[Acorn]

Today is the last day of 2019.  A time for reflection and self examination for many.  Hence, this discussion thread. 

It is often said on the forum that midlife crisis is not about marriage.  I agree, MLC is about the issues within the MLCer.

However,

What if fractured marriage was a catalyst that helped launch MLC in some cases? 

Might it be a question LBS should ask herself unflinchingly?   That would involve taking off the rose-coloured glasses and lifting the MLC excuse blanket that may be covering up an elephant or two.  Trust me, it is painful to ask that question.  It made me feel excruciatingly vulnerable.  But ask, I had to, in order to look at our marriage in complete honesty and humility, and to see if I was using MLC to justify his emotional divorce from me.  It was not all that difficult for me to be blind, conceited and self protective enough to declare, ‘Hey, it must be MLC.  Why else would he turn away from perfectly lovely moi and our marriage!’  As all of you are aware, that kind of delusional thinking stops you from getting a grip on reality of your marital situation. 

Have you ever asked yourself the question:

“Is my fractured marriage a fallout of MLC, or, was it a catalyst that helped launch MLC in my spouse?

[megogirl]

For me, a fractured marriage was definitely a fallout of MLC.

I can say that because we went from over-the-moon happy about acquiring our lake house to him wanting his divorce almost overnight.

Then once I’d connected all the dots I traced the genesis of his MLC.  That was largely due in part to the brilliance of RCR’s articles.  She made sense of the nonsensical.

Of course, we had our moments - all marriages do.  But there was, and is, a whole lot of love there. 

[Hoosier Daddy]

I know I contributed to this crisis she is having.  My wife was a non communicator and I resented that she was not letting me in on her deepest feelings/thoughts.  I treated her differently because of this and I think it led to her thinking that I didn't care about her.  I should of worked harder.  I am full of regret over this.  The crisis may of happened anyway but I'll never know.  I have asked for God's forgiveness and received.  Hopefully she will forgive me one day.  Only then will I be able to forgive myself.

HD

[trusting]

Our fractured marriage is definitely a result of the MLC.  I spent the first few years of his MLC going over and over and over and over our marriage and our relationship, trying to figure out the breakdown and what went wrong.  There isn't anything.  We had a healthy, happy marriage and relationship. Of course there were ups and downs, like any relationship, but nothing that was broken.  I can see evidence looking back that there were some issues within my H regarding his childhood, etc., but not in our marriage. 

[Disillusioned]

I firmly believe that the marriage was fractured and led to MLC in my case.  In fact, I often think I had a somewhat wallower style of MLC myself, prior to W's implosion, or at least situational depression.  If I'm being honest, the lack of intimacy for a decade and the addictive personalities of several of her family members (a behavior that makes me somewhat anxious and judgmental) "caused?" me to retreat into partisan politics and video games as an escape from the unhappiness, at the exclusion of giving my W unconditional love and support.  I argued with her incessantly about conservative/liberal politics, and when it came time to go to bed at night, I let her go alone.  My IC once said, as we were exploring my W's infidelity, "You cheated too.  You used the Playstation as a mistress."  When I told my W that, she burst into tears. W has said numerous times "One day, you walked in the door a completely different person." I can't argue with that.  She also said, at the start of her crisis, "I've been dealing with this for years and you can't even hang on 6 months?"   She also blamed her hormones and needing to get over the OM, so I know that she was aware that she was going through something. 

This is a real simple gloss over of the complexities of issues in our marriage, but it definitely wasn't perfect by any means.

I've never provided my story here, although there are plenty of bits and pieces strewn throughout the threads of HS and I can see that I've often struggled with this question and whether something besides "foo" can lend itself to MLC.  The answers, for me, may be irrelevant at this point.  She has filed and is adamant there is nothing left to save.  She has been very Script, so I hold out hope that there may be an awakening somewhere down the line, but in the cold, hard light of day, the marriage wasn't great.  She believes the universe put OM in front of her to show her that there were better relationships out there.  That's not something easy to dissuade her from, given the circumstances.

I continue to wear my ring, and I try to pave the way as I balance the line between being kind and being a doormat.  I struggle with what I think God wants me to do.

Much love to everyone here, both LBS and MLC'r, both standing and not.  May 2020 be a healthier, happier year for all.

[Anon]

I’m reading the question as - was your marriage a rough one before MLC arrived?

We know that MLC has nothing to do with the marriage so regardless of the shape your marriage was in, MLC would hit. 

