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Author Topic: My Story The Heart

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My Story Re: The Heart
#10: January 23, 2020, 03:37:03 PM
Quote
One of the reasons PTSD can be challenging to overcome is because the trauma is stored without language. It is an energetic memory. That is why an articulate, self-aware, psychologically sophisticated person can end up reacting so strongly even against logic. To this end, as you point out, really experienced trauma therapists and approaches can help a lot.

I think like many people who have C-PTSD or PTSD, I have had to face the fact that it is a bit like I have a mild disability. I think this is the gentlest way to approach it. Even with a lot of therapy and various approaches, I know that I'm probably always going to have some sensitivity in certain areas.

This x 1000
PTSD damaged me and my life more than the losses that triggered it. I hope that there will be a Me without PTSD residue someday, but yes, it feels as if I have a disability still a bit.

I was like a flayed six year old. I lived without emotional skin for about two years probably. I had no words for most of what I felt....so of course I couldn't out-think it or out-talk it. I get that now, but I didn't then. So I felt ashamed and even more helpless which made it all worse. I desparately needed the world to be kind just for a little while, but it wasn't so I hid. Being able to hear that Loving Other voice through the noise, even when I did not know where it came from, was absolutely part of what saved me.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: The Heart
#11: January 29, 2020, 07:38:42 PM
I was just reflecting that I have been so focused on overcoming PTSD sometimes that I forget how truly sad everything that has happened to me is. I really don't want to feel that kind of incapacitating nervous-system driven pain, but I think sometimes there is a type of pain in the heart that I think opens us up to a deeper truth and love. That this is where the real answers are.

I forgot to mention that some weeks ago, my now ex took our son on a trip where they went sledding. Our son hit his head (no helmet) and ended up in the emergency room. He was okay, no stitches required, but apparently he blacked out either for 30 seconds or two minutes according to who you ask.

My ex didn't tell me this for four days. Yet when I attempt to relay this information to others as a cause of concern, they now tell me, "That's just your ex." Or, "He is an [expletive]."

I'm not sure what it is going to take to get someone to take me seriously. The other day I had to be in a meeting with my ex at our son's school. He was angry with me that I had told the school about his new partner (OW's) profession. Instead of feeling ashamed or leveling or even making some palatable excuse (like she wanted to put that behind her etc.), he projected all the guilt, once again, on ME.

I know we can all roll our eyes and say this is awful. But it scares me. That our son could be badly hurt. That he lacks so little empathy and self-reflection that he could hurt ME in this demented state. He owes me months of child support as well as reimbursements for our son's expenses.

Our son loves his sisters and to his credit is so nonjudgmental and genuinely loving that I think even if he one day sees his dad's behavior in a more clear-sighted and unflattering light, he will never hate him. Yet I question myself all the time.
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Re: The Heart
#12: January 30, 2020, 04:05:35 PM
Velika, I'm so glad your S is ok, but your H not informing you right away is not on. Did your H admit he should have told you? I feel he really needs to understand that you must be informed. This is really outrageous and even dangerous.

Yes, it's unfair after all you've done to accept your S being with your H and his wife and new kids, that your H doesn't even respect you as the mother of his child to inform you. Hopefully, he is aware of how serious the knock on the head could have been. I'm so sorry.

And your H being angry with you for telling on his wife's previous job, sounds like your H is still a teenager, still in his crisis, still deflecting all blame, and you as his LBS are the cause of all problems in his life. I said to my H that if there were a nuclear war it would be my fault, too. I hope you gave your H a mouth full.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: The Heart
#13: January 31, 2020, 02:21:35 PM
I hope you gave your H a mouth full.

 :D I hope so, too.  Your exH's behavior of not telling you about your son's accident is not ok.  So is owing you child support.  Is there something you can do about it?

I think that people who have not gone through a similar experience do not really get the bizarreness of it all - the drastic change in our former Hs' personality, their sudden abandonment of their life with us, their attitude as if this is the most normal thing in the world to do and that it is us who are behaving unreasonably.  They are far from how we knew them but for others who have not been so close to them, they may just seem slightly off.

During my divorce hearing, I was asked to state the date since when we had been separated.  My date differed from the one that exH had given the court (he placed it slightly earlier). I mentioned that I received exH's email on that day in which he told me that he no longer wanted to be a couple with me. The judge - a very likeable young lady - exclaimed that marriages don't end like that, out of the blue, that the end of a marriage is usually a process (implying that both spouses were aware of the difficulties for a while and talked about them). I thought that, yes, isn't that how divorces usually go?  No wonder that I still feel today, more than four years after receiving this email, that this has been such an odd and perplexing experience to go through. At times, it's even hard to believe that this really happened, that H was capable of just walking away from what we had and created together.

MLCers are off in their behavior, they far from "normal" human behavior.  Please do not let your exH's words doubt yourself.  He is the bizarre one here, not you.
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Me: 49 (43 at BD1)
H: 54 (48 at BD1)
D: 12 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, H moved abroad
August 2018: Received divorce papers in the mail unexpectedly
May 2019: H gave up his job and moved about 1.5 hours to where D12 and I live
Divorced: January 2020

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Re: The Heart
#14: January 31, 2020, 06:46:20 PM
Thank you Milly and Puzzled. To be honest, I didn't get angry at him because once again I went into shock. I feel I could be a great case study for going into shock and what it does to the mind, body, and brain. I have noticed curiously, despite all the stress, I have not aged very rapidly in the last few years, and wondered if perhaps my internal clock just stopped at bomb drop.

