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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Intrusive thoughts

b
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My Story Reconnecting Re: Intrusive thoughts
#20: December 16, 2019, 01:53:23 PM
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I'm coming up on 7 years since BD, 4 years in reconnecting/reconciliation and only now am I starting to relax a little bit and not jump at every little word or comment he makes that strikes me the wrong way.
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Wow!   Unless you lived it, this is impossible to believe. But it is the EXACT same for me. And I mean EXACT. I feel I am starting to slowly relax in the past 6 months ..very slowly. It is a shift and I am fully aware of it happening and I am grateful. But it took a very long time. It was years before I felt "comfortable" or normal laying in bed beside him and I had laid in bed with him for decades. Very hard to explain.  If intrusive thoughts snuck into my brain, I was out of there and slept elsewhere . It was excruciating to say the very least . I need to say, that for me it was not just "thoughts" , it could be full movies and scenarios . I could see them together in my imagination and it just created questions and anger and deep shame ( I felt shame , humiliation and disgust) . I wondered what he said to her, how the sex was, how it felt to be with someone new after 30 years with 1 person. These questions happen to everyone that has been betrayed sexually . No matter what anyone says...this is extrememly difficult ( if not impossible) to overcome. I still wonder sometimes...and I always come up on the loosing end. All that "newness and passion" had to be exciting. I have read many times that men have a far more difficult time ( than women) forgiving the physical betrayal. I do not know if that is true , because I will never feel peace with any of it. Some friends have said to me " well, it must not be a dealbreaker, you are still with him" . I have not response to that ...it broke a lot of things .
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

C
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Re: Intrusive thoughts
#21: December 17, 2019, 07:14:28 AM
I’m a newbie to this....so I can’t possibly say that I can fully understand the depth of the feeling. To my knowledge H had an EA, my gut and his actions say that it was/is a PA.
For my thoughts....sometimes I just let myself catastrophize it all the way out....then ask if that’s true? Other times I have to actively stop the train of thought. I have to acknowledge that the thoughts I have  are okay, and there’s a reason I have them, it’s not just me being “crazy.”  Here lately I am in a place where my mantra is “love is a choice and at this moment, the one I’m in right now, H is choosing me”.

Whatever happens in the future is out of my control, and whatever that is I’ll handle it when I get there....but I have to bring myself to the truth of the moment I’m in and accept that.

And remind myself that either of us could choose something different at any time, so just try and appreciate the choice that’s happening right then.

That may not be right or helpful....but it’s all I know how to do.
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Me 37
H 37
S15
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

b
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Re: Intrusive thoughts
#22: December 17, 2019, 08:42:09 AM
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love is a choice
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I do agree with this . Love is a decision not an emotion. We have been taught this by the Retrovaille community that we attend. I am not sure I ever thought about it as a decision...if I thought about it at all. But if love was simply an emotion we all know that changes, ebbs and flows, is fickle and not always within our control. It is far more than an emotional state . It has been my decision and even that ( at times ) is tested.

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there’s a reason I have them, it’s not just me being “crazy.”
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And it just feels good to really know we are NOT crazy , not loosing our minds . We are in a process of healing . Many say it is very similar to the stages of grieving. We will be OK no matter what happens. Of that I am certain.

  • Logged
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

 

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