Author Topic: My Story It's A Wonderful Life  (Read 1715 times)

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story It's A Wonderful Life
« on: December 28, 2019, 02:37:37 AM »
Previous thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11215.0

My new thread starts with one of those little 'God is in the details' moments.

Probably bc of my mother's recent adventures in walking with dementia, as well as my own recovery from life events and the festive season, I had spent a few days feeling a kind of unallocated bucket of regrets that I didn't know what to do with. I didn't want to soft soap myself or ignore how I felt but I didn't know how to turn the feelings into things that could serve me. That there were things that now feel like terrible destructive mistakes that used to feel like treasures before the winds changed. And I couldn't redo them and I couldn't see how to use the regret to learn from them in the present much. Or unpick how much of it I should own vs how much of it was just life/s$it happens. So it was uncomfortable.

And then last night, I went with my new chum to the little mad English cinema I described in my last thread to see 'It's A Wonderful Life'. And it was one of those times when it feels like God is patiently pulling out the books and slowly and lovingly repeating the big bits of the lesson to you.

It is an extraordinary film really, of its time of course, but bc my eyes are different now, I saw it differently. James Stewart is remarkable in it. A man in crisis who had just run out of steam, bewildered friends and family, those desperate pleas for help from a God you're not even sure is hearing you, that dark courtyard place. And that we matter. That each one of us matters more than we know. That the bumpy path to here matters in ways we don't usually see. And that the world can be a kind loving place even when it doesn't feel like it is at all.

So that seemed like a pretty good place to start a new thread and to approach the coming year, even if I expect to post less bc I have less to ask and less to say.
« Last Edit: December 28, 2019, 02:39:29 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline sachat3

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #1 on: December 28, 2019, 02:42:18 AM »
Attaching
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online Milly

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #2 on: December 28, 2019, 03:41:07 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, Treasur. I also really like that movie. I'll be looking forward to your posts, even if you haven't much to say, because they are always enjoyable to read. xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Seahorse

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #3 on: December 28, 2019, 09:01:04 AM »
Treasur - attaching...
As always, happy to follow you along.

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Anon

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #4 on: December 28, 2019, 09:39:28 AM »
Attaching Treasur - and I just ordered that movie from the library since I haven't seen it yet! 
"This too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass."
"Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Instead, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #5 on: December 29, 2019, 11:18:53 AM »
Treasur,

Quote
  I had spent a few days feeling a kind of unallocated bucket of regrets that I didn't know what to do with. I didn't want to soft soap myself or ignore how I felt but I didn't know how to turn the feelings into things that could serve me. That there were things that now feel like terrible destructive mistakes that used to feel like treasures before the winds changed. And I couldn't redo them and I couldn't see how to use the regret to learn from them in the present much. Or unpick how much of it I should own vs how much of it was just life/s$it happens. So it was uncomfortable. 

I could have filled mansions with my buckets of regrets.....instead I spent quite a lot of years dragging them around with me. I kept perusing over and over and over the same ones hoping to learn something from them....one might think after so much time the edges on those regrets would have worn smooth and the pain from them would be less sharp. Alas.....that is not how these things work.

For myself I found 2 things in all that wasted time I spent on my regrets.

1) you cannot change the past, you can however waste a great deal of time there and miss the now.

2) regrets are self made, a choice, and at any particular moment I can likewise “unchose” to regret. I can accept the choice I made, the person I was when I made the choice, and the limited amount of information I had in the moment that I regret. I can just accept me for who I am and who I was and have a little compassion for that little courage girl and the difficult choices she was forced to make.

I see you picking your way forward through the regents of the rumble.....you are getting more surefooted everyday. It is a privilege that you let us share in your thoughts as you define this new adventure. You now have Grace your lovely and cuddly little travel companion. But most importantly you have you, and you trust you, and your instinct and your incredible resilient and wonderful self to know what would serve you best to do with this particular bucket.

It is an honor to read your story. I’m so glad you let us see this part of yourself. And I can’t wait to hear what happens next.
❤️
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline One day at a time

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #6 on: December 30, 2019, 02:22:53 AM »
Jumping on board Treasur.

You are such a deep thinker. I think I avoid getting to the very bottom of my feelings sometimes because as you said, it's uncomfortable. My IC says that I overthink everything and I need to live life.. So hard to know what's best.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline em5731

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #7 on: December 30, 2019, 04:04:02 AM »
Love that movie treasure. 

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #8 on: December 30, 2019, 05:06:47 AM »
Jumping on board Treasur.

You are such a deep thinker. I think I avoid getting to the very bottom of my feelings sometimes because as you said, it's uncomfortable. My IC says that I overthink everything and I need to live life.. So hard to know what's best.

One Day...fully paid up member of the overthinking club here lol. Sometimes it was compulsive, like a hamster on a wheel, and I felt bad and stuck about being like that. But, rightly or wrongly, it seems that digging deep into my own insides - feelings and beliefs as well as thoughts - just seemed to be the necessary path for me. And I have subjected you all to my wordy witterings which you have been most gracious about! I didn't like it much and I wouldn't recommend it, but it was the path I apparently was on and needed to follow to get out of the Forest of Doom  :)

I think, with hindsight, the outside world was so painful and incomprehensible that I needed to build an inner solid foundation before I could reconnect with it. And of course life events left me rather alone. Like a (long) solo retreat perhaps. Each of us finds our own path eventually I suspect; for some it is GAL or a new relationship or engaging with the people with love more, but it just turned out that this wasn't the path for me even if I rather admired it in others. But now I have that foundation again, I can GAL bc I know what matters to me and what I want and absolutely don't want if that makes sense. Truthfully it was easier for me to give up on my h and let go than to stand or try to reconnect; it wasn't worth the risk or cost to me for such poor and painful odds. I just could not see a way that my life would get better with my former h in it in any way, but getting to my own truth took a lot of thinking and digging lol. As OR often says, your mileage may vary  :)
« Last Edit: December 30, 2019, 05:42:14 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #9 on: December 31, 2019, 01:25:29 AM »
Thank you, courageheart, for your thoughts about regrets which seem to be the last bit of my personal rubble.

Grace Update: grace the kitten is now big enough to be able to jump the small fence around the courtyard at the back of the kitchen, if not yet the big garden fence, so she staged a small freedom bid yesterday lol. Distracted by the alluring smells of doggy poop and other people's gardens for a while, but I did eventually manage to scoop her up as she let out an outraged squeak. More outdoor adventures to come in 2020 I suspect.

Mum update: quiet and unresponsive after her fall, my Mum is physically safe albeit with a broken arm and a few bruises. She didn't know who I was when I saw her but was not distressed, just unreachable. As if she has disappeared into a place in her own head. I will try again in the New Year but I have a sense that she may not be around for much longer.


And in the spirit of regrets, I would like to lay some things down on this last day of the year bc it feels like time to turn the page over.

I woke up this morning thinking about curry recipes, a broken car and tidying up on the allotment. Which was very refreshing. I don't think there has been a single day in the last four years when I have not thought about my h as was, or the situation or my own griefs and fears. Obsessively at first and then, with time, more like background music. But I am tired of thinking about it all.

I remember being on a bus with a friend at uni and chuckling about how weird it was to have spent the morning in a philosophy tutorial earnestly talking about the potential reality of inanimate objects when normal people around us on the bus didn't do that. I think I feel the same way now about all things MLC related. Which is a good thing to feel I think. Even if I regret getting lost in my own version of hell for quite a long time....but it just seemed to be the path I had to take to find my way out. I have spent more time wrestling with big spiritual and emotional issues in the last four years than in the preceding fifty lol.....there should be an MLC qualification  :)

But this shift in my mindset feels like a good one to go into the new year with.....

