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Author Topic: My Story Cautionary tale!! Dealing with extreme monster - you must read this!

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Thanks Anon! Yes, so similar - I was just catching up on your thread too - I think you are doing so well with detaching and moving on, making big decisions...

So, I am doing my best not to focus on MLcer and OW, but I need to ask a question. - kids are with their dad this weekend - when they are at the OW house they remain in their room - self isolation if you will. They refuse to have any relationship of any kind with her (they knew her very well, family friend, are aware of the affair and how she pursued their dad) - anyway, suffice it to say, they hate her. They’ve heard her calling them names, talking bad about me, etc. she actively blackmails MLCer and thinks the kids are horrible because they haven’t just “moved on” and accepted her.  Well they don’t and they won’t - I truly believe that.  Well today H asked boys to go for a walk, they agreed, he did it because he wanted to tell them they are choosing to be trapped in their room, they need to come out, accept OW. He then began to tell them that the kids could “have a lot of fun with OW.” - that set both boys off, they finished the walk and went straight back up to the room...

My question is this, how many MLCers try to force the OW onto the kids? Even when the kids actively reject the concept. Do other MLCers consistently agree to whatever OW says, even if it negatively impacts their own children? Have any of you navigated this with your kids? My kids and H relationship is truly awful. They would like to have a relationship with their dad as long as it is independent of OW - my kids feel tortured every weekend they are there - and she truly has said and done terrible things to the boys. I am more and more convinced she is also in MLC and both she and H act like entitled, cruel, narcissistic mean teenagers, about age 17, who do what they want with impunity and screw everyone else.

Help please...
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BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

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3boys, my H forced OW onto my S who was 10 at the time. He did this behind my back and told S to keep it a secret. Then once out in the open, he kept forcing S to be with him and OW. My S hated it, told his dad he didn't want to be around her, but H kept telling S that OW was a very nice person, and that I was trying to keep him from being with his dad. OW even made my H sue me for not giving him time with his S. They went down to the police station to write up a I consulted with my L, but this is Italian law so I don't know if it is the same where you are, a child is not forced to go to his other parent's house if he doesn't want to. Even though we have joined custody, my S resides with me. The law here says that it's H's privilege to see S, not the other way around. S kept putting his foot down about seeing his dad without OW present, and that has been the way it's been for the past 2.5 years. H doesn't even try any more. I think the OW pushes the relationship with the kids because it makes their relationship with our H stronger. As long as the kids refuse to have anything to do with her, there is clearly a problem, and everyone can see it.

I do think it's important for our kids to keep seeing their father, at least until they are a little older. If the law forces them to be with their dad for his part of custody, then there's nothing to be done, except help them go through this. If they can choose, then that's a different matter.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Hello,

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Well today H asked boys to go for a walk, they agreed, he did it because he wanted to tell them they are choosing to be trapped in their room, they need to come out, accept OW. He then began to tell them that the kids could “have a lot of fun with OW.” - that set both boys off, they finished the walk and went straight back up to the room...

Your H really needs to take a parenting class and a  basic psychology class. There is so much wrong in what he did, I can't see one bit of right. First of all, he has hurt his sons' mother. You are the source of love for them and as a father, he is meant to cherish and protect his wife. He failed miserably and his sons are angry. He can't recognize that he is the source of their discontent? He can't force OW on them and in trying to do so, he is only going to make the fight harder and more difficult.

My advice to you is to stay out of the fray. Tell them to make the most of it while with their father. However, support them on their principles and integrity. They don't have to accept OW or their father's affair. Your H wants the "happy" family,not for his sons' best interests, but to justify his own bad behavior. Recognize that they support and love you. However, in life there will be many things they are not going to like to do, but they have to do. The weekends may be tough, but they can support each other during this time.

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the Olympic mountains are out and the sky is a baby blue, with a few cotton-ball clouds. I really am blessed and grateful for this beautiful life, my three sons, friends and family, sweet and lovely bit of land...

I truly enjoy Washington. The combination of mountains and water can't be beat. Enjoy your days, your sons, and your place in life.

((((Hugs))) and more (((Hugs)))

Ready

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K
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I agree with both Ready and Milly.  My H is more on the coward side (thankfully) and has not tried to merge families. He just stays away from S altogether. Which I suppose is a blessing bc otherwise he would be forced to merge. This OW does not allow him off his leash at all. Plus I think it plays into his avoidance issues.

As far as what position to take, I agree with Ready. Don't. Just be the love and support to your S's. Seems like H is imploding all on his own. And will likely continue to blame everyone else for all that is wrong in his life.

Sorry you have to deal with that-it is the hardest thing in my opinion. Having to see our children suffer.  The innocent collateral damage. You are doing such an amazing job.
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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3 boys,

I am another one whose h. forced ow on the kids. They were 16, 17 and 18 at the time. When I found out, I was really hurt - it was only two or three months after he had physically left the house. Six months since BD.

He tried the blended family thing a bit and the kids reluctantly went along with it for about a year, I suppose. I didn't have the best reactions and I know my kids were impacted by my behavior too  :-[ 

After about two years, only the middle son did his best to fit in with his dad and ow, he would accept invitations to go and stay overnight, travel with them on one occasion - I learned to not put pressure on this son, he also learnt to deal with me, deflecting my questions so I would get the hint to lay off him., lol. The eldest had gfs, so he found ways to see his dad and leave to meet a gf, my youngest, a daughter, used to take freinds with her when she went to meet them as a kind of buffer.

At about four or five years in, my kids found their voices and started to ask their dad to meet them without ow, that they preferred to spend time with just him. Ow also started to step back in her overtures towards them as they were not so welcoming and sometimes outright rude to her (I didn't encourage that kind of behavior but secretly chuckled). Her kids began to grow up and grow away from mine, not that they were close in the beginning, just younger.

