Author Topic: My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?  (Read 2557 times)

Offline Finding Joy

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My Story Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #10 on: January 10, 2020, 06:51:53 PM »
Goodness!  How on earth to they just forget blocks of time!  Especially important ones.  You are really rolling with the punches SS!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing StrongTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #11 on: January 10, 2020, 10:26:12 PM »
She's passed out again..... we watched a couple shows ending with "rub my back". So very spoiled.

I could be wrong, but I think there are two personalities in play at the moment (which are variations of the same person, not drastically different.... which makes it very hard to spot).
The first is what could be called "prisoner", and this is the kind, sweet, loving and affectionate W that I so dearly love. This is the one who called me those three days and told me the wonderful things she did. This is the one who wants to (really) try.

The other one, is the personality that seems to be here almost all the time. While this one is much better than Shark-Eyes, now that I know what I'm looking for...... this "person" is absolutely related. This one tolerates me: I'm not the enemy....... but I'm not really interesting, funny, exciting, or attractive to "her". I'm useful. I don't cause problems...... I'm safe.

I could be wrong...... but I'm really noticing the timid and sad personality who is here so little, and then the somewhat overbearing one who is here all the time (who seems to only really care about herself). I think maybe her time away is what gave me the break needed to be able to separate and recognize them.
Very interesting.
I also notice that they switch as needed.... so if I'm pulling away, or there's some perceived need to appease me.... out pops my W (or maybe it's her building up strength?)..... and the rest of the time.... there's no need to try, and the self-centered W is in full control...... mulling away at whatever is going on up top.
This also strikes me.... as W pops out, I get the feeling she knows what's going on.... and she's there to make sure I don't get away (although I'm not going anywhere)...... but it seems like "Distant W" is not aware of her at all.

Hmmmmm..... interesting. I will be watching to see of my observations holds water..... but I think it does.
I had thought she was down to a single personality but with a lot of confusion and sporadic emotions..... maybe that is the case, but I'm starting to think otherwise.
If the "distant W" personality is real, then I could totally see this as a protection mechanism. Protecting against what I'm not sure, but it fits. The other personality.... oh yes, that's W.... I recognize her..... but she is weak, oh so weak.

I wonder if Shocks would chime in and tell me if this strikes a chord with her.
There is something to learn here.... I'm just not quite sure what it is...... but my instincts say yes.

One Day at a time.... one night at a time (LOL),

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Online marvin4242

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #12 on: January 11, 2020, 06:05:14 AM »
SS: I wanted to share that one of the interesting things I saw in my wife was that she not only could switch between different emotional states (what I would call the old connected wife I know and the new detached/disassociated teenager state), but that sometimes I could even see that she existed simultaneous in both states. The interesting thing to note is that usually people can move between emotional states, disassociate and find their way back. But it is less common to see facets of both states at the same time. I do not mean even switching between them within a few minutes (which I also saw) but fragments of both at the same time.

That is why I use the term “fractured” when I tend to refer to the psyche of someone in MLC. I can not imagine what its like to exist in such a state.

Hang in there, but as always try not to focus too much in minute to minute analysis. That is mainly for you to be able to stay the course long term and not get burned out by the cycling and rapid shifts.

Offline Standing StrongTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #13 on: January 11, 2020, 07:22:13 AM »
That is a really good way of looking at it Marvin... thank you.

Hmmmm, I will be on the lookout to see if it isn't two personalities switching and if they are intermingled instead..... that is a possibility.

Fractured... yes, a very good and accurate way of putting it.  :D

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Online Treasur

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #14 on: January 11, 2020, 07:38:12 AM »
MBIB has added a lot to my understanding of disassociated 'personas' and the link to trauma. Looking back - bc I couldn't see it at the time bc I was too emotional and shocked - I saw my former h behave like a frightened child of about 5, an angry teenager of about 15 came out more over time, as well as a fake formal 'business' kind of mask full of fake logic and weird pompous language. I never saw them co-exist. I did see him gradually morph from one to another. And I saw something which was kind of blank...like a 'does not compute' version...that seemed as if it was waiting to know what to be, which usually morphed into the angry teenager.