2014: a young friend died suddenly, then h’s grandmother (which kicked off some big FOO drama in h's family) then my uncles’s wife then one of our cats, h unhappy with his job, had the first serious argument in our married life in Aug when h wanted to go to a brothel in Cologne as part of a rich friend’s stag week (I was horrified and left him for three days, he didn’t go but resented me I think, felt I was unreasonable and should trust him….), he started an EA with ow1 at work (until April 2015) when he rang in too distressed to go to work after I left I found out later, had about 40 days of what I thought were healing conversations, thought all was well then his aunt sold what had been h’s real family home and my father diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

2015: h got a new job working away during the week in May, buried my father in July, h fell apart with diagnosed severe depression & ocd in Oct, found out about 2014 EA, mum disappeared into dementia in November, some strange weekend meetups oct-Dec, h evidently very ill, visited friends in Geneva in Dec and had my first panic attack, h came home for horrid Christmas with panic attacks and disappeared on long walk on Christmas Day but may have been with ow2 as I think this started at work Christmas dinner, I spent NY sobbing in Edinburgh with friends believing h on his own at home but who knows

2016: h in psychiatric care back and forwards, more strange weekend meetups feb-may, mum didn't recognise me in Jan, knocked down by a bus in Feb, found care home for mum in March, went to a h family funeral in March with his aunt when h didn’t show up and aunt blamed me for his mental health problems in drunken diatribe…fun, moved his stuff into spare room in March, h's father diagnosed with bowel cancer and had surgery (no idea if he is still alive now in 2019 but he wasn't at xh's wedding in 2018), BD in May with out of the blue ‘divorce is the only option’ text and told there was no ow but h needed to ‘find his own life’ lol, death threats in June were first evidence of ow which he denied, more ‘anonymous’ notes, I ran away to Paris in July, met DV woman and talked to police in Aug, first consultation with L in Sept but just wasn’t emotionally ready to file, saw shark-eyed h in Oct for last f 2 f meeting, h wanted to do MC in Nov and booked IC but didn’t show up, prepped house for sale and insisted h pick up his stuff in Nov but had to threaten to take it to the tip if he didn’t, he took stuff, stole my watch and left his wedding ring on the kitchen table end Nov,  I was diagnosed with cancer in Dec and had surgery, put marital home up for sale in Dec and got cards and invites for both of us from his family

2017: divorce papers on the mat in Jan, h stopped talking to me or his own L,  ran away to the first little house by the lighthouse in April, did a skydive in May, went to Florida in June, found out who ow2 was and realised she had been stalking my LinkedIn for over a year along with info of his debt and stolen money from partial financial disclosures in June, also saw her Fb full of wedding plans before I blocked all social media, realised that he had been living 20 mins away at the weekends since April 2016 when I was struggling to maintain the house, few weird conversations with h in June/July when he admitted to drug use and a psychotic episode and ED as well as lying to his psychiatrist while denying existence of ow2, divorce nisi in June, more ‘anonymous’ notes, struggled with work and shut down old business, found HS in July, stopped standing and refused stbxh’s weird offer to chat every day on the phone, trying to deal with divorce and house sale while stbxh ignored most communication, suicidal by Dec, watchgate on NYE.

2018: refused xh’s requests to meet post-watchgate in Jan, sold parents house in Jan and marital home in Feb, old friend died in Jan, Louis the cat died in Feb, post watchgate weird exhausting conversations with stbxh Jan-March, h sent police to my door in March when I didn't reply to texts, some ranting angry emails from h in March/April, divorce final in April, got an allotment, more ‘anonymous’ notes, h got remarried in June with his family present, had a month to find a new rental place in June, moved to current little house by the sea and went NC changing all my ctc details, xh threatened to sue my L in July for not being polite or acknowledging his depression but didn’t lol, realised I had PTSD in Sept and started EMDR in Oct, lost my passport in December so didn't go to Barcelona for Christmas but did get a few hours where my mum recognised me.

2019: started working again, EMDR treatment, planted roses and built deep beds and a new garden at the house, sent xh a HB text in March and got a FU reply from ow, a few health problems so further treatment, learned to play golf, lots of time on HS but also more contact with friends once I got past the sound of a phone making me want to vomit lol, read 'the Shack',  last big panic attack in August, signed off from PTSD treatment in Nov, Grace the kitten came to live with me in Nov, made a couple of new friends, started slowly to GAL a little, made a work plan for 2020 and set up new business with different focus, mum had a fall and in hospital on Christmas Eve with broken arm, curry and gin NYE night planned with uncle and new chum.

Looking back 2016 and 2017 were doozies and 2018 wasn’t a walk in the park either. It still seems remarkable that I survived those two years. Sure I have forgotten some of the finer details lol.


My best sense looking back is that although I have described my xh as a vanisher, truthfully he was one foot in and one out until May 16 and did pop up wanting to have weird futile conversations or sent some weird ‘thinky’ emails in Oct/Nov 16, June/July 17, Jan/Feb 18 and in April and Nov 19.

What changed was that I gave up on him and put my sanity first so I started saying no thank you.  It’s strange really bc i’m not sure I completely consciously knew why I was giving up on believing that he was going to return to being some kind of recognisable sane decent adult. But I did. By July 2017, I was exhausted, knew I needed to fight for my own recovery and didn’t believe that I could ever find or be myself if he was in my life even at a distance. Whatever it takes to believe that the ‘real’ person you knew still exists behind the storm or to have hope for better with them, I don’t have it. Nothing to do with love or forgiveness even; I just stopped believing that my xh would get ‘better’ and that I would ever feel safe even talking to him again.

Looking back I think my h never really had a cunning plan tbh and, even though he ignored me for months at a time, I don’t think he imagined that I would go NC and that we would never speak again, in fact he said so. It feels as if it was just a series of knee jerk choices that created a chain of events and a lot of burnt bridges. Lots I don’t know including when his affair started but my best guess is he was living a secret life with her from Dec 15 and being seen as a couple by her friends and family in 2016. I suspect he proposed in Dec 16 and that prompted him to file; certainly ow spent a lot of social media time posting wedding stuff in 2016/2017 from the brief time I looked. I have no idea what his version of his timeline might be though.

It is quite educational actually to look at my own timeline of my bit of this experience. I have spent a long time beating myself up for not dealing with it all smarter/better/quicker, for being pathetic in my brokenness. But blimey….looking back it was relentless and surreal and I lost so much….how could I not feel compassion and even a little bit of admiration for all that falling down and stumbling and wrestling and getting up?

It was hell though. And like the Neitsche quote, for sure I looked into the abyss and it looked right back into me. I went to the darkest places of my own heart and mind and soul…and did not always much like the view tbh.

Again looking back, I can see moments when things shifted in me in a way that proved to be important even if I didn’t always know it at the time. I was shocked that my h did not care about my life being threatened in July 16. I let go of hope for my m by Nov 16. I ran away to the sea in April 2017. I let go of hope for my h or any kind of sensible honest conversation in June 2017, my file under F for futile moment. I realised that I would never feel safe with him bc he did not care about what happened to me and that I wanted to feel normal and safe again in about April 2018 with the ridiculous policegate nonsense; I was just bone tired of the abnormality and the drama. I realised that I had PTSD and needed help in late 2018, probably bc I didn't breathe out really until I went NC. I felt my memories and sense of being myself and that I no longer had PTSD in about Sept/Oct 2019. Each shift in perspective moved me forward but it was like an onion, in layers and usually involving tears lol. Sometimes a lot of tears!

I think my real healing started when I started fighting to unpick what was real, honest and normal. Or normal for me anyway….or a new version of normal perhaps. Easier to see with a bit of distance and time.

And 2020?

2020 is my year of creation. Less rebuilding and probably more creating from the ground up. And my focus? Work, money, some new day to day habits, stopping smoking and starting running again, trying new things, challenges, places and people to unearth joy again. Retrieving a couple of old things that please me. Finishing writing a book or two. And feeling safe and stable enough that I can deal with a few normal life events and challenges in a way I have not been able to do so well for a while. Like a small piglet hunting for truffles lol.

