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Author Topic: My Story How did I get here?

H
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My Story How did I get here?
OP: December 27, 2019, 09:10:46 AM
Hi all this is my story.

I am 53 and wife is 51,  We have been married for 22 years and together for 26.  We have 2 sons aged 18 and 20.  I came home from a fishing trip on 9/29/19 to find the wife moved out of our family home and rented an apartment less than 3 miles away.  All I got was note on the counter consisting of 5 lines.  She had never nagged or complained about our relationship prior to this but I could sense that things were not right with her for the past year.  We never fought.  She has always bottled her feelings and we had a lack of communication in our relationship.  She was a great mother to the boys and we had just dropped off our youngest at college the previous month.  Her actions before and after the move lead me to believe she is in a MLC here are a few.

1. When I asked her why she left I get weird/different responses.
2. She has not offered to discuss anything about us other than telling me she needs time.
3. She has only confided in her sister and avoids friends who ask questions.
4. She just tells people/friends/coworkers we weren't getting along and have separated.
5. She has been on a circuit of fun attending sporting events, plays, movies, etc.
6. She called my sons at college to inform them that she had moved out telling them we weren't getting along.  Letting them think our split is mutual.
7. She works out a lot and has lost weight. (been going on for 6 months prior to move)
8. She has had cosmetic procedures including botox injections.  (this is not like her at all)
9. There is no physical or emotional affair taking place.


Not sure if shes in a MLC or is just a WAS.  I made mistakes at first but have been following the guidelines found here for the past month.  She is a devout catholic as am I and after she had a private meeting with our priest all he told me was it was the weirdest conversation he had ever had with a spouse in this situation.  Said she would not really talk about anything.  He was the one who initially suggested MLC.  I am currently doing much better and have gotten a ton of great information reading other people stories.  I am just confused about whether she is in a MLC or is suffering from some other issue and would like any and all opinions.  Our sons are devastated and have had limited contact with her through this.  They live with me when they are home from school on breaks.  They are worried about her as am I.  She says she is happy but how can this be true when our sons are hurting?  She has started to make more consistent contact with them but they elected to stay home with me for Christmas rather than travel with her for the day to visit her family.  Her mother and two sisters have all run from relationship problems before.  Her mother and younger sister have both divorced twice.

Any help appreciated.

HD



 
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W51
M54
Together 28 Married 23
S21  S19
BD 9/29/19 (Moved out while I was away for weekend with no prior warning.  I was shocked)

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Re: How did I get here?
#1: December 27, 2019, 10:03:40 AM
Hey HD,

Hmmmm... lots of  stuff in there. Learned behavior from family (running), empty nest syndrome, bottling up emotions........
She's probably very lost and confused.... asking herself if her value and purpose are all used up.
Sounds like she's searching for help or to escape aging..... talking to the priest, getting in shape, botox,  etc.
Worried about being the bad guy...... making it sound mutual... she knows it isn't.
Leaving a letter...... not facing you is guilt.
The shadow/Pre-BD sounds spot on...... getting ready to escape to some fantasy reality.

She'll need time and space, try not to let yourself take it personal. It really isn't.

Hang in there,
She'll go away for a bit, and as she feels safe will stick her head back into your life. That's when your openings will start for communicating, and that's somewhere you will need to shine when she comes looking. Communication was bad, and she'll be thinking about that. You're going to have to show that it's different, constantly. You will get your chance in that area when she's ready.
This is the time to fix you, and improve. No being weak while she's going thru this period. She will act strong and happy but won't be on the inside. She will be attracted to strength, and that needs to be you. If there was genuine things she had identified in the past (about you), now is the time to deal with them. Since she moved out, when she does see you again (or drops in) it needs to be a "wow" moment for her while still being familiar (and totally safe).


You got this, you can do it, you can succeed.

-SS
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W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

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Re: How did I get here?
#2: December 27, 2019, 10:59:24 AM
Welcome Hoosier,

I'm sorry you are going though this, but you found a good place with people who will support you, and understand what you are going through.  You're not alone.

From everything you said , she pretty much ticked all the boxes for a MLC.  Unless she is going through menopause, they seem to act about the same sometimes.  My mom went though it for a few years, then slowly came out of it when her hormones settled down.

But it really doesn't matter what the reason is, she left and wants space.  All you can do is give it to her.  When you do talk to her I would stay away from any relationship talks or questions.  It will just be pressure to her and she has no answers for you anyway.  She pretty confused right now.

