Author Topic: My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?  (Read 4015 times)

Offline Helpingme!

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My Story Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #60 on: January 24, 2020, 03:43:02 AM »
SS
My W is the same. Slowly getting back to her old self. But she was always prepared. Planned things out. Yes, she finished everything she started.
She has said Many times during this mess, she always tried to be perfect. It was never good enough. She would just say that outloud .
But she went from being woman that would clean the dust from cracks with a toothbrush when she washed her car, to washing just half of it and walking off. I think it's a mixture of them getting to a stage of they just don't give a $h!t and their mind doesn't stay focused ver long. Just my little simple opinion. 

Offline Thunder

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #61 on: January 24, 2020, 07:35:10 AM »
Standing, I think it's a great idea for you to plan a fun trip for yourself, but don't do it just to make her jealous or worried...or to get her attention.

Just go to have fun and relax a bit.

Be careful – manipulating other people’s emotions is not easy, and it can often backfire. If your w senses that you are somehow scheming to make her jealous, or worried, it may remind her of negative aspects (in her head) of your past relationship which led to her lose feelings for you. You don’t want that. So tread carefully.

The good news is that there are some good ways to focus on yourself, have fun, and make your own life better, and all those things work very well to make your w jealous or worried, too. 

"Wow look how much fun he is having without me, I wish I had gone with him."
Not  "I'm worried, why is he having so much fun without me?"

One could have a negative effect...anger, one could have a positive effect, next time I'll go with him.
Jmo

Have a nice day, Standing.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online marvin4242

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #62 on: January 24, 2020, 08:34:30 AM »
SS: I remember my first trip after BD alone, after traveling most of the time for vacations and fun trips with wife. I remember in the overnight flight at one point I just pulled the cover over my head and cried at some point. It was cathartic and it was part of it. So yes plan, have fun and go and let the feeling come and there will sadness and loss.

But like you I also noticed on the trip itself that I was actually having more fun in some ways. Sure I missed my wife and doing things together, but not having to adjust to another person, plan together, accommodate had its own advantages. And in my case I had not been registering how for the past couple of years before BD my wife was more and more negative and it was actually coloring my experience of our trips. Going alone i was oddly calm and actually having more fun.

It will be interesting to see what your experience is. But as others are saying so well: do it all for you, no intent or agenda.

Offline Standing StrongTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #63 on: January 25, 2020, 03:22:58 PM »
Oh no T, it's not to make her jealous....... it was just a pondering. This is for me, nothing more  8)

Journaling:

I noticed something interesting..... could be nothing. Probably nothing.
A few months back she got a perm to put some frizz in her hair. Said she was tired of it taking so long to style (very straight hair, but absolutely beautiful hair). I was like "great, sounds good" (I like variety), and she did. It looked good, she was happy to not spend so much time on it. Before we met or were together she also had a perm. At the time I was wondering "Hmmmm is this part of going into the past?", but didn't give it too much thought.... it was her choice, and whatever she wants to do is fine with me.
Fast forward to a couple days ago...... and she's straightening her hair with a curling iron...... and putting it into braids..... a couple days later, straightening it and styling it in the "regular" way. Huh.... that's interesting. Not a big deal, not any deal....... just different. She wants to know what I like best (I like it all). So, for the moment..... it's straight again, but she wants another perm. Well, whatever you want sweety. Knock yourself out. LOL!!!!!


Today we setup the security system I got her for Christmas. She seemed to like it, and we were able to do it together  ;D
Afterward, she was done..... alone time!!! In the MBR watching Charmed and learning Spanish now.  ::) It's all good.
I hope she feels safer: a safe home is important..... especially to MLC'ers (IMO).

I started reading a book called "When a woman you love was abused" by Dawn Scott Jones. Only about a fourth of the way thru so far, but it's very interesting. Hope to be thru it tonight (tomorrow at the latest). So many behaviors listed that exist in my W....... talks about the inability of women who go thru this can't talk about (or even admit to themselves) how they are impacted and how everything is a coping behavior. Very nice to put so much into context, and perhaps.... perhaps.... understand a little better (or empathize), although we can't really talk about it...... I will be silent, and give the right support when she reaches out for it. Something that stood out to me is that sexual abuse survivor views their life as serving others and feel like they don't know who they are (and that they wear masks). There's going to be a lot over overlap between MLC and her processing of her past (obviously, they are intertwined). Well, we know MLC isn't straightforward and every case is unique. Bring on the complexity.

One day at a time,

-SS
   
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline lawprofessor

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #64 on: January 25, 2020, 04:00:51 PM »
Just an FYI for the men here.

A woman that gets a perm might get angry if her fella accidentally says frizz rather than curls! 

To simplify,
Curls good.
Frizz bad.
 ;) :D
Lp
if people won’t listen to you, there’s no point in talking to people. If they won’t listen, you’re just banging your head against a wall.