I know enough about my xh's early life history to know why 5 and 15 might be relevant in him. Perhaps the same is true for your w, Standing? But as Marvin says, observing without watching will save your energy.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Standing StrongTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #15 on: January 12, 2020, 03:39:57 AM »
Hey Hey...... tonight was an R talk!!!! It's been a while since I had one of these.

W did not go to church tonight.... no surprise, but it was still a nice day. I was driving home from the gym right before mid-day, and I get a call from W asking if I wanted to attend a basketball game for my niece... well of course I do. So we run down there.... watch the game (we lost so bad..... LOL). She sorta talked to me, and then pushed away. I got her food which she scarfed down. Towards the end of the game she talked about "A migraine coming on". Uh huh. I've heard this before when it started to get close to church time and she'd say she'd go. I didn't mention anything about it, I'm not going to guilt anyone into going to church.... you either go because you want to, or not. The end.

We got home, I made us dinner and then I went to church alone. It was a good service.
I got home and got ready for bed. Climbed in and she put in a movie to watch (The Craft..... a movie from our teens that we both liked.... this was after finding the Disney movie she wanted has been removed from Netflix.... LOL). So we watch that, and I'm about to turn in....... "You've been quiet all day"...... ah ha, oh really (I hadn't)...... I'm not surprised. So we talk for the next three hours. Her not knowing what to say and needing me to talk and talk to get the ball rolling (safety and ice-breaker). She literally can't start the conversation, nor add anything for a long time.
I tell stories about family, and then she wants me to talk about what I believe (in life and generally).

Eventually we get on the subject of life..... and I'm very gentle and not judgmental. She once again talks about the Shark-Eyes period in that it was just an emotion-heavy time..... and that I freaked out and couldn't handle her emotions. Oh really? This was my opportunity to do some poking and stirring. So I explored the topic of memory loss. We skimmed the surface and then went deep. Initially she didn't believe she had any memory loss... and I gave some examples...... she couldn't explain it, but did go into great detail about what happens to her when she has deep emotion: She can't remember what she does or says. What?!!?!?! She says "ask my mom, when I was a kid I'd fly into a black rage, be terrible, say terrible things and mentally black out...... when I came too.... no memory of what I said or did". Um.... what?!?!? No one had ever told me this. I've never seen this in 23 years (until MLC) She says "You are seeing this part of me that I had tucked away and never shown you. You put me on such a pedestal, and I wanted you too..... it's not your fault. You thought I was a certain way, and I knew that's what you wanted me to be.... so I was". Um..... what? If this is true (maybe), this is some kind of..... what is that? That's a serious mental issue. What a nasty problem to be revealed by MLC. I only knew of her trauma..... not that there was a totally different problem from before her teens.

Then we talk about the different personalities after BD because she claims I freaked out at the 1st sign of "emotion"...... I don't call it BD or mention that she broke, or MLC (she makes it sound so normal... "I showed some emotion [anger] and you freaked out..... told IC that I was depressed")....... so to get the party started, I point to memory loss examples. I thought this would surprise her, but no.... it didn't: "That makes complete sense to me. I've compartmentalized my feelings and the personalities that go along with the emotions. All my boxes opened at the same time and you got to see them for the 1st time (she says this so matter-of-factly)". She says when she's mad (and that I had only seen her irritated before, never mad) she intentionally hurts people (and blacks out - no memory). It made sense to her that the "boxes" don't interact with one another, are not aware of one another, and share no memories..... therefore it is not actual memory loss.... just a lack of connection between boxes, and there's nothing wrong with that.  :o She had no empathy for causing any hurt, no compassion for anything she may have said: The only wrong was being hurt by her "emotions", which evidently exist without any consequences whatsoever. As this temper-tantrum behavior was last dealt with when she was very young (5-8ish), I now understand better some of these "Faces" I've observed in the past. This one is completely immature, and only knows it's own needs. It is a child. So what trauma caused her to get stuck at this point in life????? I only know about her early teens. This is new and very troubling.

She then draws me a visual aid..... it is a representation of her emotions and how they have "always" been: It's a giant scribble. "That is my emotions...... I don't understand them". Ah ha! Now I have something. It is the way her emotions are now, but she can't remember anything else, so it must be the same way "always".... but I get to see what they are now: A giant mess. I'm keeping that paper for myself.

