[Disillusioned]

Just to be clear - most of my time on the Playstation (to the point of obsession at some points) was spent gaming with RL friends.  When I was gaming with strangers, it was rarely with women and it was always over after the game session ended.  In all the years I was married, I never once created and/or maintained an online relationship with anyone.

Of course, I can see everyone's point here - my IC, Gman, Terra, Mego and everyone else with a perspective on it.  Ultimately, I am responsible for my actions and behavior,  and the time I spent on the Playstation instead of with my wife was neglect.  The causes I attribute to my withdrawal do not negate her feelings of abandonment. 

[gman242]

I don't think anyone was accusing you of anything and I wasn't trying to create a whole side discussion. I took offense somewhat on your behalf for being told you were "cheating" too. You may have been neglecting your wife's needs, but yours weren't being met either and that's an unfair transaction  You began looking after your own needs as did I even if that meant neglecting your wife's needs.

And FYI I don't agree with cheating, so this isn't justification for it.

[Disillusioned]

I don't think anyone was accusing you of anything and I wasn't trying to create a whole side discussion. I took offense somewhat on your behalf for being told you were "cheating" too. You may have been neglecting your wife's needs, but yours weren't being met either and that's an unfair transaction  You began looking after your own needs as did I even if that meant neglecting your wife's needs.

And FYI I don't agree with cheating, so this isn't justification for it.

Thanks Gman.  I didn't feel attacked. I just wanted to clarify that I wasn't engaging in any inappropriate behavior with people online. The excessive gaming was just my poor coping skills to the lack of intimacy in the marriage.

Appreciate your white knight tendencies coming through for me, though!   

[gman242]

Ha! thank you!

Poor coping skills.. you hit the nail right on the head. I wished I had followed some kind of protocol, but I also knew in doing so, I would have ended up divorced anyway. So I didn't, I coped poorly and it happened regardless. Coulda woulda shoulda, but I made out better post BD and divorce than I would have if I had done it on my own, so the BD and MLC were a blessing in disguise.

Next time though, I'm an advocate for my own needs and I will have boundaries and protocols in place.

[megogirl]

LOL no back in my day (Atari) there was certainly no game-sharing.  But I still don’t consider it cheating, even though interaction with others happens. 

It is simply neglect.  Because the sole focus is on the game, not the other person.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Of course, I can see everyone's point here - my IC, Gman, Terra, Mego and everyone else with a perspective on it.  Ultimately, I am responsible for my actions and behavior,  and the time I spent on the Playstation instead of with my wife was neglect.

Yes, you are always responsible for your actions. Good and bad. Now, my new w, who is amazing in so many ways, likes to go to bed and watch various shows on her phone. She watches every night for about an hour. Then she goes to sleep. I sometimes go to bed with her and fall asleep or I may stay and write on HS or watch sports. Our actions don't bother each other. After all, she needs some time to decompress from her day and just a little time for herself.

The question is, did actions in the marriage lead to MLC or was MLC going to happen regardless of the actions of the LBSer. From my perspective, the MLC was going to happen sooner or later. The issues or demons that arose from my MLCer were already in place long before I was in the picture. After my ex's mother died, those issues began to rise, she began to withdraw then and I was ignorant to her situation. Instead, I thought I was helping by supporting the girls and letting her do her thing. There was a lack of communication, but that did not create a situation where the solution was to find someone new. Then to blame me and tell me that our entire 18 years was a sham and that she never loved me.

In Disillusioned's case, I don't know how much time he spent on the game. Also, did his w approach him and communicate that he was spending too much time on the game and neglecting her? My ex brought up stuff that occurred throughout the years but never did she confront the issue when it happened. We can be many things,  but mind readers we are not.

If the marriage caused the MLC, then why do single people also have MLC? I know of happy single people suddenly going off the crazy rails, getting married within weeks, and having a child.  Then regretting everything they did down the road. Wishing they had kept their previous life.

So from my perspective, we may be part of the trigger that leads to the crisis, but the crisis will be triggered one way or the other with or without a spouse.

Just my opinion,

Ready

[Not Applicable]

I've seen two ads in the last couple days for video games that were clearly pornographic. One said "You can do anything you want in this game" with a very seductive looking female figure and the other says something like "If your wife is jealous, she won't want you playing this game" and there is a figure in a bikini. I had a platonic male friend that i hung out with for a while in the late 90s (we had a sport interest in common) who was rather immature (as well as an alcoholic) and I remember him telling me he had this hack for some Lara Croft video game that he liked to play that showed her in the nude. So video games aren't always that innocent.

[3Boys4Me]

Video games aren’t always “innocent.” That would only be relevant if the person playing the video games were using them as porn rather than gaming - from what has been stated that isn’t the case.

[Limboland2018]

Hi I thought I would share my discussion with my ex from yesterday. He seems to be popping out of his tunnel and is having some awareness although he seems to have blocked/forgotten parts of his behaviour during monster.

He told me that his “illness” had nothing to do with our marriage. I don’t walk on eggshells anymore so I just proffered that he got bored of me, our sex life and wasn’t attracted to me anymore (I wasn’t going to be hurt as he’s already rejected me - I just wanted the truth). He said not at all. That there were some everyday issues but due to his conflict avoidant personality he was unable to express himself. He said he does it across business, friends, family and Ofcourse me.  Everything just boiled over and he couldn’t cope.

He went into a mental health clinic for a number of weeks. He was expecting it to highlight all the problems in our marriage but it highlighted deeper issues within him. So ...... mlc is more than marriage issues in my case. Our relationship and family was the critically injured party in this.

So in my case...

[Finding Joy]

Limbo- So many MLCers seem to be conflict avoidant personalities.  How can the spouse know anything is wrong if it isn’t communicated.  What can you do if you don’t even know there is a problem.  That is on the MLCer not the LBS.