Sadly Ive used up all the time I had allotted to spend banging my head on the wall

Offline Standing StrongTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #65 on: January 25, 2020, 04:53:18 PM »
Just an FYI for the men here.

A woman that gets a perm might get angry if her fella accidentally says frizz rather than curls! 

To simplify,
Curls good.
Frizz bad.
 ;) :D
Lp

Awww crap..... and it looks frizzy to me. Curls..... waves...... com'on SS!!!! Get with the program.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Standing StrongTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #66 on: January 26, 2020, 12:39:12 AM »
Well I finished that book....... it was very good, with a real crap ending.
So much overlaps with what is taught in MLC...... well, maybe if the MLC'er has past FOO/Sex issues anyway. Lots of overlap...... some of the things she describes makes me think she MLC'ed.

Good book.... oh right, the crap ending: 27 year M, *BANG* down the toilet. Her H gave up. She doesn't say how long what could have been an MLC lasted (sounds like years and years).... only that she was normal and then reached a breaking point, projected her pain on her H, treated him terribly while she "healed", and in the end he quit (it sounds like he gave a really good go at it). Then she remarried within two years and is happy as a clam. Almost sounds like she even blamed him for giving up as he "abandoned her" and yet she considered both of them victims of her past.

Fascinating if it was MLC in the end, and to see her thought process on the whole thing.
I see a twisted logic to it (as I have seen in other ex-W-MLC'ers that I've personally talked to), and it almost seems like his giving up spurred her to heal/bake. Of course she didn't go back to him, instead "I'm all healed, time to shack up with someone who has paid nothing, done nothing, sacrificed nothing" (Hmmmmm, I guess that's a trigger for me  :P ).

I did find it interesting that she says H's have a huge ability to help a woman going thru what she did, and that I agree with.
One book down, two more on the way.

One book at a time,  ;)

-SS 
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline AlvinTheMaker

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #67 on: January 26, 2020, 11:03:28 PM »
I did find it interesting that she says H's have a huge ability to help a woman going thru what she did, and that I agree with.

Curios - what was in her opinion the key lesson her H succeeded/failed (apart of quitting)?

Alvin.
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

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Offline Standing StrongTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #68 on: January 27, 2020, 05:44:47 AM »
I did find it interesting that she says H's have a huge ability to help a woman going thru what she did, and that I agree with.

Curios - what was in her opinion the key lesson her H succeeded/failed (apart of quitting)?

Alvin.


From her point of view, he took lots of hits that she wrongfully dished out (now that she understands what she was doing). In that way he gave a lot of support and was patient with her. He failed in her eyes by not being empathetic enough in the right areas that she needed and also hurt her by expressing "why can't you get over this?". 

There is a short letter from this man toward the end of the book, and he straight up says (for him) zero sex and nonstop rejection made him throw in the towel. If there had been some give in that area, he'd have stuck it thru. He just got to a place where he believed she would never be better and I'm sure resentment just took over.

She doesn't talk about him much thru the book, but the tone I get is that she wishes it would have worked out and that she knows how bad she was towards him...... but that also it was a function of her recovery and absolutely the most important thing to her is/was personal healing. This rang a lot of bells for me with how the MLC'er/ex-MLC'er feels after MLC: They did what they did, and care most that they came thru their ordeal...... not the casualties. She talks a lot about "masks" and the "inner child", which is a dead ringer for a lot of what we see with MLC'ers (IMO). In her case, she didn't leave the home, didn't want a D (although she admitted saying a lot of very hurtful things by way of projection), and was "abandoned" when her H threw in the towel.

In her opinion, the healing (MLC) starts naturally at some point when they have a moment with an extreme break (I think she's describing BD without knowledge of MLC) and that his happens at a time which is not chosen by the W. This process last years (or as long as it takes from her POV). She describes lost emotions and memories which require lots of time to mentally/emotionally sort out and requires the W to choose to heal (no choice to heal and there's no healing) and all the "boxes" in her head had to be rummaged thru, sorted, and a new personality meshed together and emerge (once she totally faced her past).

Interesting book. Certainly helped me understand better what it could be like from W's point of view.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Online Treasur

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 7: The is it real or is it Memorex?
« Reply #69 on: January 27, 2020, 06:20:41 AM »
Interesting, Standing.
Did she show much empathy for how difficult it must have been for her h then based on his experience and the limits of what he could possibly have known at the time? Or indeed did the h's letter show much empathy for her experience or limited understanding of what was happening to her?

Did you get a sense of how many years had elapsed between her version of BD and when she wrote the book? My suspicion is that a bit of Me Me and some still impaired empathy is probably there even as people recover or even reconcile, maybe for both MLCer and LBS actually. Probably takes longer than we think to heal through all of the shared broken bits as well as the individual bits.
« Last Edit: January 27, 2020, 06:24:51 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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