Author Topic: My Story It's A Wonderful Life  (Read 1717 times)

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story It's A Wonderful Life
« on: December 28, 2019, 02:37:37 AM »
Previous thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11215.0

My new thread starts with one of those little 'God is in the details' moments.

Probably bc of my mother's recent adventures in walking with dementia, as well as my own recovery from life events and the festive season, I had spent a few days feeling a kind of unallocated bucket of regrets that I didn't know what to do with. I didn't want to soft soap myself or ignore how I felt but I didn't know how to turn the feelings into things that could serve me. That there were things that now feel like terrible destructive mistakes that used to feel like treasures before the winds changed. And I couldn't redo them and I couldn't see how to use the regret to learn from them in the present much. Or unpick how much of it I should own vs how much of it was just life/s$it happens. So it was uncomfortable.

And then last night, I went with my new chum to the little mad English cinema I described in my last thread to see 'It's A Wonderful Life'. And it was one of those times when it feels like God is patiently pulling out the books and slowly and lovingly repeating the big bits of the lesson to you.

It is an extraordinary film really, of its time of course, but bc my eyes are different now, I saw it differently. James Stewart is remarkable in it. A man in crisis who had just run out of steam, bewildered friends and family, those desperate pleas for help from a God you're not even sure is hearing you, that dark courtyard place. And that we matter. That each one of us matters more than we know. That the bumpy path to here matters in ways we don't usually see. And that the world can be a kind loving place even when it doesn't feel like it is at all.

So that seemed like a pretty good place to start a new thread and to approach the coming year, even if I expect to post less bc I have less to ask and less to say.
« Last Edit: December 28, 2019, 02:39:29 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline sachat3

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #1 on: December 28, 2019, 02:42:18 AM »
Attaching
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Milly

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #2 on: December 28, 2019, 03:41:07 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, Treasur. I also really like that movie. I'll be looking forward to your posts, even if you haven't much to say, because they are always enjoyable to read. xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Seahorse

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #3 on: December 28, 2019, 09:01:04 AM »
Treasur - attaching...
As always, happy to follow you along.

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Anon

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #4 on: December 28, 2019, 09:39:28 AM »
Attaching Treasur - and I just ordered that movie from the library since I haven't seen it yet! 
"This too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass."
"Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Instead, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #5 on: December 29, 2019, 11:18:53 AM »
Treasur,

Quote
  I had spent a few days feeling a kind of unallocated bucket of regrets that I didn't know what to do with. I didn't want to soft soap myself or ignore how I felt but I didn't know how to turn the feelings into things that could serve me. That there were things that now feel like terrible destructive mistakes that used to feel like treasures before the winds changed. And I couldn't redo them and I couldn't see how to use the regret to learn from them in the present much. Or unpick how much of it I should own vs how much of it was just life/s$it happens. So it was uncomfortable. 

I could have filled mansions with my buckets of regrets.....instead I spent quite a lot of years dragging them around with me. I kept perusing over and over and over the same ones hoping to learn something from them....one might think after so much time the edges on those regrets would have worn smooth and the pain from them would be less sharp. Alas.....that is not how these things work.

For myself I found 2 things in all that wasted time I spent on my regrets.

1) you cannot change the past, you can however waste a great deal of time there and miss the now.

2) regrets are self made, a choice, and at any particular moment I can likewise “unchose” to regret. I can accept the choice I made, the person I was when I made the choice, and the limited amount of information I had in the moment that I regret. I can just accept me for who I am and who I was and have a little compassion for that little courage girl and the difficult choices she was forced to make.

I see you picking your way forward through the regents of the rumble.....you are getting more surefooted everyday. It is a privilege that you let us share in your thoughts as you define this new adventure. You now have Grace your lovely and cuddly little travel companion. But most importantly you have you, and you trust you, and your instinct and your incredible resilient and wonderful self to know what would serve you best to do with this particular bucket.

It is an honor to read your story. I’m so glad you let us see this part of yourself. And I can’t wait to hear what happens next.
❤️
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Online One day at a time

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #6 on: December 30, 2019, 02:22:53 AM »
Jumping on board Treasur.

You are such a deep thinker. I think I avoid getting to the very bottom of my feelings sometimes because as you said, it's uncomfortable. My IC says that I overthink everything and I need to live life.. So hard to know what's best.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline em5731

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #7 on: December 30, 2019, 04:04:02 AM »
Love that movie treasure. 

