Author Topic: My Story It's A Wonderful Life  (Read 1716 times)

Online marvin4242

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My Story Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #10 on: December 31, 2019, 04:54:39 AM »
Wow what a journey and how much you have survived and grown over such a period of time. And although this is not your intent I have to say what a great beacon of hope for others it is to see what is possible even when confronted with so much destruction.

I have no words of wisdom to offer (and none is needed). Only thing I want to say is that sometimes we are too hard on ourselves. We think we “should” have known better, “should” have been stronger, “should” heal faster. In my world those of us who are healthy have a stable psyche. Part of the stability is a certain amount of inertia, that we do not rapidly swing from state to state and mood to mood. We simply can not turn on a dime and let go of our feelings, our beliefs, our values. If we could then maybe we COULD just move on, but doesn’t that then mean we don’t hold things with the value and weight they deserve? Isn’t it interesting that one major characteristic of the MLC fracture is the ability to quickly and completely discard people, emotions, values, and relationships?

We all know how well that works out and how healthy they are. So we need to be kind and understanding of ourselves, that as we heal and grow there are period of what appear to be lack of motion, but it is really laying down new foundations, strengths, emotional “muscle” and when we have new strong and stable pathways we integrate them and grow.

Kind of plant like, they don’t seem like they are growing, then suddenly they shoot up.

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #11 on: December 31, 2019, 06:16:51 AM »
Thank you, Marvin.
Yes it was a hard few years. I have never written it out like that before but felt the need to do so, a kind of purging perhaps.

You're so right.
It took me a long long time to let go of my 'shoulds'. To feel compassion for that brave little loving woman who was trying to hold on to her treasures in what felt like a relentless tsunami. My biggest 'should' was about time, I think, that I should not have been so stuck in the abyss or should have got up off my metaphorical knees quicker. It was a big turning point for me courtesy of my PTSD therapist actually to see that what happened was a big deal, too much loss to shrug off easily for me anyway and that I was unrealistic in my assessment of healing time.

I have very few regrets regarding my h though. I did my best and hunted for ways to still treat him with respect as a human being regardless. It is nice not to have regrets in relation to him.
And how right you are about healthy people not swinging on an emotional dime to discard things we valued for years.

I'm a gardener so I like your plant example. Looking back now, I see plenty of times when I felt stuck but actually wasn't. When I was actually recharging before the next bit or finishing off some things before being able to move forward to the next. One of the loveliest sights imho is a green shoot from a bulb breaking the surface. As you say, there was growing going on underneath all the time way before you see the first hint of green.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #12 on: December 31, 2019, 06:31:27 AM »
What a lovely post, Marvin.

I couldn't have said it any better, Treasur.  You did go through a lot, more than I realized until you wrote it all out.  Whew!
You really are one strong woman.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Seahorse

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #13 on: December 31, 2019, 07:32:54 AM »
Treasur -
Thank you for putting your LBS timeline down to share with us.
You truly have been through more than I imagined; the beginnings I didn't even know about.

I haven't been on HS for more than a couple of years, but Of course, remembering watch gate made me chuckle, and sadness came with the remembrance of Louis the Cat passing.
But...
overall, you've healed and are thriving.
You took your steps one-at-a-time, to get where you are today.

I wouldn't worry about your list of "shoulds" because you needed to be where you were at that given time.  It's okay to have the abyss stare back at you for as long as needed...  You may have never gotten to where you are if you pushed those shoulds faster and farther...

I also would try not to regret not having the ability to say "no" earlier, and knowing what's good and bad for you.  We survive in such a tangled mess of anger, abuse, hostility (call it whatever you want), that we can't recognize how truly bad (toxic) it is to us until we grow, learn and then see life without it.  That all takes time...

Looking forward to hearing about 2020 for you -- your grace and your Grace report, your remaining time with your mother (no guilt), your plantings, new career, books.  It's all so exciting, and you have your HS friends to be with and share your new exciting year!

Hugs, and so proud of your growth,

Sea
« Last Edit: December 31, 2019, 07:36:03 AM by Seahorse »
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #14 on: January 04, 2020, 08:20:25 AM »
This morning I woke up to mild winter sunshine and a need to feel happy as I posted on another thread. So off to the allotment I went for a few hours of digging and clearing. Which was a very good choice of GAL  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Seahorse

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #15 on: January 04, 2020, 12:46:58 PM »
Nice Treasur -
Let us know now the "clean=up" went.

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #16 on: January 04, 2020, 04:15:40 PM »
It’s amazing what you have walked through and you are still forging on.  Life sure is tough, but God is good!  One day at a time!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #17 on: January 07, 2020, 07:27:06 AM »
Thought I would bring my work on progress triggered by this other thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11324.msg754579#msg754579 over to my own.

