses honestly in order to know he was actually grieving and accepting and making peace with.

But here is what I learned is also true.
It feels like it might but grief will not kill you.
It is possible to have grief and a kind of low key calm of small pleasures in the same day.
The grief is about the last chapters of acceptance....but after acceptance comes new hope for different things. Like spring after winter. It always comes.
This break of time is a gift for you. No need to see his fake smarmy pathetic face. No need to pretend anything to anyone actually. You can do as much or as little as you want...just try to keep on with that hunt for small pleasures bc they turn into a snowball of peace and even joy with a little time.
And how Christmassy is that right? X
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« Last Edit: December 20, 2019, 06:43:07 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#23: December 20, 2019, 07:32:23 AM
Milly - you made me laugh out loud - and I shall picture that trash can lid now.....thank you so much

Sea - thank you so much

Treasur - as always you are so wise and I know wisdom comes from pain and loss and I very much appreciate your view of things. And of course it's not just the person we grieve, it is all our aspects of our lives that no longer are.

Back out of the bathroom now - tears wiped off and mascara reapplied - head held high with my ugly Christmas sweater and I am trying to stay in the moment surrounded by fabulous co-workers and great food and many laughs.
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Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#24: December 20, 2019, 07:56:21 AM
S66 - Great recovery!
Have an enjoyable pre-Christmas day with your co-workers.

Save that trash can lid for later!

Sea
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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#25: December 20, 2019, 08:21:15 AM
And there you go, 66, well done you  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#26: December 20, 2019, 10:49:05 AM
You go S66! Way to bounce back! Big Hugs! I can kinda hear the clang of that giant lid connecting when need be!! ::)
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M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#27: December 25, 2019, 08:51:00 AM
If you need proof that MLC are looney - picture this.
H is spending Christmas with OW and her family and yet at 930 am he thinks about me and sends me the generic Merry Christmas schratz66!!!

Why not either be all in with her or leave her ?

He is still stuck between two chairs - neither all there nor here.

It has to be exhausting to them.

Me, I know who I love and who I want to be with and that hasn’t waivered in 25 years. It’s the one thing I’ve always been sure of.
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Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#28: December 25, 2019, 05:25:36 PM
Yes S66 - That's MLC!!

They want what they want, and expect that it is normal and okay.
A bit of self=focus on his side - thinking of you evenjhough he's left you.
Pretty typical, I think...

Hope that your day was wonderful and that the text this morning didn't throw you too far for a loop.

Sea
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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#29: December 26, 2019, 08:37:21 AM
Such entitlement, right?   It's all about who he wants contact with and not about who he could be hurting. You are awesome Schratz, so strong!  It takes a really strong person to be able to go through this with love in your heart.  You continue to inspire me.
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Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Divorced as of January 2019
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 59
OW? I don't know - probably plural

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#30: January 08, 2020, 08:11:46 AM
Not much new to report other than I am glad the holidays are over. Same bland, generic greeting at 9 pm on New Years eve to have a Happy New Year - first one he wished me in 3 years...of course for a second I thought why isn't he with her on New Years eve...then I remembered that it doesn't really matter where he is as long as he is still not with me.

Finished another 5k and the my biking group ladies and I have booked our next girls trip in April....D is heading back to school for her last semester and I am still focusing on staying in the moment, appreciating all my blessings and rediscovering my faith.

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Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#31: January 08, 2020, 08:38:00 AM
Thanks for the update Schratz! We’re you running and biking before BD, or are those things you have taken up since? I love to hear about how people have incorporated GAL activities!
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BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
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D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#32: January 08, 2020, 09:10:59 AM
Congrats on your 5K and cheers to booking another! Having something to look forward to helps! Your doing awesome S66!

Hugs N Prayers,
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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#33: January 14, 2020, 12:27:49 PM
Thanks Fear...
3Boys - I did not take up running or biking until recently...as a matter of fact - I was not a fan of exercise at all - but I had to find something to wear me out physically and make me concentrate on physical pain rather than emotional pain. So, when I am riding up hill and my lung hurts and my legs want to fall off, at least my heart and soul is not hurting. And biking I could take up without being in shape....now we have a Thursday evening biking group of 5 ladies and we ride about 15 miles and then go out to eat - it's a lot of fun.

