Author Topic: My Story Acceptance Feels like Death  (Read 1105 times)

Offline Schratz66Topic starterTopic starter

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My Story Acceptance Feels like Death
« on: December 09, 2019, 06:59:28 AM »
Well, I think I finally arrived at the acceptance stage and quite frankly instead of the peaceful feeling I expected it feels like a fresh death.

Old thread  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11104.msg751852#msg751852

Quick recap.
BD June 2017 via text - OW is High School Sweetheart - first year almost no contact, second year more regular contacts and I got my hopes up just to face reality now. He is gone, has been gone and while still confused, he might be gone forever.
Until now I bathed in that lovely pink bubble of denial and hoped and hoped and dang I am all out of hope now. Not sure what caused this sudden realization but it's here and its raw and cold.

I is now that I feel I stand at the graveside of my M and wonder what to do now.
What do I want to do with my life ?
Will I be lonely forever ?
I don't want to date and I do not want anybody else in my life, and I do keep busy and have friends, but I miss having my person. My ride and die buddy, my sexy H that still gave me butterflies after 17 years, my shoulder to rest on - I miss him dreadfully and I miss the intimacy of knowing somebody so well that they've become a part of you.
Where to go from here - I have no idea, so I will just linger and figure things out one day at a time.

Thank you everyone for still riding along this long and windy road that nobody knows where it leads to - I appreciate everybody on this forum more than I can ever say
« Last Edit: December 09, 2019, 07:01:03 AM by Schratz66 »
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2019, 07:07:02 AM »
Attaching
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2019, 07:10:18 AM »
Where to go from here - I have no idea, so I will just linger and figure things out one day at a time.

Schratz, i am so sorry that you feel like this but it is perfectly normal. The reality can be overwhelmen and you see Questionmarks everywhere. Please dont "linger", Keep rolling, Keep your head up and soldier on. You will be just fine, you are strong.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline 3longyrs

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2019, 07:18:57 AM »
I truly do know how you feel Schratz...These are the times when you must have faith,have faith that Gods will will be done no matter what it is...

Offline AlvinTheMaker

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2019, 07:24:24 AM »
Attaching... 

Idk if I'm at the same stage as you, but "feels like death" strikes the chord big time.  Be kind and gracious to yourself.

Alvin
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

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Offline Treasur

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2019, 07:50:18 AM »
It is normal, dear girl.
And it does seem to work a bit like a funeral first. And feeling like a widow. Which sucks, feels weird and is very difficult to explain in RL.
But we will walk with you and this time will pass, I promise.
« Last Edit: December 09, 2019, 07:51:19 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online 3Boys4Me

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2019, 08:55:28 AM »
With you Schratz, I’m at the same place, same timeline, same emotions, same stage, and yes, it feels like a new death. Maybe though, this is your LBS bottom, from where the good stuff grows. That is my prayer for you.
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #7 on: December 09, 2019, 09:17:25 AM »
S,

I don't think Acceptance is a bad thing, not at all.  I believe it has to happen for your healing to really begin.

It's facing reality, no longer fooling yourself, and maybe the feeling of it like a death is because you had to ditch those rose colored glasses finally.
It's more the death of your innocence, which I honestly think we all have to do eventually.

The innocence your marriage held is gone.  The is the one thing all these MLCer's take from us.

You are going to find your way S.  I have no doubts about that.  You are a strong woman.

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #8 on: December 09, 2019, 10:19:22 AM »
S--acceptance is a very important, albeit painful, part of this journey. But I have found that once we feel that pain, it is easier to move forward. Change is painful. Hoping there is a bight rainbow at the end of this metamorphosis. I know there is.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline SteelSpine

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #9 on: December 09, 2019, 10:43:59 AM »
Wow, yes.
When you get to that point in grief where you say “This happened.  It really DID happen.”
And then you face the grief head on, with open eyes.

I am sorry for your loss.
me 56, H 52
S14, S10 & S10
M 1/98

7/16 - BD - PA - OW
Monster until 1/17
T&Gs until 8/18
No legal action

Offline FearNot

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #10 on: December 09, 2019, 10:50:14 AM »
I'm so sorry that you are suffering. I know this is painful and seemingly never ending, but it is a step in the right direction of your journey. It does have to happen and it's not a bad thing, just a really difficult thing to work through, but you will. You will get through this and heal. It might be baby steps, but they are moving forward. Go at your own pace S66. God does have a plan, we don't always know the in and outs of it, or why it doesn't align with what we want for that matter, but He has a plan for you and He's got you covered!!  :) Big Hugs!!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #11 on: December 09, 2019, 11:52:17 AM »
For some of us, time doesn't seem to make a difference in how we feel, how much we miss them and how we are still attracted to them.

