Author Topic: My Story It's A Wonderful Life  (Read 3090 times)

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #70 on: February 13, 2020, 07:20:25 AM »
Ah, the old longing for the karma bus of universal justice right? Yup, we've all been there.

I suspect most of us create an imaginary one for a while to make ourselves feel a bit better perhaps.  ;) Or why we rationalise that they can't be happy really or hunt for evidence of a f'ed up life mess lol. Sometimes of course time and events show us that this is true. Plenty of examples here of spouses whose 'new better happy' looks pretty dreadful objectively compared to what they had. But tbh the tough truth at least for a while is that they are happy enough to keep following that path aren't they? I have no reason to assume that my xh is not as happy and comfortable as a pig in the proverbial  :)....only that I am not and it wasn't my choice and it sucks. Until we get to a place in our own lives when it doesn't I guess.

No, most women are not programmed like that, gman.
Just like most men are not programmed to do the 'well done, traded the old wife in for a hot new slapper, go you'...but some still probably do lol.
But superficial relationships are like that probably.
And most of us find it uncomfortable to do the 'Emperors New Clothes' bit of saying well, a new human is always a good thing but abandoning your existing family to have a baby with an affair partner? Not so much.  :) Takes a bit of courage to call a duck a duck and most of us avoid it don't we? Even on HS where a lot of us are anonymously quite honest, honest 2x4s are tricky to give and receive.

As you say
Quote
it hurts to watch them get accolades for creating a new life out of the ashes of the previous one they burned down and pissed all over to put the fire out.
Quite so. And ran away to avoid the clean up too lol.
Bc no matter how 'happy, yay you' my ex/spouse is, the truth is that they still burned my house down with me in it to get that new happy. And I still got a burned to the ground house, serious burns and no help with clearing up or repairs  :) I would understandably want to punch someone in the face who turned up, looked at my soot-stained exhausted body and said 'but hey, your h has got this great new condo on the beach from the insurance money he stole from you, isn't that great' :)...and then tells you off for being a whinging bad sport if you feel a bit upset about that.....

It is hard to not get much validation or encouragement in RL as an LBS. Even sometimes to feel judged maybe for how we feel or how difficult our circumstances really are or why we are hurting 'still'. I guess that is why we come to HS for so long after BD?

My only sense of what helps (ish) is to keep the Accountability where it truthfully sits, to not let our old love for that person con us into denial about what they chose to do that damaged us and just how selfish and unkind they were to do it. In a way, if we don't accept the reality of that, then perhaps it is unfair to expect that other people should?

Perhaps there is a step before that when we realise that who they are now and their version of happy would simply never be what we would want for our own lives, no matter how shiny it seems to others?

But I expect that a lot of us will have a secret yearning for the karma bus for quite a while  :)
If only to reassure ourselves that trying to be a decent kind of human does bear fruit eventually.
« Last Edit: February 13, 2020, 07:40:19 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #71 on: February 13, 2020, 08:43:44 AM »
Wow Treasur, so much of what you said in your 2 posts rings so true to me...

Quote
With hindsight....and I do still think my xh had some kind of crisis/breakdown....I wish I had found the wisdom to shut the door on my h much earlier. I almost filed in Sept 16 and it would have been wiser if i had. Not bc of getting divorced per se, but to break the links between us earlier would have been hard but healthier for me. Imho most people here with relatively extreme MLCers will end up divorced; it would have been better for my mental health to swallow that pill earlier. I have compassion for that poor woman then, I was so alone and so bewildered, and so I understand why I couldn't but it would have been better for me if I had. My honest belief is that there is a point when the crisis spouse has taken too many left turns and become too different from the person you knew. Again, with hindsight, I think my h and me might have had enough connection left in the first year or so to have something left between us. But after that, no. He just wasn't the same person and neither was i. By then he really had destroyed everything that connected us other than what was left in my head lol. I think the bit of MLC tenet that I have never believed is that MLC spouses can return to being close to who they were. Not if the scale of damage is so big and if they completely disappear into an unseen new life for years. This kind of experience changes everyone involved I think in big ways. Jmo
I think the key that unlocked my life was H moving abroad.. I was devastated when he did but that forced me to watch the left turns from afar and maybe that made me close the door relatively early.. I feel exactly as you described, he's not the same person and neither am I. He has destroyed everything that connected us and lost me in the process.. The difference between you and me perhaps is that I'm struggling to remember the love or anything positive about our relationship.. Maybe it's too soon for that, idk.. I don't miss him or my old marriage because truth to be told, things were not perfect. My H was a great guy but quite damaged by his FOO.. Something that I'm only able to see now in hindsight. His damage had a knock-on effect on me and the new me realizes that I was not really happy. I'm loyal and I would have never walked away from my marriage but I do wonder what my level of happiness would have been if my H never had MLC..