D is back at school and as always the first few days of being alone again are hard to get used to. And so the monkeys are running free range and dragging up past conversations about him wanting me in his life and him loving me and blablabla and none of it matters as long as he is still with her...…
Heavy heart but hopefully tomorrow things will be easier again...….

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#34: January 14, 2020, 03:04:31 PM
Schratz, Your words are so relatable.  What a great outlet for you!  Why do these MLCers often say these things while still with another women.  Crazy.  Haha, I don’t have that problem, mine always tells me he doesn’t love me.  I’m not sure which is worse.

Anyways, I hope you have peace this evening.
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April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#35: January 17, 2020, 05:18:06 PM
Strangely I am struggling more now that the holidays are over. Could be stupid Valentine’s Day and all the hype coming up or could be being alone again.
Could be seeing his truck again at work each day.

I do try to stay busy but how do we ever get rid of this loneliness, the yearning for our person...


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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#36: January 17, 2020, 05:25:14 PM
Oh, Schratz, I hear you. It is so hard to stop that lonely feeling. But January, post Christmas does make it so much harder. Accept that it's this time of the year and it will pass.

Your very clever idea to bike to stop the heart pain by covering it with physical pain was brilliant. Your girlie group of bikers is wonderful. You are doing so great. Give it more time for your heart to forget a bit more, and for your wonderful activities to make you feel good about yourself. My experience has shown me that whether I tried or not, the passing of time kept easing my pain. It will happen to you, too. That yearning feeling will gradually fade. And I'm not associating to the MLCer. It has nothing to do with whether the MLCer will deal with their crisis or not. Whatever they do, eventually we will hurt less. That is a good thing.

Keep doing what you're doing. You'll get there.
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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#37: January 18, 2020, 08:49:20 AM
Wow Schratz! A 5k and biking!  I'm so impressed!  For me, the no contact has been easier to handle.  I can pretty much do that we just communicate when necessary through email.  Also the fact that he is a mega-monster helps as well :-).  So please give yourself credit for the fact that you are dealing with seeing him or his truck often and you are handling things really well despite that.  When I find that I am dealing with my MLCer overly much for some reason, it sends me into a bit of a tailspin.  So I think you continue to be awesome!  Don't underestimate the trauma we have been through.  I'm pretty sure we all have PTSD, so be gentle and compassionate to yourself, you so deserve it!  xoxo
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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#38: January 21, 2020, 11:02:25 AM
Thank you Milly and Fam,
I do hope it is just the time of year and I do hope that with more time this loneliness will pass just like the gut wrenching pain eased with time as all the brilliant LBS on here told me it would. Of course it still hurts, but its more of a chronic, low level sadness most days with occasional gut wrenching flare ups.
Fam, i do believe we truly have been traumatized and have PTSD.
I also firmly believe in the mind - body connection and that too much emotional pain can manifest itself in disease, which I really do not want, so I keep trying and trying to let go and let God. Some days more successful then others and I really do think that once I can find another job away from him and the truck, I could let go a little bit more.

A friend of mine said that she thinks that I have to actively become friends with MLC to show him what he is missing. I always reply when he contacts and I mirror his style, but I am not ready to keep contacting him to try to strike up a casual buddy friendship. 

D settled back in at school - her final semester and she is so excited to graduate in May. On a sad note we just found out that the other grand-rat has a tumor as well and only weeks / months to live. So many losses these last few years it makes you not want to get attached to anything any more.
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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#39: January 21, 2020, 01:42:52 PM
Can I join you please on the "I hate Valentine's Day" parade? OMG. Hearts everywhere. I want to puke.

About actively pursuing a friendship with H? Hmmmm. I agree that closing him off is not productive. But I am not so sure any kind of pursuit is good in the MLC realm. You can be kind and patient and loving in response to him. But otherwise, let him be. Reach out to him only if you are genuinely guided to do so. For me, it was reaching out to H on the anniversary of his grandmother's death. I knew it was a very difficult day for him so I reached out. And then let him be as you have been doing. You need to heal too.

