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Author Topic: My Story How did I get here?

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My Story Re: How did I get here?
#20: December 29, 2019, 04:50:00 AM
I'd say too that the whole letter/note thing is very typical: Not wanting to be responsible or allow others to give feedback about what they're doing. Very typical. Can't allow any guilt, but the need to justify is so strong (often silently or one-wayish).

I think you'll get to a point on that which changes from outrage or shock to one of just shaking your head..... or laughing.

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W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

H
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Re: How did I get here?
#21: December 29, 2019, 06:11:13 AM
I'd say too that the whole letter/note thing is very typical: Not wanting to be responsible or allow others to give feedback about what they're doing. Very typical. Can't allow any guilt, but the need to justify is so strong (often silently or one-wayish).

I think you'll get to a point on that which changes from outrage or shock to one of just shaking your head..... or laughing.

-SS

No outrage here I'm just shaking my head.  I feel sorry for her and guilt that I can not do anything to help her.
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W51
M54
Together 28 Married 23
S21  S19
BD 9/29/19 (Moved out while I was away for weekend with no prior warning.  I was shocked)

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Re: How did I get here?
#22: December 29, 2019, 06:19:08 AM
Yes I did too Hoosier.

I know this was not my H in his right mind.  We were together for many years and he never had a selfish bone in his body.  Always a very kind man.

It's terrible what happens to them.  No one chooses to have a midlife crisis.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: How did I get here?
#23: December 29, 2019, 07:20:16 AM
I'd say too that the whole letter/note thing is very typical: Not wanting to be responsible or allow others to give feedback about what they're doing. Very typical. Can't allow any guilt, but the need to justify is so strong (often silently or one-wayish).

I think you'll get to a point on that which changes from outrage or shock to one of just shaking your head..... or laughing.

-SS

No outrage here I'm just shaking my head.  I feel sorry for her and guilt that I can not do anything to help her.

You are right that you can't help her until or unless she starts to help herself.
Please don't feel guilty, my friend. This is her creation.
And, worth pointing out a bit of reality too in case you missed it...
Her justification is that you didn't really care about her...but she knew you'd care enough to fix her fog light.
And her justification that you didn't care about her....has nothing to do with her choice to not see her young adult sons over Christmas, ask them how they are feeling and try to have a respectful honest loving conversation with them as their mother instead of a hit and run Mrs Sadz self pity card with control rules about when they could open it.
I hope you can see that.
It's important not to let their gaslighting justifications become our truth.

And your son should speak his truth as he sees fit without fear bc after all, if he does not, how can he ever have a mutually respectful independent relationship with her? But it must be his choice and his feelings not yours imho.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: How did I get here?
#24: December 29, 2019, 08:06:56 AM
HD, welcome to the unthinkable.   Where everything you ever thought you knew about your (ex) spouse will become a questionable lie.  You've been given lots of good, solid advice to this point, so I don't have much more to really add.

I do think that her adding that she's hopes to find someone who cares for her is just a guilty segue into the OM making his "sudden" appearance,  unfortunately.   And, the fact that she enforced the timing of them reading this just screams of control and cowardice.....two things the MLC'er doles out in spades.  She's got a lot to say in her defense, but she sure isn't going to stick around to hear anything that will deflate the fantasy bubble.  Mlc or whatever, she's got some issues.
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H
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Re: How did I get here?
#25: December 29, 2019, 08:49:14 AM
Hi Hoosier,

How does this happen, without warning, without a conversation, without trying to get therapy and work on sorting out what needs sorting...how does this happen as we have knelt together at mass..in my marriage, for 32 years.

Our priest talked to my husband as well...our priest comment to me as he shook his head, that there was a disconnect between my husband's head and his heart.

I still see my husband, it's been 10 years since he sent me away. I think, based upon our latest contact is that he is still in crisis. He appears normal, seems to function well...but something is missing in him...something that once was.

He is still receiving the Eucharist. Still attends mass.

Sometimes it did not feel like there was a lot of support or understanding that I continue to love him and continue to remain faithful to the Sacrament of Marriage. God and I talk a great deal about this.

Here is one resource you might find helpful:
The Gift of Self: A Spiritual Companion for Separated and Divorced Faithful to the Sacrament of Marriage Paperback – July 1, 2015
by Maria Pia Campanella

They also have a monthly conference call. I used to participate but it's been a long time since I did so.

The other resource that I have found incredibly helpful is Rejoice Ministries.

They have daily devotionals and there is also a Saturday devotional that you can explore written by men.

Some of my Catholic friends encourage me to get an annulment. I disagree. There was nothing in our marriage that would have given cause to it's invalidity, although these days there are many annulments granted quite easily.

This hurts so terribly, it takes it's toil on us and we have to take very good care of ourselves, physically, emotionally and spiritually. If you priest identified it as MLC, then you have a very good person to confide in.

I am blessed that our priests have been amazing with me.

Take care, pray, ask Our Mother to intercede.


We went to mass together again last night.  She asked if me and the boys were going and I told her yes and she was welcome to join us.  This week was the feast of the holy family - how ironic.  The homily was about relationships and how they define ones true happiness.  Priest went on to bless all families including those in estrangement and divorced.  I had to hold back my tears and remain strong.  I glanced over at her and she just had a stoic look on her face showing no emotion. SMH.  After mass she asked if we were going out for dinner which we were so we invited her along.  We had a nice time and good conversation.  Should I have said no and not invited her to either?  Am I breaking the rules of detachment?  It seemed the right thing to do but I don't know.  Much confusion in my head these days.