Acceptance that I feel this way and that there is NOTHING wrong in feeling this way is how I live now. He is still very much a part of my thoughts and I see him as well......so what is there to do but accept that I do not know what is going to happen in the future and try and live each day in a place of contentment.

I have tried many many things to block him out of my thoughts, it is just not going to happen for me.

Seems a bit cruel that we cannot just shut the door and walk away, heal and resolve whatever feelings we once had...but MLC is such a bizarre situation to be in...especially when they pop up in your life...and you can feel that connection even for a moment again and you know, they feel it too!

Holiday time makes it all more acute.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Maleficent

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #12 on: December 09, 2019, 02:53:27 PM »
Schratz, continuing to walk this long and lonely painful road with you.  It does feel raw and cold, but I look at those who traveled before us, and they are at a better place in the journey than we are now.  Both of us need to peek at the sun a little more and look for those rainbows.  Hugs.
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Online Milly

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #13 on: December 10, 2019, 01:45:42 AM »
Schratz, I was thinking about the title of your thread, and I'm going to agree that acceptance feels like death. Reaching the acceptance place is needed, though. I'm kind of there at the moment, and am relieved to be here, but it is a sad place too, because it's a place with very little or no hope. It's a place of having to let go of the dream of our Hs coming home. And it has nothing to do with whether our Hs wake up or not, it's to do with us, we reach a place where it's all over. There will be mourning at this point. I'm at this place now, too. I'm grateful to be at this point, I'm hoping if I get through this mourning stage, I will be freed up of my love/waiting for H. I'm hoping this will be where my co-dependency might end.

I have no magic solutions to feel better, just wanted to share my thoughts. xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #14 on: December 10, 2019, 07:05:55 PM »
Continuing on your journey with you, S66.  I'm sending support and encouragement.  The way through is tough and sometimes I wonder if there is an end to it.  I just keep moving forward and living one day at a time.  Maybe that's how it will always be.  I don't know and I try to just stay present in each day and live it to the fullest. 

BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #15 on: December 17, 2019, 12:09:17 PM »
Hi Schratz,

I've been away for awhile but am so glad to be here now and read how you are doing.  I think you are so incredibly strong.  Good for you to get to this stage.  I can imagine it's tough (I'm not quite there yet) but so brave of you.  I like what Milly said, that "it has more to do with us, we reach a place where it's all over."  You are amazing and strong!  Just keep doing the next right thing for yourself.  xoxoxo
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Divorced as of January 2019
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 59
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Schratz66Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #16 on: December 18, 2019, 08:08:35 AM »
Thank you everybody for still coming along with me - I cannot say how much your words of support and wisdom mean to me.
I think these MLC know when we are getting to a better place where we try to heal.
They must smell it in the air....

Had another friendly chit chat visitor at my desk again this morning - no reason...just stopping by.....he still cannot look me in the eyes, but it's no longer the dead shark eyes it was before so I guess his guilt is wearing off. Still as clueless as ever on how these stop-ins affect me but today's wasn't as bad as others.
I haven't fled to the bathroom yet and hopefully i wont as I have a job interview this afternoon and I don't need to show up as the red eyed Goobly Gook.

Still no clue why he feels the need to stop by - other than to see I am still where he left me or to prove to himself what a great guy he is since he can be amicable with me, but in the end I will never know nor does it really matter.

D came home for Semester break and we decorated our Christmas tree and have been making homemade gifts and it has been nice to have company.

I hope everyone here is able to get some joy out of the Christmas season no matter how small - my daily joy is to look at my daughter and be grateful she is alive and well and that we have a roof over our head, food in the fridge and money in the bank.



Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #17 on: December 18, 2019, 08:30:47 AM »
Be proud Schratz of who you are and who you are becoming . You are indeed as strong as women come and I admire how you have walked this incredibly painful path. And still you are on your feet and doing what mom's do. I know you have suffered and I am so very sorry. Christmas will have some hard moments but there is a new year on the horizon and great things come to women just like you .