Hugs friend. 
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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#40: January 22, 2020, 09:04:38 AM
Schratz, Just following along and thinking of you and the loneliness and sadness you express.  Outwardly, though I think you are doing admirably and I am envious of the girlie bike group (but I never had the balance to bike.  I am using yoga for the same physical focus you mentioned to drive away the thoughts). 

I agree with KIT, just take it slowly and respond graciously as you have so as not to pursue.  But, nothing wrong with those heartfelt reasons to express human caring.  Your instincts about not becoming a casual buddy seem sound. 

I am sorry about grand ratty and I understand how you feel about attaching to anything now.  Will D move closer to you when she graduates?  Can you plan a nice way to celebrate her graduation that can bring you both together with joy? 
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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#41: January 29, 2020, 11:07:38 AM
Thank you KIT and Mal - I appreciate your wisdom and yes, I will reach out for his upcoming birthday with a casual Happy Birthday but nothing more.
Sometimes it seems like we make little progress but it is in the small things I notice that I am moving along.
Saw his truck again today and ran into him in the hallway and he just said: How have you been and I just answered I've been doing good and kept walking. The same co-worker that suggested purposefully pursuing a friendship with MLC happened to watch the brief encounter and said it seems we are both awkward and walking on egg shells.
I just replied, i didn't create the awkward and walked away.
 
Long story short - as a codependent previously I would have monkey brained and thought of ways to make things unawkward. Possibly reaching out and apologizing for the awkward situation.
Today - when the thought hit me....I just thought - I did not create the awkwardness, I have done nothing to contribute to the awkwardness and it is not mine to fix. Yes, the fixer in me wants to fix it, but no, new and improved schratz won't let her. I have nothing to apologize for and I do not need to reach out to him and explain away awkwardness. So, some times I can see small little steps to growth within me.

Mal - D would like to teach in the school that she is interning in which is 3 hours away and I would love for her to do that because she loves the kids and the rural setting and all. We do plan on having a nice graduation and a fun mother / daughter trip this summer...she just cannot decide where she wants to travel to :)

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#42: January 30, 2020, 02:04:13 PM
Well I for one am so happy you opted NOT to apologize for the awkward encounter. I mean, it is awkward. You are married. He cheated. and now you are separated. If you are comfortable with that situation, you may need to have your head, or heart, examined. ;)

I have many awkward encounters with H. They are all pretty superficial. And then sometimes he goes in for a hug and I freeze. B/c maybe we haven't hugged in a year. Oh, and he has a girlfriend. And right, we are still married. LOL. My point is, it is going to be awkward until it isn't. I'm glad you gave your fixer self a break form that. And what good advice for me too b/c I often apologize to H for stupid things I had no control of. Fixer  party member over here too.

You are absolutely growing my friend. It's hard to see when we are so close. But I have seen much detachment in you over the last year. Hugs friend.
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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#43: January 31, 2020, 09:26:01 AM
S66- Realizing that the awkwardness is not yours to fix is a big step, I think!! Nothing easy about changing the patterns of fixing that seem pretty much hardwired into us "fixers". Kudos to you my friend! Well done!

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#44: February 07, 2020, 07:08:32 AM
Not unpacking in Pity land, and I know I will be just fine....
Just some days it still hits me like a load of bricks that the one person that I had known for 25 years, the person that I trusted more than anyone, the person that I would have laid my life down that he would never hurt me, the person that I thought had integrity and courage.....that that person betrayed me in the most cowardly way - it still boggles my mind some days and today is one of those days that I wonder how I could have been so wrong about him.

But back to the regularly scheduled program of focusing on finding another job. Looking forward to another 5 k event tomorrow and then next Friday off to see grandrat and D.

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#45: February 07, 2020, 07:16:11 AM
It's ok S, I think that after shock does hit us sometimes, doesn't it?

Like wtf happened?  Then it goes away.
It has to be one of the most confusing conditions ever!  Even though I rarely think about it anymore, I know I will truly never understand it.

Good luck on your race!   8)

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« Last Edit: February 07, 2020, 07:20:19 AM by Thunder »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#46: February 07, 2020, 07:18:39 AM
today is one of those days that I wonder how I could have been so wrong about him.