HD
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W51
M54
Together 28 Married 23
S21  S19
BD 9/29/19 (Moved out while I was away for weekend with no prior warning.  I was shocked)

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Re: How did I get here?
#26: December 29, 2019, 09:02:00 AM
No HD, you did the right thing.

Detachment is about keeping your emotions in check, not brushing them off. Inviting her was the right thing to do. It shows that she is welcome, loved, and wanted. They need that, and to feel not judged.
Many of them feel like they are discovering themselves (not sure if yours falls into this category) and the need to feel welcome is very important.... otherwise they run to find welcome elsewhere.

You did good. The service was also a good thing in that a message was sent to her by someone who isn't you. Very good.

That she's asking to be included is also very good.

Go slow, be gentle, be strong. Love, empathy, patience, support.

If she opens up and starts talking about her feelings openly (which she may), same rules: Listen, don't judge (no matter what), empathize, congratulate good things and behaviors, and above all listen with undivided attention. Tell her the good things you like and admire about her (honestly). She will likely want to know more about this. Be honest and real, but don't push or apply pressure or expectations. Gentle. This is how you win a new trust, and gain value in her eyes (as a trusted friend).

-SS
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W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
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BD - 27th April 2019

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Re: How did I get here?
#27: December 29, 2019, 09:17:41 AM
HD
Don't worry about feeling confused. It's a confusing situation and how you feel is normal.
And don't worry about any 'rules' of anything.
There are none bc this isn't a situation where you slot A into piece B like that.

Detachment is for you. To reduce the damage to you and to enable you to choose your responses rather than react based on how you feel.
If dinner didn't cost too much emotionally or lead you to have inappropriate expectations, no biggie. Kindness and respect is only a bad thing if it damages you or your sons bc folks in crisis are given to take an inch and turn it into a self-serving mile without respect for anyone else.

Time will show you more about what is going on and what you can or can't do with your w, or indeed if this is an MLC situation or one in which she is open to you acting as a friend in any way as Standing describes.

My honest belief is that if your spouse is in crisis, very little you do will influence them positively. A common newbie way of thinking - and we all did it - is to believe we can nice them back and to worry that detaching ourselves from them and their crisis will push them further away. That rarely seems to be so bc normal 'rules' no longer apply.

If it is important to you to treat your w with some basic civility and kindness, and you can do so without making life worse for you, imho nothing wrong with that. That is about who you are not who she is right now...but it can be hard to do without having expectations.

But detachment is for you, to gradually unhook yourself from whatever rollercoaster she is riding and to be able to focus on putting you and your son's needs first when your w will not. It is not easy after a long marriage and family life....which is why the church theme was moving for you...but you will learn through trial and error what works best for you in your situation. And all of us struggle with it and doubt ourselves and make some mistakes along the way. In this instance, it sounds as if church and dinner were both fine and without drama or distress. Some wives, and I think more wives seem to do it than husbands perhaps, do seem to want an appearance of family life even when they are saying they no longer want to be part of that family as they were....you'll see it referred to as cake-eating here....sometimes it is just part of their story that everyone will be fine and what they are doing is no big deal, sometimes it is a bit of denying the real consequences perhaps, sometimes a kind of reassurance and sometimes simply wanting the good stuff without the responsibility. Time will tell if this is a pattern with your w and what you can safely afford to offer while looking after yourself.
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« Last Edit: December 29, 2019, 09:21:28 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: How did I get here?
#28: December 29, 2019, 10:35:02 AM
Good morning Hoosier,

I just came from Mass....Our priest asked us to focus on each of the three individuals of the Holy family, Jesus, Mary and Joseph and went on to talk about their obedience to God, Mary's fiat, Joseph taking her as his wife even though she was pregnant, Christ's "I came to do the will of the one who sent me"...all obedient to Our Lord.

Going to mass with your wife and as a family is in a whole different league than whether you are detached or not. It is mass. Absolutely no reason not to go together, pray together and be blessed together. Going out to dinner together is also a way of showing unconditional and agape love.

As an LBSer, I have to put aside my wants/needs and desires as long as he is in crisis. Both because God has asked me to and because my Beloved will remember that I shown him kindness regardless of what he has done.

The readings today: Saint Paul to the Colossians 3:12-21...."Put on, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another , if one has a grievance against you; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do.......Husbands. love your wives and avoid any bitterness towards them"

Pretty well sums it up..if I am going to live a Christian life than I must try to live as Christ asked..."Love one another as I have loved you".

Don't worry that by "allowing" her to be a part of your family life that somehow this is "wrong". It truly is not.

God bless you and your family on this feast of the Holy Family.
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« Last Edit: December 29, 2019, 10:36:20 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: How did I get here?
#29: December 29, 2019, 12:26:26 PM
I kind of agree with xyzcf apart from what she says about her choice to put her needs to one side for a spouse in crisis.
It is her choice and her right to make.
And bc xyzcf is a wise woman as well as a grace-filled one, I am going to assume that she doesn't mean that her needs don't matter at all but that she has found a balance between these things.

I don't think God wants any of us to be a sacrificial lamb on the altar of someone else's crisis.
I think we matter just as much to Him as our spouses do.
And for all I know, the loss of my attachment to my former h may be necessary for my xh's path to healing that God can see and I can't. But I am pretty sure that God thinks I matter just as much as my xh does.

And I think he knows that we are human and we have limitations even with his guidance.
I think he wants us to treat ourselves with love and compassion too as well as doing our best to treat others that way. He wants us to be whole and healthy, all of us. But sometimes I think he knows that we need to carry our own load and hand some things over to him bc they are above our paygrade lol.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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