Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story The Heart

V
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2970
  • Gender: Female
My Story The Heart
OP: January 03, 2020, 04:54:35 PM
"The mind creates the abyss.
The heart crosses it."
— Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10586.0;all
  • Logged

e
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 452
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Heart
#1: January 03, 2020, 06:32:23 PM
Hi velika.

We are on the same time line. My ex husband recently apologized to me and my daughter as well. Interesting how mine said sorry but didnt really show remorse or say anything about his current life. Very similar. They must have the same rule book. Lol.
  • Logged

V
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2970
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Heart
#2: January 05, 2020, 12:04:23 PM
My last thread ended with a technique I recently tried for PTSD, which I would like to encourage everyone to do. My sister shared this approach with me from a podcast, which essentially has you pinpoint the beliefs that have arisen from your traumas.

To my surprise, I found this incredibly illuminating. I think it is especially useful if you go back to childhood. It is not hard to see patterns formed early on, with beliefs arising not out of weakness but out of goodheartedness. I think that even if you can just get a small crack of light open here, you will start to open up a pathway to a genuine reconnection to yourself.

I believe strongly that MLC is a neurological condition with a social component. Most of us would not be here if the behavior of MLCers were not tolerated. Hiding money, emotionally abusing another person, using children to harm the other parent — these behaviors are barbaric. But it is, I think, the milder forms of cowardice — of those who stand by and do nothing, of deep gaps in therapy and legal system, of taboos surrounding mental illness, people's deep fear of raw emotions and complexity of human experience, that truly cause the most harm.

I think the number one challenge most of us are dealing with is deep energetic trauma coupled with a belief (whether conscious or subconscious) that the mistreatment was in any way merited. Please, if you are reading this, know that this should be how you approach this! You need to make yourself feel safe — by self protecting, self care, and self partnership — to minimize further trauma. Find healers and therapists that can help you recover physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Don't feel ashamed that you are in pain or in suffering. Use places where you feel ashamed or uncomfortable as real openings to understanding what needs to be healed. Make sure your self care aligns to what makes YOU feel good, and try to see if any old beliefs from childhood hold you back in this. The type of things many of us are grappling with are very heavy, serious, yet also meaningful work of many spiritual seekers and philosophical thinkers.

I also really, really want people to try hard to not get into a mindset often shared on here about a MLCer that I think unfortunately often gives their own power away. There is a type of mixed messaging here that I think is not instructive or helpful. Most people are far better off divorcing quickly and being laser focused on protecting financial assets. Our genuine hope and belief in the person we believed our spouse to be can be very beautiful, but to honor that truly, I think, then you must do what THIS person (whether they existed or not) would want you to do — or anyone to do — when faced with an unwell person who was mistreating them.

Try to surround yourself with kind, caring, and humble people who area really capable of loving others. I have found it is often the people who have really faced their own anger and most unflattering aspects of themselves — who are not squeamish about their own complex nature — who are able to be the most genuinely supportive. Don't be afraid of your own emotions, inconsistent paths, or even feeling bad. I think there is some real magic when you lean into the raw, unconscious, irrational aspects of your experience. If anything, this is an incredible opportunity to expand your ideas of what it means to be a human being. I don't mean this in a positivist, "achievement" oriented way. I mean it more like a spiritual path or process. I think it takes real, true courage!

Anyone who is not kind to you, loving, or cares for you in a deep way is not worth having in your life. As human beings, it is easy to hurt one another, but someone who hurts you and cares for you will own their behavior. Your spouse's behavior is not a reflection of you, but the beliefs you may have about it are. (And even try to notice if you are arguing a lot against these beliefs — whether in therapy, on here, or with loved ones — it may be a sign that you think that they need defending and so actually believe them.) This does not mean that you are weak or "codependent," or anything other than that a genuine, deeply probably very kind and good hearted innocent and STRONG part of yourself is willing to take on other people's pain as your own. Try to find a way to redirect that amazing energy to yourself.

Thank you so much to everyone who has given me so much to think about on this forum, commented, asked helpful questions, cheered me up, encouraged me. I never have participated in any type of online forum before and never imagined this, but I can't imagine going through this without the insights and care of so many kind hearted strangers.

Big hugs. 💛
  • Logged
« Last Edit: January 05, 2020, 12:16:29 PM by Velika »

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10495
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Heart
#3: January 05, 2020, 12:29:17 PM
There is a real, tough, kind wisdom in your words, V. Hard-earned no doubt.
Yes, the people who used to love me in my past - including my h as he was - would want more for me than to be collateral damage to someone else's disregard and destruction. They would want me to have a kind loving fruitful safe life. To metaphorically sing again. And yes kind good honest people are like balm after this kind of life experience and finding them is a kind of self care.

I have started listening to the podcast, thank you for recommending it.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: January 05, 2020, 12:30:18 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

V
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2970
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Heart
#4: January 05, 2020, 12:30:40 PM
Just want to add a note on coparenting. For me the very most difficult part of this is having to share custody of our young son with someone who mistreated me, who feels like a stranger, and who I believe is unwell. This is an ongoing trauma I really would not wish on anyone, not least of all because of a deep societal pressure to see all relational issues as emotional, and not based on mental health, and denial that divorce itself can be a type of socially accepted abuse.

