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Author Topic: My Story The Heart

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My Story The Heart
#30: June 28, 2020, 02:23:46 PM
It's hard for some people,  children included,  to think that Person B could treat Person A like they were a piece of trash to be thrown away, then Person A will just pretend it never happened and be ok with Person B if Person B starts to behaves nicely.  They don't always understand the difference between being civil and being friendly, and some don't even understand civility in this type of case. They get to feel like they feel. You can explain how you feel and why you choose to behave as you do, but they still get to feel how they feel.

Think about it, how hard must it be for a child to see one parent traumatize the other, being as cruel as they choose,  then have the traumatized parent say "OK, you damaged me so badly I could barely function, but you are being nice now. Oh, no problem. Let's all be happy now."  That would just be confusing. As a child, I would have then thought, "Wow, I can be as terrible as I want, and there will be no long term consequences if I'm just nice later." Definitely confusing.
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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Re: The Heart
#31: June 28, 2020, 03:51:43 PM
OffRoad, I’ve been writing about that all weekend offline. How, what is that, when we are civil after having been targeted or mistreated to the point of real traumatization? And how is that civility perceived or processed by the person who caused the harm, and how is it all perceived by others around us, especially our children, at any of the ages they are.

I’m not sure whether I arrived at any conclusions. I’m grateful for your words and perspective

Ditto on the sharing of other parent story here, too. For what it’s worth, I’m shattered again by h and D and I are both glad not to see him (maybe ever). But I get along fine with D’s dad, and have since I annulled that marriage after his (probably MLC) divorce action.

Quarantine has apparently meant that at transition days, her dad and I talk longer in the driveway, six feet apart. The other day, at drop off, my teen came back out of my house to run interference, and actively interrupted us to say in no uncertain terms that we had been talking a long time and she didn’t feel comfortable with it at all.

I don’t notice that it is any different from any other time or year. He is paying our rent (which he does owe me) and is vested in things being ok at this house. He had at least one diagnosed psychiatric event that required court intervention and custody revision several years ago, so. I don’t mind the driveway conversations, because I am vested in things being ok at his house too.

I can’t really go into those details with D, I don’t think. Or, I don’t know how I would. Just, as long as children have unsupervised time with their other parent, I think it’s in everyone’s best interests to be civil and where possible, also enough informed.

Now is such a weird time in our collective history. I don’t know when it will end. It’s forever changed certain aspects of life, though, and — unexpectedly, “unconventional upbringing and many lessons over the years” have made it easier for my house too.

;) I still would have had all of it be different, if I could, especially for the kids. But I’ll also take whatever good I can get, at this time, and be content.

Here’s to silver linings! HUGS.

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The Heart
#32: July 26, 2020, 11:12:06 PM
I am finally catching up on this response, thank you! OR, I so often think of something you once wrote, which is that you had reached the point where you genuinely wanted everyone involved in your story to be okay.

So yes, I 100 percent agree with you re. my son. "Luckily" part of my trauma reaction was a level of disclosure, discussion, and transparency that would probably make a therapist scream into a pillow, but which counter-intuitively I think helped our son process it a lot. He is really articulate and emotionally sophisticated, but he is also beyond this I would say very balanced and emotionally healthy, even with everything that happened. I'm hoping that as I navigate whatever this phase is, he can also benefit from the nuances of forgiveness, change, and acceptance, as well as learn to hold some of the mixed emotions that come with this.

To be honest, I think if he can find a way to balance all of this together, the very complexity of human life, emotion, and journey, I think that is a real gift. It seems like we are headed to a landscape where this is an important skill. I.e. I don't think the future we are heading into is what I thought his future would be like, or anyone's, so the reference points and consequence of what happened with his dad have changed considerably in many ways, for me at least.

In general I am appreciating a lot the more amicable tone of our conversation and text message with my now ex. It is a relief to feel like I am not always on my own as a parent. I'm also grateful that despite the insanity, the way his dad treated me, and the real risks that came with having him care for our son during certain crazy moment/month/years, my son has a close relationship with his dad. I can see how this is good for me, too.

My general impression is that my ex seems calmer and yet at the same of time kind of like a distracted grandpa. I even shared with him that I had PTSD and he apologized for the trauma. He even told me, "You are too hard on yourself." If you have followed my entire thread, this is a person who was telling me and others that I was the most vindictive person he has ever met. If you are currently in this same boat, please, I hope you will read these words and see that whatever your spouse is saying, they are very likely not things they would agree with later. The best thing you can do is to stay far away and not engage. If you feel you need to defend whatever terrible thing they are saying about you, focus on this in therapy when it makes sense and feels safe. I think this is where you will find some real honest healing.

People here often wonder, "Is the OW going to end up with a better version of your ex?" I asked myself this often. I think in this case, and I'm saying this ONLY as someone who is detached from the outcome, it is possible, yes. I.e. I do not think my ex is going to cheat on her with a sex worker while she raises their young children by herself, then suddenly abandon here. However, he is not the kind of partner I would want, and I still fully believe he could completely go off the deep end.
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