Standing is right, try not to take anything personal, it really has nothing to do with you or your marriage.  You didn't break her and you can't fix this.  She has to figure this out by herself.

If you saw problems in your marriage it would be a good idea to do a little mirror work.  Just to better yourself, not to win her back.  Do it for yourself. 
I'm glad the boys are with you.  They need one sane parent right now.

This is not going to be easy, but you need to put yourself first now and live your life.  IF she comes back it will take a long time.  Some do, some don't so don't put your life on hold.  She won't.

Are you ok, financially?  If you are just be sure to protect your finances.

Keep posting and reading.  There's usually always someone around.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

S
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Re: How did I get here?
#3: December 27, 2019, 11:29:12 AM
Hoosier -
Attaching...
Welcome and you've gotten great advice from two great people already.
Old Pilot will come along and give you articles, etc.

We are here for you so read, read, read, post, post, post and work on yourself to be the best version of you possible.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you're in good company.

Sea
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Seahorses have one mate for life...

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Re: How did I get here?
#4: December 27, 2019, 11:46:44 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
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Re: How did I get here?
#5: December 27, 2019, 12:28:35 PM
Hoosier,

So sorry you are here, your spouse sounds fairly classic MLC. Unfortunately this typically comes with an OM, I know you don’t believe one is in the picture right now, but please prepare yourself that this is quite likely happening - your W will do things you never ever imagined. I got sooo angry when people would suggest my H was having an affair - he would NEVER do something like that - turns out he was having affairs with not one but 2 of my girlfriends as well as hook ups from online apps, Asian massage parlor prostitution etc. I was absolutely stunned and baffled - within a couple of weeks after BD, when I repeatedly asked him if he was having an affair he told me “absolutely not” more times than I can count as well as “if either one of us has an affair it would be a deal breaker” - I am not trying to give you more heart ache - I do believe had I listened to well meaning friends, I may have detached more quickly and protected our family finances differently - that six months cost me at least $30k, plus the traumas kept coming as secrets and lies revealed constantly over the first year...

I wish you some peace. Take deep breaths, go for walks, your mind is likely reeling, find a couple of friends you can confide i in RO, and take care of you and your kids.

3Boys
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BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

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Re: How did I get here?
#6: December 27, 2019, 12:49:11 PM
She definitely sounds like she's having a MLC. Sometimes they do things rather abruptly, like moving out without telling anyone or having a BD. As others have stated, there isn't much you can do right now but take care of yourself and be prepared for an OM to surface at some point. No one wants to believe their spouse is having an affair at first but they're very common for MLCers.
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MLC XH - 40 at BD
M - 32 at BD
My grandmother died 12/16
Mini BD - Jan 2017  - Doesn't want to be married to a "sad" person.
BD - July 2017 - spent the previous 3 months in his home country with OW
OW discovered Aug 2017
EA started Dec 2016? PA start unsure
Filed for D - Aug 2017
D - Nov 2017
Married - 15 Y
No kids
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H
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Re: How did I get here?
#7: December 27, 2019, 03:02:46 PM
It's now 2 days past Christmas and she hasn't even attempted to contact our sons.  We last saw her Christmas eve when we attended church together as a family and gave her gifts afterward.  When the boys are in town she always invites us to attend mass with her.  She typically acts like everything is fine and even goes out with us for dinner afterward.  Some people at church know the current situation but most don't.  Is this typical behavior?  When the boys are at school she will not sit with me and typically tries to attend a service that she knows I don't typically attend.

HD



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W51
M54
Together 28 Married 23
S21  S19
BD 9/29/19 (Moved out while I was away for weekend with no prior warning.  I was shocked)

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Re: How did I get here?
#8: December 27, 2019, 03:09:12 PM
HD -
I believe that that is pretty typical MLCer behavior.
She doesn't want to be with you, be seem with you, etc.

FWIW - It's good that the's still going to church, imo.
So often, they turn from God and their beliefs as well as their family.

Keep praying.  God listens.

Sea
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s
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Re: How did I get here?
#9: December 27, 2019, 03:14:09 PM

This is not going to be easy, but you need to put yourself first now and live your life.  IF she comes back it will take a long time.  Some do, some don't so don't put your life on hold.  She won't.


I'm sorry you are going through this HD, but I hope you will find some wisdom and encouragement here that will help you. 

Thunder has been here for awhile now and has given you some very good advice.  Use what you think pertains to you and your situation. 

I quoted four of her sentences that applied to me when the bomb drop hit me in 2016. 

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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

 

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