I do feel regret that it took me so long to get here but I am grateful to have got here anyway. I look back and see my own flailing around reactions particularly in 2016. Things I wish I had done or did not do. But I had no idea what was going on most of the time and i was mentally on my knees bc the world had gone insane around me.

My biggest regret? That I couldn’t find the clarity to say ‘this is not right and not normal and not ok whatever the reasons for it’ and to start worrying less about my h’s insanity and more about my own survival. Perhaps bc I just could not get past my sense of disbelief enough to accept the reality of what was in front of my face. But not getting to that point kept me feeling like a helpless and invisible victim and that wasn’t good for me. I wish I had found HS sooner bc perhaps some of the vets could have poked me out of my denial hold; but then again some tried in 2017/18 but I was stuck and not ready or able to follow much of their wise advice. It is a difficult thing to acknowledge that you ARE victimised as collateral damage without feeling like a victim I think but victim was a very bad and damaging mindset for me.

The residual ‘I don’t know yet’ stuff? I don’t know if I will ever find out what happened to my xh or how his story unfolds and that’s ok, a little sad but ok. I don’t know how much longer my mother will live but I will deal with my guilt and regret by loving her better while she is still here. I don’t know if I am capable of falling in love again or wanting another man in my life but I trust that i’ll know if I do.

It was one hell of a surreal and painful five years to get to Here.
Even writing that timeline out seems shocking tbh….i had forgotten some of it even if now it no longer carries the punch that it did bc it is in the past.

Thank you for letting me lay it down here in such a long post before the new year starts.
« Last Edit: December 31, 2019, 01:29:35 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online marvin4242

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #10 on: December 31, 2019, 04:54:39 AM »
Wow what a journey and how much you have survived and grown over such a period of time. And although this is not your intent I have to say what a great beacon of hope for others it is to see what is possible even when confronted with so much destruction.

I have no words of wisdom to offer (and none is needed). Only thing I want to say is that sometimes we are too hard on ourselves. We think we “should” have known better, “should” have been stronger, “should” heal faster. In my world those of us who are healthy have a stable psyche. Part of the stability is a certain amount of inertia, that we do not rapidly swing from state to state and mood to mood. We simply can not turn on a dime and let go of our feelings, our beliefs, our values. If we could then maybe we COULD just move on, but doesn’t that then mean we don’t hold things with the value and weight they deserve? Isn’t it interesting that one major characteristic of the MLC fracture is the ability to quickly and completely discard people, emotions, values, and relationships?

We all know how well that works out and how healthy they are. So we need to be kind and understanding of ourselves, that as we heal and grow there are period of what appear to be lack of motion, but it is really laying down new foundations, strengths, emotional “muscle” and when we have new strong and stable pathways we integrate them and grow.

Kind of plant like, they don’t seem like they are growing, then suddenly they shoot up.

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #11 on: December 31, 2019, 06:16:51 AM »
Thank you, Marvin.
Yes it was a hard few years. I have never written it out like that before but felt the need to do so, a kind of purging perhaps.

You're so right.
It took me a long long time to let go of my 'shoulds'. To feel compassion for that brave little loving woman who was trying to hold on to her treasures in what felt like a relentless tsunami. My biggest 'should' was about time, I think, that I should not have been so stuck in the abyss or should have got up off my metaphorical knees quicker. It was a big turning point for me courtesy of my PTSD therapist actually to see that what happened was a big deal, too much loss to shrug off easily for me anyway and that I was unrealistic in my assessment of healing time.

I have very few regrets regarding my h though. I did my best and hunted for ways to still treat him with respect as a human being regardless. It is nice not to have regrets in relation to him.
And how right you are about healthy people not swinging on an emotional dime to discard things we valued for years.

I'm a gardener so I like your plant example. Looking back now, I see plenty of times when I felt stuck but actually wasn't. When I was actually recharging before the next bit or finishing off some things before being able to move forward to the next. One of the loveliest sights imho is a green shoot from a bulb breaking the surface. As you say, there was growing going on underneath all the time way before you see the first hint of green.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #12 on: December 31, 2019, 06:31:27 AM »
What a lovely post, Marvin.

I couldn't have said it any better, Treasur.  You did go through a lot, more than I realized until you wrote it all out.  Whew!
You really are one strong woman.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Seahorse

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #13 on: December 31, 2019, 07:32:54 AM »
Treasur -
Thank you for putting your LBS timeline down to share with us.
You truly have been through more than I imagined; the beginnings I didn't even know about.

I haven't been on HS for more than a couple of years, but Of course, remembering watch gate made me chuckle, and sadness came with the remembrance of Louis the Cat passing.
But...
overall, you've healed and are thriving.
You took your steps one-at-a-time, to get where you are today.

I wouldn't worry about your list of "shoulds" because you needed to be where you were at that given time.  It's okay to have the abyss stare back at you for as long as needed...  You may have never gotten to where you are if you pushed those shoulds faster and farther...

I also would try not to regret not having the ability to say "no" earlier, and knowing what's good and bad for you.  We survive in such a tangled mess of anger, abuse, hostility (call it whatever you want), that we can't recognize how truly bad (toxic) it is to us until we grow, learn and then see life without it.  That all takes time...

Looking forward to hearing about 2020 for you -- your grace and your Grace report, your remaining time with your mother (no guilt), your plantings, new career, books.  It's all so exciting, and you have your HS friends to be with and share your new exciting year!

Hugs, and so proud of your growth,

Sea
« Last Edit: December 31, 2019, 07:36:03 AM by Seahorse »
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #14 on: January 04, 2020, 08:20:25 AM »
This morning I woke up to mild winter sunshine and a need to feel happy as I posted on another thread. So off to the allotment I went for a few hours of digging and clearing. Which was a very good choice of GAL  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Seahorse

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #15 on: January 04, 2020, 12:46:58 PM »
Nice Treasur -
Let us know now the "clean=up" went.

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #16 on: January 04, 2020, 04:15:40 PM »
It’s amazing what you have walked through and you are still forging on.  Life sure is tough, but God is good!  One day at a time!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #17 on: January 07, 2020, 07:27:06 AM »
Thought I would bring my work on progress triggered by this other thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11324.msg754579#msg754579 over to my own.

Quick overview of the issue....was a fractured m a catalyst of crisis or solely fallout? And some thoughts from LP about not causing a fire but owning responsibility for having ones own gasoline can that made the damage worse or exposed me to risk.

My conclusion was that the metaphorical fire (crisis) was an inherent fracture in my h but that bc I married someone fractured, logically our m had a hairline fracture in it too. Even if we both didn't realise how big it was. And that me and other people, over time, adapted around his fractured bits in ways that weren't very safe for me or very respectful of him. And that bc actually (bizarrely perhaps) I think my h did value me and our m very much, so as he felt a weakening of that attachment, it could have been an additional trigger bc it was a big bit of his sense of self and security. So it became a snowball of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So what can I usefully learn given where I am now? Particularly bc I am not looking to reconnect with my xh, expecting to have any bit of his perspective or indeed looking for a new relationship.
What is the equivalent of my gasoline can now?

I have post-trauma thinking still. My emotional reaction to Acorn's question and how long the question stuck in my head and how difficult it was to answer showed me that. I don't like that and I thought I was past it, but I'm not entirely. I have a post-trauma lens on myself and the world. So, more work to do bc that is a kind of gasoline can for me. And to value respect (and self-respect) over love perhaps.