She talks about expectations and trying to make everyone happy, a minor pity party comes out with tears (very lite compared to the past ones), alludes to not knowing what she wants from life (including me),questions all her life choices, worries about getting old, how broken she is, how she is broken as a W...... eventually she tires, and we go to sleep.

Proof that even with progress, they not only need to have the pot stirred......they want it stirred. She begin it. She pursued it. She kept going...... and I had to ride it out until she stopped. When it was over, she was asleep within 3 min. Emotionally spent.

I didn't try to win a conversation, or prove any point. It was all exploratory for her benefit and mine. No judgement..... and I was able to release some hurt that I had. The resulting explanations were fascinating. There is absolutely a "distant W" personality, and it was aware of the "prisoner" phone call while she was away at her mom's. She couldn't explain the emotions that came during that call beyond her scribble of emotion AND that compartmentalization box being open at that time. It would appear this "distant W" personality is "her" with all the compartmentalization boxes closed (ah ha...... now THAT makes sense: This stand-offish, void personality.... which also seems to open boxes randomly or at will). She warned me that the angry box is still in there, and I said "yes, I know it is". She explained she is trying to learn how to not have any boxes, that is the goal.... and she doesn't know how to do this.

What a night.

One day at a time,

-SS 
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #16 on: January 12, 2020, 09:39:55 AM »
Well, she seems very self aware.  As far is understanding she compartmentalizes.  She also seems to be going much deeper into the tunnel.  You are really good at navigating this!  I would have had some strong words.

She is still turning to you, so it seems like a win.  Though, it is interesting that she may have some sort of other ongoing issues.  She may in fact be able to work through those during her MLC.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing StrongTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #17 on: January 12, 2020, 10:48:25 PM »
Journaling:

Arragh!!! I missed the gym today!!! Curses!!!!  ;)
Diet was not great either  >:(

But in other news....... I went and had lunch with a friend (bad diet meal)..... gave me a sick stomach to eat "real food".  :P That'll teach me.

W wanted to do something together (nice) and we ended up going to Target and shopping. It was really nice. We talked.... it felt.... normal. Afterwards, instead of going home, she drove to Grandma's house to see her and my mom. That was really nice. Also pretty normal. I really like seeing her trying to reintegrate. She laughed, talked, had empathy. She put on Christian music the whole way back  8)

I made dinner (she liked it)..... then we watched some funny shows together and had a great time..... and I rubbed her legs and feet for a long time (she really liked that). No expectations, no innuendo, no nothing..... but I can hope.... HAHAHAHHAHAAH!!!! Finally I got tired and tried to go to sleep..... W turns off the tv..... and I'm wondering if she'll get close, or just something. After a few min, I hear her phone buzz..... and the texting is on.  >:( Really? Are we back to that? Only now with me in the sack with her? You know positive is normally followed by negative and vise-versa. So I lay there for half an hour and got up (I moved and fidgeted just to make sure she knew I was awake). Better to do something I like than sit there and monkey-brain. I realize that I have insecurities to work on, and how easy it is to forget that when something good happens, it doesn't go on forever.... no matter how much we want it to.
 
We can only control ourselves and our reactions.

Looking forward to dieting and working out tomorrow: washboard abs you will be mine.

One day at a time,

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #18 on: January 13, 2020, 07:56:10 AM »
SS, I’m so sorry the Roller Coaster is so extreme.  I do think sometimes we assume the worst because our trust has been broken.  On the other hand when MLC is involved those assumptions do tend to be on point. 

I noticed a couple of misspelled words on my posts above.  I typically post on my phone while waiting on kids in the car.  Is should be as.  Further down to should be do.

Anyways, I hope you have a wonderful day!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing StrongTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #19 on: January 13, 2020, 08:19:39 AM »
Thank you FJ  :)

I hope you have a wonderful day too.

Oh.... here was something interesting that I learned at my last IC: They were talking about depression and what happens in homes where a spouse is depressed (one depressed, one not). According to my IC they have done studies where you'd assume one person helps the depressed person be more "normal" (one person "moves" the depressed person by rubbing off on them). Turns out the opposite typically happens....... the "normal" person begins moving towards depression themselves, not the other way around. Very interesting..... and it lines up with what it talked about here and what people report experiencing in their lives..... how difficult it is, how they get dragged down, etc.
Anyway, just an interesting tidbit.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

 

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