I'm considering once again to reach out to a family member of his. I'm back to feeling edgy and slightly panicked. He just doesn't seem to know right from wrong.

Today I texted him for about the tenth time about charges he has owed me for months and months, reimbursing me for our son's activity expenses. This guy makes more money in one month than I make in one year. He has not even paid me child support for five months! He has claimed that he has no savings, lectured me to save for retirement, complained that I have the home, and chastised me that he has paid me "thousands and thousands of dollars," as if there are not ongoing expenses etc. Like a thousand dollars can just last forever once you have received it.

Well, once again, he retaliated by deflecting, blaming me, etc. It was like a text exchange with a teenager. I take deep issue with anyone who says he is just being a jerk. He isn't being a jerk, or selfish, or any other description we could or would use for a neurotypical person. He doesn't know right from wrong.

I'm not only disturbed that he is so unwell, may be unsafe for our son to be around, but that our son could be influenced by this person's distorted worldview. I have often noticed that the expressions and even facial musculature of our son seem to change depending which home he is spending time in. I feel sometimes it takes a huge amount of effort just to overcome the animal mother instinct in response to this.

I feel so alone in all of this. As a mother, it is like having to coparent with like a distant relative you barely knew and didn't like of your former spouse, and even worse to see that reflected in your child's behavior and personality. Then on top of this I often feel self conscious that in some way I am not "moving on," according to a typical divorce narrative. Even my mom who is recently widowed to her husband of 45 years is doing better than I am!

If I look around, it seems to be that the outer world is a reflection of my own microcosm of a completely insane person being treated by everyone as if they are normal, have valid points, and should not be questioned. I truly wish sometimes I could time travel, find someone with real answers as to what is going on.
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Re: The Heart
#15: January 31, 2020, 07:06:02 PM
Can the court system garnish his wages for automatic deposit into your account?
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BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
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Re: The Heart
#16: January 31, 2020, 07:33:08 PM
I'm with FTT, seems like it's time to get the courts involved. That's your son's money, for his care and well being. Sometimes Mama Bear is exactly what's needed. But this is what the court deemed fair as well, so it's not like you're asking for anything. This is what you two are owed.


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"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

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Re: The Heart
#17: February 01, 2020, 06:48:00 AM
I feel for you, Velika.  I get what you say about feeling uneasy about your exH and having your son be exposed to him, possibly taking in your exH's behavior and worldview as normal.  It's hard to know what will happen.  I believe, though, that chances are good that your son - since he is smart and inquisitive - may want to take a more objective look at his childhood when he is an adult.  Also, we don't know what will happen when your son becomes a teenager.  He may rebel against his dad at that point.

It's unfortunate that your exH wants to share custody of your son at equal amounts.  I would keep a record of what he does that seems unacceptable, including what is being going on at his house (i.e. what your son tells you; also, for example, if you were talked about in a negative way in front of your son).  You may need this information in case you want to see in the future if you could fight for having more time with your son. 

I would also fight for the money that your exH owes you.  Him no longer paying you child support because he already paid you in the past also shows that his thinking is off.

As you wrote, your exH's behavior and reactions can put you in a state of shock.  You are very self-aware, which is great, and I can imagine that something can be done about it.  I have had a very good experience in general with accupuncture, and I wonder whether it could be effective with this as well, removing the state of shock and blockages from our body.  Remembering my experience with accupuncture just now makes me want to set up an appointment -- it was pretty amazing, I felt very balanced when I was in treatment.
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Me: 49 (43 at BD1)
H: 54 (48 at BD1)
D: 12 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, H moved abroad
August 2018: Received divorce papers in the mail unexpectedly
May 2019: H gave up his job and moved about 1.5 hours to where D12 and I live
Divorced: January 2020

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Re: The Heart
#18: February 14, 2020, 02:38:57 PM
Puzzled, thank you for your suggestion of acupuncture! That helped me a lot in the past as well, I hadn't been doing it for some time due to dizzy spells, but this might be a good time to attempt it again. It made me feel more grounded, too.

My ex is back to just ordering me around and being disrespectful a la post bomb drop and not unlike (IMHO) our current political situation. He just writes text messages like, "Whatever." Or recriminating, or ordering me around. I just don't think someone who had genuine self awareness would interact with someone this way.

I feel he is close to being unhinged again. I'm just not sure who to reach out to for help.

I feel I have taken some big leaps out of PTSD, but that itself is really hard. I myself acted totally out of character in many PTSD moments. I can see my ex is unwell, but I was so traumatized I wasn't thinking clearly at many moments either.
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Re: The Heart
#19: February 14, 2020, 02:55:09 PM
Acupuncture sounds like a good idea.

Go back to the PTSD basics, V.
Breathe. Limit contact more. Ignore. Rule of 3. Breathe. Reframe how you see him and what you expect eg self-awareness or normal adult courtesy. Try humour if you can like changing his ctc name to Bonkers so it diminishes him as a threat in your mind. Breathe a bit more.
Let your brain trust that a) he is still a dysfunctional person b) who is not your circus c) whose opinion of you is irrelevant d) and whose life is obviously not skittles and happy unicorns and e) who has already done his worst which you survived and f) can really only hurt you in your head now.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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