I chose to marry a much younger man and one I knew had FOO and a previous traumatic event in his life. Why? I was niave about the risk and arrogant about how much I mattered to him. I liked how he loved me, I really liked him and I liked our unusual love story. In a sense, both of us probably believed in our own romantic PR lol.  And I believed our relationship was part of the healthy solution instead of seeing that actually it exposed me to the risk of someone else's big FOO. I wasn't a conflict avoider much or much of a fixer, but I was a mind reading excuse maker. I valued love over recriprocal respect, and I placed more weight on my h's frailties than on my own preferences sometimes.

My gasoline can was three things really.
I was not realistic about the risk of his FOO but instead adjusted my expectations around it. ( a bit perhaps of unconsciously modelling my father's behaviour towards my mother bc I identified too much with my father and some rose-coloured glasses about him perhaps)
I did not have a financial or emotional insurance contingency plan bc I saw it as a you+me=us instead of a you+me+us. (I think my h saw it the same way incidentally)
I did not challenge some of his FOO-driven behaviour or mindsets in a way that was detached enough to clearly position it as a) a legitimate discomfort for me and b) his responsibility to figure out without my involvement.

Can't go back and redo that. Not currently looking to try my new mindset out in another intimate relationship either.
So do I still have the same gasoline can in my life toolbox?
Well life experience has kicked some of it out of me naturally.
I understand way more about FOO and dysfunction and trauma and truth than I did before, my own and others. Can't unknow that or unsee it. Or the disadvantages of being a daddy's girl or having a pretty secure childhood lol.
I no longer see myself as having unlimited bandwidth strength as I used to do and I care much more about my safety and sanity and comfort levels than I used to do too. Not sure if that is always a good thing and it may be a bit of a post-trauma creation, but it is where I am.
There is no you and there is no us, just me. And a generalised sense of Nice Others. So my contingency plan - which is frankly poor right now - is the only plan there is.

So, pulling all that together?
My non-gasoline can strategy is to finally GAL plan for just Me with some better risk management bits in it. And to tackle some of my post-trauma thinking about myself and the world which I did not realise I had. (Grrrr) And to value respect over love, and truth over excuses. For me and others.
« Last Edit: January 07, 2020, 07:29:39 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #18 on: January 07, 2020, 12:18:14 PM »
Funny how the uncomfortable threads sometimes push you forwards.
I have been in a blippy funk for a few days here...antsy, not eating, not sleeping. Just not right at all.

Belatedly realising that there is PTSD thinking, then a kind of post-PTSD thinking en route hopefully to a kind of post-post PTSD thinking  ;)

I feel less than I was bc of my reaction to events more than bc of the events themselves.
And I don't like it at all.
I liked who I used to be before this chapter of my life tbh.
Just need to figure out how to shake off the unwanted temporary bits now.

I need a new gasoline can bc I am fed up of the survival one  ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline forthetrees

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #19 on: January 07, 2020, 05:19:17 PM »
It is such a long, long journey. The upside is that even when not whole there is progress to be seen and that brings momentum to keep pluggin´away at it. You have not thrown in the towel on continuing to heal. Yes there will always be some scarred bits (or chunks) but as long as the scars bring wisdom along with the memory of pain, you are a thriver.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline xyzcf

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #20 on: January 07, 2020, 06:05:53 PM »
Quote
Funny how the uncomfortable threads sometimes push you forwards.

Push you forward? Or add unnecessary stress/pain from turning his crisis into something that was "wrong" in your marriage?

When I finally got through the depression caused by the end of my marriage, I didn't recognize or "like" the woman I had become. Back to therapy, which as you know focused on mind/body work...2 years of intense therapy that took the pieces that were floating around my head and bit by bit brought them back into my body.

When I started recognizing xyzcf again, I started to feel at peace.

I will never be the woman I was before bd, the wound is too deep to completely heal from. It took so many years and I think that is normal for the trauma that it causes to some LBSers.

My therapist used a pictorial way of explaining to me, a spiral that moves on a slant upwards...although there are times when I go backwards down the coil, as she told me, and I have found to be true, I have done enough work that I don't go back far...and then I continue moving forward and upward.

The holidays are also a time when we reflect what once was. You are moving forward treasur but in my experience, sometimes analyzing the crisis/the marriage/the relationship needs to stop, because sometimes there really isn't an answer and we exert way too much energy trying to understand why and how we somehow contributed to their crisis.

Disclaimer, these are 100% my feelings and mine alone. Each of us see the world through different lenses. I know what finally worked for me, to get me over the constant "wondering" and allowing myself to be ok with the way things are today.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Nerissa

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #21 on: January 08, 2020, 06:12:46 AM »
Xy, you’ve said pretty much what I tried to say in my post and by pm to Treasur.  Holidays were a thoughtful, yearning period.  Sometimes we really are ok and have done enough on the bits that needed it and it really is about them.

Online gman242

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #22 on: January 08, 2020, 06:44:21 AM »
Quote
the crisis/the marriage/the relationship needs to stop, because sometimes there really isn't an answer and we exert way too much energy trying to understand why and how we somehow contributed to their crisis.

I think we all hit that point and I can understand those on the forum that feel being here only prolongs dwelling on things. I liked the term RCR has on the website "analysis paralysis". It's all too easy to read other threads, compare, contrast and so on. I think maybe it's good to take breaks and realize you don't need the training wheels any more and it's ok to go ahead and live for a while. If and when you do reach a point that'd you'd like to stay on the forum, I think that's fine and understandable as many friendships have been made here over the years.

Following along Treasur!

Online Milly

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #23 on: January 08, 2020, 03:49:37 PM »
I think we can all get stuck in analysis paralysis at various points but after a while, we come here for company, to hear about our friends, at least that's how I feel. I'm 5 plus years in. On the one hand, I wish I were not here posting and I'm a little jealous of those who disappear off the forum, however, I'm moving forward with my life and still enjoy coming here. My kids have all left the house now and I'm living alone after many years of having a house full, so perhaps it's just that I'm missing company. But even that is a good enough reason to come here as far as I'm concerned. We are good people just listening to each other and trying to move forward as stronger people.

I'm lonely now, I accept that, and I come to HS to speak to my friends. When I come here, I find I'm always learning stuff. Of course, I would rather be sitting around a fireplace with cosy couches, some Prosecco, and talking in person to real humans, but I can't have everything in life.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #24 on: January 08, 2020, 03:58:23 PM »
HAHAHAHAHAH, Treasur.......

You know that for some people I have songs that play in my head when I see their name/avatar....

Now when I see you I'm going to think:
"It's a Wonderful (Beautiful) Life.... Waaaa-Ooohhhh..... it's a Wonderful (Beautiful) Life..... Ooooohhhhh".

That's an Ace of Base song (just in case you didn't know).... swap the Beautiful for Wonderful......  ;) ;D 8)

Now where is Thunder? I need to change the channel......
"Thunder..... feel the Thunder....." *boom* *boom*  "Lightning and the Thunder..... Thunder"

 :P

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #25 on: January 09, 2020, 06:56:27 AM »
Grace and me are having an adventure in the garden together. Which is how I found out that Grace likes running and can now scrabble over the higher fences lol. She likes to go on a brief sortie and then come back to the table where I am sat with a chatty miaow and then off again. Like a toddler really. And she finds seagulls rather eye-opening but likes dried leaves. She really IS a very chatty cat though. :)

It was my dad's birthday yesterday. He would have been 80. It was not a good day for me.

But today is better, sturdier.

I remember reading somewhere on an another thread ages ago that there are Choices and Mistakes and Events which are neither for an individual. And often all that distinguishes them is what we believe about them at the time and what we look back and see they produced.

That sounds such a simple thing doesn't it? I think it is.....and it is a also a difficult thing that is maybe very important.

