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Author Topic: My Story Acceptance Feels like Death

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My Story Acceptance Feels like Death
#70: March 26, 2020, 04:16:36 PM
This is one of the great HS debates - what IS "detachment?"

Some people seem to think it is not caring about the Mid-Lifer (what would really better be termed "indifference.")  I think RCR defines it more as unhooking your (the "royal your" here and not your specifically XYZ) own emotional state from that of the Mid-Lifer - detaching yourself from their Rollercoaster - so that your emotional state is not dependent on THEIR emotional state.

I tend to agree with that definition because then it is possible to still have feelings for the MLC'er while not allowing those feelings to rule our lives because they are not reciprocated by the MLC'er towards us.

The opposite of love is NOT hate. Hate means that you still feel something. The opposite of love is indifference....

For myself I am aiming to put my H in the same 'place' in my mind that I put my kids. When they are grumpy and difficult or have tantys or have occasionally said they hated me, I take no offence and don't take it personally. I know they were just being upset or overwhelmed toddlers or ratty teens. I didn't/don't like all their decisions, but I accept that they're their decisions to make. It doesn't affect how I think of them, our relationship, or myself. It's a 'stepping back' or 'zooming out' and seeing the big picture type of feeling. When I can manage to put my H in that same 'place' in my mind (just loving him as he is right now and accepting that he's off doing what he thinks will make him happy even when that makes me so unhappy) it really does feel far more peaceful. I can love him from afar and wish him well on his journey. It's when I am 'zoomed in' on what he's doing and how f*ing crazy this all is and how very hurt and sad I am and how much I miss him, that I just swirl around and around and feel like I'm down in that pit that is so hard to climb out of again. I don't manage it for long stretches at a time, and often slip back into the 'zoomed in' pit. But it is slowly, with determined practice, getting easier to 'zoom out'. 
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M: 49
H: 51
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her.

 

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