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #8 on: December 30, 2019, 05:06:47 AM »
Jumping on board Treasur.

You are such a deep thinker. I think I avoid getting to the very bottom of my feelings sometimes because as you said, it's uncomfortable. My IC says that I overthink everything and I need to live life.. So hard to know what's best.

One Day...fully paid up member of the overthinking club here lol. Sometimes it was compulsive, like a hamster on a wheel, and I felt bad and stuck about being like that. But, rightly or wrongly, it seems that digging deep into my own insides - feelings and beliefs as well as thoughts - just seemed to be the necessary path for me. And I have subjected you all to my wordy witterings which you have been most gracious about! I didn't like it much and I wouldn't recommend it, but it was the path I apparently was on and needed to follow to get out of the Forest of Doom  :)

I think, with hindsight, the outside world was so painful and incomprehensible that I needed to build an inner solid foundation before I could reconnect with it. And of course life events left me rather alone. Like a (long) solo retreat perhaps. Each of us finds our own path eventually I suspect; for some it is GAL or a new relationship or engaging with the people with love more, but it just turned out that this wasn't the path for me even if I rather admired it in others. But now I have that foundation again, I can GAL bc I know what matters to me and what I want and absolutely don't want if that makes sense. Truthfully it was easier for me to give up on my h and let go than to stand or try to reconnect; it wasn't worth the risk or cost to me for such poor and painful odds. I just could not see a way that my life would get better with my former h in it in any way, but getting to my own truth took a lot of thinking and digging lol. As OR often says, your mileage may vary  :)
« Last Edit: December 30, 2019, 05:42:14 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #9 on: December 31, 2019, 01:25:29 AM »
Thank you, courageheart, for your thoughts about regrets which seem to be the last bit of my personal rubble.

Grace Update: grace the kitten is now big enough to be able to jump the small fence around the courtyard at the back of the kitchen, if not yet the big garden fence, so she staged a small freedom bid yesterday lol. Distracted by the alluring smells of doggy poop and other people's gardens for a while, but I did eventually manage to scoop her up as she let out an outraged squeak. More outdoor adventures to come in 2020 I suspect.

Mum update: quiet and unresponsive after her fall, my Mum is physically safe albeit with a broken arm and a few bruises. She didn't know who I was when I saw her but was not distressed, just unreachable. As if she has disappeared into a place in her own head. I will try again in the New Year but I have a sense that she may not be around for much longer.


And in the spirit of regrets, I would like to lay some things down on this last day of the year bc it feels like time to turn the page over.

I woke up this morning thinking about curry recipes, a broken car and tidying up on the allotment. Which was very refreshing. I don't think there has been a single day in the last four years when I have not thought about my h as was, or the situation or my own griefs and fears. Obsessively at first and then, with time, more like background music. But I am tired of thinking about it all.

I remember being on a bus with a friend at uni and chuckling about how weird it was to have spent the morning in a philosophy tutorial earnestly talking about the potential reality of inanimate objects when normal people around us on the bus didn't do that. I think I feel the same way now about all things MLC related. Which is a good thing to feel I think. Even if I regret getting lost in my own version of hell for quite a long time....but it just seemed to be the path I had to take to find my way out. I have spent more time wrestling with big spiritual and emotional issues in the last four years than in the preceding fifty lol.....there should be an MLC qualification  :)

But this shift in my mindset feels like a good one to go into the new year with.....

2014: a young friend died suddenly, then h’s grandmother (which kicked off some big FOO drama in h's family) then my uncles’s wife then one of our cats, h unhappy with his job, had the first serious argument in our married life in Aug when h wanted to go to a brothel in Cologne as part of a rich friend’s stag week (I was horrified and left him for three days, he didn’t go but resented me I think, felt I was unreasonable and should trust him….), he started an EA with ow1 at work (until April 2015) when he rang in too distressed to go to work after I left I found out later, had about 40 days of what I thought were healing conversations, thought all was well then his aunt sold what had been h’s real family home and my father diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

2015: h got a new job working away during the week in May, buried my father in July, h fell apart with diagnosed severe depression & ocd in Oct, found out about 2014 EA, mum disappeared into dementia in November, some strange weekend meetups oct-Dec, h evidently very ill, visited friends in Geneva in Dec and had my first panic attack, h came home for horrid Christmas with panic attacks and disappeared on long walk on Christmas Day but may have been with ow2 as I think this started at work Christmas dinner, I spent NY sobbing in Edinburgh with friends believing h on his own at home but who knows

