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Author Topic: My Story How did I get here?

H
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My Story How did I get here?
#90: October 07, 2020, 05:39:31 PM
I survived the one year post BD day. Went to Key West with a group of friends for 5 days and had a great time. W finally reached out to S19 and S21. She sent them each a card saying she missed them and wanted to spend some time with them. S21 said he texted her and told her that would be nice. Time will tell if she follows through.

S21 is really starting to mature and become an adult. The other day he told me that Mom currently has the communication skills of a middle schooler. This follows the script of them regressing to a younger age it seems.

Still Standing,

HD
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W51
M54
Together 28 Married 23
S21  S19
BD 9/29/19 (Moved out while I was away for weekend with no prior warning.  I was shocked)

5
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How did I get here?
#91: October 07, 2020, 07:44:54 PM
Glad to hear you made the year after BD.  Sounds like you had some good healthy fun.  Glad to hear there is some communication initiated from your W to your sons.  I hope this will continue and the communication gets stronger.

Thanks for sharing, it is nice to hear how strong you are.  Wishing you the best through this very crazy time.

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H
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How did I get here?
#92: October 17, 2020, 05:02:36 PM
Got a text from W today on my way into church. “I asked my attorney to file. We will email you more info next week.”

I haven’t responded. Any advice? Not sure how to validate that or even if I should.

I didn’t even know she had an attorney.  She still has never said or written the D word.

HD
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W51
M54
Together 28 Married 23
S21  S19
BD 9/29/19 (Moved out while I was away for weekend with no prior warning.  I was shocked)

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How did I get here?
#93: October 17, 2020, 06:39:29 PM
Good evening.

I am sorry that she has done this, especially in this "strange way"...a text to tell you she is filing.

Something this important should at least require a conversation..some discussion perhaps, you know, you get to ask questions and have some input.

But that is not what people in crisis do. We are kept in the dark and then wham, we receive papers in the mail or a "text".

I received an email, 9 years after BD..we were already legally separated, he had filed for a divorce. It was done..within 60 days I received the final documents in the mail. Up until then, I was covered under his company's health insurance, divorcing me meant I had to pay $1279.00 per month for the next 18 months until I turned 65....I still do not know what the reason for the divorce was..everything is such a secret..he sent the same message to our daughter at the same time he sent it to me...really? I think I should have been informed first but that is truly how "crazy" they are.

But this hurts Hossier..no matter what...this hurts...I read a couple of weeks ago you had dinner together...you would think she could have mentioned something then...but this is so typical of MLCers..their reason is no way to understand what they are doing let alone why.

We both agreed to be married...but only one gets to decide to divorce us.

It was a shock to me and caused me to regress..even after so many years so be aware that all sorts of things will hit you...

I really wish this thing called MLC did not have such a confusing affect on our beloved spouses. Please know that we understand.
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« Last Edit: October 17, 2020, 06:40:51 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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How did I get here?
#94: October 19, 2020, 03:27:05 AM
Got a text from W today on my way into church. “I asked my attorney to file. We will email you more info next week.”

I haven’t responded. Any advice? Not sure how to validate that or even if I should.

I didn’t even know she had an attorney.  She still has never said or written the D word.

HD

I know this is not what you want or wanted and I am really sorry

Now, for the advice part.....

As we said in the Navy, "Batten down the hatches, stow all loose gear and stand by for heavy rolls" aka "Get into your tornado shelter."

Get all your stuff together and get into one sock. You are about to be served with divorce papers and you need any and all evidence/backup/information you can get. Get an attorney of your own if that is appropriate and make sure that there is a fair and equitable agreement. In your case, I hate to say it but the way she has of springing things on you reeks to me that there is something going on behind the scenes so make sure that you are financially protected and that your kids (if applicable) are taken care of. You may very well be shocked/dismayed by the accusations that COULD (not WILL but COULD) be made in the complaint and the revision of history that Mid-Lifers are known for. 

Because she has sprung virtually every step of the way as a surprise on you, you need to consider that there will also be surprises here in her filing.

I think you could reasonably expect to be taken to the cleaners if the Mid-Lifer thinks he/she are "owed" something. Their sense of entitlement is exceeded only by their own over-inflated sense of their own self-worth. They seem to have the mindset of "What is mine is mine and what's yours is mine too if I want it...." Sort of like a toddler....

From here on out, it is NOTHING more than a business deal. No more "friendly" dinners, no more "light conversations over a few beers." STRICTLY business... Time to channel Don Coorleone... You are no longer dealing with your wife or anyone remotely resembling her. You are now dealing with her lawyer.....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Re: How did I get here?
#95: October 19, 2020, 12:28:27 PM
Everything Ursa and xyz said. Tend to your emotional health and be kind to yourself. Divorce is a whole other bag of feelings to go through. But follow Ursa's advice to the letter in physically dealing with her. Your present AND future need to be protected from MLC, and that has to be your focus now.
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"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

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How did I get here?
#96: October 19, 2020, 05:21:45 PM
Oh man, I'm so sorry to hear this. The D-word is a real punch in the gut. Even when it's expected, it is still such a painful, ugly thing. Divorce truly is a form of death.

Everything that Ursa said is correct. You have to separate the business from the relationship side of things. Anything you say can and will be used against you, so remember to be careful about if and when you respond.

So sorry. I've been there and it sucks. But if it's any consolation, in my case I found that once it was over I was better than I was when I was waiting for the axe to fall. But it sucks. Sorry. Take care of yourself.
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

 

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