I beg to differ, Schratz...
It’s not that YOU were wrong about him. 
He is so wrong about himself right now. 
He won’t be right about himself until he wrestles with his issues and resolves them.  It’s all in his hands.

In the mean time, Schratz will keep running her 5Ks and literally move forward.   Hugs. :)
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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#47: February 07, 2020, 07:30:53 AM
You were not wrong about him. Every one of us could say the same thing about our spouses...how it was impossible to ever consider that they would do this.

MLC. It is real and it is the reason why they are so unrecognizable.

Hard for us to "believe" this because in many ways they "appear" normal and function well in life.

I get to see my husband, I actually spend time with him and on the surface he seems sort of normal but then I see, I see things about him that are just so darn unusual and strange.

Something happened to them Schartz....it is a tremendous loss and our grief for once was is very normal.

The thoughts are bound to come into our minds....when I read all the stories I have read over the years, and have people in real life who are also experiencing this, I know without a shadow of a doubt that MLC happened. We are unfortunately the collateral damage to their crisis.
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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#48: February 07, 2020, 08:38:04 AM
today is one of those days that I wonder how I could have been so wrong about him.

I beg to differ, Schratz...
It’s not that YOU were wrong about him. 
He is so wrong about himself right now. 
He won’t be right about himself until he wrestles with his issues and resolves them.  It’s all in his hands.

In the mean time, Schratz will keep running her 5Ks and literally move forward.   Hugs. :)

Acorn is quite right.
How can anyone know the damaged bits of another unless they share them with us? Your h is lost to himself right now. You were right and normal in your love and trust and liking for him based on the man he was then. It is not wrong to trust and love imho or to adapt when things change.
What matters now is how YOU get and stay right with yourself. Let him go with God and your prayers while you stay right with you, my friend. And you are doing just fine. X
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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#49: February 07, 2020, 03:59:11 PM
Oh, Scharatz, I've felt just like you so many times: today is one of those days that I wonder how I could have been so wrong about him. It took me a very long time to realize that the person I met at first seemed like a good man. We didn't knowingly choose to marry bad people. They appeared good when we met them. We are not stupid. This MLC can make us question our capacity to judge a good man from a bad one. But our Hs were not bad when we met them. Their issues developed over time and then something caused the crisis to occur. We all have little damaged bits about us, but that doesn't mean we will destroy others because of it. Our Hs are profoundly damaged. We don't know if they will ever heal because only they, the damaged one, can provide the cure. But that doesn't mean that we could have known that this would happen.

Have a great race. Blank out your mind of the MLC stuff and just focus on your now. Smell the flowers.
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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#50: February 10, 2020, 02:02:19 PM
Schratz, Right there alongside you, although not on the 5k.  Hope it went well!

The others all spoke more eloquently than I can, but just wanted to say hello and echo their thoughts.

Treasur's sentence spoke volumes to me today -

Quote
How can anyone know the damaged bits of another unless they share them with us?
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Acceptance Feels like Death
#51: February 29, 2020, 04:55:05 PM
Hey S66!  I'm sorry to hear about the grandrats, and the squirrel.  So sad.

I've been missing you all and trying to catch back up.  It's so crazy to me that March is right around the corner.

You definitely didn't make it awkward, he did.  So yes, it's not up to you to fix it.
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Acceptance Feels like Death
#52: March 03, 2020, 11:22:14 AM
Thank you again everybody for your responses and Welcome back Faith.
Not much has ben going on - had some good weeks just running, doing 5ks and enjoying time with my friends, applying for more jobs and just living life as best as I could. D did retake the big exam and passed and so now we can start looking forward to graduation in May.

Last week my mom was admitted to the hospital in Germany for suspected fluid in the lung, which turned out an incorrect diagnosis - they ran all kinds of tests and the matter of the fact is that from 30 years of heavy drinking her heart muscle thickened and her heart is getting weaker affecting her lung. While in the hospital, my brother (who normally has no contact with mom) decided to show up and visit her with his newest girlfriend.
Of course he is still married and of course his wife is unaware and he put my mom in a horrible position, because she was an LBS and started drinking because of the entire OW situation with my dad and here is my brother flaunting his newest conquest and expecting my mom to be happy about it.