Yes, stops to chat could be for many reasons as you stated . I also would find that incredibly painful but your actions prove you are getting stronger and stronger . We have many similarities . I remember being at work at getting an email from him to my work computer. The truth is ..I made my co-worker ( a great friend) open it and read it . My hands just shook and indeed end up in the bathroom just a mess. I went zero contact ..never ever called him, saw him, answered him or responded . I just could not have anything to do with him , the shock was that deep. So, you can tolerate visits to your desk ...I am in awe of how you manage it . YOU have come a long long way my friend.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Seahorse

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #18 on: December 18, 2019, 08:52:35 AM »
Acceptance - yes, what a strong word.
So powerful and so necessary.
Attaching S66.
Sending Hugs

Sea

Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Schratz66Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #19 on: December 20, 2019, 05:04:29 AM »
Last Day of work until New Years and we have Ugly Christmas Sweater Day and a gift exchange and I was all Ms Positive Pants and was going to have a great day as MLC normally skips Fridays at work. Should have known....first thing I see when pulling in is his truck which means he is heading to OW for Christmas straight after work.
Why that still hits me like boulder smashing me to the ground - I don't know. But it does and I blame the holiday hormones or something as I am sitting in the bathroom at 8.04 am with my Christmas Sweater crying bitter tears of loss and love and grief.

I just want to go home or run away or crawl in that cave
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online Milly

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #20 on: December 20, 2019, 05:16:25 AM »
Oh Schratz I’m sorry. I know that pain you’re feeling. Nowadays when I have confirmation of my H going to Ow, I tell myself ‘good! The more time they spend together, the more my H’s OW becomes annoying the more they fight. And I no longer believe their Christmasses are lovey dovey. When you have years of Christmasses one way (with us) where they loved Christmas, there’s no way they don't compare or feel nostalgic. Even if they have a pleasant Christmas, I think we become an elephant in their room.

I hope you wore your sweater into work and let good people surround you with cheer and laughter. Shake it off, Schratz, or imagine swinging a giant dustbin lid on your H’s face when he comes to mind. That’s what I do. Mine is a big stainless steel round one.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Seahorse

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #21 on: December 20, 2019, 05:18:29 AM »
S66 -

Your post made me so sad for you.
We try so hard to put on a "happy face".  It sounded like a great start of a day, only to be ruined by what you saw.  I'm so sorry that you got sad seeing his truck in the parking lot.  It's amazing how these things hit us when we think everything's under control.

I hope that the rest of your Friday goes well, and that you don that Christmas Sweater like nobody's business!  You're the queen, whether you feel like it or not. 

Hugs,
Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Treasur

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #22 on: December 20, 2019, 06:18:02 AM »
66 - no way round it, loss and grief just sucks. And jumps up and smashes you round the head out of nowhere sometimes. I get it. I hated the grief, really hated it, hated the me doing it, so I am not going to BS you about it.

I heard a podcast say that it isn't just the loss of the person....a betrayed spouse listed over 120 things that he thought he had to work through grief about after a long marriage. And they reconciled but he had still lost those things anyway......grrr. But he also said he thought he had to look at his losses honestly in order to know he was actually grieving and accepting and making peace with.

But here is what I learned is also true.
It feels like it might but grief will not kill you.
It is possible to have grief and a kind of low key calm of small pleasures in the same day.
The grief is about the last chapters of acceptance....but after acceptance comes new hope for different things. Like spring after winter. It always comes.
This break of time is a gift for you. No need to see his fake smarmy pathetic face. No need to pretend anything to anyone actually. You can do as much or as little as you want...just try to keep on with that hunt for small pleasures bc they turn into a snowball of peace and even joy with a little time.
And how Christmassy is that right? X
« Last Edit: December 20, 2019, 06:43:07 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Schratz66Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #23 on: December 20, 2019, 07:32:23 AM »
Milly - you made me laugh out loud - and I shall picture that trash can lid now.....thank you so much

Sea - thank you so much

Treasur - as always you are so wise and I know wisdom comes from pain and loss and I very much appreciate your view of things. And of course it's not just the person we grieve, it is all our aspects of our lives that no longer are.

Back out of the bathroom now - tears wiped off and mascara reapplied - head held high with my ugly Christmas sweater and I am trying to stay in the moment surrounded by fabulous co-workers and great food and many laughs.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Seahorse

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #24 on: December 20, 2019, 07:56:21 AM »
S66 - Great recovery!
Have an enjoyable pre-Christmas day with your co-workers.

Save that trash can lid for later!

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Treasur

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #25 on: December 20, 2019, 08:21:15 AM »
And there you go, 66, well done you  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline FearNot

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #26 on: December 20, 2019, 10:49:05 AM »
You go S66! Way to bounce back! Big Hugs! I can kinda hear the clang of that giant lid connecting when need be!! ::)
M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Schratz66Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #27 on: December 25, 2019, 08:51:00 AM »
If you need proof that MLC are looney - picture this.
H is spending Christmas with OW and her family and yet at 930 am he thinks about me and sends me the generic Merry Christmas schratz66!!!

Why not either be all in with her or leave her ?

He is still stuck between two chairs - neither all there nor here.

It has to be exhausting to them.