2016: h in psychiatric care back and forwards, more strange weekend meetups feb-may, mum didn't recognise me in Jan, knocked down by a bus in Feb, found care home for mum in March, went to a h family funeral in March with his aunt when h didn’t show up and aunt blamed me for his mental health problems in drunken diatribe…fun, moved his stuff into spare room in March, h's father diagnosed with bowel cancer and had surgery (no idea if he is still alive now in 2019 but he wasn't at xh's wedding in 2018), BD in May with out of the blue ‘divorce is the only option’ text and told there was no ow but h needed to ‘find his own life’ lol, death threats in June were first evidence of ow which he denied, more ‘anonymous’ notes, I ran away to Paris in July, met DV woman and talked to police in Aug, first consultation with L in Sept but just wasn’t emotionally ready to file, saw shark-eyed h in Oct for last f 2 f meeting, h wanted to do MC in Nov and booked IC but didn’t show up, prepped house for sale and insisted h pick up his stuff in Nov but had to threaten to take it to the tip if he didn’t, he took stuff, stole my watch and left his wedding ring on the kitchen table end Nov,  I was diagnosed with cancer in Dec and had surgery, put marital home up for sale in Dec and got cards and invites for both of us from his family

2017: divorce papers on the mat in Jan, h stopped talking to me or his own L,  ran away to the first little house by the lighthouse in April, did a skydive in May, went to Florida in June, found out who ow2 was and realised she had been stalking my LinkedIn for over a year along with info of his debt and stolen money from partial financial disclosures in June, also saw her Fb full of wedding plans before I blocked all social media, realised that he had been living 20 mins away at the weekends since April 2016 when I was struggling to maintain the house, few weird conversations with h in June/July when he admitted to drug use and a psychotic episode and ED as well as lying to his psychiatrist while denying existence of ow2, divorce nisi in June, more ‘anonymous’ notes, struggled with work and shut down old business, found HS in July, stopped standing and refused stbxh’s weird offer to chat every day on the phone, trying to deal with divorce and house sale while stbxh ignored most communication, suicidal by Dec, watchgate on NYE.

2018: refused xh’s requests to meet post-watchgate in Jan, sold parents house in Jan and marital home in Feb, old friend died in Jan, Louis the cat died in Feb, post watchgate weird exhausting conversations with stbxh Jan-March, h sent police to my door in March when I didn't reply to texts, some ranting angry emails from h in March/April, divorce final in April, got an allotment, more ‘anonymous’ notes, h got remarried in June with his family present, had a month to find a new rental place in June, moved to current little house by the sea and went NC changing all my ctc details, xh threatened to sue my L in July for not being polite or acknowledging his depression but didn’t lol, realised I had PTSD in Sept and started EMDR in Oct, lost my passport in December so didn't go to Barcelona for Christmas but did get a few hours where my mum recognised me.

2019: started working again, EMDR treatment, planted roses and built deep beds and a new garden at the house, sent xh a HB text in March and got a FU reply from ow, a few health problems so further treatment, learned to play golf, lots of time on HS but also more contact with friends once I got past the sound of a phone making me want to vomit lol, read 'the Shack',  last big panic attack in August, signed off from PTSD treatment in Nov, Grace the kitten came to live with me in Nov, made a couple of new friends, started slowly to GAL a little, made a work plan for 2020 and set up new business with different focus, mum had a fall and in hospital on Christmas Eve with broken arm, curry and gin NYE night planned with uncle and new chum.

Looking back 2016 and 2017 were doozies and 2018 wasn’t a walk in the park either. It still seems remarkable that I survived those two years. Sure I have forgotten some of the finer details lol.


My best sense looking back is that although I have described my xh as a vanisher, truthfully he was one foot in and one out until May 16 and did pop up wanting to have weird futile conversations or sent some weird ‘thinky’ emails in Oct/Nov 16, June/July 17, Jan/Feb 18 and in April and Nov 19.

What changed was that I gave up on him and put my sanity first so I started saying no thank you.  It’s strange really bc i’m not sure I completely consciously knew why I was giving up on believing that he was going to return to being some kind of recognisable sane decent adult. But I did. By July 2017, I was exhausted, knew I needed to fight for my own recovery and didn’t believe that I could ever find or be myself if he was in my life even at a distance. Whatever it takes to believe that the ‘real’ person you knew still exists behind the storm or to have hope for better with them, I don’t have it. Nothing to do with love or forgiveness even; I just stopped believing that my xh would get ‘better’ and that I would ever feel safe even talking to him again.