Maybe though, the state of your marriage before the MLC has some influence over whether the marriage survives MLC.  Maybe your marriage was destined to fail even if no MLC hit.   In this case it would be very tough to imagine a successful reconciliation when the MLC ends unless there is significant mirror work done by both spouses. 

In my case, the marriage was solid and not fractured.   Not in the least.  I’m still in disbelief at times, most of the time.  It’s the biggest wtf of my entire life and likely will remain that way.   Will we reconcile?  I really doubt it, most likely because I will have zero interest if or when the opportunity arrives. 

[Seahorse]

I know I contributed to this crisis she is having.  My wife was a non communicator and I resented that she was not letting me in on her deepest feelings/thoughts.  I treated her differently because of this and I think it led to her thinking that I didn't care about her.  I should of worked harder.  I am full of regret over this.  The crisis may of happened anyway but I'll never know.  I have asked for God's forgiveness and received.  Hopefully she will forgive me one day.  Only then will I be able to forgive myself.

HD

HD -
Yes, there are things we should have done differently, but nobody is personally "responsible" for making their spouse have a MLC.  Don't beat yourself up over this.  You have received God's forgiveness, you have asked for your wife's forgiveness, and you DEFINITELY, therefore, should forgive yourself (not requiring her forgiveness to do so).  She may NEVER forgive you.  That's on her, not on you...

I apologized to my H in MC over 2 years ago, yet he mentioned last week how I've never apologized for my contribution to the downfall of the marriage.  Did that bother me?  No - because he is in MLC and won't remember, and can't forgive yet even when I asked for it.  I didn't ask again.  Maybe in the future if we start to reconnect, but only falls on deaf ears.

Sea

[Anon]

I firmly believe that the marriage was fractured and led to MLC in my case.

MLC has nothing to do with the marriage.  Even a erfect marriage cannot prevent a MLC.   Why do you think your marriage caused her MLC?

[Seahorse]

Acorn - once again, great question.

It's a difficult one for me, and you're right - provokes very defensive thoughts..
So, since I've avoided answering for about 2 hours now, I guess it's time.

The cause of my H's MLC is difficult to define.
There were no serious traumas around the time of BD that I could see.
We had just moved to a new state - but it's where we had wanted to move for over 25 years - so should have been a great thing for us.
I had become controlling, jealous and possessive over the years, plus withholding sex (not spitefully), and we developed a difference in childrearing opinions.
Then there was the deployment (2005), which also seemed to change our family dynamics.

I believe that our marriage was anything from perfect, but believe that it was perfect at one time.
Before I let my jealousy (runs pretty deep on my mom's side of the family) and control (I took over because H was at work so much and things would not get done so I did them) take over, we were the couple that were "madly in love".  Even people at H's work said all he talks about his you and the kids.

So, I believe it was broken, but not irreparable.
MLC has allowed me to see the things that I did to "fracture" our marriage, but I'm not convinced that these things are what drove my H to his MLC.
He has FOO issues; his father left when he was young (moved to another country).  His mother's career provided that he be raised by a nanny, then boarding school when older.  His step father (around 10) came into the picture and was very regimented and demanding with high expectations.  Many of these were unable to be filled by my teenage H resulting in feeling like a failure until mid adulthood when H had accomplished much for himself and made his step father happy.  He was never adopted legally, which I think was difficult for him.  He tried, but FIL died one month before it was made to be final (2018).  So...

To answer your question -- did the chicken or the egg come first?
I still don't know the answer, but without one there would not be the other...

Happy 2020 eve!~

[Couragedearheart]

There were issues. I wasn’t confrontational. If I did try to confront an issue H would shut down, or change the subject or say he didn’t know and could we come back to it later and then never would. Or he would want to know why I insisted on ruining a good day. H just wanted to ignore all the bad things.

And I was scared of losing my family, and scared of my own emotions and I just bit my tongue and dealt with it.

H’s biggest complaint was not getting what he wanted or needed out of the marriage....H has also never said what he wanted or needed....no amount of prompting had ever been able to drag anything more than an “I don’t know” out of him.

The move was what broke us, H being alone for the first time in 14 years, at a work in iron meant that has lots of yelling, cussing, throwing things and name calling and berating along with manipulation and blaming and backbiting....when I arrived 3 months after him...he was already talking to AP....then he just pushed me further and further away. Told me not to talk to him, told me not to ask any questions, told me not to ask for anything or any time.
I began to get depressed. That’s when H started to think about divorce.

Why was it so easy for H to get involved with AP....because we weren’t emotionally attached very well....because H is scared of vulnerability.

Is it fixable...sure....if 2 people want to fix it.