I also think that once we are able to accept that the MLCer new life is what he/she chose and we can simply shrug our shoulders, it represents forgiveness of sorts. Doesn't mean we would receive them back with open arms if they decide to look our way but we forgive the fact that they chose something else and our lives do no longer include them.. We might not particularly like it but it's the new reality that we need to build our own life with. Next month it'll be 2 years since H walked.. It feels like it was an eternity ago though.. My life has changed in many ways and I'm quite happy with what I have achieved.. A lot more work for me to do still (are we ever finished?!) but I can truly say that closing the door on my H was the best thing I ever did.. It was hard to do and I think I resisted it for a long time because it wasn't what I wanted but my life has improved enormously since the pain was replaced by acceptance  :)
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline gman242

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #72 on: February 13, 2020, 09:33:21 AM »
I too have been enjoying Treasur's introspective posts.. I just don't have the clarity of thought she does, even in hindsight. To me, it's more of a battle. You did what you had to do, it's over, clean up, deal with your wounds and move on. I just don't feel like I have a lot of commentary on the topic to offer the forum, but I'm glad treasur and others do. It's a service to others who read the forum.

And I agree too.. I was telling disillusioned, I wish I had stood up for myself sooner than I did. I scrambled to do it when she was pushing the divorce through and I think it did me some good, but I think in focusing on the MLC stuff, I gave too much of myself away, I was too much of a doormat. You can stand if you want to, but keep yourself respect at the same time. My ex told me we can just get remarried later and that goes for me / us too.

My ex is also damaged by her foo issues and I felt sorry for her. It was my fault for thinking she'd change or I could comfort her somehow and I thought I found someone perfect and I was just too young and naive to realize it wasn't going to end any other way than how it did. Oh well  :-\ At least I'm free to make what I want of the future and I hope I can find someone that will want to be in my life. :)

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #73 on: February 13, 2020, 09:48:38 AM »
I'm loyal and I would have never walked away from my marriage but I do wonder what my level of happiness would have been if my H never had MLC.


This ^^^^^  I think about this all the time. I struggle with it b/c seeing MLC as a gift seems odd given the amount of pain and suffering we have endured. But really, I think it is a gift, especially if the MLCer runs away.

« Last Edit: February 13, 2020, 09:49:43 AM by KeepItTogether »
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #74 on: February 14, 2020, 12:33:59 AM »
Quote from: OneDayAtATime
My life has changed in many ways and I'm quite happy with what I have achieved.. A lot more work for me to do still (are we ever finished?!) but I can truly say that closing the door on my H was the best thing I ever did.. It was hard to do and I think I resisted it for a long time because it wasn't what I wanted but my life has improved enormously since the pain was replaced by acceptance

Yep.  Fully concur with this as well.... I have been asked before by various people why I didn't bail out earlier.... My reply was that it never occurred to me to do that and NOT try to work on the R first... THAT just wasn't in the plan...

Having been forced to deal with it being done to ME though meant that I took back 100% control over my life, made my own plans, and got back in touch with things, activities, and people that gave me joy and pleasure...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Online Milly

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #75 on: February 14, 2020, 05:02:30 PM »
So much stuff to comment on. Yes, maybe our spouses have found their new happy, after all, why would they still be living this way if it weren't so? They are grown ups with free will. There has to be something good about their lives with the OP. I don't like that, but I feel I must accept it. What would have made it so much easier to accept would have been a decent break up without all the extra pain and destruction that came with.

I don't get any validation in RL. I never speak about my H and the aftermaths of what he did to me and my kids to RL people because I can see from their faces that they don't want to hear it. They can't understand. I pretend I'm all fine with them. So probably like you Treasur, this is what draws me to HS on a regular basis.