We struggle as LBS initially bc we see our spouses making Choices that we believe are Mistakes. We keep smacking ourselves against a wall trying to get them to see that. But mostly they believe they are Choices. And they are right. And we are right initially too bc of the consequences for us. With time, either one might change their beliefs I suppose depending on Events outside our control or what the Choices/Mistakes produced. I honestly believe though that this Choice vs Mistake dance is a pretty fruitless one where most LBS/MLCers just shout across the wall trying to persuade the other to see it their way. And that some of the 2x4 stuff here about detachment and validation is really about pushing the LBS to accept that their spouses reality is now fundamentally different from their own or from what it was before. That it helps to stop doing that if only bc it is fruitless and exhausting lol. Which means accepting perhaps that things might turn out to be either a Choice or a Mistake but it's too early to tell for either the one. And that it could be both but for different people. I have no idea if the fruit produced by my xh's Choices post-BD (and NOT choosing is also a Choice or Mistake of course) will turn out to be things he believes are Mistakes. Some of them were Mistakes in the short-term for me certainly bc I didn't benefit from them. It is just as possible that with time my beliefs might change too, I suppose, when time shows more fruit to judge them on.

But I didn't want to talk about the MLCer, but about us.

My last sticky bit of PTSD stuff, prompted by another thread, is about what I believe now that gets in the way of my own recovery. As I posted on that thread, essentially it is the residue of what I believe now bc of how I reacted to the trauma....the trauma of the trauma if that makes sense. I doubt that I am on my own with this conundrum lol. Why does it matter for our healing imho? Bc what we think then shapes what we believe and whether we see something as a Choice or a Mistake (or even an Event for which we are not responsible, maybe for which no one is directly responsible). So, as an example, my father's cancer and my mother's dementia were both Events....nobody involved Chose them and they were not Mistakes. How we all responded to those Events had plenty of Choices and some Mistakes, I'm sure. But they were Events. It would be faulty thinking to believe that it was about me or that I caused either.

Yet, the trauma of trauma brain seems to have a story which sounds a bit like.....these terrible things happened all at once, leaving me alone and overwhelmed to the point when I felt I could not stop them or cope with them.....so I made some Choices that were probably Mistakes....which means I am incapable of coping well when uninvited and unanticipated things happen....and the world is full of those things...so I can never feel confident or safe enough again....which means I am permanently impaired so I am even less capable than I used to be before so........And round we go in a big spludgy sort of 'I'm afraid I can't cope now like I used to which means I am stuffed forever' belief lol.

I will dig my way out of this last bit bc I am well enough now to know it isn't entirely accurate and that it isn't a set of beliefs that serve me.  :)

But when I was overwhelmed, I could not have seen that. I could not have realised that I can challenge what I believe and sometimes should bc traumatised or depressed brains lie.
A link that Velika posted https://www.thisamericanlife.org/682/ten-sessions talks about Stuck Points and how looking hard at those beliefs can help people recover from life-altering events. That it isn't about the feelings but about what we believe bc of the experience that we did not believe before. About ourselves, others or the world. And which may not be true either. ::)

When I look back at the last few years....gosh, at my life actually....there were Choices, Mistakes and Events true enough. But it is important to not confuse one for the other imho. As I'm writing this I am musing on what - other than the consequences of time - separates Choice from Mistake? Mostly I think it is about how honest I can be with myself about my own motivation or intent. If I do my best but an Event or others Choices turns a Choice into what looks like a Mistake now? Idk it doesn't seem to carry the same sting or even offer the same lessons bc usually I would have made the same Choice based on the information I had at the time.

A lot of recent debate about causes and effects and priorities, as well as different POV on what LBS 'should' be doing or believing, seems to me to be right on the Choices, Mistakes and Events dartboard......

So my musings for the New Year are about encouraging us all to kindly separate Choices, Mistakes and Events as part of our own recovery. Oh and to give you a mental picture of a small grey cat running at full speed down a long stone path in the sunshine and then pausing to miaow triumphantly to her chuckling human  :). Grace was definitely a Choice.  :)...but prefers Mozart to Ace of Base I'm afraid, Standing!

My dad was a big Choices guy. I think he'd like where I am taking my brain now lol.
« Last Edit: January 09, 2020, 07:06:22 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #26 on: January 10, 2020, 04:15:57 AM »
Musing on my thinky walk this morning about PTSD.
I think most LBS here experience some level of depression and/or anxiety after BD.
But not everyone gets PTSD which as someone PMed me is 'almost like a disability'.

So I was wondering why I think I did....

The best working definition of PTSD that I have found - that talks about cause as opposed to symptoms - is that you experience traumatic events that overwhelm your individual capacity and resources to cope with them....so it is pretty individual.

In my case, I had multiple events and losses including a couple of life-threatening ones in a relatively short period of time. And the losses also removed my core support system. And I was emotionally abused and devalued for a longer period of time, so the smaller hits kept coming for a couple of years after the big ones. I got PTSD bc I lost too much all at once (for me) and bc I had limited resources outside myself. Looking back, do I think I might have avoided PTSD? Perhaps.....by limiting my exposure to the smaller hits and by asking for help from others much earlier. So either reducing the exposure to new trauma and/or increasing my capacity by having a stronger support system. Maybe by understanding the risk of getting PTSD and seeing a trauma specialist earlier? Not blaming myself for any of this. It was as it was and I did my best based on what I knew....but it would be nice if others reading my story might be able to avoid normal anxiety spiralling into PTSD.  ;)

For any of you who believe you have - or did have - PTSD, why do you think you got it?
And do you think looking back that there was anything you could have done to avoid getting it?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Nerissa

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #27 on: January 10, 2020, 06:21:46 AM »
I would have been traumatised by the sudden  end of my marriage anyway, I’ve no doubt, but I compounded the damage to myself (and by extension my daughters since they need a stable parent) by trying too hard to save it.  I don’t regret that part exactly  that as he did stay in the home and was not openly seeing ow.  He was just mean. And it could have turned out differently as I think part of him wanted to stay in a way.

When he left I still was too stuck in the idea he would return and did not cut contact enough.  He came for Xmas and holidays. This isn’t in itself wrong if the lbs can cope emotionally but I could not and It kept my Adrenalin flowing, compounded the damage; kept me ruminating and not present to my life and family and friends  and lengthened the time I would need to recover.

I think now that if someone is saying and insisting they want to leave, the sooner that is accepted the better.  It just isn’t easy.

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #28 on: January 11, 2020, 12:38:47 AM »
I think you have put your finger on something important, Nerissa.

Some folks don't like the advice about detachment and reducing contact.
Maybe part of the reason it isn't a one size fits all is bc it depends on how damaging it is to the LBS at a given time. At a simple level, if we are doing things that hurt us, we have two choices really; to stop doing those things or to change our mindset so they no longer hurt us in the same way. Often I think we don't prioritise that bc we are driven by other beliefs perhaps that treat our distress as an acceptable price for something......

Interesting article here on the link between attachment theory and constructive therapy https://www.theguardian.com/science/2020/jan/10/psychotherapy-childhood-mental-health Which explains perhaps why a good IC can make a difference for LBS, why HS can help and perhaps why therapy doesn't work so well with MLCers in Replay but might work much later for some.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Nerissa

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #29 on: January 11, 2020, 05:31:18 AM »
That’s a fantastic article Treasur. Thanks.

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #30 on: January 11, 2020, 07:28:34 AM »
It is interesting isn't it?
And perhaps explains why validation with a small reframing 2x4 that focuses on reclaiming your own good stuff can be so helpful here on HS when we do it well.
Most of us have our own version of being that little girl on the staircase not knowing what to do.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #31 on: January 11, 2020, 02:54:13 PM »
You are so self aware Treasur!  Your situation was so compounded by all of the different traumas.  I’m not sure many of us could go through all of that without some form of PTSD. 

