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Author Topic: My Story How did I get here?

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My Story Re: How did I get here?
#10: December 27, 2019, 03:56:08 PM
Hi Hoosier,

How does this happen, without warning, without a conversation, without trying to get therapy and work on sorting out what needs sorting...how does this happen as we have knelt together at mass..in my marriage, for 32 years.

Our priest talked to my husband as well...our priest comment to me as he shook his head, that there was a disconnect between my husband's head and his heart.

I still see my husband, it's been 10 years since he sent me away. I think, based upon our latest contact is that he is still in crisis. He appears normal, seems to function well...but something is missing in him...something that once was.

He is still receiving the Eucharist. Still attends mass.

Sometimes it did not feel like there was a lot of support or understanding that I continue to love him and continue to remain faithful to the Sacrament of Marriage. God and I talk a great deal about this.

Here is one resource you might find helpful:
The Gift of Self: A Spiritual Companion for Separated and Divorced Faithful to the Sacrament of Marriage Paperback – July 1, 2015
by Maria Pia Campanella

They also have a monthly conference call. I used to participate but it's been a long time since I did so.

The other resource that I have found incredibly helpful is Rejoice Ministries.
  https://www.rejoiceministries.org/devotions/charlyne_cares/

They have daily devotionals and there is also a Saturday devotional that you can explore written by men.

Some of my Catholic friends encourage me to get an annulment. I disagree. There was nothing in our marriage that would have given cause to it's invalidity, although these days there are many annulments granted quite easily.

This hurts so terribly, it takes it's toil on us and we have to take very good care of ourselves, physically, emotionally and spiritually. If you priest identified it as MLC, then you have a very good person to confide in.

I am blessed that our priests have been amazing with me.

Take care, pray, ask Our Mother to intercede.

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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: How did I get here?
#11: December 27, 2019, 05:43:24 PM
It's now 2 days past Christmas and she hasn't even attempted to contact our sons.  We last saw her Christmas eve when we attended church together as a family and gave her gifts afterward.  When the boys are in town she always invites us to attend mass with her.  She typically acts like everything is fine and even goes out with us for dinner afterward.  Some people at church know the current situation but most don't.  Is this typical behavior?  When the boys are at school she will not sit with me and typically tries to attend a service that she knows I don't typically attend.

HD

Very very common HD..... actually more than likely it will be the norm for a long time. The MLC'er tries to keep up appearances as best they can.... not for you, not for the kids..... so that everyone thinks all is swell and dandy. It's like those fake people on Facebook, trying to make their lives look so wonderful and they are just a disaster in real life. That's the MLC'er, but they apply the same principle to their whole life.

Hang in there, you're on the way.

-SS
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Re: How did I get here?
#12: December 28, 2019, 05:05:09 AM
HD -
I believe that that is pretty typical MLCer behavior.
She doesn't want to be with you, be seem with you, etc.

FWIW - It's good that the's still going to church, imo.
So often, they turn from God and their beliefs as well as their family.

Keep praying.  God listens.

Sea


Yes,

Her faith has not faltered through this fortunately.  Her twitter page is full of spiritual messages.  I am glad for this but it kind of makes it seem that she is really struggling to find herself.  I am preparing myself for her to find an OM soon.  I will have to accept this because it seems that this needs to happen for her to progress to the next stages.

HD
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BD 9/29/19 (Moved out while I was away for weekend with no prior warning.  I was shocked)

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Re: How did I get here?
#13: December 28, 2019, 07:20:03 AM
Yes Hoosier, they do tend to find someone else when their in this state of mind, but not all of them do.
I would just prepare for it, like you said, so you're not blindsided.  They do lie a lot.  Oh my goodness some lie over the most ridiculous things.

I hope maybe her faith will help her through this without getting too crazy.

Just take good care of yourself, Hoosier.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: How did I get here?
#14: December 28, 2019, 07:40:51 AM
Ditto what Thunder said.

AND - you never know because sometimes the "other person" is also a "valued member" of the church, so...

Just guard your heart, listen to God.

Sea
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Re: How did I get here?
#15: December 28, 2019, 11:55:54 AM
So she stopped by the house today to drop of Christmas gifts for our sons and to let me replace a fog light on her car.  She included a short note in their cards trying to explain to them why she left.  My oldest son read his to me.  It basically said she was sorry that she made him sad but she left because she felt that I did not care about her the past several years and she couldn't go on pretending that everything was ok anymore.  Said she hopes to find someone in the future that cares about her.  He wants to respond to her telling her that she and I should of talked about our feelings toward each other rather than pretending all was good.  Should I let him or would that be a bad idea? We don't want to make matters worse.  Any guidance on this would be appreciated.

HD
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Together 28 Married 23
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BD 9/29/19 (Moved out while I was away for weekend with no prior warning.  I was shocked)

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Re: How did I get here?
#16: December 28, 2019, 12:09:47 PM
HD -
I would let your son speak his heart.
From him -- not from you.

That's my opinion.
Out of the mouth of babes...

Sea
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Re: How did I get here?
#17: December 28, 2019, 12:38:40 PM
In my experience, your son needs to figure out his own relationship with his mother. As long as he knows that what she wrote is her interpretation and that you had no idea she felt that way, let him have whatever conversation he needs to have. The only thing older children need is to know both her position and yours, from as close to a factual point of view as you can get. My kids were told to lie to me by their father. When I found out, I told them they got to choose what they do, but it's really screwed up when someone tells you to lie to another and that I was upset that they decided not to tell me the truth. I asked "why is what he wants more important than what I want?" It didn't ruin my relationship, in fact made it stronger and made them think about how their actions affect others.

Btw, her saying "you didn't care about her" is the same garbage I got. Your wife has no idea whether you cared about her or not, because she did not bother to express her feelings and find out from YOU  how you actually felt. Imo, she does not care for herself and projects that onto you. Ie, if I feel this way it must be true, so he must feel this way.
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Re: How did I get here?
#18: December 28, 2019, 07:38:33 PM
So she stopped by the house today to drop of Christmas gifts for our sons and to let me replace a fog light on her car.  She included a short note in their cards trying to explain to them why she left.  My oldest son read his to me.  It basically said she was sorry that she made him sad but she left because she felt that I did not care about her the past several years and she couldn't go on pretending that everything was ok anymore.  Said she hopes to find someone in the future that cares about her.  He wants to respond to her telling her that she and I should of talked about our feelings toward each other rather than pretending all was good.  Should I let him or would that be a bad idea? We don't want to make matters worse.  Any guidance on this would be appreciated.

HD


I forgot to add that his mom told him he could not open the card till after she left.
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BD 9/29/19 (Moved out while I was away for weekend with no prior warning.  I was shocked)

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Re: How did I get here?
#19: December 29, 2019, 03:54:47 AM
I'm sorry she choose to do this.  Seems to be a pretty cruel thing to do at Christmas.

But then it is all about her, isn't it?   ::)

I agree, I would allow your son to say what he feels and I hope you don't take this personal.  They get so strange when their in this crisis.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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