I envy LBSs who find someone new to love. I hear them all say how they have now found someone who loves them for who they are, who doesn't do all the stuff the MLCer did not only after BD, but before BD, too. What does that say for me? Have I just accepted to be mistreated? Why can't I find someone else, too? These are just a few of the questions I'm having and I suspect I'm not the only one.

I don't think MLC is a gift, at least for me and my kids. I know that even if I were to find a wonderful new person, or even if my H were to come back repentant and improved, my kids will always carry the scars from what's happened. The destruction of their family while they were still children is incurable as far as I'm concerned. I would rather have had my H unwell, and me without my mirror work, and our family together than any of this. If I think about it, I still can't believe that my H of 25+ years, and father of my 3 children could take such a left turn at this point in our lives. But maybe that's just me.

So back to the beginning, there's a bigger chance that my H will never come out of his crisis than there is that he will. I am coming to terms with this.

Treasur, you finding that letter from your H is a gift as far as I'm concerned. Finding it now, all these years later, a day before Valentine's Day. To an outsider it shows inner knowledge on his part that something was overtaking him, something he didn't understand or could control. It also reinforces what you've always told us, that he loved you the whole time you were together. To me this would be very significant. It would confirm that my memories were not wrong. That your H married you for love. That he loved you the whole time until his issues took over his head. It gives you every right to enjoy your memories since they are real. Your whole marriage was real.  I hope you get this out of it, too.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Thunder

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #76 on: February 14, 2020, 05:41:43 PM »
Milly,

I agree with SO much of what you said, just wanted you to know.

I also agree with what you told Treasur.

"Finding that letter reinforces what you've always told us, that he loved you the whole time you were together. To me this would be very significant. It would confirm that my memories were not wrong. That your H married you for love. That he loved you the whole time until his issues took over his head. It gives you every right to enjoy your memories since they are real. Your whole marriage was real."
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Maleficent

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #77 on: February 14, 2020, 05:47:34 PM »
Echoing. "Your whole marriage was real." Much love.

And happy Valentine's Day and thank you for all you do for those of us who follow behind.  :-*
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline Nerissa

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #78 on: February 15, 2020, 01:21:37 AM »
That’s a very touching post Milly and it speaks to me too. Xx

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's A Wonderful Life
« Reply #79 on: February 15, 2020, 01:35:16 AM »
Quote
It gives you every right to enjoy your memories since they are real. Your whole marriage was real.  I hope you get this out of it, too.

Thank you, Milly. Ah maybe one of those God post it note moments that come along uninvited....
I was surprised by it and surprised by reading it. I think i have got used to not seeing 'him' now if that make sense? The gift of time and NC. It did make me feel sad for both of us though, such a waste of good love and trust. I can see how honest and open we used to be with each other, that I didn't imagine that either. Until he built a wall between us and stopped.  How sad the person who wrote it would be, really sad. Most of all I think that where he ended up was really not at all where he wanted or planned to be, even if he is happy enough with it now as you say Milly. I can understand why folks like that might have moments of 'how on earth did I end up here', no different than we LBS really. I honestly don't know why the conversation that he so passionately wanted to have then didn't happen - the path not taken - only that it wasn't my doing.

Hey ho. But yes, I have tucked it away where I can remember who and how we were if I need to.

I also found an old letter from a friend of mine from years ago who had known xh and his family way before I did. She had a lot of FOO stuff to work on in her own life and, for some reason, can't remember why, she shares a story of an evening with his family and the behaviour she saw. As well as her belief that we are good for each other but her recognition that my then h was carrying some real baggage that he would have to address. Can't remember why she wrote it, or why I kept it. Tbh it is the kind of thing that would be a very useful external view for a recovering MLCer lol. It was a very sharp snapshot from about 25 years ago. But - and I claim my 500 LBS recovery points lol - it never occurred to me to send it to him ha ha. Coming up on almost a year of NC for me (bar ignoring a couple of weird emails from him and a nasty msg from ow)....my garden is now WTF free  ;)

But meanwhile I am throwing away hundreds of photos.....isn't it amazing how many photos we accumulate over a few decades? Pics of people we can't remember now or roses we no longer tend or the detail of old houses we no longer live in, photos we never look at. But amongst them, a few jewels that are like a direct tunnel to places or people we loved.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2020, 01:51:05 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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