You have done what so many MLCers refuse to do, look within and slowly do what it takes to heal.  Step by step, inch by inch.  That is inspiring!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #32 on: January 11, 2020, 03:16:40 PM »
Thank you FJ  :)
My days, those inches have been a crawl at times and taken years  ::)

Had no other choice really. Hate PTSD and it ate my soul for a couple of years...but it does feel different to be on the last stretch now. And tbh it does let me feel some compassion for MLCers bc it is very hard to dig your way out of this kind of mental abyss....I had to hit my own rock bottom first and it was horrific to feel as I did. Can't imagine how much worse it would feel if I knew that I had initiated it or hurt people I loved.  And I am not the only LBS to have experienced PTSD for sure.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #33 on: January 14, 2020, 02:59:03 AM »
I was prompted by something I read yesterday to muse on my thinky walk this morning that part of this process is that we lose a lot of our old dreams don't we? I'm not sure that is very different whether your m survives or not tbh. Some of those dreams might be small ones like buying an anniversary card full of words about how great your spouse is or a special birthday celebration. Some are bigger ones about the shape of your family or the kind of home you would live in or places you would visit. We just can't not mourn for some of those dreams can we? And making new dreams bc our previous ones were removed so brutally and often without our involvement?

I'm not saying it is impossible....there are old timers posting here who show that it isn't...but my word, it feels hard to do for a while doesn't it? Maybe we can only have survival dreams for a while. Maybe we don't know what we want now that we can't have what we did want. Maybe it feels foolish to have new dreams at all if we couldn't make the old ones happen. Or we can only dream about not having horrible things but can't see the more positive dreams yet. Or can't quite trust ourselves to believe in them.

I don't know what my new dreams are but it seems like I could do with a couple. Seems like a wonderful life needs a few dreams in it lol.

If you have done so, what helped you to find new dreams? What are your dreams now?
« Last Edit: January 14, 2020, 03:02:54 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #34 on: January 14, 2020, 06:22:48 PM »
Treasur,

You may be a bit ahead of me on this one.

I have 2 dreams right now....one is the dream of my family...me and my brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews to be whole and healed and loved and known.

The other is for s15....dreams of college, of graduation, of watching him fulfill his personal ambitions and his own little dreams.

I am still looking back over a lifetime of old dreams and recognizing that the root of every single one was safety.....nothing more nothing less.

But maybe I am giving myself that dream right now...maybe in taking myself out in the world alone and nervous and showing myself over and over in every situation, with new people, and new experiences I am safe in me....I can trust me, and I will take care of me....

Maybe not to bad of a dream after all.
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #35 on: January 15, 2020, 02:15:36 AM »
Those sound like good dreams, CH  :)

Prompted by a couple of other thread posts....and some of the great GAL ideas on another....I want to pause for a moment and validate LBS normal. It isn't normal normal but there is a lot of stuff that seems to be LBS normal. Denying that or beating ourselves up about it or feeling ashamed that other LBS might be doing better? Normal. Got those t-shirts too  :)....but rarely found that has helped me much. There is a tightrope between self pity and self starting, true enough. And that's normal too. Not sure why but I get more traction when i see that and work from there.

And i am talking mostly to my peers who are 3/4/5 years out from BD.

I don't know why but certain things seem to be common. Not universal but common.
An invisible mental 'get over it' clock that says we should be feeling/doing/being at x point at x time. Perhaps it is a companion clock to the invisible MLC one we start with. Idk. But it seems pretty common and doesn't seem to be very helpful to most of us.
A non-specific feeling of anger, resentment or injustice that has no place to go or feels unheard.
A sense of deep grief that catches us by surprise a few years out when we know we have survived the worst of the battlefield and accepted the unimaginable.
A kind of despair that doing so many of the 'right things' to heal and cope and survive - bc we have all learned some good LBS skills - has not yet translated into something that feels more or better or even maybe enough.
A feeling of exhaustion about our own occasional rollercoaster of falling over and picking ourselves up yet again. Being on a journey that seems to be taking a damned long time. Or one where we are not even sure what the destination looks like.
Resenting all those (realistic) phrases we use to keep pushing forward....while needing to use them anyway.
Those moments of doubt and WTF happened and feeling like a loser and wanting closure and evidence of that incredibly slow MLC/ow karma bus.
Wanting what we know we can't have. Or shouldn't want bc it is not good for us....and wanting bits of it anyway. Valuing a lot of our old life while also wondering if it was worthless bc our spouse seemingly threw it away so easily. Or doubting what was real. Or what the point was if we ended up here.
Digging deep and finding our fight energy whilst sometimes not being quite sure what we are fighting for. Or if it is even worth it.

As well as those moments of peace, sniffing the roses, calm detachment and knowing in our bones that we did our best with a s$itty incomprehensible life event of gargantuan proportions.

I have zero magic answers for any of these things. Zip.
I just wanted to say out loud that when/if you feel them, you are not alone and not a special case and not a failure. Not a sample of one surrounded by other LBS gambolling into a GAL sunrise with a magically better life bc they are more (fill in the word) than you. A few might be - and all power to their elbow - but most of us are just exactly where you are. And after all, we can only move forward from the honest spot where we are today. Even if it feels a bit crappy sometimes.

So fwiw please consider yourself validated just as you are today. Me too  :)
« Last Edit: January 15, 2020, 02:55:30 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Milly

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #36 on: January 17, 2020, 02:41:28 AM »
Treasur, thank you very much for reminding us that we are not alone with these thoughts. I feel everything you just described. Everything.

Regarding the dreams, that is a hard one. I have kids and that helps. Same as Courage said, I can dream for their futures, although now that I know more, I tell myself I can't have my happiness rely on just them. I think my immediate dream is to be in a financial place whereby I can treat myself to things I enjoy. In my personal situation that would be the odd trip here and there, maybe to visit my kids, or to go watch a tennis championship such as Wimbledon, Roland Garros, basically incorporating my love of tennis with a chance to visit a nice place. These are my passions, but based on your interests, something like this could be seen as a little dream? So for me travel and hobby following would be dreams. I don't think they're impossible to achieve so that gives me hope.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #37 on: January 17, 2020, 04:51:08 AM »
Hi Treasur,

I linked this thread back to your old one and am caught up... Sorry to hear about your mum's tumble...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #38 on: January 17, 2020, 05:48:28 AM »
Treasur, I'm just about to start year 4 and I can say I agree with and have been through all of your points. I'm sure I'll revisit them all too at various times in the future.

Last fall was really rough on me and I just sort of felt frozen. I think part of it was the emotions that were a part of my grandfather's passing but the deep grief that it's over just hit me. The marriage, the MLC craziness...  I just tell myself people do exactly what they want and I leave it at that, but the point below is right on it's heels, always. It's made dropping the rope harder because I constantly see xw looking back over her shoulder at me and she insists she's a work in progress, despite not (visibly) showing any forward progress.

Quote
Those moments of doubt and WTF happened and feeling like a loser and wanting closure and evidence of that incredibly slow MLC/ow karma bus.

Anyway, I just wanted to chime in and say I think you've hit every nail on the head.

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #39 on: January 17, 2020, 05:58:34 AM »
"A work in Progress" can be a Michelangelo or a street tagger with a spray can and an attitude....

And progress is subjective... She may or may not be progressing in a direction you'd choose to be part of...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #40 on: January 17, 2020, 07:15:47 AM »
I just meant progress as compared to the MLC slide rule that came free in the box of wheaties.

That's also why I said people do what they want and I reserve the ultimate right to take my ball and go home if I want to.

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #41 on: January 17, 2020, 10:41:56 AM »
I just meant progress as compared to the MLC slide rule that came free in the box of wheaties.

That's also why I said people do what they want and I reserve the ultimate right to take my ball and go home if I want to.

 ;D gman....buy different cereal methinks!
Well, I am grateful that there is no progress to watch here other than my own. To be honest, that is frustrating enough sometimes lol.
But it is there. Life after madness does exist.it is just a hell of a fight to wade out from it.

