Author Topic: My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?  (Read 2561 times)

Offline Finding Joy

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My Story Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #30 on: January 14, 2020, 08:55:27 AM »
I was thinking about my own situation.  When my MLCer got back from deployment and left me to deal with more than I could.  Had we not had young children, had I not had so much on my plate.  Had I myself been in a better place emotionally after a deployment in which my husband stopped contacting me and became distant and cold.  The questions in my mind about infidelity.

The best I could do was take on all of the extra responsibility and try my best to make it through.  I guess what I’m saying is.  We all have different situations, what we can handle. 

In my case bd happened shortly after moving to a new state, no support, young kids, no job.  Fear set in.  How will I feed my kids?  Where will we live?  Is he going to kill me in my sleep?  Do I want the kids exposed to his crazy behavior?  Will he lose his job? 

So from my perspective we all have some similarities, but also extreme differences.  Am I less of a Wife if the man who is cheating on me, abandoned me, been vile to me and neglected our children for years is not what I chose?  He has walked away from his faith and does not want me.  Is that not his choice?

Don’t get me wrong, I have tried my best to find sacrificial love and am doing my best to wait out his crises, but ultimately if he were home, if he were not cheating, if I had not been afraid for my physical safety, if he had not said horrible things to me that broke me, if he had not abandoned his kids, if he were not planning a divorce that will cause us hardship, I know I would have a different perspective.  I know because that was my first two years before bd.  I would have waited years.

I also think it is extremely difficult to have a wallower live in type situation.  I wouldn’t want that either.  There are definitely shades of betrayal, red lines, things they do that sometimes results in the LBS needing to respect themselves enough to keep their distance, protect themselves.

I know personally I had to completely detach for a period or I was going to have a mental crises of my own.  My kids needed me.  I had to let him go for their sake.  Once I was healthier, once I was through the worst of my own turmoil I was able to have more grace and compassion for him. 


« Last Edit: January 14, 2020, 08:59:16 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #31 on: January 14, 2020, 09:04:57 AM »
I was also thinking a Wallower situation is more “death by a thousand cuts”.  Where as the ones who abandon, monster etc tend to leave a deep wound early on.  Different situations, but both incredibly difficult to navigate.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Treasur

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #32 on: January 14, 2020, 10:28:05 AM »
That's very interesting, Alvin, what your overview of the 'class of 2019' looks like. My 'most LBS' tbh was based on a broad sense of all the posts I have read since joining HS, including those whose posts are from years ago and now archived. I wonder what the same analysis might look like over a longer period or bigger group...if you have time on your hands lol.

I suppose were I being picky, I would say that Standing's situation is still on the minority side of those criteria based on your own figures of 2019.

But that was not the point I was trying to make and obviously made very poorly.
As FJ says better, we each handle what we can but what we handle may be different.
I think I just feel uncomfortable with an exhortation to self-sacrifice more or to love harder for many LBS who tend to start there anyway while being blamed or abused or threatened by an MLC spouse.


T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #33 on: January 14, 2020, 05:54:32 PM »
FJ,

Death by a thousand cuts is precisely how it feels.

The MLCer treats you like a chair, or a piece of furniture, you have function but no meaning or significance.

Why would we ever treat others that way when we all know how much that hurts. No ones journey or experience is right or wrong, or any more or less valid based on how they approached an impossible situation.

The end of my story, of your story, of everyone on this boards story is not yet written.

Did those of us interacting trade small short term gains for long term “wins”?  Who knows?

I would like to see as much compassion for each other as we are trying to extend to MLCers.

Anywho....just my 2cents.
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #34 on: January 14, 2020, 06:47:17 PM »
SS,

I asked god why he gave H parts....

He said because he must learn to communicate.

Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Online trusting

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #35 on: January 14, 2020, 08:20:18 PM »
Quote
Death by a thousand cuts is precisely how it feels.

The MLCer treats you like a chair, or a piece of furniture, you have function but no meaning or significance.

Yes.  It is brutal.  Mine was a live in for years.  Not one speck of fun in that.

I do know that all of those things I tried to pull my H closer while he was in MLC did the opposite.  He did not want anything relationship-y from me.  At all.  At ALL.  All I got for my efforts were monster, gaslighting, cruelty.  I stopped, backed waaaaay off.  They did not change or shorten his crisis in any way.  I did continue to treat him with kindness and be welcoming when he was around.  Now that he is pretty well un-crisised, I can't say whether that made a difference or not as I haven't heard anything in that regards from the horse's mouth, but I do know I seem to be his go-to person now for venting about frustrations, advice, someone to lean on.  We are reconnecting and rebuilding a relationship.  Again, no idea if it has anything to do with how I treated him during his crisis, whether he would be reconnecting with us anyway.  I do know I had to try to love him unconditionally to be true to the kind of person I want to be.