Quick overview of the issue....was a fractured m a catalyst of crisis or solely fallout? And some thoughts from LP about not causing a fire but owning responsibility for having ones own gasoline can that made the damage worse or exposed me to risk.

My conclusion was that the metaphorical fire (crisis) was an inherent fracture in my h but that bc I married someone fractured, logically our m had a hairline fracture in it too. Even if we both didn't realise how big it was. And that me and other people, over time, adapted around his fractured bits in ways that weren't very safe for me or very respectful of him. And that bc actually (bizarrely perhaps) I think my h did value me and our m very much, so as he felt a weakening of that attachment, it could have been an additional trigger bc it was a big bit of his sense of self and security. So it became a snowball of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So what can I usefully learn given where I am now? Particularly bc I am not looking to reconnect with my xh, expecting to have any bit of his perspective or indeed looking for a new relationship.
What is the equivalent of my gasoline can now?

I have post-trauma thinking still. My emotional reaction to Acorn's question and how long the question stuck in my head and how difficult it was to answer showed me that. I don't like that and I thought I was past it, but I'm not entirely. I have a post-trauma lens on myself and the world. So, more work to do bc that is a kind of gasoline can for me. And to value respect (and self-respect) over love perhaps.

I chose to marry a much younger man and one I knew had FOO and a previous traumatic event in his life. Why? I was niave about the risk and arrogant about how much I mattered to him. I liked how he loved me, I really liked him and I liked our unusual love story. In a sense, both of us probably believed in our own romantic PR lol.  And I believed our relationship was part of the healthy solution instead of seeing that actually it exposed me to the risk of someone else's big FOO. I wasn't a conflict avoider much or much of a fixer, but I was a mind reading excuse maker. I valued love over recriprocal respect, and I placed more weight on my h's frailties than on my own preferences sometimes.

My gasoline can was three things really.
I was not realistic about the risk of his FOO but instead adjusted my expectations around it. ( a bit perhaps of unconsciously modelling my father's behaviour towards my mother bc I identified too much with my father and some rose-coloured glasses about him perhaps)
I did not have a financial or emotional insurance contingency plan bc I saw it as a you+me=us instead of a you+me+us. (I think my h saw it the same way incidentally)
I did not challenge some of his FOO-driven behaviour or mindsets in a way that was detached enough to clearly position it as a) a legitimate discomfort for me and b) his responsibility to figure out without my involvement.

Can't go back and redo that. Not currently looking to try my new mindset out in another intimate relationship either.
So do I still have the same gasoline can in my life toolbox?
Well life experience has kicked some of it out of me naturally.
I understand way more about FOO and dysfunction and trauma and truth than I did before, my own and others. Can't unknow that or unsee it. Or the disadvantages of being a daddy's girl or having a pretty secure childhood lol.
I no longer see myself as having unlimited bandwidth strength as I used to do and I care much more about my safety and sanity and comfort levels than I used to do too. Not sure if that is always a good thing and it may be a bit of a post-trauma creation, but it is where I am.
There is no you and there is no us, just me. And a generalised sense of Nice Others. So my contingency plan - which is frankly poor right now - is the only plan there is.

So, pulling all that together?
My non-gasoline can strategy is to finally GAL plan for just Me with some better risk management bits in it. And to tackle some of my post-trauma thinking about myself and the world which I did not realise I had. (Grrrr) And to value respect over love, and truth over excuses. For me and others.
« Last Edit: January 07, 2020, 07:29:39 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #18 on: January 07, 2020, 12:18:14 PM »
Funny how the uncomfortable threads sometimes push you forwards.
I have been in a blippy funk for a few days here...antsy, not eating, not sleeping. Just not right at all.

Belatedly realising that there is PTSD thinking, then a kind of post-PTSD thinking en route hopefully to a kind of post-post PTSD thinking  ;)

I feel less than I was bc of my reaction to events more than bc of the events themselves.
And I don't like it at all.
I liked who I used to be before this chapter of my life tbh.
Just need to figure out how to shake off the unwanted temporary bits now.

I need a new gasoline can bc I am fed up of the survival one  ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline forthetrees

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #19 on: January 07, 2020, 05:19:17 PM »
It is such a long, long journey. The upside is that even when not whole there is progress to be seen and that brings momentum to keep pluggin´away at it. You have not thrown in the towel on continuing to heal. Yes there will always be some scarred bits (or chunks) but as long as the scars bring wisdom along with the memory of pain, you are a thriver.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

 

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