It is comforting to know that my messy blips are familiar to others  :)...thank you.....even if I wish not a single person ever had to have this experience in their life ever again.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #42 on: January 17, 2020, 01:43:12 PM »
Wow--everything you wrote resonates with me. Thank you for validating T. A bunch of fixers who are not so good at fixing ourselves it seems. Some of us (YOU) figure it out much sooner than others (me). ;)

Sorry to hear about your Mum. Alzheimer's is a terrible disease.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #43 on: January 18, 2020, 04:09:51 AM »
Prompted by this thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10663.0;all talking about detachment which is such a tricksy issue for many of us.

My winter sunshine walk this morning....I had posted on the thread that Acceotance was the door to Detachment for me. And I was thinking about what I had to Acceot that took so long and felt so impossible. Lots of things of course. But the biggest one was that my life story and my then h's life story became two entirely separate things with no connecting bridge at all. My h chose that for his own life and maybe that is good for him, idk but it took me a really long time to accept that in my deepest gut in my story. This is not true about everyone's situation but it was the truth of mine from what I could see. Detachment started when I saw the two stories as completely separate things. Didn't want to lol. But that is what happened.

I haven't had to do that with my parents; the shared story has ended but there are bridges so I carry them with me in my current story. I did not have to detach in the same way even if I had to accept their absence. I know my parents would be part of my story now if they had a choice; that is not the same for my xh. And the reasons don't change the reality of that, only perhaps how I feel about it as part of my story.
« Last Edit: January 18, 2020, 04:14:34 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Milly

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #44 on: January 18, 2020, 04:22:53 AM »
Treasur, very interesting your detachment coming when you accepted that your H is on a different path from you now. I think this was part of my thinking this year, too. The idea that my H had really moved on from me, really didn't want to be with me and was not going to be returning hit me some time this year. That doesn't mean that it's really so. I don't know what my H is thinking since I have very little contact with him, and he doesn't share any of his feelings. However, this light bulb moment that I didn't want, followed by me forcing myself to accept it as truth, has helped me detach. It hurt at first, not like BD, but like a huge disappointment. Then the work was done in my subconscious I think, because gradually I started to accept this possibility: my H really does not love me anymore and has moved on.

In a way, this is what people have to accept in a normal break up where the spouse doesn't string you along, or their personality doesn't change at the same time as they start telling us that our marriage was no good, etc. In a normal break up, there is no room for denial. This isn't a normal break up, so spouses can come back. This is another reason that MLC is so devastating for the LBS.

I just wanted to chime in and agree with you that acceptance of the fact that our spouses are probably on permanent separate paths is good for us. After that initial pain of dealing with the idea, the whole entire pain gets better. The fallout from their crisis, though, still remains a problem for us to clean up. I mean the financial hardship, the loss of house for many, and the broken home to those of us with kids.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #45 on: January 18, 2020, 09:44:04 AM »
It is such a complicated thing to unravel decades of attachment, a life lived together with a somewhat crash landing.  I can see why it takes so long.  You have done an amazing job of inching forward after essentially being blown up.  Those inches over time have turned into miles♥️
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #46 on: January 18, 2020, 10:33:14 AM »
It is complicated and difficult FJ, I think that's true for many of us. And it is a reminder maybe that attachment for humans is supposed to be that way, that we are normal while perhaps are departing spouses are not so normal in their ability to apparently do it more easily.

Inches as you say.
And that terrible sorrow of disappointment as Milly describes bc it is a kind of giving up too.
It is a deep kind of acceptance I think and sometimes one that creeps up with a whisper rather than a shout.

It is hard to accept that, based on my xh's behaviour, it is reasonable to assume that he saw/sees our attachment and me as a person as worthless to him. Particularly when he used to behave in the opposite way entirely. But it is sensible to assume it based on the facts, no matter how I choose to explain why that is the case. So, letting go of the attachment is a double-edged sword really....letting go of my attachment but also letting go of my beliefs about his attachment if that makes sense...no wonder it takes a bit of time to unpick lol. Must be even harder if you have children bc then it is about family attachment too isn't it, what you understand as the new shape of family?

And it was a fight so I had to understand why I was doing it, why it was the wise healthy thing for me. Doesn't mean it is the same for everyone of course, but I think you know instinctively if the cost of not detaching a little more is too high at a given moment. I honestly don't know if it made any difference to how my h felt in the first year or two, if it even in a twisted way fed his sense of rejection, or if it reduced the chance of any reconnection before he burned his last bridges. Maybe. But I reached a point when my sanity and wellbeing mattered more than any of those things I suppose.

But my situation - from an attachment POV - was an extreme one. I lost the three most important attachments of my life simultaneously within six months and I was drowning in unbearable pain. And one of them was throwing metaphorical rocks at me while I was on my knees with grief lol. I had to distance and detach bc it was the only way I could see to survive. I was kind of bleeding out in the ER of life really. Perhaps it was a bit like cutting off a gangrenous hand to save my life. That isn't true for everyone or in every situation. And bc detachment is a mindset even more than a set of actions, I think it means different things for different people.

I may be detached now in a way I was not before but I still miss my people and my life is not better without them. But I am not drowning in pain either. I honestly believe that love and attachment are not quite the same things; attachment is harder to unpick imho but a kind of love seems to outlast it in a funny way. Which I happen to find quite comforting.
« Last Edit: January 18, 2020, 11:24:55 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #47 on: January 20, 2020, 02:13:19 AM »
Had a funny dream at the weekend (don't remember a lot of it but think it was something to do with my mum). Anyway part of the dream was that I was being driven somewhere and I could only see the hands of the driver. I was trying to work out if they were white driving gloves eg normal or white robot hands e.g. not normal and scary.....for some reason in my dream, this was a very important decision.

Now I should say too that I had a bit of an accident at the weekend and inadvertently tripped and sliced a bit of my forehead open....so i quite possibly had mild confusion lol. (Am fine now, wound healing, may have a scar but decided it can just join some of my melanoma ones  ::)...one LBS gift is not sweating the small stuff right? Or I might create an interesting story about boxing injuries as it is over my eyebrow  :) )

What I took from the dream though is that part of what we do naturally as LBS here is form hypotheses for inexplicable things and test them out to see what we should do about them. Like a virtual dinner table of 18th century scientists.  :) And often, as in my dream, we only have a bit of information, a partial view from the corner of our eye perhaps. The really great thing about time is that the sharp shock and pain fades bc we Acceot a new normal eg yes, there really are zombies on my lawn. The tricky thing with adapting and that fade effect is that we can start to forget what normal was like before eg when zombies were only in movies and my lawn had nothing more scary than a few weeds. Ah, the joys of habituation lol.

There is something important in healing about owning your own story and trusting your own judgement about what is normal and what is bizarre I think. And being able to do that as honestly as you can while accepting that many other people - perhaps most - won't see it the way you see it. In some ways though, I wonder if that gets harder with distance and detachment bc you no longer have WTF crazy stuff happening right on your lawn. In the early days for many of us, HS is a sanity saver bc we come here and read that total strangers on the other side of the world are hearing and seeing things that are almost identical. And it is such a relief to feel that we are not imagining how bizarre it is and that we are probably not insane and that we are not the only one to have an experience like this.

And then I think, while the zombies growl on the lawn, we test and retest our hypotheses. And learn from watching others do the same. And eventually, individually, we reach a conclusion of our own. Maybe feeling a bit like Galileo surrounded by naysayers. Maybe at risk of the kind of group think that persuades us that the world is flat. But we reach a conclusion that feels workable enough to live with until or unless other information proves us wrong I suppose.