For me, the worst complex PTSD came from the way my ex treated my son and me, not as two people who loved each other, but almost like things he had to control and own. I ended up becoming mostly vegan/vegetarian as a result of this experience, feeling deeply the barbaric way that animals and their offspring are used and commodified and spearated.

I ended up having to seek a very alternative and intensive PTSD therapy when it came to the point where my own son became a trigger for me. I actually considered running away, I was in so much pain — and I am really a naturally loving and caring mom who would not abandon her child. I realized with a lot of compassion that it really is possible to emotionally torment and abuse someone to the point where they destabilize.

If this is you, if you see any aspect of yourself in this story, know that there really are people who will help you out of this. Don't give up on yourself or let others make you feel bad if you are fighting your way out of a fog of trauma. I really believe children have the deep wisdom we often don't give them credit for, and will come to see how hard we fought our way back to them.

At the same time, I do feel in my best moments, that I need to really let my son love and spend time with his dad, even in this very flawed form. The very beautiful thing about children is their ability to love without expectations. In fact, I deeply hope this is all my son will remember from this experience: his own ability to love.
  • Logged

V
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2970
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Heart
#5: January 23, 2020, 11:00:20 AM
I saw my ex for the first time in a long time. It was a little surreal. I hope my experience can help some of you who are new to this.

Energetically, it was kind of like seeing a fly wrapped up in the silk of a spider. I can't say he is the spider or the fly, it was just this general impression that something has fully gotten hold of him. Very pale, glassy eyes. Nothing recognizable. In fact, just last night I was remembering that sort of sweet spark of his personality that I saw when I first met him. I hadn't thought of it for years and years. This is totally gone. It is like he has morph into an entirely different creature.

I feel like I have witnessed a totally bizarre natural phenomenon.

I found myself reacting to him totally neutrally. I felt deeply grateful it was never an issue that he wanted to come home. I felt once again OW has done me an incredible favor. I truly believe she may be one of my angels in disguise, the babies too.

If you are new to this, please consider this. Try to mourn the person you have lost, but don't blame yourself in any way. Don't put it on yourself to snap them out of it, there's no way. There is no possible way you could have caused this, or somehow miraculously fix this.

Be glad that this (MLC) didn't happen to YOU, to your mind and brain.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10495
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Heart
#6: January 23, 2020, 11:48:54 AM
Thank you for sharing this, V.

I don't think all MLCers are the same here. But some seem to undergo the kind of profound dislocation that turns them into something very other, very dark, very off. Understanding MLC intellectually does not necessarily help us to get that. I think we can feel it though when we are exposed to it; it's just difficult to trust that gut sense when we are traumatised and trying to comprehend something outside our own experience or rational reach. My gut knew things first that my head and heart could not. My gut knew that my then h had become something that was a real risk to my safety even though I could not comprehend it or explain it. I just knew.

I simply don't have the power to effect that kind of change in another human being. I don't really truly understand it even now. I certainly couldn't have done anything to prevent it or fix it. Like you, with time, I have become more and more grateful that whatever it was it was removed from my life. No good comes from it and I could not have lived with it. But it took quite a while to be able to trust that feeling and to not sell myself a different more 'normal' story about what I had experienced.

Not all MLCers are the same. But some, maybe a minority idk, are like you describe.
I hope though that your words comfort a few LBS here who still doubt if they could have done anything at all with this kind of change in their spouse. Bc often that doubt damages us more than the MLCer does imho.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: January 23, 2020, 12:01:59 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

t
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 480
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Heart
#7: January 23, 2020, 12:47:46 PM
Velika, somehow I missed this thread when you first began it, so I am thankful to catch it today.

It is definitely true that continuous mistreatment may destabilize a healthy and previously well-adjusted person. Negativity on its own can be harmful to both mental and medical health.

Some of this trauma, especially if coupled with or complicated by earlier and childhood trauma, I don’t think should be an “I can fix this myself” path. It’s important to have other safe humans involved in the processing sometimes. For me, I needed a CSAT who was qualified to employ EMDR treatment. The funny thing about it was that it involved almost no verbal reprocessing at all.

If you’ve seen my threads or comments, you know I’m very verbal and verbose. What I want to say about that, fwiw, is that sometimes talking about it is like finding oneself in a thicket of unfamiliar thorns and branches, and maybe we know where we’re headed when we’re going into it, but sometimes it gets scary for a moment if we suddenly feel stuck, lost, or misdirected.

That’s why it’s often good if there is someone else witnessing our process. They can gently say the right thing in a moment of concern, to get the path clear again. And we need to know there are others waiting for us on the return. Maybe much like the MLC spouse who touches base every so often, to make sure.

I’d love to hear more about the podcast and will go back into your previous thread or posts to see if there’s a link to it.

