Author Topic: My Story It's A Wonderful Life  (Read 1718 times)

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #30 on: January 11, 2020, 07:28:34 AM »
It is interesting isn't it?
And perhaps explains why validation with a small reframing 2x4 that focuses on reclaiming your own good stuff can be so helpful here on HS when we do it well.
Most of us have our own version of being that little girl on the staircase not knowing what to do.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #31 on: January 11, 2020, 02:54:13 PM »
You are so self aware Treasur!  Your situation was so compounded by all of the different traumas.  I’m not sure many of us could go through all of that without some form of PTSD. 

You have done what so many MLCers refuse to do, look within and slowly do what it takes to heal.  Step by step, inch by inch.  That is inspiring!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #32 on: January 11, 2020, 03:16:40 PM »
Thank you FJ  :)
My days, those inches have been a crawl at times and taken years  ::)

Had no other choice really. Hate PTSD and it ate my soul for a couple of years...but it does feel different to be on the last stretch now. And tbh it does let me feel some compassion for MLCers bc it is very hard to dig your way out of this kind of mental abyss....I had to hit my own rock bottom first and it was horrific to feel as I did. Can't imagine how much worse it would feel if I knew that I had initiated it or hurt people I loved.  And I am not the only LBS to have experienced PTSD for sure.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #33 on: January 14, 2020, 02:59:03 AM »
I was prompted by something I read yesterday to muse on my thinky walk this morning that part of this process is that we lose a lot of our old dreams don't we? I'm not sure that is very different whether your m survives or not tbh. Some of those dreams might be small ones like buying an anniversary card full of words about how great your spouse is or a special birthday celebration. Some are bigger ones about the shape of your family or the kind of home you would live in or places you would visit. We just can't not mourn for some of those dreams can we? And making new dreams bc our previous ones were removed so brutally and often without our involvement?

I'm not saying it is impossible....there are old timers posting here who show that it isn't...but my word, it feels hard to do for a while doesn't it? Maybe we can only have survival dreams for a while. Maybe we don't know what we want now that we can't have what we did want. Maybe it feels foolish to have new dreams at all if we couldn't make the old ones happen. Or we can only dream about not having horrible things but can't see the more positive dreams yet. Or can't quite trust ourselves to believe in them.

I don't know what my new dreams are but it seems like I could do with a couple. Seems like a wonderful life needs a few dreams in it lol.

If you have done so, what helped you to find new dreams? What are your dreams now?
« Last Edit: January 14, 2020, 03:02:54 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #34 on: January 14, 2020, 06:22:48 PM »
Treasur,

You may be a bit ahead of me on this one.

I have 2 dreams right now....one is the dream of my family...me and my brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews to be whole and healed and loved and known.

The other is for s15....dreams of college, of graduation, of watching him fulfill his personal ambitions and his own little dreams.

I am still looking back over a lifetime of old dreams and recognizing that the root of every single one was safety.....nothing more nothing less.

But maybe I am giving myself that dream right now...maybe in taking myself out in the world alone and nervous and showing myself over and over in every situation, with new people, and new experiences I am safe in me....I can trust me, and I will take care of me....

Maybe not to bad of a dream after all.
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #35 on: January 15, 2020, 02:15:36 AM »
Those sound like good dreams, CH  :)

Prompted by a couple of other thread posts....and some of the great GAL ideas on another....I want to pause for a moment and validate LBS normal. It isn't normal normal but there is a lot of stuff that seems to be LBS normal. Denying that or beating ourselves up about it or feeling ashamed that other LBS might be doing better? Normal. Got those t-shirts too  :)....but rarely found that has helped me much. There is a tightrope between self pity and self starting, true enough. And that's normal too. Not sure why but I get more traction when i see that and work from there.

And i am talking mostly to my peers who are 3/4/5 years out from BD.