Me, I know who I love and who I want to be with and that hasn’t waivered in 25 years. It’s the one thing I’ve always been sure of.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Seahorse

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #28 on: December 25, 2019, 05:25:36 PM »
Yes S66 - That's MLC!!

They want what they want, and expect that it is normal and okay.
A bit of self=focus on his side - thinking of you evenjhough he's left you.
Pretty typical, I think...

Hope that your day was wonderful and that the text this morning didn't throw you too far for a loop.

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #29 on: December 26, 2019, 08:37:21 AM »
Such entitlement, right?   It's all about who he wants contact with and not about who he could be hurting. You are awesome Schratz, so strong!  It takes a really strong person to be able to go through this with love in your heart.  You continue to inspire me.
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Divorced as of January 2019
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 59
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Schratz66Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #30 on: January 08, 2020, 08:11:46 AM »
Not much new to report other than I am glad the holidays are over. Same bland, generic greeting at 9 pm on New Years eve to have a Happy New Year - first one he wished me in 3 years...of course for a second I thought why isn't he with her on New Years eve...then I remembered that it doesn't really matter where he is as long as he is still not with me.

Finished another 5k and the my biking group ladies and I have booked our next girls trip in April....D is heading back to school for her last semester and I am still focusing on staying in the moment, appreciating all my blessings and rediscovering my faith.

Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online 3Boys4Me

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #31 on: January 08, 2020, 08:38:00 AM »
Thanks for the update Schratz! We’re you running and biking before BD, or are those things you have taken up since? I love to hear about how people have incorporated GAL activities!
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline FearNot

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #32 on: January 08, 2020, 09:10:59 AM »
Congrats on your 5K and cheers to booking another! Having something to look forward to helps! Your doing awesome S66!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Schratz66Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #33 on: January 14, 2020, 12:27:49 PM »
Thanks Fear...
3Boys - I did not take up running or biking until recently...as a matter of fact - I was not a fan of exercise at all - but I had to find something to wear me out physically and make me concentrate on physical pain rather than emotional pain. So, when I am riding up hill and my lung hurts and my legs want to fall off, at least my heart and soul is not hurting. And biking I could take up without being in shape....now we have a Thursday evening biking group of 5 ladies and we ride about 15 miles and then go out to eat - it's a lot of fun.

D is back at school and as always the first few days of being alone again are hard to get used to. And so the monkeys are running free range and dragging up past conversations about him wanting me in his life and him loving me and blablabla and none of it matters as long as he is still with her...…
Heavy heart but hopefully tomorrow things will be easier again...….

Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #34 on: January 14, 2020, 03:04:31 PM »
Schratz, Your words are so relatable.  What a great outlet for you!  Why do these MLCers often say these things while still with another women.  Crazy.  Haha, I don’t have that problem, mine always tells me he doesn’t love me.  I’m not sure which is worse.

Anyways, I hope you have peace this evening.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Schratz66Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #35 on: January 17, 2020, 05:18:06 PM »
Strangely I am struggling more now that the holidays are over. Could be stupid Valentine’s Day and all the hype coming up or could be being alone again.
Could be seeing his truck again at work each day.

I do try to stay busy but how do we ever get rid of this loneliness, the yearning for our person...


Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online Milly

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #36 on: January 17, 2020, 05:25:14 PM »
Oh, Schratz, I hear you. It is so hard to stop that lonely feeling. But January, post Christmas does make it so much harder. Accept that it's this time of the year and it will pass.

Your very clever idea to bike to stop the heart pain by covering it with physical pain was brilliant. Your girlie group of bikers is wonderful. You are doing so great. Give it more time for your heart to forget a bit more, and for your wonderful activities to make you feel good about yourself. My experience has shown me that whether I tried or not, the passing of time kept easing my pain. It will happen to you, too. That yearning feeling will gradually fade. And I'm not associating to the MLCer. It has nothing to do with whether the MLCer will deal with their crisis or not. Whatever they do, eventually we will hurt less. That is a good thing.

Keep doing what you're doing. You'll get there.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Acceptance Feels like Death
« Reply #37 on: Today at 08:49:20 AM »
Wow Schratz! A 5k and biking!  I'm so impressed!  For me, the no contact has been easier to handle.  I can pretty much do that we just communicate when necessary through email.  Also the fact that he is a mega-monster helps as well :-).  So please give yourself credit for the fact that you are dealing with seeing him or his truck often and you are handling things really well despite that.  When I find that I am dealing with my MLCer overly much for some reason, it sends me into a bit of a tailspin.  So I think you continue to be awesome!  Don't underestimate the trauma we have been through.  I'm pretty sure we all have PTSD, so be gentle and compassionate to yourself, you so deserve it!  xoxo
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Divorced as of January 2019
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 59
OW? I don't know - probably plural

 

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