Looking back I think my h never really had a cunning plan tbh and, even though he ignored me for months at a time, I don’t think he imagined that I would go NC and that we would never speak again, in fact he said so. It feels as if it was just a series of knee jerk choices that created a chain of events and a lot of burnt bridges. Lots I don’t know including when his affair started but my best guess is he was living a secret life with her from Dec 15 and being seen as a couple by her friends and family in 2016. I suspect he proposed in Dec 16 and that prompted him to file; certainly ow spent a lot of social media time posting wedding stuff in 2016/2017 from the brief time I looked. I have no idea what his version of his timeline might be though.

It is quite educational actually to look at my own timeline of my bit of this experience. I have spent a long time beating myself up for not dealing with it all smarter/better/quicker, for being pathetic in my brokenness. But blimey….looking back it was relentless and surreal and I lost so much….how could I not feel compassion and even a little bit of admiration for all that falling down and stumbling and wrestling and getting up?

It was hell though. And like the Neitsche quote, for sure I looked into the abyss and it looked right back into me. I went to the darkest places of my own heart and mind and soul…and did not always much like the view tbh.

Again looking back, I can see moments when things shifted in me in a way that proved to be important even if I didn’t always know it at the time. I was shocked that my h did not care about my life being threatened in July 16. I let go of hope for my m by Nov 16. I ran away to the sea in April 2017. I let go of hope for my h or any kind of sensible honest conversation in June 2017, my file under F for futile moment. I realised that I would never feel safe with him bc he did not care about what happened to me and that I wanted to feel normal and safe again in about April 2018 with the ridiculous policegate nonsense; I was just bone tired of the abnormality and the drama. I realised that I had PTSD and needed help in late 2018, probably bc I didn't breathe out really until I went NC. I felt my memories and sense of being myself and that I no longer had PTSD in about Sept/Oct 2019. Each shift in perspective moved me forward but it was like an onion, in layers and usually involving tears lol. Sometimes a lot of tears!

I think my real healing started when I started fighting to unpick what was real, honest and normal. Or normal for me anyway….or a new version of normal perhaps. Easier to see with a bit of distance and time.

And 2020?

2020 is my year of creation. Less rebuilding and probably more creating from the ground up. And my focus? Work, money, some new day to day habits, stopping smoking and starting running again, trying new things, challenges, places and people to unearth joy again. Retrieving a couple of old things that please me. Finishing writing a book or two. And feeling safe and stable enough that I can deal with a few normal life events and challenges in a way I have not been able to do so well for a while. Like a small piglet hunting for truffles lol.

I do feel regret that it took me so long to get here but I am grateful to have got here anyway. I look back and see my own flailing around reactions particularly in 2016. Things I wish I had done or did not do. But I had no idea what was going on most of the time and i was mentally on my knees bc the world had gone insane around me.

My biggest regret? That I couldn’t find the clarity to say ‘this is not right and not normal and not ok whatever the reasons for it’ and to start worrying less about my h’s insanity and more about my own survival. Perhaps bc I just could not get past my sense of disbelief enough to accept the reality of what was in front of my face. But not getting to that point kept me feeling like a helpless and invisible victim and that wasn’t good for me. I wish I had found HS sooner bc perhaps some of the vets could have poked me out of my denial hold; but then again some tried in 2017/18 but I was stuck and not ready or able to follow much of their wise advice. It is a difficult thing to acknowledge that you ARE victimised as collateral damage without feeling like a victim I think but victim was a very bad and damaging mindset for me.

The residual ‘I don’t know yet’ stuff? I don’t know if I will ever find out what happened to my xh or how his story unfolds and that’s ok, a little sad but ok. I don’t know how much longer my mother will live but I will deal with my guilt and regret by loving her better while she is still here. I don’t know if I am capable of falling in love again or wanting another man in my life but I trust that i’ll know if I do.

It was one hell of a surreal and painful five years to get to Here.
Even writing that timeline out seems shocking tbh….i had forgotten some of it even if now it no longer carries the punch that it did bc it is in the past.

Thank you for letting me lay it down here in such a long post before the new year starts.
« Last Edit: December 31, 2019, 01:29:35 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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