Currently debating if I need to fly overseas to see my mom - my brother says yes, my mom says no because there is nothing new wrong with her - they are just adjusting her medication for her heart. It has been a very emotional few days to say the least. So, then today - during my lunch break, I check the oil in my care because it is old and burns oil and I like to stay on top of it. I guess MLC saw me from afar and yelled if I had trouble with my car. I just shook my head, closed the hood and went back to my office.

And this is where it happened. For the first time in almost three years since BD - I got mad. I am angry. Truly and honestly angry at MLC. How dare he ask and pretend to care if I had car trouble? He had not cared if I even had a car, if I had food in the house or if my D is even still alive for three years and he has the nerve to casually ask if I have car trouble. Remember when I was always envious about those LBS that were angry because i thought it would be easier....well, I am angry now. Angry at the way he left, angry at the selfishness, angry at him lying in November about things coming to a head with OW (which of course caused expectations in me),  angry about being thrown into this survival mode that none of us asked for.

But, if I look at it this way - I must be moving forward, healing and doing something different for this anger to appear. Not sure I like it - it still gives him too much space in my head and I do not like being angry. Hoping it is just a momentary flame of rage that will settle back down to me just living my life while he is doing whatever. I am not sure he will ever deal with his issues, so chances of him returning are pretty slim to none, but I have found a decent way to spend my days and enjoy life.

Thank you all for still hanging with me.
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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#53: March 03, 2020, 01:40:08 PM
Sorry hon, but sometimes this anger needs to come out.  I believe it is perfectly normal and healthy.

What he has done to you was unkind and you did nothing to deserve it.
I'm glad you shook your head and left.

It is none of his concern if you are having car trouble, is it?

Good for you.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
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Acceptance Feels like Death
#54: March 03, 2020, 05:44:37 PM
Hi Schratz,
Good to hear from you- I had been wondering how you were doing.  And, I'm with you on the anger. It has come late to me as well. But, there's something to be said for necessary anger when they "pop in" when we least expect them- not there for any of the tough awful things and then they play Mr Nice Guy.  I am not comfortable with sustained anger, but I cannot get rid of it right now- just like grief bursts, I am having anger bursts. I think it is one of those necessary stages of recovery.

 And, I'm sorry about your mom and her health problems. I wish she weren't so far away from you. Maybe you could try to get over there and see for yourself. Sending good thoughts.

Congratulations to your D on her exam.  Great news!

Take care of yourself.
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Acceptance Feels like Death
#55: March 03, 2020, 10:23:29 PM
Took me a long time to feel angry and stay angry. I didn't like it much but I agree with others that it is part of the healing process. Imho, there are two types....a kind of rage that you want to direct at them and a kind of FU feeling which is fuel for detaching more and focusing on your own life. I found writing letters (never sent) and raging at him in my head while doing something physical was a good safe sane way of getting the first out! The second type helps you see how useless and pathetic his 'faux' concern is and that you deserve so much better. It helps you see the current reality. All healthy to feel. Normal.

Sorry to hear about your Mum. And your brother sounds like an MLCer with the normal 'Me, me' insensitivity. Is he?Sorry if so. Don't know what your relationship is like with your Mum, but would you feel better if you planned a visit? Maybe not a hospital visit if she says it's not an emergency, but a nice one for both of you to look forward to? What does your gut instinct say about it? Or is there something else you can do for your Mum that will add to her wellbeing or happiness long distance?

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#56: March 03, 2020, 10:48:49 PM
Sorry About your mam …. its a shame that your dad sent her Spinning and that your brother doesnt see that he is doing exactly the same Thing.
You have every Right to be Angry and that can be a good Thing if used correctly. It can certainly help with healing  ;).
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Acceptance Feels like Death
#57: March 04, 2020, 08:10:23 PM
Sometimes anger propels us forward where we might have otherwise felt stuck.  As long as anger isn't a permanent residence but a place to reside temporarily.  I did go through an angry phase about 8 months after the D was final.  I did not want to see him when he came to get the kids, and since we were living with my B's family, I left with the excuse that I was driving around checking out house listings for our upcoming move out on our own.
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BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
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EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Has several dating profiles on POF and another but no major signs of anything new.

