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Author Topic: My Story My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!

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My Story My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
OP: January 09, 2020, 03:24:51 PM
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11185.0

There are still tears, but mostly good days!  Still an Iffer, but hoping for Reconciliation at some point.

A few small observations.  My h has been single for a few months now.  During this time he has slowly grown towards the children and is polite to me.

On Tuesday he was in the house for 2 1/2 hours with the kids and he looked at my chest at least 3 times, so I’m thinking single life is not currently resulting in his “needs” being met. 

He texted to ask if I wanted a treadmill today.  His friend an hour away is getting rid of it.  We will see if he makes the drive which would be 2 hours total, but he did offer.

Also, he is going to Coach s12 b-ball.  So that is good.  He used to be all about coaching the kids sports.  So positive movement.

I just got the PBS channel for the month and am going to watch Period Dramas(my favorite) this evening and do laundry!  Uhm, the best kind of night! 

He did take the tree away the other evening, but it was interesting to watch.  He lost his patience getting the screws from the stand off, I offered to finish unscrewing it and it was fine.  He has no patience at all.  Still, I’m thankful he helps out some.
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« Last Edit: January 09, 2020, 03:26:53 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

S
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#1: January 09, 2020, 05:01:37 PM
Finding -
So happy that your H is spending time at the house, and doing things for you.
I'm sure that he's missing your physical relationship.
Remember, they return to the animals, kids then home before they reconnect with you.

Keep doing what you're doing.
It seems to be working for you.

Sea
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Seahorses have one mate for life...

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#2: January 09, 2020, 08:19:07 PM
HHAHAHAHAHAHAH, he looked at your chest at least three times....... that means he looked at your chest at least six times... most likely more like ten.


This is good  ;D

One step at a time, right FJ?

Attaching.

-SS
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W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

F
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#3: January 10, 2020, 09:49:34 AM
Hi Sea and SS!  It made me laugh too SS!

Journaling-Today is d14’s 15th Birthday.  She is the most like my h, rather than process her grief, she avoids it.  She won’t let anyone in.  So I am concerned she will repeat her father and grandmothers behavior if she avoids working through her issues. 

So my h for the last couple of months will text her he loves her, but she never responds.  Today he texts me asking when is a good time to call to wish her a Happy Birthday. I asked her and she said I won’t answer.  I text him to go ahead and call anytime, but she does not intend to answer.

He said, I don’t understand that, I am still her father.  I said, that is true, but actions have consequences and you raised her to have a certain set of values that you are no longer living by. 

I told him she feels like he has not been a father to her since before the deployment.  He said, no matter what happens, I will always be there for her.  I said, I hope you will, but the reality is you can only be there to a certain extent as we will not likely live near you unless we reconcile.

The place I am considering is four hours from where he is likely to be stationed for three years.  We will be closer to my family and can live a better quality of life there.  Still 1 1/2 years before that move.

Anyways, I’m glad he cares more and more.  He needs to actually realize that he in fact will likely live at least four hours from his kids if he follows through with this, and that is while he is stationed in TX, every other duty station is at least a 12 hour drive.

So at best once a month visits.  Anyways, I think he believes eventually everything will be fine between him and his kids.  The truth is, unless they live with him, they will hardly know him because of the distance.  He’s not exactly a Dad that calls to tuck them in bed each night.


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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#4: January 10, 2020, 10:20:57 AM
My word, FJ, you dealt with that well. Respecting your daughters right to feel how she feels and just calmly saying how it is to your h. It's funny but I think they see Father as a job title in some way, and rather more about what they are owed than what they give perhaps. When of course it is a relationship not a role, as all great LBS parents know all too well, built in all the small moments of life. When I remember my dad now, often it is the smallest moments that are most vivid....working in the garden together, a chocolate cake made for his birthday, him showing me how to change a tyre or teaching me to swim, jokes and little shared traditions. Lots and lots of small moments.

I guess your h will have to work out what kind of Father he wants to be....
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#5: January 10, 2020, 10:29:35 AM
Very well done..... kind, yet firm. Some reality for him to chew on too.

I think small pokes that that are very good for the MLC'er. Not too much, but not too weak. He can mull it over and hopefully think.

-SS
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W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

F
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#6: January 10, 2020, 05:19:40 PM
Treasur- So true!  He is missing out on their lives in most ways.  The everyday events are where the little things happen!

SS-I’m taking a different approach than this forum suggests.  I’m living my life according to my values.  I do right by my husband and kids.  I’m not walking on eggshells or trying to wear kid gloves with him.  While I prefer reconciliation, he either wants me as I am or not(not to say I’m not growing)  I guess what I’m saying is, I’m going to live my life and do what I believe is right, regardless if I think it will bring him closer or further from me.  I do try to be kind and polite, but ultimately he needs to try to win me back.  He left.  He is in the wrong, so I guess I’m just not willing to play this sort of game.  He needs to prove he is worthy of me if he ever wants me back. 

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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

F
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#7: January 10, 2020, 11:41:28 PM
So any progress that has been made in my view is gone.  It is the middle of the night where I live and it has been a rough one.  My s5 woke up laughing in hysteria with a high fever.  I kept calling my husband to see if he would take him into the hospital, but he did not bother to answer.  I texted him that it is an emergency.  Nothing.

It’s been a long while, but I got the fever down and s5 seems ok.  I think h is with another women tonight.  He had plans at some event on the beach, but when I texted him later, I got no response and now in the middle of the night, again no response.  I had texted because some of the kids were going to stay with him because d15 is having a sleepover and wanted privacy, but none of them wanted to go.  Anyways, I’m calling it.  He’s a complete and utter pig.  You cannot be a good father if you are putting yourself first and you cannot really be a good father if you are not present(by choice). 

I’ve tried to have compassion, but being as I am fallible my compassion is finite and so it is instead needed for my children, because they have a father who is a complete and utter idiot.
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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#8: January 10, 2020, 11:58:15 PM
I'm so sorry. Is your boy ok now?

I wouldn't bother speculating even though you are probably right.
It doesn't matter. What matters is that he is currently a father who is not available for emergencies regarding his children. Par for the course, but shame on him.

I guess all you can do is ensure that you have a back up system for any future emergencies that does not involve him. If you wish you could challenge him on it and establish some kind of protocol I suppose, but honestly it would probably just be easier to say to yourself 'ok, that is the kind of father you are' and expect nothing else. See yourself as a single parent with an occasional guest dad who shows up and pays some bills. But i am so sorry. It isn't easy to respect these kind of folks is it?
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

F
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#9: January 11, 2020, 12:06:11 AM
Treasur-He seems to be ok now.  I cannot sleep and am keeping a watchful eye.  My mind was not really clear at the time. H has been so good lately, since his break up that my first thought was to call him.  I didn’t even think about my awesome neighbors.  We have babysat their kids several times in the middle of the night for ER visits and they would be glad to return the favor. 

I have extra kids here tonight and so I was not comfortable leaving unless I absolutely had to.  This single parent thing is not easy.  Sometimes I’m still so perplexed that this is all real.  That he is this person now. 

My natural optimism takes over and I think it will just keep getting better and better, but if this forum is any indication, that is rare.
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« Last Edit: January 11, 2020, 12:09:33 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

 

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