It's a strange process and probably only one that people have to do when something big and unusual happens in their life, something they can't explain without challenging their previous beliefs or acquiring new information that they didn't need before. It is quite normal I think for abnormal situations....a cancer diagnosis turns you into a Google cancer expert, dry rot in your roof joists turns you into a wood expert, an alcohol problem turns you into an AlAnon attendee, a reoccurring glitch in your car turns you into a mechanic....if you can't just take the problem to be fixed by a trusted expert or if the first fixes fail, it is normal to try to learn more.

But sooner or later, maybe after some trial and error, you have to reach your own assessment of the problem in order to decide what will be a good way to solve the problem. Or indeed accept that you can't solve it i suppose. Or that others think your solution is ridiculous or wrong lol.

Why am I wittering about this today?
Bc I think it is possible that some of the spats we see here now and then are a normal part of the process of testing different hypotheses or reaching different conclusions. That we perhaps start with a sense of a similar problem but with our own testing and retesting might end up with different decisions about the 'real' problem that we have and therefore our own solution. Metaphorically speaking, some of us might keep trying to fix the car, others might get a new one and others might limp along with an occasionally unreliable car. All of which seems perfectly ok to me.

The most humbling thing about this experience was accepting that, whilst it felt very bizarre to me, there was so much that I simply didn't and couldn't know. And that other people might see it as not bizarre at all. Or even as a problem from their POV. Yet surviving it meant accepting it which meant figuring out what I was seeing in reality that I had to accept. Separating the what from the why when I could only hypothesise about the why in my particular experience. Not easy at all as a process. And bc a lot of it involved other people's perspectives, there were large chunks of missing information. It is entirely possible that my bizarre is someone else's normal. That my WTF story is my xh's normal 'bad marriage to true love' story. That many of the things I have needed to test and retest are unimportant or ancient history for my xh and his now owife. That trauma pressed a pause button and left me stuck cycling round some things that only mattered to me and no one else bc everyone else moved on with their own story. Acceotance requires accepting that too I think although it's a bit uncomfortable to Acceot that I got lost in my own life for at least a couple of years. Actually an after effect of PTSD is that I have some quite big memory gaps in the last three years. Don't much like that but need to accept that too, and that while I was lost, other people's lives including my xh's went on regardless.

But, for my sanity and wellbeing, all I can do is figure out my story as honestly as I can, reach my own independent hypotheses and accept the consequences of my own solutions while also accepting that others might see it differently. Oh, and that time or new information might prove me wrong of course  :)

Part of the deep bit of Acceotance it seems to me is accepting how we write our own story.

I suppose mine fwiw is that something broke in my much loved h that fundamentally changed the course of both our lives and he became someone who saw me as irrelevant and I became someone who saw him as a threat to my safety. There was a v1 and a v2 and I couldn't line them up no matter how hard I tried, although I have managed to line up my own v1 and v2 bc they are not so different; I am v1.again with some rubble and new experiences. I am grateful for that. . I accepted the reality of v1 of my h to make sense of my past and the 'death' of v1 and the reality of v2 of my xh to make sense of my present and future. My life used to be a pretty kind one with many blessings that I took for granted and then it turned into something more like a Dateline episode lol. That is part of my story too.

Sounds a bit bizarre I know, not sure what caused it all really, have my own hypotheses, but that is pretty much what I experienced....so that is my story.

Perhaps the kindest and most respectful thing we can do here on HS is to honour other people's stories as they evolve. And accept that your story does not need to be the same as mine for mine to still hold water for me.

Off to see if I can fix my boiler now....a much easier problem  ;)
« Last Edit: January 20, 2020, 03:02:07 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #48 on: January 20, 2020, 10:32:26 AM »
Think I have worked out how to fix the boiler.

I have been banging on recently about Acceotance and Detachment. And I meant every word.
Years ago when we were first together and I wasn't sure about the relationship bc of the age difference, my h bought me a mug that said something to the effect that sometimes the heart has to tell the mind to shut up. Well, surviving this requires the opposite imho and my mind is wise and in charge now.

But I read this today https://www.theguardian.com/film/shortcuts/2020/jan/20/why-is-the-world-so-obsessed-with-the-new-pictures-of-brad-and-jen and wanted to tell you a secret. Pssst. My heart would love to believe that there would be a day when my h would look like himself and just reach out and grin like he used to and hold my hand with all those unspoken things silently spoken. A bit of me would just like to have that before I die. I don't expect it bc my mind is too sensible now but a tiny bit of my heart still likes a happy unlikely ending just like others looking at those Brad and Jen pics lol. Silly, but there it is.  ::)....but it's a guilty secret lol.

Of course it could also be the after effects of concussion  :)
« Last Edit: January 20, 2020, 10:56:09 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #49 on: January 20, 2020, 11:50:00 AM »
Think I have worked out how to fix the boiler.

I have been banging on recently about Acceotance and Detachment. And I meant every word.
Years ago when we were first together and I wasn't sure about the relationship bc of the age difference, my h bought me a mug that said something to the effect that sometimes the heart has to tell the mind to shut up. Well, surviving this requires the opposite imho and my mind is wise and in charge now.

But I read this today https://www.theguardian.com/film/shortcuts/2020/jan/20/why-is-the-world-so-obsessed-with-the-new-pictures-of-brad-and-jen and wanted to tell you a secret. Pssst. My heart would love to believe that there would be a day when my h would look like himself and just reach out and grin like he used to and hold my hand with all those unspoken things silently spoken. A bit of me would just like to have that before I die. I don't expect it bc my mind is too sensible now but a tiny bit of my heart still likes a happy unlikely ending just like others looking at those Brad and Jen pics lol. Silly, but there it is.  ::)....but it's a guilty secret lol.

Of course it could also be the after effects of concussion  :)

Treasur,

I completely understand.  My IC asked me on Saturday why I continue to be kind to STBXW, in this case inviting her to a theme park with me and D9, when she has continued to behave horribly toward me.  My response was "Because I believe her current behavior had a beginning, a middle and it will have a finite end.  I want her to remember me fondly when that happens."  That was my heart speaking.  My mind speaks different, and it had its say today, two days later.  My boss said "Did your wife have your daughter this weekend?"  (Most upper management knows my situation.)  "My exwife," my mind blurted out, and the words went out into the world before I could stop them.  I'm still wearing my wedding ring, but I believe the end of my marriage is now just a legal formality.  I don't think reconciliation now, or ever, is in the cards.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Online Milly

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #50 on: January 20, 2020, 02:02:00 PM »
I looked up the article about Jennifer and Brad, and I got all warm inside knowing that those exchanges, glances, the hand, do mean stuff. I know because I'm now an expert at this stuff! (insert a little jokey emoji!)

But, it made me think that just a few years ago (before BD and MLC), I would have thought 'pathetic' at stories of vips who split up then get back together again. I have to admit that I judged, presumed I was above it, that they were flimsy, immature. Now I don't judge that way any more. I don't know the complicated stuff that goes on in private. I know feelings now. I know that I'm not safe, superior, above being abandoned by the man with values I married.

Because of my experience, I love reconnection stories now. I don't care if they're RL or Hollywood stories. I guess I'm back to the little girl inside of me who still believes in happy ever afters. Funnily enough, BD was a wake up call to reality and the grown up world, but it was also a returning to the little me who got lost these several decades ago. So, I do get all warm inside when I see the hope in love between two people, especially two people who split up but are still connected.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #51 on: January 24, 2020, 01:40:38 PM »
BD was a wake up call to reality and the grown up world, but it was also a returning to the little me who got lost these several decades ago. So, I do get all warm inside when I see the hope in love between two people, especially two people who split up but are still connected.

Me too.  I think we all (here on HS at least) know exactly what happened with Brad. And while the world seemed to have embraced the "Brangelina" couple-age, no one really seems to have any empathy at all for Angelina now. And I am sure she was/is devastated.

T--I get your guilty secret. I am fairly certain it is shared by many, if not all, here on HS.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

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