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11404.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

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"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

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Acceptance Feels like Death
#58: March 23, 2020, 06:27:24 AM
Thank you all for your kind responses. My mom is out of the hospital and Germany is on lockdown so no incoming travel is allowed. I hope and pray that we will all stay healthy through this virus and that I will eventually be able to see her again. Poor D five year long hard work and dream of walking across the Graduation Stage for her Masters degree has been ruined by this virus as well. She is devastated and if the schools remain closed she will not even have a job now. She had to move back in with me as the college down closed down all student appartments and I try to be positive about this entire Virus mess but I do understand her frustrations.

Meanwhile I came to the conclusion that all MLC are just a bunch of NitWits…..honestly......had not heard from my MLC since November when he said he missed me and wanted me in his life and how the R with OW is about to collapse and Blablabla……..four months later I get a 2 am email: Are you and D okay ? My reply: Not really, but we will be. No reply from him for two days and then this: Your email (it wasn't an email - it was 6 words) was confusing. Has something happened ? If not I am sorry to have bothered you schratz.

What the...…..Not sure where he got confused by simple 6 words...NitWits…...and at this point, I just do not care any more about walking on egg shells. I was still refrained in my reply which said: You are not bothering me. A lot has happened and is happening but there is no need to worry about us as I am sure you have enough to worry about with your new family.

I wasn't trying to be b!tc#y, but you cannot just care about me and D once a year and then expect a complete run down of what is going on in our lives or pretend to care. Dang - that just rubbed me the wrong way and I am not sure if it is detachment or what, but I am not in the mood to play games any more and pretend everything is just rainbows and unicorns. If he wants to take that as me being difficult - so be it. Who cares. It's not like he is truly concerned about me or D.

Anyhow.....I just hope that all of you are staying safe and healthy in these crazy times. Love to all of you
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Acceptance Feels like Death
#59: March 23, 2020, 07:11:57 AM
Schratz -
Following along.
It seems, to me, that your H was probably restless with guilt and felt obligated to reach out?
2am??  Who does that??
Probably a little of his own monkey-braining.

Take it for what you believe it to be.
Let the anger settle and work through it as you are able.
I also agree that it's a normal phase; as long as you don't get stuck in it.

I'm sorry about D's graduation and job.
This stupid virus has certainly disrupted schools and employment.
I hope that your mother stays safe given her weakened heart.

Hugs,
Sea
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Acceptance Feels like Death
#60: March 23, 2020, 07:18:27 AM
Schwartz-I have had those feelings before and have been there for many months.  Yes, it is the beginning of detachment and moving forward.  Of course it’s not linear, but it shows you are getting your feet under you!
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BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
#61: March 23, 2020, 07:26:03 AM
Dang S, kind of put the ball back in his court, didn't you?   :)

I'm glad you are at the point where you can stop walking on egg shells.  That is detachment.

Well I'm sorry about your D, but just both of you and your mom stay safe.
Your D will be fine, she is young and has a bright future ahead of her.

Hopefully they find a vaccine that wipes this virus out!

Hugs
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Acceptance Feels like Death
#62: March 23, 2020, 10:19:24 AM
Ah yes, the 2am guilt-mail. "I'm sorry to bother you." I've received that one too. Always the martyr.

I like the way you put it--that they up and left our lives and stay away without any care. And then expect a complete list of everything that has happened b/c it suits them at that time. It is ridiculous and I too am at the point where I just don't care if H is informed or not--only if it somehow affects S. But yes, considering H's feelings is something I have had to force myself to stop doing. Not easy b/c we did care about them for so long. And still do in some respects--well the old version of them anyway. Current versions are mindless, selfish a$$hats.

Sorry about D. So disappointing. This virus is forcing us all to adapt in ways we never thought we would. Like MLC, I like to think it will make us stronger.