One thing I learned beyond my IC and EMDR is that it can be extremely helpful and healing to recognize that in these deep remembrances or  introspections of our own trauma or early hurts, there was a higher awareness present with us in each instance. That there always is. Whether God in a Christian sense or Higher Self or whatever we prefer to call it, there is a loving awareness alongside in You as you go along.

In recalling the hurts and harms, if we can see ourselves with the compassion and Love we have for any other, particularly our children if we are parents, if we can feel the protectiveness and objective guardianship toward a Loved One, that same strength and compassion and logic, even “emotional logic”, has to be applied diligently to our own Self as well.

There are some hurts and harms that were not preventable, for whatever reason. And that is not your fault. Always apply the logic and heart you would give readily to a Loved Other, to You. We have got to hold our own humanity, vulnerability, guilelessness, and trust as valuable and to be protected and soothed.

And then sometimes we need to use all of those traits to teach or re-teach our adult Self how to resolve and heal from these injuries. The same kindly way we would our own child or children or  any Loved Other.

For me, it’s helpful to remember always that this thing that happened or is happening is not for all time, and is just a natural if painful passage in maturation. Some people, of any age and all ages, will kick against this process until the day they die.

We don’t have to do that. No one does.

And we also don’t have to keep living with negative messaging, actions, or persons in our life.

There comes a time when boundaries are the best decisions we can make for ourselves. And frankly, setting boundaries and employing the consequences may be the best action we can take, with those who have hurt us. Make and own your structure and self authority. Others will learn, likely through much trial and error and testing and consequence, and over time, that You know who You really are, and that your values and value are not contestable.

They will then either exit your life or limit interaction with it, or will fall in line.

Either way, there’s peace in the result.

It hurts to lose those we love, whether to infidelity or just to their own changed mind. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to be widowed and grieving. But we can’t lose *ourselves* in all this.

If you are processing trauma, know there were earlier traumas. Know that it all matters, and that it is possible to heal. But know also that some of it may want a second mind or heart or voice to hold safety for you as you process. Write it down, but also say it. Say it, but also feel it. Feel it, but also move through it.

And keep your Self aware that there is light and rest and joy along the way. Stay open to that. Get help when you need it, get the best help professionally when needed and within your means. But keep living and just know that You get to say Yes or No, to what and who does and doesn’t work for You.

I don’t mean to derail your thread, Velika, so I hope I haven’t. Just know I’m in full agreement here.

This thread is a Yes for Me today; thank You.
  • Logged

V
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2970
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Heart
#8: January 23, 2020, 01:20:11 PM
That’s why it’s often good if there is someone else witnessing our process. They can gently say the right thing in a moment of concern, to get the path clear again. And we need to know there are others waiting for us on the return. Maybe much like the MLC spouse who touches base every so often, to make sure.

I’d love to hear more about the podcast and will go back into your previous thread or posts to see if there’s a link to it.

One thing I learned beyond my IC and EMDR is that it can be extremely helpful and healing to recognize that in these deep remembrances or  introspections of our own trauma or early hurts, there was a higher awareness present with us in each instance. That there always is. Whether God in a Christian sense or Higher Self or whatever we prefer to call it, there is a loving awareness alongside in You as you go along.

In recalling the hurts and harms, if we can see ourselves with the compassion and Love we have for any other, particularly our children if we are parents, if we can feel the protectiveness and objective guardianship toward a Loved One, that same strength and compassion and logic, even “emotional logic”, has to be applied diligently to our own Self as well.

There are some hurts and harms that were not preventable, for whatever reason. And that is not your fault. Always apply the logic and heart you would give readily to a Loved Other, to You. We have got to hold our own humanity, vulnerability, guilelessness, and trust as valuable and to be protected and soothed.

And then sometimes we need to use all of those traits to teach or re-teach our adult Self how to resolve and heal from these injuries. The same kindly way we would our own child or children or  any Loved Other.

Terra, your entire post is so beautiful. I hope everyone reads it.

One of the reasons PTSD can be challenging to overcome is because the trauma is stored without language. It is an energetic memory. That is why an articulate, self-aware, psychologically sophisticated person can end up reacting so strongly even against logic. To this end, as you point out, really experienced trauma therapists and approaches can help a lot.

I think like many people who have C-PTSD or PTSD, I have had to face the fact that it is a bit like I have a mild disability. I think this is the gentlest way to approach it. Even with a lot of therapy and various approaches, I know that I'm probably always going to have some sensitivity in certain areas.

I had been reflecting that when I examined my own early childhood traumas, there were no big surprises. But as you wrote, it was sort of that "energetic" understanding of the person who was traumatized (i.e. the pre-trauma self) and then the traumatized person that really impacted me the most. This is a little hard to hold onto, and I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself well. But as you write, it is this wise, innocent, watchful self that has always truly been there. It's actually very beautiful in many ways.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 7882
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Heart
#9: January 23, 2020, 02:43:47 PM
Lovely posts. The individuation process is hard from any long term/heavily bonded relationship, but the mental instability factor that comes with these certainly adds another layer.
  • Logged
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.