Online AlvinTheMaker

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #36 on: January 16, 2020, 07:52:22 AM »
That's very interesting, Alvin, what your overview of the 'class of 2019' looks like. My 'most LBS' tbh was based on a broad sense of all the posts I have read since joining HS, including those whose posts are from years ago and now archived. I wonder what the same analysis might look like over a longer period or bigger group...if you have time on your hands lol.

Time is the gift we all are given, LOL.

I already do have a "limited" overview that covers top 350 posters  here (which equals roughly 90% what's been posted on these forums)

* 83% of top LBS here are women
Maybe 2019 is exceptional year with roughly 50/50 split between genders.  Or maybe it is long-term effect that men drop more easily (relationship books suggest that men move onwards more easily over time)...  Maybe when I look of the numbers of class of 2019 in few years time, they will align better with "general" picture.

* Average / median age with top LBS is 49 (and with top100 it's few years higher)
Again, me and standing are bit younger than average.   Maybe it too affects how we approach this...
But above all,  generation affects a whole lot with how people think.  Me, Standing and most the class of 2019 were born in 1970s (usually on the latter half).  Many of the veterans were born in 1960s. It may not sound much of a difference, but it does a world of difference we think, behave etc.  We all are by-products of our era.

* Most common MLC-LBS situation involves 2 offsprings  (and 1/10 does not have children at all like you or Standing, and only 1% has 5 children or  more like me.  Often times kids of LBSr are either (young) adults or teenagers, or mix of these two.

* 71% are/were dealing with physical affair, 6% have got emotional affair (I'm on that boat),  and the rest don't  simply know, suspect an affair, or trust there is none.

So yes, if looking from "big picture" perspective of top posters,  both me and Standing are not the most common kind, but we are not unique neither, and above all, we are somewhat average for the class of 2019 (and I have got a gut feeling more of people like us two will come in 2020 and beyond).

As for more detailed statistics...   They will come over time (consider it as my way of giving back to this community; I'm a fairly well-skilled data-analyst so I have got access to tools and methods to do this kinds of stuff). 

Alvin. 
« Last Edit: January 16, 2020, 07:56:26 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** “Rivers know this: There is no hurry, we shall get there some day.” ***
**** Security is mostly a superstition...Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. ****

Offline TDurden

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #37 on: January 16, 2020, 08:07:26 AM »
If I may, I think the upswing in male participation comes from a change in perception. 

It was easy to write it off as "eh, she went crazy" and move on with life as an angrier person.  As mental wellness becomes more mainstream, men are now "allowed" to look deeper than the symptoms on the surface and understand what is actually happening, and act accordingly.  Very few of my friends or family understand why I would even consider standing.  While they won't outright say it, it is implied that I should "man up" leave her in the past.  They can't grasp the strength it takes to stand.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #38 on: January 16, 2020, 08:28:15 AM »
Alvin,

You may find this interesting.  It's archived now but it was a survey taken a few years ago.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7415.0
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online AlvinTheMaker

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #39 on: January 16, 2020, 09:21:41 AM »
If I may, I think the upswing in male participation comes from a change in perception. 

It was easy to write it off as "eh, she went crazy" and move on with life as an angrier person.  As mental wellness becomes more mainstream, men are now "allowed" to look deeper than the symptoms on the surface and understand what is actually happening, and act accordingly.  Very few of my friends or family understand why I would even consider standing.  While they won't outright say it, it is implied that I should "man up" leave her in the past.  They can't grasp the strength it takes to stand.

Yep, it's a generation thingie...  For example my parents as well as lot of my family did not understood why W and I were not married under eyes of god, or the fact that none of kids were babtized.  Roll onwards 20 years and it has become "totally unacceptable".   Times they are a changing, but it always takes random brave souls to make the path for others to follow.


Alvin,

You may find this interesting.  It's archived now but it was a survey taken a few years ago.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7415.0

Thanks for sharing Thunder...   For my statistical sample (of 350) the overall MLCr medium/average age is/was 47.  About one year difference between sexes (females entering bit earlier on average).  So more or less the same direction with the survey.

Alvin.

PS. And my apologies for StandingStrong from hi-jacking your story... I'll make a separate topic of my analysis WHEN I have enough data. I can already say it will be a very long process before I have got anything genuinely "worthy" stuff to share.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2020, 09:24:15 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** “Rivers know this: There is no hurry, we shall get there some day.” ***
**** Security is mostly a superstition...Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. ****

 

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