You are doing great--happy your mom is doing better too.
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Acceptance Feels like Death
#63: March 23, 2020, 12:06:35 PM
Next email from MLC after I said he need not worry about us but worry about his new family...…..
'Ok, now I am worried. I can't stop worrying like a switch...What is going on ? I hope, so hope you are both healthy'

Really ????? We could have been in the hospital for the last 3 years and he wouldn't have known, but really ??? Now, he can't stop worrying...…
Just wow. He has lost his mind clearly.....

Unbelievable
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#64: March 23, 2020, 12:14:44 PM
A slightly different opinion. Because they had a crisis and left us does not mean that they stopped thinking about us or indeed stopped caring about us.

Checking in during this time of uncertainty isn't something to be alarmed about. It's not a contrived thing.

Whatever has happened to their brains and hearts, what we can never understand or fathom and what causes us incredible pain....there is something of their original "goodness" still within.

I know we debate all the time as to whether they know what they are doing or not...and that is not the reason I am writing this. But we did not totally disappear from their lives...even those vanishers...we have no idea what goes through their heads.

I am sorry that he hurt you S and we are already under enough stress...but many are and will reach out.

I guess if we don't want to hear from them at all, then we make a resolution to discard any communication without looking at it.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Acceptance Feels like Death
#65: March 23, 2020, 03:38:58 PM
Hi Schratz, good to hear from you and I am glad your mother is doing better. I hope that you can see her soon.  And sorry about your daughter's graduation setbacks - only bright spot is that she is now home with you and that must be a comfort.

The 2 a.m. email was just another unbelievable moment.  Alongside you. Not at 2 AM, but I've been getting some of those guilt-ridden "how are you" text messages lately as well. I would like to believe as xyzcf says that there may still be a memory of goodness left in them, but… My head keeps spinning, too, best not to think. Hard to keep looking away from them when they pop back into our lives when unexpected. Glad you are starting to detach.  You do sound good.
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Acceptance Feels like Death
#66: March 24, 2020, 05:36:17 AM
Hello,

Sorry to hear about the graduation. My son is like your daughter and devastated. He will finish his BS in Biology in June.He was looking forward to the ceremony and celebration. My youngest daughter finishes her BA in graphic design this summer and could care less about the graduation ceremony.

Quote
I came to the conclusion that all MLC are just a bunch of NitWits…..honestly......had not heard from my MLC since November when he said he missed me and wanted me in his life and how the R with OW is about to collapse and Blablabla…

Well, I can agree with you that all MLCers are not noted for making wise decisions. It's like if they all played Let's Make A Deal, no matter what door they picked, they would always pick the loser. That would be easy, but I think the raw emotions of anger and fear- especially fear, drive them to such irrational decisions. Deserting families, getting involved with other people, disappointing their friends and families, all creates a person driven by guilt and fear. A pursuit of eternal happiness that can never be found let alone sustained for any lengthy period of time.

In many ways, it is like they go to war with themselves and when the troops first go into battle, everything seems great, but when you look back at the destruction around you, it is really hard to determine a winner or loser amongst the carnage.

That is why it is important for you to think and live as if he is never coming back. You are not his shadow, but he can become yours as he is not even close to being a man or father at this time. Keep the good you felt for him alive by doing what is best for his family. You are now the rock of the family and you will ensure that you thrive in his absence.

((((Hugs))) and more (((Hugs))) and congratulations to your daughter on her degree.

Ready
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#67: March 25, 2020, 09:26:12 AM
Thank you xy for your words - I do think they still care - it is just odd that under every day circumstances they suppress the caring but now seem on high alert. And while I feel like I am beginning to detach some days - moments like these show me that I have still so far to go and I am keeping my promise to always reply to him when he reaches out as he has with me.
Thanks Mal for understanding the head spinning and not being able to look away - shows us that we are still hoping even just a teeny tiny bit that maybe this is not the end. Just hang in there my friend.
Ready - I am sorry for your son missing out as well - my daughter never dreamt of a dream wedding but always of her graduation - but it's just one of those things where there's not much we can do about. You are hitting the nail so straight on with the picking a door and it's always the wrong one - and it is always the wrong one because they are still not realizing that the prize is within them. And my MLC has always been easily guilted by his family and always been in fear of disappointing people - I called him the great fence rider jokingly, but that's what he always has been. Never wanting to disappoint and yet, by never making any firm decisions he disappoints everyone and himself all around. He does not know what he wants any more today than he did 30 years ago or three years ago when he left. I am sure at the time he thought he did, but like you said, they are chasing the eternal tail and it will never end.