I would say, allow your boys to express themselves, don't interfere unless, of course, you feel they are in danger. I insisted with mine that they behave and were polite to their elders. I didn't badmouth ow or h. and I prayed for them when they were away from me that they would be a blessing to their father.

That is what I did.
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H 58
S 28
D 25
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

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T
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Hi, 3boys,

I'm an old-timer; still read, though.  Your thread caught my eye. I've tried to reply several times, I no longer seem to be able to write particularly clearly, so I hope this all makes sense!

I just want to say that I think the forcing of OWs is more common that it might seem; I think many MLCers try the happy blended families thing, I think also that many children fear that their MLC parent might distance themselves even further if the children don't go along with what they want.  I also think that many MLCers get angry at the LBS if the children don't like the OW (or OP, I should say, as this probably happens with all MLCers, not just men), and blame the LBS.  We as LBS so often want the children to have a relationship with the other parent that at times we don't say anything.

My H did both the springing of an OW unannounced, sprung one on them when he had explicitly promised it would be just him and them, and also tried to force my now grown children to meet the latest one (there have  been several).  When they were younger he blamed me, now he  send the nasty texts directly to them, which makes my blood boil.  Needless to say their relationship with him is at best superficial. 

His line is "for goodness sake, it's been ____ years, I'm never coming home, this happens all the time, grow up, "she's nice", and so on. 

Mine are now over 18 so nothing can be "forced"; he could of course still try to spring her on them unannounced, they have already discussed that among themselves and decided their strategy for dealing with that if it ever happens.

I like the way Ready expresses it -- for them to hold on to their principles and integrity.  I've always followed that line with my children; they do know that they can always call him but do so less and less, as they don't get the Dad they want, at best a distant uncle. 

It hasn't been easy for them to find their voices, they do fear his anger; the best I can do is to say that if he gets angry, let him.  That I do expect them to be polite, but that they do get to say how they feel and that it isn't their fault if he disregards that.  I remind them that if they didn't like something I did they would let me know in no uncertain terms.  They then smile and say yes...

I get angry when they start to feel that they are the ones doing something wrong; that is when we have conversations about bullying, what is and isn't honest and right, and responsibility.  It's always a fine line; we don't want to be seen as bashing them, but I believe it is important that they know what we believe as well. 

I also make sure that my own words and actions match; I do realise that they, whether they say it or not, are watching and learning from me. 

I don't believe you have to appease anyone -- history in general shows that appeasement never works.  Calmly speaking the truth does, I believe. 
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So much great insight, incredibly helpful, thank you Milky, Ready, Mitzpah, Kit, T&L.  The OW is my jagged place, the still raw wound as she was a close friend and she pursued my H. It wasnt until about six months post BD that I finally took the blinders off and learned what was happening - all along we continued our friendship and she would make comments on FB when my husband and I were out and about - it was her extraordinary deceptive way to let my H know she was watching him while he played happy family with me while going deeper into an affair with her - the betrayal, backstabbing and cruelty have almost been too much to bear with her - now she is horrible to my kids and engaging in emotional blackmail with former H. Yep. She’s a peach. I know we are to pay them no mind, it’s hard when she continues to try to be a destructive force. She has no friends and no redeeming qualities though, so my sense is karma will make an appearance to settle the debt.

Shifting gears a little bit, I’ve been growing impatient and sullen about my stand. Angry at H horrible behavior, treatment of the boys, monstering and even financial neglect.  This week I decided to test my impatience and God and I asked for a sign - direct from the H, and I got it today. It was not a good one. Still deep in replay after three years he exhibits no regret, no remorse and now he is continuing not to pay his share of the kids common expenses. It’s all designed to intimidate. So I got my sign. Wasn’t what I wanted. Really struggling to discern - I felt literally compelled to stand, but H behavior shows no signs of improvement - he still a close contractor via monster, but I’ve had no positive touch and goes for nearly a year. How do people continue to stand when the MLCer is not providing any positive input??? Feeling disheartened.
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BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

M
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3boys, I completely understand your frustration at this point. Been there. Unfortunately, 3 years usually makes no difference to their crisis. Actually, at 3 years, they are as deep as can be. His monster and financial neglect of the kids is just a sure sign that he is still in Replay. His money is still his money. He doesn't share.

I also understand your feelings regarding the OW. Very difficult to give no thought to someone who is a major contributor in the destruction of your family. It's been the same for me. The anger and disbelief that someone would knowingly and in a determined manner pursue someone else's H is unbelievable to me. Then yours was a friend, so that is a double betrayal. Lots to let go. However, being 3 years ahead of you, I'm going to tell you that you gradually give less attention to the OW just because they are not worthy of our attention. The OW usually keeps showing what a wreck of a person they are. As you say, she has no friends. Everyone can see what kind of person she is and avoid her, except the man in crisis. Your H has to keep going through his crisis, and hopefully he will eventually start thinking mature thoughts.

How do you stand? Don't think of it as standing. You keep focusing on yourself and living life as best you can for you and the boys. And what will happen will happen.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Oh Milly, God bless you, I needed a friend like you today. Thank you for your wisdom, and gentle reminders. 💗
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BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

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How do you stand? Don't think of it as standing. You keep focusing on yourself and living life as best you can for you and the boys. And what will happen will happen.

EXACTLY!  You are not "Standing" for your mid-lifer, you are using the time to grow in your own life and, if the Mid-Lifer decides one day to get his or her head out of their ..... fog...... then the LBS can step back, see where they are and whether or not the Mid-Lifer still has a place in their new and improved lives....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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