I don't know why but certain things seem to be common. Not universal but common.
An invisible mental 'get over it' clock that says we should be feeling/doing/being at x point at x time. Perhaps it is a companion clock to the invisible MLC one we start with. Idk. But it seems pretty common and doesn't seem to be very helpful to most of us.
A non-specific feeling of anger, resentment or injustice that has no place to go or feels unheard.
A sense of deep grief that catches us by surprise a few years out when we know we have survived the worst of the battlefield and accepted the unimaginable.
A kind of despair that doing so many of the 'right things' to heal and cope and survive - bc we have all learned some good LBS skills - has not yet translated into something that feels more or better or even maybe enough.
A feeling of exhaustion about our own occasional rollercoaster of falling over and picking ourselves up yet again. Being on a journey that seems to be taking a damned long time. Or one where we are not even sure what the destination looks like.
Resenting all those (realistic) phrases we use to keep pushing forward....while needing to use them anyway.
Those moments of doubt and WTF happened and feeling like a loser and wanting closure and evidence of that incredibly slow MLC/ow karma bus.
Wanting what we know we can't have. Or shouldn't want bc it is not good for us....and wanting bits of it anyway. Valuing a lot of our old life while also wondering if it was worthless bc our spouse seemingly threw it away so easily. Or doubting what was real. Or what the point was if we ended up here.
Digging deep and finding our fight energy whilst sometimes not being quite sure what we are fighting for. Or if it is even worth it.

As well as those moments of peace, sniffing the roses, calm detachment and knowing in our bones that we did our best with a s$itty incomprehensible life event of gargantuan proportions.

I have zero magic answers for any of these things. Zip.
I just wanted to say out loud that when/if you feel them, you are not alone and not a special case and not a failure. Not a sample of one surrounded by other LBS gambolling into a GAL sunrise with a magically better life bc they are more (fill in the word) than you. A few might be - and all power to their elbow - but most of us are just exactly where you are. And after all, we can only move forward from the honest spot where we are today. Even if it feels a bit crappy sometimes.

So fwiw please consider yourself validated just as you are today. Me too  :)
« Last Edit: January 15, 2020, 02:55:30 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Milly

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #36 on: January 17, 2020, 02:41:28 AM »
Treasur, thank you very much for reminding us that we are not alone with these thoughts. I feel everything you just described. Everything.

Regarding the dreams, that is a hard one. I have kids and that helps. Same as Courage said, I can dream for their futures, although now that I know more, I tell myself I can't have my happiness rely on just them. I think my immediate dream is to be in a financial place whereby I can treat myself to things I enjoy. In my personal situation that would be the odd trip here and there, maybe to visit my kids, or to go watch a tennis championship such as Wimbledon, Roland Garros, basically incorporating my love of tennis with a chance to visit a nice place. These are my passions, but based on your interests, something like this could be seen as a little dream? So for me travel and hobby following would be dreams. I don't think they're impossible to achieve so that gives me hope.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #37 on: January 17, 2020, 04:51:08 AM »
Hi Treasur,

I linked this thread back to your old one and am caught up... Sorry to hear about your mum's tumble...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Online gman242

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #38 on: January 17, 2020, 05:48:28 AM »
Treasur, I'm just about to start year 4 and I can say I agree with and have been through all of your points. I'm sure I'll revisit them all too at various times in the future.

Last fall was really rough on me and I just sort of felt frozen. I think part of it was the emotions that were a part of my grandfather's passing but the deep grief that it's over just hit me. The marriage, the MLC craziness...  I just tell myself people do exactly what they want and I leave it at that, but the point below is right on it's heels, always. It's made dropping the rope harder because I constantly see xw looking back over her shoulder at me and she insists she's a work in progress, despite not (visibly) showing any forward progress.

Quote
Those moments of doubt and WTF happened and feeling like a loser and wanting closure and evidence of that incredibly slow MLC/ow karma bus.

Anyway, I just wanted to chime in and say I think you've hit every nail on the head.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #39 on: January 17, 2020, 05:58:34 AM »
"A work in Progress" can be a Michelangelo or a street tagger with a spray can and an attitude....

And progress is subjective... She may or may not be progressing in a direction you'd choose to be part of...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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