On the bright side with this virus I have noticed more parents spending outside time with their kids and each other. More people on their porches just talking across the street like in the old days, so yes, KIT - it will make us all stronger and I hope that a lot of people will realize what truly matters and what doesn't. Not counting on our MLCs to see the light, but......

Everybody stay safe and healthy
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#68: March 25, 2020, 12:05:17 PM
Quote
And while I feel like I am beginning to detach some days - moments like these show me that I have still so far to go and I am keeping my promise to always reply to him when he reaches out as he has with me.

This word "detach" what does it mean really? I do not believe that I can ever totally "detach" and I am ok with that. My love for him continues but it doesn't hurt me as it once did.

Each of us will determine for ourselves what is right for us. Perhaps with "practice" contact no longer shakes our world like it once did.

Like you, I reply when he contacts me. At times I will initiate contact, a birthday greeting, a joke I think he would enjoy.

I do not see any "harm" in doing this. It is who I am and who I want to be.

He is a human being. A broken human being. What he has done, he will live with the consequences of that.

I wish this had never happened to us but it did and I had to find a way to accept and survive and find joy again without denying the love we once had.

You'll get there S...you have come so far.


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« Last Edit: March 25, 2020, 12:06:30 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Acceptance Feels like Death
#69: March 26, 2020, 08:03:33 AM
This is one of the great HS debates - what IS "detachment?"

Some people seem to think it is not caring about the Mid-Lifer (what would really better be termed "indifference.")  I think RCR defines it more as unhooking your (the "royal your" here and not your specifically XYZ) own emotional state from that of the Mid-Lifer - detaching yourself from their Rollercoaster - so that your emotional state is not dependent on THEIR emotional state.

I tend to agree with that definition because then it is possible to still have feelings for the MLC'er while not allowing those feelings to rule our lives because they are not reciprocated by the MLC'er towards us.

The opposite of love is NOT hate. Hate means that you still feel something. The opposite of love is indifference....
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Acceptance Feels like Death
#70: March 26, 2020, 04:16:36 PM
This is one of the great HS debates - what IS "detachment?"

Some people seem to think it is not caring about the Mid-Lifer (what would really better be termed "indifference.")  I think RCR defines it more as unhooking your (the "royal your" here and not your specifically XYZ) own emotional state from that of the Mid-Lifer - detaching yourself from their Rollercoaster - so that your emotional state is not dependent on THEIR emotional state.

I tend to agree with that definition because then it is possible to still have feelings for the MLC'er while not allowing those feelings to rule our lives because they are not reciprocated by the MLC'er towards us.

The opposite of love is NOT hate. Hate means that you still feel something. The opposite of love is indifference....

For myself I am aiming to put my H in the same 'place' in my mind that I put my kids. When they are grumpy and difficult or have tantys or have occasionally said they hated me, I take no offence and don't take it personally. I know they were just being upset or overwhelmed toddlers or ratty teens. I didn't/don't like all their decisions, but I accept that they're their decisions to make. It doesn't affect how I think of them, our relationship, or myself. It's a 'stepping back' or 'zooming out' and seeing the big picture type of feeling. When I can manage to put my H in that same 'place' in my mind (just loving him as he is right now and accepting that he's off doing what he thinks will make him happy even when that makes me so unhappy) it really does feel far more peaceful. I can love him from afar and wish him well on his journey. It's when I am 'zoomed in' on what he's doing and how f*ing crazy this all is and how very hurt and sad I am and how much I miss him, that I just swirl around and around and feel like I'm down in that pit that is so hard to climb out of again. I don't manage it for long stretches at a time, and often slip back into the 'zoomed in' pit. But it is slowly, with determined practice, getting easier to 'zoom out'. 
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